Chapter 9

Justification

The garden was still and dark, the air slightly chilled with moisture. I'd tried to sleep, but the couch wasn't exactly the most comfortable piece of furniture to lie on. Also Hakkai's parting nugget of truth hadn't helped at all. It had been hard to ignore the niggling sense of self loathing that it had brought, the memories that preceded it and everything else that tagged along.

"He'd want you to sell it," Shuuei said, his usually reasonable tone tainted with anger.
"And how the hell would you know what he'd want?" I'd spat back, "He's dead and we're not. Don't look to the dead for assurance because you won't get any answers."

He stared at me from across the dimly lit room. I couldn't tell if it was anger or pity in his eyes, or maybe it was a mixture of the two. I looked away, he shook his head.

"Master didn't care about the building Sanzo," he said, his tone level, "he cared about the people inside it, about the life it represented, the connection with something worth caring about. He wouldn't want you to get yourself killed over a pile of stone and wood."
"Funny," I'd said back, "seems like he didn't mind sacrificing himself to save my life right after telling me that I was going to be the one he would leave this pile of wood and stone to."
"It was hardly what he'd planned!" Shuuei took three steps into the room, his anger evident now.
"Doesn't matter what he planned," I said, staring at the candle in the middle of the room, "that's what happened. I'm not selling. They can kill me if they want, it won't do them any good anyway."
"Oh yeah?" he'd growled out, "And why is that?"
"Because I changed my will this morning, and I've left you the temple."

I hadn't meant it as a compliment, I'd only put it in my will because I was genuinely concerned that at some point the goons might get lucky and take me out. Still, I hadn't expected Shuuei to take it as some sort of insult. I think maybe he thought that all I cared about was making sure the temple was always in someone's hands, no matter what happened to the person holding it. Maybe he was right, which was why he said I had no heart. Which was why I followed him out into the courtyard where we exchanged some very harsh words. Which was why he was there when the men who had snuck into the temple to try and kill me finally struck. Which was why he got shot, pushing me out of the way. Inconsiderate bastard had saved my life and left me with the guilt. He should have just let them shoot me.

I didn't want to be thinking about this, about Shuuei, about Master. Some things are better left alone, and some things are better buried away where they can never be found. Hakkai disagreed, but Hakkai wasn't the one with the severe guilt complex. I was sick fed up of people sacrificing themselves to save me when I wasn't even worth it. They had lives, they had people that cared about them. Who am I? I've always felt on some level that I should be living a different sort of life so that I can honour their sacrifices, but I would never be able to change that much and, in a way, I don't think that changing myself would honour them at all. Didn't make me feel any better though.

Yet, in a way, I could almost understand their motives. I didn't like to think about it like this, but I really had almost sacrificed my home, my way of life, just for a chance to save this boy. It felt...I'm not sure. Rewarding wasn't the right word because I didn't see him as a damn charity case. It was different somehow, it felt more personal than that. Maybe that's why I didn't want to think about it.

I heard him sneak into the garden before I saw him. My fingers had been itching for a smoke, but I hadn't wanted to go back into the house just yet. The door made a soft rushing sound as it opened, like wind through leaves. His feet were nothing but soft falls on the grass, disturbing the dew. I didn't look around, didn't say anything, as he walked up to stand beside me. The world was quiet all around us.

"You shouldn't be up," I said, wishing I had a cigarette even if it just gave my hands something to do.
"Needed air," he said, shrugging, "it was getting kind of stuffy in there."

I could attest to that. Something about the spare bedroom, it always got stuffy if you didn't keep the windows open and it was a little on the cold side for that. Still, better that than walking out into the cold, wet night to stand there in your bare feet.

"Go put some shoes on then," I said gruffly.
"I'm fine," he said back quietly, contemplatively.

God this was awkward. Should I ask him now? Or should I wait until he's feeling better and ask then? I wish I didn't have to ask at all, if I was honest. I wish that he'd just do it without having to be forced, that he'd have the willpower to put that bastard in jail and take control of his life.

"Saw your uncle today," I said casually; damn, why did I always have to be so roundabout in my conversations with him?
"...Yeah?" I could hear the nervousness in his voice, under the mask of nonchalance.
"Didn't seem too happy about the whole thing," I said, crossing my arms for warmth.
"Well," Goku shrugged, looking down towards the swiftly running stream, "he's never very happy when people fight back."

Damn. I felt that one, right in the cynical, shrivelled up piece of meat I call a heart. Better keep going before I lose my nerve and run, I thought.

