HAZZARD MEETS THE HULK
(Opening shot of Bo+Luke driving along the backroads of Hazzard in
the General Lee.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends and neighbors, this is one of the most
deceiving sights you'll ever see in Hazzard County.
But it ain't because you see Bo and Luke Duke tearin'
up the back roads of Hazzard in the General Lee.
That's normal.
(Rosco pulls out from behind a tree in his patrol car and starts
after General Lee.)
BALLADEER: And it ain't 'cause Rosco's chasin' after the General.
That's normal, too.
BO: (into cb mike) Dang it, Rosco! We ain't got time to play
right now.
LUKE: Yeah, that mortgage payment is due in town, in Boss's hand,
in ten minutes. Which is probably why he's got Rosco out
watchin this road instead of one of his usual speed traps.
BO: Hang on, Luke. We loose him every other day, I ain't about to
make today no different. 'Specially with the farm on the
line.
ROSCO: Alright, you Duke boys! Just pull it over! I'm serious
now!
(while the chase ensues, the balladeer continues)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, this scene seeming like any other you
might see around Hazzard is what makes it so
deceivin'. 'Cause it's about to lead the Dukes to
the strangest day they've ever had. And you know
that's sayin' somethin'.
LUKE: We should be able to lose him at that creek up ahead.
BO: (sarcastically) Yeah, I think the General might have a few
more pistons under his hood than Rosco's patrol car. Hang
on!
(General Lee jumps the creek. Dixie Horn blows in mid-air.)
BO: Let's see Rosco try and make it over that!
ROSCO: You wanna play it that way, huh?! Alright! Anything that
General Lee can do, my patrol car can do a hundred times
better! Hang on, Flash!
(Flash barks.)
(Patrol car jumps creek, but only makes it half-way across before
landing in water.)
LUKE: (laughing) He looks alright. Ain't nothin' hurt but his pride.
BO: And in Rosco's case, that can't be more than a scratch.
ROSCO: Flash, hold your nose, darlin'!
(As Bo + Luke continue down the road, they come across a hitchhiker
who turns out to be David Banner.)
BALLADEER: Now, folks, that's the man that makes this scene a might
deceivin'. He's got a shadier past than the grim reaper.
LUKE: Howdy, stranger. Whereabouts you headed?
DAVID: Hi there. I'm just looking for the nearest town.
LUKE: Nearest town's Hazzard. That's where we come from. Why don't
you hop in the back. We'll take you the rest of the way.
DAVID: I'd be very grateful for that. Thanks.
(Luke climbs out the window. David looks at him strangely.)
DAVID: Something wrong with the door?
LUKE: It's welded shut. See, the General, here, kinda doubles as a
racing car for me and Bo. By the way, my name's Luke Duke.
That there in the driver's seat's my cousin Bo.
BO: Howdy. Listen, y'all, I don't mean to be rude, but that
mortgage payment is due in town in less than ten minutes.
LUKE: Right. Listen, Mr....
DAVID: Uh, David....Bradford.
LUKE: Well, Mr. Bradford, if you could hop in the back, me and Bo are
are in kind of a hurry.
(David and Luke get in the General. Bo starts the car and drives away.
Fade to Hazzard Square. General Lee pulls up in front of the county
building. Bo+Luke get out.)
BO: We're real sorry about the bumpy ride, Mr. Bradford! Sit tight.
Luke and me will be right back!
(Inside the county building, Boss stands next to a clock, holding his
watch in his hand.)
BOSS HOGG: Just ten seconds left, heh heh. Ten more seconds and the
Duke farm is mine. (laughs)
(Bo+Luke rush through the door.)
BO: Hey, Boss!
LUKE: There you go, Boss. There's the mortgage payment with eight
seconds to spare!
BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Alright, alright! You done your business here!
So just get!!
BO: Yes, sir.
LUKE: Much obliged, Boss.
(Bo+Luke exit)
(David is waiting outside with a parking ticket in his hand.)
BO: Sorry to keep you waiting like that, Mr. Bradford.
LUKE: If we didn't get our mortgage payment into Boss Hogg's hand's by noon,
he would've owned our farm lock, stock, and barrel.
DAVID: (confused) Boss Hogg?
LUKE: He's the county commissioner.
BO: Yeah, for the most part; if it's in Hazzard, he owns it.
DAVID: Well, listen, boys, I appreciate the ride into town. Now if you could
just point me to a place where I could get something cold to drink...
BO: Shoot, Mr. Bradford, we can do better than that...
LUKE: That's a fact. We'll take to a little place called the Bore's Nest.
DAVID: (sceptically) You two will take me there?
BO: Don't worry, Mr. Bradford. I promise the ride won't be so bumpy this time.
DAVID: (reluctantly) O.k. Oh, by the way, the deputy came by while you were
in there and said to give you this. (hands Luke parking ticket).
LUKE: Great. Just what we need. Another ticket. (hands to Bo)
BO: Why me?
LUKE: You parked.
BO: (sigh) Yeah, I guess I did.
(They all get in the General and drive away)
BALLADEER: Now, meanwhile, back inside, Boss was busy chewing out Rosco for not
stopping the Dukes.
BOSS HOGG: (into cb mike) Rosco, you knucklehead! Are you trying to tell me
that you wrecked another patrol car?!
(We see a very wet Rosco standing next to his patrol car while Cooter rigs it to
be towed.)
ROSCO: That's a big 10-4, little fat buddy. It wasn't my fault, though. Them
Duke boys, they tricked me into jumpin' a creek when they knew I wouldn't
make it. Come on.
BOSSHOGG: What's the damage gonna cost me? Put Cooter on!
COOTER: Hey, Boss, this here's Crazy Cooter commin' atcha...
BOSS HOGG: I know who you are! Just tell me how much this whole mess is gonna run
me!
COOTER: Well, Boss, with all the water damage to the engine, it's probably gonna
run you about $500. That's not includin' if you want me to dry out all this
nice leather apolstry.
BOSS HOGG: Dang blast it!! Rosco. you still there?
ROSCO: That's a big 10-4...
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, not only did you not catch the Dukes so I could forclose on their
farm; but you also just cost me $500 simolians. Which is gonna come dir-
ectly out of your paycheck!
ROSCO: Aren't you gonna have Cooter dry out the apolstry?
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, if you really want that apostry dried out, you know what you can do?
ROSCO: What?
BOSS HOGG: Take a real deep breath....and BLOW!!
ROSCO: (to Cooter) Oooo. I think he was serious about that.
BOSS HOGG: Cooter, you get that patrol car over to your garage and get it fixed pronto!
And, Rosco, once it's fixed, I want you to bring in the Duke boys on any
charge!!
ROSCO: That's a big 10-4, Boss. I'm gone.
COOTER: I'll get to work on Rosco's patrol car right away just as soon as I grab a cold
one at the Bore's Nest. I'm gone.
(Fade to Bo, Luke, and David sitting around a table at the Bore's Nest. Daisy approaches.)
DAISY: Hey, boys. Did you get that mortgage payment to Boss Hogg on time.
LUKE: Sure did. Daisy, I want you to meet a new friend of ours. We picked him up hitchhikin'
into town. His name's David Bradford. Mr. Bradford, this here's our cousin, Daisy.
DAVID: Hi, there. Nice to meet you. And please, everyone, call me David.
DAISY: Nice to meet ya, David.
LUKE: What brings you to these parts, anyway, David?
DAVID: Just hitchhiking cross country, actually.
LUKE: Got any specific destination in mind?
DAVID: Not really. I have this tendency to, uh, keep moving on.
LUKE: Ain't no trouble with the law, is it?
BO: If it is, Luke and me ain't no strangers to that. You can trust us with your secret.
DAVID: Nothing like that. I just don't like staying in the same place for very long. Although, I
wouldn't mind settling down eventually. But, uh, it sounds like you boys might be in
trouble with the law.
LUKE: Well, Bo and me, see, we're on probation. We got caught runnin' shine a few years
back.
BO: Don't worry, though. Our shine-runnin' days are over.
LUKE: That's a fact. See, the only reason we're on probation rather than servin' time at the
state pen is that our Uncle Jessie promised the U.S. government that he'd never make
any more ever again.
DAVID: I see. So, you live with your Uncle Jessie?
BO: Yes, sir. We all help run the family farm together.
LUKE: Matter of fact, since I figure you ain't got no place to go for dinner, why don't you come
on back to the farm with us? I bet he'd be real happy to meet ya. 'Specially with all the
stories you must have to tell from travellin' on the road so much. How 'bout it?
DAVID: Well, I'm not so sure my travel stories are fit for dinner table dicussion, but I'd sure
appreciate the meal.
LUKE: You got it. Why don't we head on over there after we finish these beers?
(Cooter enters)
BO: Oh, hey, here comes Cooter. Hey Cooter. How's it goin', buddy?
