Fighting Back

Chapter 6

After feeling up to eating some soup and toast to ease him back to solid food, Dean was feeling better and better. For Dean, just being able to sit up without the room spinning was a gigantic leap in the right direction.

"Hey," Sam said, peeking in to check on him.

"Hey yourself," Dean responded.

"You done? Should I take away the tray –"

"Sam, stop mothering me. You're making me nuts. Just sit down for a second."

"What? I'm not, I'm just –"

"We have to talk."

Sam was taken aback and struck speechless. Dean? Talk?

"Yes, you heard me, I said we need to talk. Don't get used to it."

Sam sat down slowly then bowed his head.

"Sam, what's up with you? What's all this stuff about Stanford all of a sudden?"

Sam looked up.

"Was it something I said?" Dean asked half-kidding.

Sam looked into his eyes, "No, more like, what you didn't say."

Dean was still confused, not understanding what Sam was getting at.

"You never told me you were trying to convince Dad that it was okay for me to go to school."

"So? Why wouldn't I?" Dean asked, still feeling like he was being particularly dense or something. Maybe the drugs were clouding his reasoning skills.

"Because I was leaving the family, leaving you alone to deal with Dad then you told me to apologize to Dad so I thought –"

"That I was on his side," Dean finished.

"Yeh."

"And you were pissed at me."

Sam could only nod in embarrassment.

"I get that."

"That's why I ignored your calls," Sam admitted.

Dean nodded and calmly without anger he said, "And that's why I stayed away and didn't bother you for two years."

"Because you were pissed at me and I'm sorry –"

"No, Sam, that's not why. I was mad, yeh, but not at you, mostly at Dad because he wouldn't meet you halfway. Remember what I said? It's a two way street, Sam. Dad was guilty too."

"Guess we were both pig headed." Sam sighed sadly.

"Understatement," Dean agreed.

"But if you weren't mad then why –"

"I called to make sure that you were doing okay, but when you didn't answer, I got worried so I drove over there to check up on you. Dad wasn't the only one."

Dean smiled a little wistfully, remembering how he had found Sam.

"I saw you at your dorm. You were talking with your friends. I saw you with Jessica. You were the happiest I had ever seen you. I…I couldn't take that away from you…so I left and I stopped calling…As long as you were safe, I was okay."

Dean stopped. The smile fell from his face. Sam noticed.

"What?"

"I'm sorry…"

"For what?" Sam asked, the confusion being his this time.

"For coming to get you when Dad disappeared."

"Why? You needed my help."

Dean closed his eyes and took in a breath.

"Maybe if I had stayed away, you'd still have that life with Jessica. You wouldn't be here now, scared, worrying about what's ahead. Maybe if I hadn't been selfish –"

"Dean, no. None of that was your fault." Sam insisted.

"You don't know that."

"Yeh, I do, because I was having dreams of Jess dying…" Sam swallowed hard. "Days before it happened. I was the one being selfish. I never told her…I didn't warn her. I was so determined to ignore who I was plus I didn't want her to think I was nuts. I didn't want to believe that those dreams were more than just dreams."

"Sam, you didn't know that."

"I knew they weren't normal," Sam said.

Dean looked at his brother and understood that if they were going to make it through whatever was awaiting them, they both had to get past their doubts about themselves. It didn't surprise him that they would both die for one another, but knowing that wasn't enough. They also had to live for one another.

"Look, Sam, no matter what's ahead, I want you to know that I'm solid. As long as I know that you and I are okay, I can handle everything else. I don't want you to have any more doubts about where my head is at. We can't let the past get in our way. We can fight this and I intend to win."

Sam felt a reassurance that he hadn't felt since the visions had started, maybe even longer ago than that. He hadn't felt truly safe since he was a child when he didn't have to worry as long as Dean was around. He still felt that way sometimes, but he knew that the dangers were bigger now and that Dean couldn't do it alone anymore. Those days at Stanford had been an illusion. He had never really escaped who he was or his family and now in the light of reconnecting with a brother who had never stopped protecting him and a father who had sacrificed himself knowing that Dean would be who he needed, he didn't want to. Suddenly that heritage meant everything to him.

"I know, Dean. I feel the same way. The self-pity train has left the station," Sam said with a smile.

"Now, that's funny. I'm supposed to be the funny one, you know."

"No, you're not."

The End!

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