"I wasn't talking about that," I said calmly, "I was talking about when we charged him with child abuse at the police station earlier."

No response, although I could feel the sudden tension radiating from him. His shoulders had tightened and his breathing had hitched. I carried on regardless.

"I mean he tried to get me on assault, but he didn't get very far," I felt the wind picking up a little but ignored it, "my friend got us some very good lawyers, so he dropped the charges. He wanted you back, but that's not going to happen. The police are already investigating and we're sure that a judge won't be able to refute the evidence and that a trial date will be announced soon. Of course you'll have to admit everything, you'll have to testify, but I'm not giving you a say. You'll do it and then you can stay with me until you figure out where you're going from there."

Why did I always have to be such an asshole? Did I think I could get round asking him to do it if I just ordered him to do it instead? I'd learned to be nice to everyone but the kid beside me. Why? What was I so...afraid of that I had to build this defensive layer between us? What was my fucking problem? He was so quiet that I felt, for a whole minute, that he was actually going to either start crying or run back into the house as fast as he could. I didn't think I could handle another apology today. Which was why I was beyond surprised when I felt his hand close around my arm, turning me forcefully towards him, forcing me to look at him. It was hard to tell in the dark, but I was sure that his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. His expression was closed as he held back whatever emotion was trying desperately to escape. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me, which wouldn't have been unreasonable considering my behaviour. Instead he spoke.

"I can..." he hesitated, "stay with you?"
"That was the plan, brat," I said, no force behind it.
"But I lied to you," he said, confused, conflicted and worried...
"You think I was going to just throw you out on the street because of that?" I said in frustration, "Is that the kind of person you think I am?"

He stared at me for a long moment in silence and I looked back, trying for an annoyed stare. Then I was pulled roughly towards him. I instinctually thought he was going to throw me over his damn shoulder again, so you can realise my surprise when, instead, his arms closed around me. I was shocked into stillness. It wasn't quite any one of the reactions I had been expecting from him and, now that it had turned up unexpectedly, I wasn't sure what to do with it. Eventually I managed to pick up my useless arms and sort of hug him back. Sort of.

"You didn't need to ask me to do it," his voice was strained as he buried his head against my shoulder, "I don't care what happens to him, I don't care!"
"Alright," I said uncomfortably, patting him awkwardly on the back, "alright."
"He deserves it, whatever he gets," now I could hear the anger but it swiftly turned to weariness, "I just wanted to get away, that's all I wanted, it's all I want..."
"Don't worry about that," I said, trying to sound reassuring, "you don't need to worry about that anymore."

I meant it, I really meant it. We stood there for I don't know how long. He didn't seem to want to let go and I wasn't sure what to do about that. I'd been horrible enough to him already, hadn't given him much comfort at all considering the situation, so I didn't want to be the one pushing him away. It felt more prudent to let him back away first. I looked up to the sky and watched as the clouds began to thicken and cover the crescent moon in wispy black smoke. I smiled at it, wishing for a moment that I really believed he could see me, see that I was alright, that I was doing okay for myself, I was surviving, I was...

Then the first drop of rain fell from the sky, splashing against my cheek. I blinked and shook my head. I smirked at the darkness. If I believed in signs at all, I would have taken it as one, but considering I'm the world's biggest cynic I chalked it up to coincidence. I also thought it was a reasonable excuse to get the kid off me and back into bed. Pity I wouldn't get that cigarette now...

"It's starting to rain," I said softly, "we'd better get back inside."
"Yeah," I could hear the tears in his voice as he cleared his throat.

He slowly let go and backed away a few steps, trying as subtly as he could to wipe his face. The rain was coming on slowly, gaining momentum with the wind. He didn't seem to know what to do with himself, as if there was something else he wanted to say but had no idea how to say it. It was ominous and I didn't think I could handle any more surprises right then or anymore displays of affection. I wasn't used to it, or good at it, so I put my hand on his arm and led him inside in silence. The door closed softly behind him and I could hear the rain beginning to beat against the windows in rhythmic waves as the wind manipulated it. I looked at the couch in resentment and waited for him to leave so I could get ready for another restless night's sleep. Instead he hovered hesitantly beside the armchair. Damn it.

"If you've got something to say kid," I said gruffly, "then say it. If not just beat it, I'm tired."