COOTER: Hey, Bo! Luke! How y'all doin'? Listen,I just want to thank y'all for droppin' Rosco into
the drink like that. One more repair bill like the one I'm gonna be givin' Boss Hogg
and I'll be able to pay off my truck. By the way, boys,how's that new cam shaft I put
in the General last week holdin' up?
LUKE: Like a charm. Hey, listen, Cooter. I'd like you to meet a new friend of ours. Name's
David Bradford. He just got into town.
COOTER: Howdy, Mr. Bradford. Nice to meet ya. Any friend of the Dukes is a friend of mine.
Oh, by the way, just to warn y'all; Boss Hogg gave Rosco orders while I was givin'
him a tow to bring y'all in on ANY charge. So you might want to lay low for a while.
LUKE: Much obliged for the info.
COOTER: Y'all don't mind, I think I'll sit down with ya and have a cold one.
BALLADEER: Now, while the boys and Cooter were busy getting aquainted with David, Boss
was arrivin' at the Bore's Nest for his fourth lunch of the day so he could eat while
he thought up a new way to snooker the Dukes out of the farm.
(Boss Hogg and Rosco enter through the back entrance)
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, so help me, if you cost me just one more red cent on repairs to your
patrol car, not only will you be outta your job as sheriff, but I'm gonna divorce
my wife, your fat sister, Lulu. Fortunately for you, I already thought me up an-
other way to get the Duke farm.
ROSCO: OOOOOOOHHHH!! Good news, good news! How're you gonna do it?
BOSS HOGG: Here's my plan...
BALLADEER: Meanwhile, outside in the bar, some lowlife was gettin' a might fresh with Daisy.
Now, friends, don't that just curdle yer blood?
DAISY: Now, I'm warnin' ya! You keep your hands to yourself or you'll regret it!
LUKE: Hey , why don't you leave the lady alone?! She just tryin' to do her job!
LOWLIFE: You got somethin' to say about it, plowboy? What's it to ya? She yer kin or some-
thin'?
BO: Matter of fact, she's our cousin! Now why don't you do like he asked and get your dang
hands off her?!
LOWLIFE (approaches): You gonna make me, plowboy?
(Bo stands and faces off with lowlife)
BO: Well, maybe I just will...
LUKE: Bo, don't start nothin'! We don't wanna get David, here, involved in somethin' that
ain't his concern to begin with!
LOWLIFE: (to David) What's the matter, stranger? You too chicken to stand up to me?
DAVID: Look, I don't want any trouble and I don't think these boys do either. So, why don't you
go back to your table, finish your beer, and just leave the lady alone.
LOWLIFE: (Grabs David's shirt) You tryin' to tell me what to do, stranger?
COOTER: (stands) Hey, leave him alone! Y'all ain't got no beef with him!
(Lowlife elbows Cooter in the stomach and punches David. Bo + Luke attack, put up a fight, but
are eventually tossed to the floor. Cooter attacks, but a punch in the jaw sends him into a table
and knocks him down. Lowlife punches David in the face, then the stomach, then grabs him by
the back)
LOWLIFE: This otta take care of you!!
(Lowlife throws David behind the bar. We get a close-up of David. His eyes are now white.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, this is where the Dukes day is about to get a miiiiggghhht strange.
(David's shirt begins to split open, revealing green skin. His pants then split at the seems,
followed by his boots.)
LOWLIFE: That'll teach ya to mess with me!
( A low growl is heard from behind the bar. Bo looks in confusion.)
LUKE: What the heck....
(The hulk slowly stands. The crowd looks in awe. Daisy screams. Hulk flexes and lets out a
loud roar. He then uses his fists to smash an opening in the middle of the bar. He walks through the
opening and grabs lowlife by the shirt. Growls in his face.)
LOWLIFE: What in the heck are you?
(Hulk roars in his face and throws him through a window. He then looks at the rest of the crowd, flexes
and roars once again. Boss and Rosco enter bar from rear entrance.)
ROSCO: Allllright, everyone! Just freeeeze!
(Hulk silently approaches Rosco.)
ROSCO: (scared) Everyone except for you.....WOOJEE!!
BOSS HOGG: Tarnation...what is that thing?
LUKE: I don't know about y'all, but I don't aim to stick around and find out. Let's get outta here!
(The crowd rushes toward the door. Once they have left, Hulk throws a table at the door in confusion.)
BO: Anybody got any idea where in the heck that thing came from?!
LUKE: Yeah, I got myself a pretty good idea, but I ain't pointin' no fingers 'til I know the whole truth.
(With erveryone gone, the Hulk calms down, sits down, and slowly begins changing back to David.)
COOTER: (searching the crowd) Hey, y'all, I don't see that Bradford fella you two was talkin' to any-
where.
LUKE: Yeah, and I think that's a little bit more than a coinceidence, too.
(Bo, Cooter, and Daisy all look at each other in confusion. David comes out of Bore's Nest without a
shirt, and wearing torn pants.)
LUKE: (whispering to himself) Just about what I figured.
BO: You alright, Mr. Bradford? Boy, that guy must've beaten you good! Tore the shirt right off your
back! You want us to find him and teach him some manners?
DAVID: No, that's quite alright, really. I'm fine.
DAISY: Mr. Bradford, did you see that big green thing that tore up the whole bar?
DAVID: No, I didn't. But tell me, was anyone hurt?
COOTER: Just the guy that gave you the once-over. Nothin' more than a few scratches, though.
(Boss Hogg and Rosco approach)
BOSS HOGG: Alright, Rosco, arrest the whole group of 'em!
LUKE: For what, Boss? We ain't done nothin!
BOSS HOGG: For disturbin' the peace, that's what!
BO: Boss, you didn't even show up until after the fight started. How do you know who started it?!
BOSS HOGG: A few of my patrons said that you boys, and you, whoever you are, were involved
and that's good enough for me. Alright, Rosco, do like I said and arrest 'em all!
(Rosco pulls out his gun and handcuffs)
ROSCO: Allllright, you Dukes, just put your hands out so I can cuff ya and stuff ya.
(scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, do Y'all realize that all this started 'cause Bo and Luke was tryin' to pay the
mortgage on time?
(end act 1)
LUKE: Rosco, you wanna point that pee shooter someplace else?!
(Luke knocks the gun out of Rosco's hand, and the group makes a run for it, except David.)
DAVID: What's going on? What are you boys doing?
LUKE: You wanna go to jail?
(David shakes his head)
LUKE: Then get in!
(David jumps in the window of the General Lee, followed by Luke. They all take off in their cars.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, y'all might get the idea that this is David's first time runnin' from the
law. But it ain't.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you numbskull, you let 'em get away again!!
ROSCO: I'm sorry, little fat buddy, but Luke Duke, he took me by surprise when he knocked my
gun outta my hand.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you lugnut! Them Dukes have been pullin' the same tricks to get away from
you for years, and you still never se 'em commin'! Now, come on back inside with me
so I can see how much all the damage that thing did is gonna cost me.
ROSCO: Boss, you got any idea what the heck that thing was?
BOSS HOGG: Well, of coarse I ain't! I was lookin' at it just like you, wasn't I? I never seen anything
like that creature before in my life. And after what he did to my Bore's Nest, I hope I
never do again!
(Fade to Bo, Luke, and David in the General Lee.)
DAVID: We're in a lot of trouble with the local police now, aren't we?
BO: Shoot, David, that's nothin' new to Luke and me.
DAVID: Well, trouble with the police is one thing I don't need. I think maybe I should just skip the
dinner invitation and leave Hazzard as soon as possible.
LUKE: Lookin' like that?
DAVID: Yes, I suppose you're right.
LUKE: Listen, we'll get you back to the farm, you can borrow one of my shirts, and we'll get you some-
thin' to eat. Then we'll help you get out of Hazzard. Deal?
DAVID: (reluctantly) Alright.
(Cooter,s voice comes over the c.b.)
COOTER: Breaker one, breaker one! Might be crazy but I ain't dumb! Craaaaazy Cooter commin' atcha!
LUKE: (into c.b. mike) We read ya loud and clear, Crazy C.
COOTER: Y'all make it outta there okay, come back?
LUKE: Yeah, everyone made it out in one piece.
COOTER: Hey, listen, y'all got any idea what that thing in the Bore's Nest was?
LUKE: Ain't like nothin' I've ever seen before. I aim to get to the bottom of it, though. We're headed back
to the farm right now.
COOTER: That's a big 10-4! Meantime, I'll keep my eyes peeled for that thing. Y'all holler if ya need me.
I'm gone.
BALLADEER: Now, when the boys, Daisy, and David got back to the farm, they came home to a might
curious Uncle Jessie. You see, folks who were at the Bore's Nest when the Hulk tore the
place apart had been callin' old Jessie to make sure the boys and Daisy were o.k.
UNCLE JESSIE: What in tarnation is all this jibberish I've been hearin' on the phone for the last half hour
about some big, green monster tearin' up the Bore's Nest and you boys bein' involved?!
DAISY: It ain't jibberish, Uncle Jessie! Someone picked a fight with the boys and David, here....
BO: Oh, uh, speakin' of which, Uncle Jessie, this here's David Bradford. We picked him up hitchhikin'
into town.
UNCLE JESSIE: Howdy. Good to meet ya. Now, what was you sayin, Daisy?
DAISY: Someone picked a fight with them and Cooter, then he grabbed David and threw him behind the
bar, and that's when that big green thing showed up!
LUKE: Now, David, that thing popped up right about where you got knocked down. You sure you didn't
see nothin'?
DAVID: No, I'm sorry. I hit my head on the bar and got knocked out cold.
LUKE: Alright, listen, why don't you go grab a clean shirt off the clothesline and go inside and get cleaned up.
DAVID: Alright. Thank you.
(David walks away from the group. Uncle Jessie looks suspiciously at Luke)
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Luke, I know that look. What's on your mind?
LUKE: Listen, y'all, I think there's more to David than meets the eye.
BO: What do you mean?
LUKE: Well, first, he said he didn't see that thing when it showed up right next to him.
DAISY: Luke, you heard what he said. He hit his head on the bar and got knocked out cold.
LUKE: Anyone see a bump on his head? And howcome, all of a sudden he ain't got no shirt? And his
pants look all torn?
UNCLE JESSIE: Come on, spit it out, Luke. Just what are you gettin' at?
LUKE: We've all heard the story of Jeckyl and Hyde, right?
BO: Yeah...(starts laughing) Oh, come on, Luke, you don't think that David IS that thing, do you?
DAISY: Luke, that Jeckyl and Hyde story is just a fairy tale, sugar.
UNCLE JESSIE: Luke, now I don't mean to doubt ya, but don't you think that's just a little far-fetched?
LUKE: So, the idea of a big green monster poppin' up out of nowhere in the Bore's Nest ain't?
BO: I guess you got a point there.
LUKE: You heard what he said in the General, Bo. About havin' to avoid the law.
BO: Yeah, but he's probably wanted for somethin', and judgin' by the way he's been to us today,
it's probably somethin' he didn't even do. Now, you and me, we aughtta identify with that.
LUKE: Maybe HE didn't do nothin'...but I'm bettin' that creature DID.
UNCLE JESSIE: Like what?
LUKE: I don't know, but it's gotta be somethin' serious for him to be avoidin' the law like that.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, when he gets back out here, we'll have to get some answers, that's all.
(David exits house.)
UNCLE JESSIE: Here he comes now.
DAVID: Well, Luke, it seems you and I are practically the same size. The shirt fits perfectly. Thank you.
LUKE: Don't mention it. Listen, David, there had to be some way you saw that thing! Even before you
got knocked out cold. I mean he didn't just appear outta thin air.
DAVID: Luke, I'm sorry, but like I told you, I didn't see anything.
UNCLE JESSIE: Now, Mr. Bradford, I ain't about to call nobody a liar without no proof. My boys could
get in a lot of trouble and maybe even go to jail for bein' involved in what happened
at that bar today. Now, you tell us that you don't know nothin', but we got ourselves
a lot of evidence that says different. Like the fact that your clothes were fine before
you got thrown behind that bar...
LUKE: And when that creature first stood up, he had a shreaded version of your shirt on before he threw
it on the floor. And the fact that you're runnin' from the law...
DAVID: Banner.
BO: Banner?
DAVID: My name...is David Banner.
UNCLE JESSIE: Why'd you go and give my boys a phony name?
DAVID: Because I'm supposed to be dead. If you'll all sit down for a minute, I'll explain everything.
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, let's have at it.
BALLADEER: Now, while David was givin' the Dukes the lowdown on where he really came from, Cooter,
without knowin' it, was gettin' David into more trouble than a fox with a pack of wild dogs
nearbye.
COOTER: Yeah, National Register? Y'all got a guy by the name of Jack McGee workin' there?
BALLADEER: Now that McGee had heard about the Hulk sighting in Hazzard, he was on the first plane there.
And by the time all this happened, David had Just about finished tellin' everything to the Dukes.
LUKE: So, you ain't never been able to find a cure for that thing?
DAVID: No. I've tried everything I can think of, and even a few longshots.
BO: And you say this McGee character ain't gonna stop lookin' til he finds you OR the Hulk.
DAVID: Well, almost. He doesn't know that I'm the creature. He just knows that a man meeting my description
changes into it.
DAISY: Well, won't he eventually put two and two together?
LUKE: Would you go lookin' for a guy you thought was dead?
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, I'll be. You gotta pretend to be someone you ain't...and you can't go home to see your
family. Must get a might painful around the holidays.
DAVID: Yes, it does.
(Cooter's voice comes over the cb. Luke answers.)
LUKE: We read ya loud and clear, Crazy C! What's up?
COOTER: Y'all ain't gonna believe this, but I found a newspaper called the National Register...
DAVID: Oh, no...
COOTER: They got a reporter named McGee workin' there and he's got a reward out for ten grand on that thing
that tore up the Bore's Nest. He said he's gettin' on the next flight to Hazzard to come find it! But,
don't worry, I'm gonna share the reward money with y'all when he catches that thing.
LUKE: Cooter, is there any way you can call back that newspaper and tell 'em false alarm?
COOTER: The General's fumes goin' to your head, Luke? Why would I wanna do a thing like that?
LUKE: Come by the farm, you'll find out right quick.
COOTER: Alright, y'all. I'm on my way! I'm gone.
DAVID: Well, that settles that. I'll have to leave Hazzard as soon as possible.
BO: Shoot, David, you ain't gotta leave.
DAVID: Bo, you don't understand. Now that McGee has heard that the creature has been spotted here in
Hazzard, he won't stop until he finds it, or at least how much truth there is to it.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, there's your solution right there. When this McGee character gets here, Cooter'll
just tell him he was wrong. He'll tell him he saw a bear or somethin' that he thought was
was that thing.
DAISY: That's a great idea, Uncle Jessie! That way you won't have to leave Hazzard, David. You can
finally settle down.
LUKE: As good as that plan sounds, it ain't gonna work.
BO: Why not?
LUKE: Sure, the bear story covers the size of that thing, but any of you ever seen a green bear before?
BO: Dang it! I never even thought of that!
DAVID: Standing around here isn't getting anything accomplished. I'll get my things together and be on
my way.
UNCLE JESSIE: Mr. Banner, for someone who's got so much at stake, you sure give up a might easy.
Don't you want to find a place to settle down? Find yourself a cure so you don't turn
into that thing no more?
DAVID: Mr. Duke, believe me, there's nothing I'd like better, but until that happens, I simply can't let McGee
see me.
UNCLE JESSIE: You let us worry about that. You just get inside and sit down and have some dinner with us.
We'll come up with a better idea for that McGee character on a full stomach.
DAVID: (smiles) Alright.
BALLADEER: Later that night, Jack McGee finally arrived in Hazzard. And since Cooter's garage was already
closed, he figured he'd check out the spot where Cooter said he had seen the Hulk. Which led
him straight to the Bore's Nest, and Boss Hogg.
BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Rosco, it's gonna take me at least a month to get this place back into shape after
what that thing did to it!
ROSCO: I know, Boss. That thing made a horrendous mess.
(McGee approaches Boss and Rosco)
MCGEE: Excuse me, gentlemen, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Could you describe the
creature that did this?
BOSS HOGG: Well, maybe I can and maybe I can't. Depends who's askin'!
MCGEE: My name is Jack McGee. I'm a reporter for the National Register.
BOSS HOGG: National Register? Never heard of it.
ROSCO: Me niether.
MCGEE: In a town this size, I'm not surprised. Now, could either of you gentlemen describe the creature to
me?
ROSCO: Oh yeah! It was big (flails his arms to show the Hulk's size), green, and he didn't say nothin'. He
just kinda growled, like (makes growling noise).
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, will you zip your lip?! Mr. McGee, what's it matter to you what that thing looks like, any-
way?
MCGEE: Well, I've been trying to capture it for quite some time, now. There's a warrant for murder out on it.
BOSS HOGG: Well, is there any kind of conpensation for findin' it?
MCGEE: As a matter of fact, my paper is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone with any information leading to
the capture of the creature.
BOSS HOGG: Well, Mr McGee, I'm the county commissioner 'round these here parts...
ROSCO: And I'm the sheriff!
MCGEE: (To Rosco) Yeah, I figured that out, thanks.
BOSS HOGG: Like I was sayin', Mr. McGee, I'm boss around here, so if anyone sees anything, they'd be sure
and report it to me...
MCGEE: Well, then, you must have been in contact with a Cooter Davenport by now, right?
BOSS HOGG: Cooter Davenport, huh? Well, as a matter of fact, he was in contact with me today and he told
me all about it...
ROSCO: He did? I don't remember Cooter talkin' to you at all...
BOSS HOGG: (stalling) Well, that's because you were filing all the police reports about the creature...