He looked at me sharply, whether with anger at my tone or surprise at my candidness I'm not sure. He seemed to be having an internal debate which, for a moment, I wished I could hear. Maybe I would have been able to advise him against what he did next if I had been privy to the inner workings of his mind. Instead I only frowned as he walked towards me, one hand clutching his elbow, his eyes uncertain while his face was set in determination. The beat of the rain was distracting me, casting dancing moon shadows as the clouds intermittently allowed the light through, moving over his face as he stopped before me. I could hear my heart beating in the silence and, for a moment, I thought I could hear his too. Then he reached up with his hand and looped it around my neck, pulling me in for a soft, chaste kiss. I didn't move, I didn't breathe, I thought I felt my blood stopping in my veins, mainly because I had no idea what to do. His breath was soft and warm against my cheek. He pulled away quickly and I said nothing. He looked at me for a moment, as if assessing me, then he turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I heard him entering his room further down the hall, the door closing with a soft snap, and then there was silence.

I closed my eyes and then opened them. Everything was still the same. I pinched my arm and hissed at the pain; alright, not a dream then. It was as if time had slowed down as our lips touched and now everything was speeding back up. My heart started racing and I had to sit down.

Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This was not part of the plan, not at all. God damn it, this was not part of the plan! Suffice to say that I did not sleep that night either, although for very different reasons than the night before.

What was I thinking? No, really, what was I thinking!?

"No, no, no," I groaned quietly as I sank down onto the bed, curling up and stuffing my head against the pillow, "why am I such a complete and utter idiot?"

I never do the right thing. Since I was small I'd always chosen the wrong path in any decision. I tried to be good, I was punished for it. I tried to be bad and I was punished harder. Uncle was never a fair person, that was easy to admit, but then most people in life weren't fair. Hakkai-san was one of the few teachers I'd met who liked me enough to help me with my studies. No one else had ever really wanted to know. I was a layabout, I was too stupid to teach, I was a trouble maker, I was a disruption, an imbecile, a fool. The friends I did have were usually trouble makers too, no one I would ever consider a real friend, someone I could really trust. The few girlfriends I'd had never really attracted me as such, I just felt that I should have them to be normal. All the other boys had them...not that it was really even that, the fact that I'd kissed a man, I wasn't really gay, at least I didn't think I was. Sanzo was different; he was different from anyone I'd ever met before. He talked to me like an equal, if you ignored the fact that he called me 'kid' all the time and was horribly sarcastic, but then he was like that with most people so I didn't take it personally. He was a genuine person, deep down, and he cared. It wasn't that he was a guy, it was...his reaction, or lack thereof. It hurt. I'd never really been hurt like this before, a hurt that started inside instead of out, in the heart instead of on the skin. I'd become hardened against Uncle's anger and his beatings, other peoples taunts and disappointment and harassment...but nothing had prepared me for this.

Damn it, why do I always screw everything up? I just, I liked him and...and he, fuck I don't even know, he just cares so much, even though he tries to hide it. I can see that he cares about me and no-one has ever really cared about me enough to do what he's already done for me. He saved me, twice. He talks to me and he teaches me and smirks at my lame jokes. He found lawyers and friends in high places to pull strings and he's offering me a place to stay. Is it completely irrational to feel attracted to him after just that? I hoped not, or I was being very, very irrational.

I could tell what he was thinking too. Just a kid, that's what he was thinking. I'm just a kid, what do I know? He probably thinks I'm just a foolish child with a crush. Maybe I am...no, no, it's more than that. I don't know how I know, I just do. It's different somehow; it feels more real to me than anything I've felt for anyone. At first I'd been embarrassed, when I saw him here at Hakkai-san's house, embarrassed because I was attracted to him and I wasn't sure why. I'd never thought about guys like that before but, well, there was no denying he was good looking. I put it down to curiosity. Yet when I saw him walk through the door after he beat it in and reach down for me I felt like, I don't know, he was taking me away with him to that place I'd always dreamt of, where I could be away from everything with someone who loved me, cared for me. Okay so I had a fever and was a little delirious at the time, but still.

"He must hate me now," I whispered against the cotton pillow cover, my voice cracking, "I'm such a fool! Why do I always screw things up?"

AN: Poor Goku, why did he have to fall for the emotionally challenged man? I'm sure it will all work itself out in the end though :P. Thanks so much to everyone for the reviews, the fav's and the alerts!

To Adena Kaiba – Thanks for the encouragement, it's always nice to know that someone it waiting for an update *hugs*!

To Namikaze Naruko 14 – I'm glad you like it, hope the update was quick enough for you ; )

Okay, off to finish my essay work now (damn uni).

Maiko