MCGEE: The Hulk.
BOSS HOGG: Beg your pardon?
MCGEE: The creature. It's called the Hulk.
BOSS HOGG: Well, Mr. McGee, the reason my sheriff didn't hear me talkin' to Cooter earlier is that he was too
busy filin' all the paperwork on the Hulk.
MCGEE: I see. Well, is there any way I could talk to Mr. Davenport, myself?
BOSS HOGG: I'm afraid he's gone home for the evenin'. But you can talk to him and look at all the county
records on the Hulk tomorrow mornin'. In the meantime, why don't you go get yourself settled
in at the Hazzard Hotel.
MCGEE: Alright, I'll do that. And I'll be by the county building tomorrow morning to view those records, and
then I'll pay Mr. Davenport a visit.
BOSS HOGG: That sounds like a good idea. Good night, now.
MCGEE: Good night.
(McGee leaves Bore's Nest)
ROSCO: Boss, if Cooter called you earlier today and told you about callin' that reporter, howcome you didn't
recognize his name when he introduced himself?
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I hope you never go bald.
ROSCO: Oh, I appreciate that! Why...?
BOSS HOGG: 'Cause if you did, all them termites in your brain would freeze to death! I never talked to Cooter
today, you knucklehead! I just said that to get that reporter out of here. You know what happened,
don't you?
ROSCO: Of coarse I.....no, what?
BOSS HOGG: Cooter called in that reporter so he could collect the reward! And you know he's gonna get
help from them no-good Dukes! So, ya know what we gotta do?
(Rosco shakes his head)
BOSS HOGG: We gotta make us our own Hulk and beat them Dukes and Cooter to the punch!
ROSCO: Oooooooohhh! I love it, I love it!
BALLADEER: Now, while all this was goin' on, Cooter had arrived at the Dukes, and they were explaining
to him what he'd done to David by callin' in that reporter fella.
( The Dukes, David, and Cooter are gathered in the Dukes' kitchen. David and Daisy are seated at
the table.)
COOTER: (grinning) Now, wait a second. Y'all are tryin' to tell me that David, here, is runnin' from the
law, because that thing from the Bore's Nest supposedly did him in.
BO: Right.
COOTER: Only, that ain't possible because (looks at David) Y'all ARE that thing?
DAVID: That's right.
LUKE: Cooter, we know how far fetched it sounds, but we swear it's the truth. I mean, if you think about
everything we've already told you, it all fits together.
(Cooter's expression turns very serious)
COOTER: Which means I just brought a whole mess of trouble down on y'all.
UNCLE JESSIE: Don't worry about it, Cooter. You had no way of knowin'. We'll just have to find a way to
throw that reporter off the trail so David can settle down here in Hazzard, that's all.
BO: Uncle Jessie's right. Heck we've gotten ourselves out of worse situations than this!
LUKE: (looks at Bo skeptically) We have?
DAVID: (Starts standing) Look, I've caused enough trouble for you folks already. I'm just going to leave
Hazzard before McGee has a chance to find me.
UNCLE JESSIE: Now, David, you just sit right back down! You're not goin' anywhere! Dukes don't give up
no matter how tough things seem to be! We're gonna find a way to decoy McGee and
get him outta Hazzard once and for all! Then, you'll be able to settle down here and make
some real friends.
LUKE: I think you just hit the nail on the head, Uncle Jessie.
UNCLE JESSIE: What do you mean.
LUKE: We'll decoy him. We'll make up our own Hulk.
BALLADEER: Uh huh. I was afraid of somethin' like this. Luke's got the same idea as Boss Hogg. Kind of
a scary thought, ain't it?
BO: Luke, how are we gonna get someone who's the same size as the Hulk? We can't tell anyone else
the truth about it!
DAISY: Bo's right, Luke. Think what might happen to David if anyone else found out.
LUKE: Now, hold on a second. I agree with both of you. Which is why one of us is gonna have to be the
decoy.
(Everyone looks at Cooter.)
COOTER: Oh, now, hold on a second, y'all. Everyone in Hazzard knows what I look like. They'd recognize
me on the spot.
LUKE: Not if we made you up to look like the Hulk. Y'all heard what Uncle Jessie said. Everyone who called
here said they saw a big green monster. No one could give any details or real good description.
BO: Which means no one got a real good look at him.
LUKE: Or, more likely, the were just too dang scared to remember what he looks like. Cooter, he ain't got more
than a few inches on you. I don't think anyone would notice.
BO: Luke, you seem to be forgettin' somethin'. Cooter ain't as ugly as that thing....
UNCLE JESSIE: Bo!
BO: No offense, David.
DAVID: That's alright.
BO: And he sure as heck ain't green.
LUKE: Right on both counts. But that ain't nothin' the Hazzard costume shop can't take care of for us. We just get
us some face make-up and some green body paint, and presto, Cooter is the Hulk.
DAISY: Ain't they gonna get suspicious of us buyin' all that stuff right now?
BO: Daisy's got a real good point, Luke.
LUKE: I already thought of that. Which is why it won't be any of us buyin' any of that stuff.
COOTER: Well, then who's it gonna be?
LUKE: Someone who'd do just about anything for this family. Or, more accurately, one member of this family.
(Luke looks at Uncle Jessie)
UNCLE JESSIE: Luke, I know exactly what you're thinkin' and it ain't right nor safe bringin' Emma in on this thing.
LUKE: Why not, Uncle Jessie? We all know Miss Tisdale would do anything for you. Probably with no questions
asked. She's the only shot we got.
UNCLE JESSIE: (reluctantly) Alright. I'll give her a call first thing in the mornin'. Right now, we all need to
get some sleep. David, you can stay in the guest bedroom. Cooter, it's gettin' pretty late. Why
don't you sleep on the couch.
COOTER: Yes, sir.
BALLADEER: Well, bright and early the next mornin', Boss had Cletus report extra early for work...for Hulk duty.
(The scene is Boss Hogg's county court house office. Boss Hogg is seated at his desk, Rosco stands next
to him, and Cletus stands on the other side of the desk.)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, you can't be serious!
BOSS HOGG: On the contrary, Cletus! I couldn't be more serious!
CLETUS: But, Cousin Boss, everyone in Hazzard knows who I am. They'll recognize me!
ROSCO: Boss, he does have a point there.
BOSS HOGG: (to Rosco) Will you just hush up, please?! I know all of Hazzard county knows who you are.
That's why I had this special make-up and body paint delivered from the Hazzard costume
shop.
(Boss places a paper bag on the table.)
ROSCO: Boss, wasn't Henry over at the costume shop a little curious about why you wanted that stuff right
now?
BOSS HOGG: Well, maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't. But, if he wants to keep his job, he wasn't!
Now, Cletus, you just go into the men's room and start puttin' that there make-up and paint on.
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, do I have to?
BOSS HOGG: Well, you want to get your raise, don't you?
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw! I'm gettin' a raise out of this?!
BOSS HOGG: No. But if you don't do it, you ain't gonna have a job to ever get a raise FROM!!
(Cletus sighs in frustration.)
BALLADEER: And, back at the Duke farm, Uncle Jessie was on the phone to Miss Tisdale.
UNCLE JESSIE: Emma? This is Jessie Duke. How're you doin'?
MISS TISDALE: Oh, just fine, Jessie. What can I do for such a fine, handsome man today?
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, I've got kind of a big favor to ask...
(switch to Miss Tizdale at the other end)
MISS TISDALE: Well, I'd be happy to do that for you, Jessie! By the way, I heard what happened
at the Bore's Nest yesterday. Are your boys alright?
UNCLE JESSIE: They're just fine, Emma. Listen, could you pick those things up as soon as poss-
ible?
MISS TISDALE: Sure thing, Jessie. You can pick them up here at the post office in about an hour.
UNCLE JESSIE: Actually, Emma, I was wonderin' if you wouldn't mind droppin' them off here at the
farm?
MISS TISDALE: (face lights up) You want me to come out to your farm, Jessie. Well, I'd be glad to!
And you can make that half an hour!
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Emma. We'll see ya then! Thank you very much! Bye, now. (hangs up
phone) Luke, this plan of yours had better work! I hate leadin' that poor woman on
like that!
LUKE: Don't worry, Uncle Jessie. It'll work...
( A car pulls up in front of the house)
DAISY: Hey, someone just pulled up outside. I don't recognise him, though. Must be from outta town.
(David moves to the window)
DAVID: It's McGee. I have to hide.
LUKE: You go hide in the bedroom, David. We'll get rid of him.
(David goes to bedroom, the Dukes walk outside to greet McGee)
UNCLE JESSIE: Howdy, stranger! What can we do for ya?
MCGEE: Good morning...Mr. Duke, I presume?
UNCLE JESSIE: That's right. I'm Jessie Duke.
MCGEE: Well, Mr. Duke, I'm looking for a man named Cooter Davenport. I was told I might find him here.
COOTER: I'm Cooter Davenport. Who might you be, mister?
MCGEE: My name is Jack McGee. I'm from the National Register. We spoke on the phone yesterday.
COOTER: Yeah, I remember, Mr. McGee. Listen, I'm real sorry you had to come all the way out here from
the city, but by the time I called back, you were already on a plane headed here. I don't know
quite how to tell y'all this, but I didn't really see that Hulk thing you're lookin' for.
MCGEE: Oh?
LUKE: That's a fact, Mr. McGee. You see, during that bar fight, my buddy, Cooter, here got knocked silly
and started seein' things that wasn't there.
MCGEE: And one of those "things" was the Hulk?
COOTER: That's right. Listen, Mr. McGee, like I said, I'm real sorry for makin y'all come all the way out here,
but there ain't no Hulk here for ya to find.
MCGEE: But, Mr. Davenport, I've already spoken to several eye witnesses from yesterday's incident. Their
descriptions match the one you gave to a tee.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, Mr. McGee, I don't know what them other people saw, but like Cooter says, he got
knocked out and started seein' things. And if that's what he tells ya, then that's the truth.
Now, if you don't mind, me and my family have a farm to run.
MCGEE: (reluctantly) Alright. Thank you all for your time.
(McGee gets in car and leaves.)
UNCLE JESSIE: That there was too close for comfort. Let's get this plan in motion and get that McGee
character out of Hazzard as soon as we can. Luke, what do you have in mind once Emma
shows up with all that stuff we ordered?
LUKE: Well, the way I figure it, all that really needs to happen is for McGee to see the Hulk get knocked
off right in front of him. That way, he'll quit lookin' for him and leave Hazzard once and for all.
(David approaches)
DAVID: Luke, I appreciate the effort, but that's not going to work. McGee has been trying to find the creature
for the past three years. He's seen it up close. He knows what it looks like.
LUKE: That just makes the plan all that much easier. Cooter never has to get anywhere near McGee. We just
have to make sure he sees him good enough from a distance to believe he's the Hulk so that when
one of us takes him down, he's convinced enough to leave.
DAVID: Well, I'll admit I'm still sceptical. But I sure hope your plan works. I can't tell you how much I'd love
to settle down here in Hazzard.
DAISY: We're all gonna help see to it that you get to, David.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, we're not gonna be able to do any of this on an empty stomach, so let's all get inside
and get some breakfast while we're waiting for Emma to show up.
BALLADEER: And, back at the courthouse, Cletus was finally all decked out in his "Hulk" costume.
(Cletus enters Boss Hogg's office looking more like Frankenstein than the Hulk and carrying a newspaper in
his hand.)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, do I have to go through with this? I mean, I feel so silly wearing this get-up. No one's
gonna beleive I'm the Hulk. I mean, look at the article in the Hazzard Gazzette. Everyone described
that thing as "muscular". And I do have to admit, "muscular" is one thing I'm not!
BOSS HOGG: "One thing" is right. Now you just listen to me. Rosco is gonna sneak you out the back way.
Then, you're gonna run through Hazzard Square makin' all kinds of roarin' and growlin' sounds
like the Hulk made at the Bore's Nest yesterday. You got that?
CLETUS: But Cousin Boss, I wasn't at the Bore's Nest yesterday. I have no idea what that thing sounds like!
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Cletus! How hard can it be?! You just growl and roar like a lion. Even you
should be able to handle that! Now, get out to that county square and be the Hulk!
ROSCO: (Waving Cletus on) Come on, you dipstick, let's get at it.
(Rosco and Cletus exit)
BOSS HOGG: (Chuckling to himself) Ten thousand semolians, here I come!
BALLADEER: A few minutes later, Miss Tizdale was arrivin' at the farm with some surprisin' news for the Dukes.
(Miss Tizdale places brown bag on kitchen table.)
MISS TIZDALE: That's right, Jessie. J.D. Hogg made an order like yours not ten minutes before you called me.
UNCLE JESSIE: Emma, I know that must seem pretty peculiar to ya, but...
MISS TIZDALE: Why should it, Jessie? I know that a fine man like you could never have the same ideas
in his head as J.D. Hogg.
BO: Well, shoot, Miss Tizdale. Didn't you hear about that big green thing tearin' up...
LUKE: Bo!
MISS TIZDALE: Oh, come now, boys. You don't really believe any of that claptrap, do you?
LUKE: Of course we don't, do we, Bo.
BO: (grinning sheepishly) Ah, no. No, ma'am, we don't.
MISS TIZDALE: Well, good for you, boys. I'm glad to see your Uncle Jessie raised you to have more
sense than that. Well, I gotta be goin', now. But listen, Jessie, you need anything else
from town, you give a holler, y'hear?
UNCLE JESSIE: I'll do that, Emma. Bye, now.
(Miss Tizdale exits.)
UNCLE JESSIE: Bo, what in tarnation was goin' through yer head, spillin' the beans that way? If the wrong
person finds out why we have all this stuff, the law will be down on David like a hound on
a T- bone.
BO: I'm sorry, Uncle Jessie. I didn't mean to slip like that.
UNCLE JESSIE: You just watch what you say from now on, y'hear?
BO: Yes, sir.
LUKE: Look, we got more important things to worry about right now. Like why Boss went and made the same
order we did. We all know that can't be coincidence.
DAISY: Yeah, but who does Boss Hogg know that would fit the description of the Hulk?
LUKE: Nobody. But that's never stopped him before. Why should this time be any different? Alright, we gotta
set this plan in motion. Daisy, go tell David it's safe to come out now. He's got a bigger stake in this
than any of us.
(David enters)
DAVID: No need, Daisy. I had the bedroom door open. I heard everything. Look, folks, I appreciate every-
thing you've all done for me and everything you're obviously all willing to do for me, but now that this
"Boss Hogg" appears to have the same idea as us, I think for us to try to continue with this plan will
just turn Hazzard into one big circus. Now, I know all your intentions are good, but no good can come
of this. I'm just going to leave Hazzard before...
COOTER: Now, wait just a second, there, David. I got you into this mess and I intend to get you out. Now, even
if Boss Hogg does have the same plan as Luke, we can always come up with another one. It ain't like
it'd be the first time. And, as for turning Hazzard County into a circus...well, I think the folks in this town
would get more suspicious if things stayed quiet for a day, y'know what I mean?
LUKE: Cooter's right, David. Now, I think it's pretty obvious, with what Miss Tizdale just told us, that we can't set
my plan in motion until we find out what Boss is really up to. So, me and Bo will take a ride into town and
see what we can find out. Meantime, Cooter, you start puttin' that stuff on so, in case we CAN still use my
plan, we can pick you up directly once we find out what's goin' on.
DAVID: Aright, Luke, but listen, I'm going with you two...
LUKE: (shakes head) No dice...
UNCLE JESSIE: David, have you gone plum loco?! After what happened at the Bore's Nest yesterday, the towns-
people would spot you in a second! And with that McGee character snoopin' around everyplace,
you can't afford to have that happen!
DAVID: Alright, I'll stay behind. But, listen, boys. Please be careful.
LUKE: Don't worry about us, David. Let's go, Bo.
(Bo + Luke exit. Fade to them driving the General Lee into town.)
BO: Luke, do you really think this plan of yours is gonna work?
LUKE: Hard to tell right now. I can't be sure until I see what Boss is up to.
BO: Yeah, I know it. Hey, who do you think he's gettin' to be his Hulk?
LUKE: I ain't a mind reader, Bo. I gotta wait and find out, same as you. Why don't you take a few shortcuts. The
quicker we get into town, the better.
BO: You got it, cousin. Hang on!
BALLADEER: While Bo was takin' every shortcut he could think of to get into town as quick as he could, Cletus
was standin' in an alley the town square with a baaad case of stage fright.
CLETUS: Rosco, I changed my mind. I don't care what Cousin Boss says, I ain't goin' out there and makin' a
fool of myself in front of everyone in Hazzard! He can fire me if he wants to, but I ain't doin' it!
ROSCO: Cletus, I don't know what you're so worried about. You make a fool of yourself every day! The only
difference here is that no one will be able to recognize ya'!
CLETUS: That's not funny, Rosco.
ROSCO: You just hush and get out there and do like Boss told ya!
CLETUS: (sighs)...The things I go through to keep this job.
(Bo + Luke pull into the square in the General Lee)
LUKE: Alright, cousin, keep yer eyes peeled for anything peculiar.
BO: (chuckling) You mean like that?
(Bo points to Cletus, who is pretending to be the Hulk)
LUKE: Is that Cletus?!
(Bo + Luke laugh hysterically)
LUKE: I can't believe Boss actually got him to do that!
BO: Well, I guess we don't gotta worry about yer plan not workin' now, huh?
(Boss Hogg rushes out of the county courthouse)
BOSS HOGG: Run, everybody! Run for your lives!! It's the Hulk! He's back to wreak more havock on Hazzard!!
(Boss Hogg spots McGee leaving the Hazzard Hotel and runs toward him.)
BOSS HOGG: Mr. McGee! There he is! It's the Hulk!! Grab him while you got the chance!!
CLETUS: (shocked) WHAT?!
MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, you don't really expect me to believe that's the Hulk, do you?
BOSS HOGG: Well, of coarse that's the Hulk! I mean, who else could possible look that big and ugly?!
MCGEE: Well apparently your deputy, for one.
BOSS HOGG: Why, Mr McGee, whatever do you mean?
MCGEE: Look, Mr Hogg, I've been chasing the Hulk for over three years now. I know what he looks like. That
isn't him. And I happen to recognize your deputy because he's the one who told me where I could
find Mr. Davenport this morning. And frankly, Mr. Hogg, a lot of people have tried to scam me and my
newspaper over the past three years to try to collect the $10,000 reward and I must say (points to Cletus)
this has to be the lamest attempt I have ever seen! Now if you'll excuse me, I have an investigation
to conduct.
BOSS HOGG: (angry and frustrated) DANG! DANG! AND DOUBLE DANG!!!
(Bo + Luke are still laughing)
BO: Well, I guess we can head back to the farm and let everyone know there's no need to worry.
LUKE: Why don't we need to worry?
BO: You saw what just happened, same as me. McGee didn't believe Boss for a second.
LUKE: Yeah, but I also heard what McGee said. David was right. When we make this happen, we gotta keep Cooter
as far away from McGee as possible.
(Rosco sneaks up behind the General Lee)
ROSCO: Allllright, you Duke boys! I finally gotcha! Get out of that vehicle! Oooh, I love it, I love it!
BO: Before we get out, Rosco, would you mind tellin' us why?
ROSCO: Don't you play dumb with me, Bo Duke. You know I still gotcha on them fightin' charges from yesterday. And as soon as I find Cooter and that stranger you were with, I'm gonna arrest them, too! Now, you just climb on out of that vehicle!
BO: Alright, Rosco, you got us. We'll get out...just as soon as you can catch us!
(Bo and Luke peel off in the General Lee)
ROSCO: You're not gettin' away from me that easy!
(Rosco runs to his patrol car)
ROSCO: Cletus, get in your patrol car and help me chase them Duke boys!
CLETUS: Dressed like this?!
ROSCO: Cletus, I'm gonna knock you into the middle of next week! Now you just get in your patrol car and follow me! That's an
order!
(Fade to Bo and Luke in the General driving through the backroads of Hazzard)
LUKE: Looks like we got a pretty good head start on 'em. Shouldn't be too hard to lose 'em.
(A delivery truck pulls out in front of the General Lee from a side road)
LUKE: Bo, look out!!
(scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, ain't that just typical Duke timing?
(end act 2)
(Bo quickly swerves out of the way.)
BO: Cousin, that was closer to meetin' my maker than I want to come for a long time.
(Fade to Rosco and Cletus in their patrol cars)
ROSCO: Cletus, this is your superior officer talkin'! I want you to take Meadow Lane up to Swamp Crossing! I'll take Ridge Road and we'll cut 'em off at the pass!
CLETUS: 10-4, Rosco! I'm gone!
(Fade back to Bo and Luke)
LUKE: I don't see Rosco or Cletus anywhere in sight. We shouldn't have any problem makin' it to Swamp Crossing. We'll be in the clear from there.
BO: You got it, Luke. Hang on!
(A quick shot of the General Lee twisting and Turning throught the Hazzard backroads)
(Fade back to Rosco and Cletus)
ROSCO: Alright, Cletus, I'm commin' up on Swamp Crossing! Where are you, you dipstick?!
CLETUS: I ain't more'n a half a mile away, Rosco!
ROSCO: Alright! When we get there, we form a road block! You got that?!
CLETUS: Yes, sir, Sheriff!
(Cletus manages to reach Swamp Crossing before Rosco. Bo and Luke approach in the General Lee)
LUKE: Bo, watch it! There's Cletus!
BO: I see him, cousin. Hang on!
(Bo narrowly steers clear of Cletus)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, y'all know they don't call this Swamp Crossing for nothin'.
(Rosco approaches too fast and can't stop in time.)
ROSCO: Cletus! Get out of the way, you dipstick!!
(Rosco's car launches into the air and lands in the Hazzard swamp. We get a shot of Rosco as his car starts to sink)
ROSCO: Cletus, help me get outta here! (to himself) Boss ain't gonna be happy about this. WOOJEE!!
LUKE: Well, it looks like Rosco's alright.
BO: Yeah, and it looks like we just helped Cooter pay off his tow truck. HAHA!
BALLADEER: Meanwhile, back at the farm, Cooter was ready to show everyone what he looked like dressed as the Hulk.
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, David, now tell us. Does Cooter look anything like that thing you turn into?
DAVID: (skeptically) I don't know...I just don't know.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, you better decide, and real quick. Cause Cooter, here, is the only chance you got of gettin' rid of that McGee character once and for all.
(Dixie horn sounds as General Lee approaches)
DAISY: Here's Bo and Luke. I wonder if they saw anything.
UNCLE JESSIE: We'll all find out soon enough.
(Bo and Luke enter)
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, what did you boys see? Anything?
LUKE: Oh, we saw, quite a bit, alright. And believe me, we ain't got nothin' to worry about...except McGee seein' Cooter up close while he's dressed as the Hulk. See, Boss Hogg's plan was to have Cletus dress up as the Hulk and run through the town square scarin' everybody. Luckily, McGee saw right through it.
(Bo looks at Cooter and laughs)
COOTER: What's so funny?
BO: Nothin'. It's just that you look more like the Jolly Green Giant than the Hulk.
LUKE: Alright, Y'all. Now, here's my plan. Cooter, you're gonna run through town as fast as you can. But you gotta make sure no one gets a good look at ya. We'll all be there, too. Bo and me in the General, and Uncle Jessie and Daisy in the pick-up.
Now, Bo and me will start chasin' you outta town, followed by Uncle Jessie and Daisy...
BO: Wait a second, Luke. That didn't work for Boss Hogg. It ain't gonna work for us, neither. As soon as Him and Rosco spot us followin' Cooter outta town, they're gonna come chasin' us.
LUKE: And hopefully McGee will be with 'em. That's exactly what I want. Once we get far enough outta town that it's just them and us, Uncle Jessie takes out his rifle and shoots a couple o' blanks at Cooter. He takes a dive. McGee sees it and leaves Hazzard thinkin' that the Hulk is dead.
DAVID: It won't work.
BO: Why not?
DAVID: First of all, once McGee sees Cooter get shot. He'll want to get closer to make sure that it IS the creature that was killed, and not a phony. Secondly, like I told you before, he knows that a man changes into the creature. So, even if he doesn't get close enough to recognize Cooter....
LUKE:...He'll know somethin's up when he doesn't change back.
DAVID: Exactly.
LUKE: Alright, just give me a minute to re-think this a little.
BALLADEER: And, back at the county courthouse, Rosco and Cletus was reportin' to Boss that they couldn't find Cooter
to give 'em a tow.
BOSS HOGG: What do you mean, you can't find 'im?! Couldn't you raise him on the cb?
ROSCO: No, Boss. That's what we've been tryin' to tell ya. Cooter ain't at his garage, and he ain't answerin' the cb.
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, an' I know exactly why. He's out at the Duke farm cohortin' with them no-good Dukes and that stranger
to try and snooker that reporter outta that reward money.
CLETUS: You really think so, Cousin Boss? I mean, that just doesn't sound like somethin' the Dukes would do.
BOSS HOGG: Cletus, never mind what them Dukes would or wouldn't do! You just get yourself cleaned up and out of that
dang fool get-up and get back out to your normal speed trap duty!
CLETUS: (Sighs, frustrated) Yes, Cousin Boss.
(Cletus exits)
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I want you to get over to the Hazzard Gazette. I had Homer find me some old copies of that newspaper
The National Register that McGee works for. I wanna find out everything there is to know about that Hulk thing
while I still have a shot at beatin' them Dukes to that ten thousand dollar reward.
ROSCO: But, Boss, McGee saw right through your last scheme. What makes you think he'd believe anything else you do?
BOSS HOGG: Will you just let me worry about that?! Now go get me them newspapers I need! And while you're out there,
bring me back somethin' to eat.
ROSCO: Boss, it's three o'clock in the afternoon. Ain't you had lunch yet?
BOSS HOGG: Yeah. But you can't very well expect me to scheme on an empty stomach, now can ya?! Now get goin!!
ROSCO: Alright, I'm gone.
BALLADEER: And, at the farm, Luke was makin' sure everyone knew and was ready for their parts in his big plan.
LUKE: Alright, it's just about show time. Now, everyone remember what they're supposed to do?
DAVID: What about me?
LUKE: Well, to tell ya the truth, David, more and more I'm thinkin' the best place for you to be during all this is right here
at the farm, where you'll be as far from any trouble as possible.
DAVID: (reluctantly) Alright.
(Scene changes to Cletus in his patrol car)
BALLADEER: Now, on his way to speed trap duty, Cletus had a sudden attack of conscience, which was leadin' him
straight to the Dukes. Friends, you wanna talk about bein' in the wrong place at the wroooong time?
(Fade back to Duke farm. The Dukes and Cooter are just coming out of the house to start Luke's plan)
LUKE: Alright, everybody, we'll see y'all in town.
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, boys. But, listen, you just be careful you don't get spotted, now!
BO: Yes, sir!
(Daisy pauses)
DAISY: Hey, wait a second, y'all. You hear someone commin'?
BO: I hope it ain't that McGee character again.
LUKE: Worse than that! It's Cletus! Cooter, get back into the house!!
(Cooter runs back into the house just as Cletus pulls up)
BALLADEER: Ya know, folks, given the way things usually work out for the Dukes, I think I'd be more worried if Luke's
plan had actually gone off smooth!
CLETUS: Howdy, Y'all!
UNCLE JESSIE: Hey, Cletus. What brings you by this way?
LUKE: Did Boss send you to arrest us on them phony fight charges from what happened yesterday at the Bore's Nest?
CLETUS: No, Cousin Boss didn't send me out here. I came out on my own. But it does have to do with what happened
yesterday.
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Cletus, spill it. What's on yer mind?
CLETUS: Well, since I saw the General Lee in town earlier today, I don't think I have to tell you boys what Cousin Boss
made me do so he could try to con McGee out of that reward money.
(Bo tries not to laugh)
LUKE: Yeah, we sorta caught a glimpse of that.
CLETUS: Yeah, well, he thinks you folks are up to something to try to collect that reward money, too.
UNCLE JESSIE: You don't think that, do you, Cletus?
CLETUS: No,sir, Uncle Jessie. I know you folks better than that.
LUKE: Much obliged, Cletus. But right now, we're all headed into town, so if ya don't mind...
CLETUS: Oh, no sweat. I just wanted to come out here and warn y'all. I gotta get back to speed trap duty, anyway.
Say, by the way, would y'all have any idea where Cooter is? Rosco and me can't find him anywhere.
BO: Sorry, Cletus, we ain't seen him.
LUKE: But if we do, we'll be sure and let him know that you're lookin' for him.
CLETUS: Thanks.
(Cletus gets back in his car)
CLETUS: See y'all later.
(Cooter comes out of the house)
COOTER: What did Cletus want?
LUKE: Well, you, amoung other things.
BO: Yeah, Luke and me kinda forgot to mention that we dumped Rosco in Hazzard swamp and he was probably
gonna need a tow.
COOTER: And when he couldn't find me, he went and reported it to Boss Hogg.
BO: And Boss probably already figured you were here with us.
DAISY: So, now that Boss Hogg is on to us, what are we gonna do?
LUKE: We're gonna stick to my original plan. I just gotta re-think it a little.
(The scene changes, once again, to the county courthouse, where Boss Hogg and Rosco are surrounded by copies
on The National Register, and Boss is eating an extra large pizza)
BOSS HOGG: Alright, Rosco. We're gonna look through every one of these here newspapers until we find out every-
thing we need to know about the hulk.
(Boss picks up a copy with the famous picture of the Hulk running through New York city on the front page.)
BOSS HOGG: Hmmmph! He's even uglier in the newspaper than he is in person.
(Rosco picks up an issue and his eyes light up)
ROSCO: Ooooo, Boss! Feast your fat little eyes on this one!
(Boss grabs the newspaper from Rosco)
BOSS HOGG: (reading the headline) Incredible Hulk Kills Two: Mysterious creature takes the lives of Doctors Elaina
Marks and David Banner.
(Rosco points to pictures of David and Elaina further down on the page)
ROSCO: Boss, look at that guy right there. The one they said the Hulk killed. Ain't that the guy that jumped into the
General Lee after the Hulk attacked the Bore's Nest yesterday?
BOSS HOGG: (gasps) Yeah, that's him, alright. And he's supposed to be dead.
ROSCO: But he ain't dead.
BOSS HOGG: He sure ain't
ROSCO: And he IS in Hazzard County.
BOSS HOGG: He sure is. Rosco, do you know what this means?
ROSCO: Are you kiddin' me?! Of coarse I...no, what?
BOSS HOGG: You numbskull! It means we can still collect that ten thousand dollar reward!!
ROSCO: How're we gonna do that?
BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Simple, you knucklehead! We're gonna go out to the Duke farm right now...
ROSCO: Yeah?
BOSS HOGG: ...and arrest David Banner!!
(Scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Well, friends, like they say in all them mystery books: The plot thickens!
(end act 3)
ROSCO: Uh, Boss, what if he ain't out at the Dukes farm like you think?
BOSS HOGG: Well, if that's the case, I might not be able to collect that reward, but I'll get to do somethin' that'll make
me feel just as good.
ROSCO: What's that?
BOSS HOGG: I'll be able to arrest Bo and Luke Duke on them fight charges from yesterday!
ROSCO: 0oooohhhhh, Good news! Good news!
(Boss Hogg and Rosco leave the court house and spot Jack McGee in Hazzard Square.)
BOSS HOGG: (over-doing his kindness) Oh, Mr. McGee? Could I see you for a moment, please?
MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, please, I really don't have time for any more of your shananagins. I'm going to make one last
attempt at spotting the Hulk and then I'm getting on the first plane back home.
BOSS HOGG: But, Mr. McGee, I think I can lead you straight to the Hulk. (pulls out copy of National Register) Isn't that
the man the Hulk supposedly killed?
MCGEE: Yes. That's Dr. David Banner. But he didn't supposedly kill him, he did it. I saw it with my own eyes.
ROSCO: Boss, if he saw the Hulk kill the guy in that newspaper, then who's the guy that's stayin' with the Dukes?
MCGEE: There's no one out at that farm except for the Duke family and Mr. Davenport.
BOSS HOGG: That's where you're wrong, Mr. McGee. The man in that there newspaper of yours is the same man
that was with the Dukes and Cooter yesterday at the Bore's Nest.
MCGEE: So, you're saying that Dr. Banner faked his death?
ROSCO: Well, if the King can do it, why can't he?
BOSS HOGG: (to Rosco) Oh, would you hush up, please?!
MCGEE: And you're saying that he's out at the Duke farm right now?
BOSS HOGG: That's right, Mr. McGee. As a matter of fact, my sheriff and I were just on our way out there to arrest him.
(goes back to the kindness routine) And I thought, seein' as how you got a personal stake in all this, you'd
wanna follow us out there and see him for yourself.
MCGEE: Yeah, I think I may just do that.
BOSS HOGG: Alright, you can follow me and sheriff Coltrane out there right now.
MCGEE: Fine, but I warn you, Mr. Hogg. If this is just another attempt by you to con my newspaper out of the reward money,
I WILL be filing fraud charges against you as soon as I get back home!
(Boss Hogg cringes)
BOSS HOGG: Alright, alright, fine! I'll just prove it to ya when we get there!
BALLADEER: Now, while Boss, Rosco, and Jack McGee were headed to the Duke's farm to arrest David, Luke was re-layin' out his plan for everyone.
LUKE: Alright, now if everyone meets in town and does exactly like I just told ya, the plan should go off without a hitch.
UNCLE JESSE: Alright, let's get at it. David, you stay here and stay by the cb in case we need to get in contact with ya.
DAVID: Alright, but listen, everyone. Please be careful. I don't want any of you getting hurt on my account.
BALLADEER: Now, due to his usual sense of timin', Cletus was drivin' down the same road from the Duke's farm back to Hazzard as Boss, Rosco, and McGee were. So he was about to run into 'em...literally.
(Cletus nearly has a head-on collision with Rosco, but they each swerve and end up side swiping each other. Jack McGee sees this and shakes his head in frustration.)
ROSCO: Cletus, you Dipstick!! Don't you know the sheriff always has the right of way?!
CLETUS: Sorry, Rosco. Sorry, Cousin Boss. But how did I know y'all would be commin' down this road the same time as me?!
BOSS HOGG: Never mind that now! Cletus, you follow us back out to the Duke farm! We may need you for back-up!
CLETUS: Back-up? What for? Bo and Luke never give you THAT much trouble.
BOSS HOGG: Well, we ain't goin' out there to arrest the Dukes boys! We're goin' out there to arrest David Banner!
CLETUS: Who?
ROSCO: (waves fist at Cletus) Cletus, I'm gonna knock you into the middle of next week if you don't stop askin' stupid questions and just follow us!
CLETUS: Alright, alright. I'll follow ya. (to himself) Man, everyone is so uptight around here today.
(Scene switches back to the farm, where everyone is getting into their cars as Rosco, Cletus, and Jack McGee approach)
UNCLE JESSE: Luke, you and Bo get David and Cooter into the house before McGee sees 'em!
BO: Yes, sir!
LUKE: David, Cooter, come on!
(Bo, Luke, David, and Cooter run back into the house and listen at a window)
BOSS HOGG: (getting out of patrol car) Alright, Rosco, search the premises!
UNCLE JESSE: Now, you wait just a minute, J.D.! You ain't searchin' nothin' until I see a search warrant!
BOSS HOGG: Uh-uh! I ain't waitin' for no search warrant this time. On account of you Dukes are known to harborin' a fugitve from justice! Namely one David Banner!
(Bo, Luke, Cooter and David all look at each other in shock)
BO: How the heck did Boss find out?!
LUKE: I don't know, but he's bound and determined to make his way in here. I figure Uncle Jesse can hold 'im off, but I don't wanna take no chances. David, we're gonna have t' sneak you out the back. There's an old outhouse out there about a half a mile back. You can hide in there until we come get you.
DAVID: Alright.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you search the house! Cletus, you search the barn!
(As Rosco reaches the porch door, Uncle Jesse grabs his rifle and steps in front of him)
UNCLE JESSE: Rosco, so help me, if you step one foot inside my house, I'm gonna give you a keaster full of buckshot!
ROSCO: What?! Don't you threaten me, Jesse Duke...
UNCLE JESSE: I ain't threatenin' ya! I'm promisin' ya! Now just get away from my house! Just back off!!
ROSCO: (cowering and backing down) Boss, I think he's serious about that!
(switch to David climbing out the back window and running into the field behind the house.)
LUKE: Alright, David should be okay until we can get to him. Right now, we need to go out there and give Uncle Jesse and
Daisy a hand.
(Just then, a loud metallic snap is heard from behind the house. It is followed by David screaming loudly)
COOTER: Sounds like David's hurt.
BO: Oh no. Luke, didn't we set a bear trap out there a few days ago?
LUKE: (with a look of panic on his face) Oh, Lord!
(The boys and cooter run out back to help David)
LUKE: David?
BO: David, are you alright?
(David struggles to get his foot out of the bear trap. His eyes are squinted shut with pain. When he finally opens them, they are white. The boys and Cooter approach to find David starting to change.)
LUKE: Oh, no!
BO: Dangit! We're too late!
COOTER: I can't believe my eyes, y'all.
(The boys and Cooter watch in awe as David changes in front of them)
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I heard a scream! Go around back and see what it is! And Jesse, if you try an' stop him, I'll arrest you for obstructing justice!
( Rosco walks out back to "investigate")
DAISY: What justice, Boss?! This ain't nothin' but a ruthless manhunt!
UNCLE JESSE: A man who ain't done nothin' to you, J.D.!
(The conversation is stopped by a terrified scream from Rosco. The group looks up to see Rosco flying in mid-air and then land in a pile of hay.)
UNCLE JESSE: Daisy, you got the same feelin' I do?
DAISY: I sure do, Uncle Jesse.
UNCLE JESSE: Let's get out back and see what's goin' on!
(Jack McGee helps Rosco out of the hay pile)
MCGEE: Sheriff, are you alright?
ROSCO: Of course I'm alright! I'll tell you what, though. That crash woulda killed ten ordinary men! WOOJEE!!
MCGEE: Maybe the Hulk is here after all. I'll go around the other side and take a look for myself.
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, you do that, Mr McGee! And me and Sheriff Coltrane will ambush him from this side!
ROSCO: What?! Are you kiddin' me?! That thing'll knock us into the middle of next week!!
(Uncle Jesse and Daisy arrive out back)
UNCLE JESSE: Boys, what in tarnation's goin' on back here?!
(Uncle Jesse and Daisy stare in silent awe at the Hulk as he stares scrutinizingly at them. Out front, McGee is passing by the barn door just as Cletus is coming out. Cletus hits McGee with the barn door, knocking him out cold.)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, there ain't nobody in the barn! (sees McGee on the ground)...Uh oh.
(Out back, the Dukes try to calm the Hulk)
UNCLE JESSE: Luke, is that...?
LUKE: Yeah, Uncle Jesse, that's David.
UNCLE JESSE: That poor man. But he said he only turns into that thing when he gets mad. What happened out here that got him so riled?
BO: He stepped in that bear trap that me and Luke set out here a few days ago.
UNCLE JESSE: The bear trap?! I specifically told you two not to set that thing less than half a mile out. When are you two gonna learn that when I tell ya to do something a certain way, it's for a reason?!
(Cletus approaches from the other side of the house)
CLETUS: Hey, guys, what's goin' on back...(sees the Hulk and his jaw srops)...buzzards on a buzzsaw, they weren't kiddin'.
(The Hulk flexes and roars at Cletus, then runs away from the group)
LUKE: Dangit, Cletus! Come on, Bo, let's get after 'im!
(Bo and Luke chase after the Hulk, yelling Daivd's name as they run. Our front, Boss Hogg and Rosco approach McGee as he re-gains consciousness)
BOSS HOGG: Mr. Mcgee! Mr McGee, are you alright?
(Out back, Uncle Jesse gets an idea)
UNCLE JESSE: Cooter, McGee will be commin' around back here any second now. But he never saw David or the Hulk. So, as long as we got you dressed like that anyway...
COOTER: I read ya loud and clear, Uncle Jesse.
(Cooter starts running toward the barn to make sure McGee can see him)
BOSS HOGG: Mr. McGee! Mr. McGee, there he is! There's the Hulk!!
ROSCO: Boss, that ain't the Hulk. You know what? I think that's Cooter.
BOSS HOGG: What?! You're wrong, Rosco! That's gotta be the Hulk!!
ROSCO: Boss, I seen that thing up close. And that ain't him.
BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you just hush up and let Mr. McGee judge for himself?!
MCGEE: You can give up your charade anytime now, Mr. Hogg. Your sheriff is right. That's not the Hulk.
BOSS HOGG: What do you mean, that's not the Hulk?! Take a look at him! That's gotta be him!
MCGEE: (very angry and frustrated) Mr. Hogg, if I didn't fall for your little show the first time, what made you think I would fall for it now?
BOSS HOGG: Now, Mr. McGee, I admit that ain't the Hulk. But I swear to you, as God as my witness, that I had nothin' t' do with what Cooter's doin' right now!
MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, you can try to lie your way out of this all you want, but I warned you. Now, I WILL be getting on the next flight home and I WILL be filing fraud charges against you when I get there. Good day, gentlemen.
(McGee walks away, gets in his car, and leaves. Boss Hogg attempts to chase after him on foot, but gives up after about fifty feet. About a mile out back, Bo and Luke finally catch up to the Hulk. He is sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree.)
BO: What do you reckon we should do now?
LUKE: Ain't much we CAN do except wait here until he calms down enough to change back.
(As if on cue, the Hulk starts to slowlt revert back to David)
LUKE: It's ok, David. Everything's gonna be alright.
(Bo and Luke help David to his feet.)
DAVID: Was anyone hurt?
BO: (chuckling) Well, you sent Rosco for a little romp in the hay, but otherwise, no.
(Bo and Luke walk David back to the farm house. The scene changes to Boss Hogg's office as the Balladeer wraps the story up.)
BALLADEER: Well, if y'all are wonderin' why Boss Hogg is smilin', it's because he just found out that McGee had enough time on the plane to cool off. So he changed his mind about pressin' them fraud charges. Cooter got himself all cleaned up and joined David and the Dukes outside the house. As for David, he firgured that, since the Hulk had been seen by so many people around Hazzard, he better get while the gettin' was good.
LUKE: David, you sure you don't wanna stick around and give it one more shot? You just give me a little while, I'll come up with another plan.
DAVID: Look, I appreciate everything you folks have done for me. But there are just too many people here in Hazzard that know the truth about me and the creature. I have to move on.
UNCLE JESSE: David's right, Luke. Now that J.D. knows who he is, he'll never know peace here in Hazzard.
DAISY: We're just all real sorry we couldn't help ya settle down here. I hope you find a place to call home someday, David.
DAVID: Thank you, Daisy. Boys...(shakes hands with Bo, Luke, and Cooter.) Be good to yourselves, my friends.
LUKE: You just remember that. If you're ever passin' through Hazzard again, you got friends here.
UNCLE JESSE: That ain't so, Luke.
(everyone gives Uncle Jesse a shocked look.)
UNCLE JESSE: He ain't got friends here...he's got family.
DAVID: Thank you, Mr. Duke.
UNCLE JESSE: You call me Uncle Jesse.
DAVID: Thank you, Uncle Jesse. (David shakes hands with Uncle Jesse)
UNCLE JESSE: Good luck, David.
(David throws his leather satchel over his shoulder and leaves the group, and the Duke farm. Scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Well, friends, that just goes t' show ya. Not every story can have a happy ending...even in Hazzard County.
THE END