This is my first Instant Star fanfic… it's been a while since I posted anything I wrote, but I really like this one. This starts right after Unsweet Sixteen and goes completely AU from there. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: I'm Miles From Where You Are

Jude strummed her guitar, letting the soft rhythm lull her into some sense of calm. It was the only time she felt a bit like herself anymore. Didn't help that she was in a strange city, away from home, trying to forget. It had been three years; you'd think some sort of acceptance would have come. But it didn't and here she was trying to grab onto something that had been a part of another lifetime. The din of noisy streets assaulted her as she got up to peer out the window. Everything was brighter in New York; it almost burned her eyes to look upon the streets. The frenzy of Times Square and tourists surrounded her and she tried for just an instant to pretend she was still in the studio, safe and secure with Tommy. She wasn't though and for the third time that night she let out a sigh, backing away from the window, back to the guitar lying on her bed. The apartment was spacious enough, but she always felt claustrophobic at night, when she was all alone to her thoughts. The last time she saw Tommy was the last time everything was normal, the last time she was just a kid. Singing softly she tried to forget.

There had been alcohol, lots of it. Tommy wouldn't look her in the eye as she stood at the bar ordering another round of Tequila shots. This wasn't where he wanted to be, but she'd just looked at him with wide blue eyes, letting him know in no uncertain terms that he owed her this much. He had broken her heart only two hours earlier. Sick of crying Jude decided drowning her sorrows was the best option. Her rain-slicked skin was finally starting to dry underneath the strobe lights and she smiled winningly at the bartender. She didn't look sixteen, she looked nineteen easily, even with the hastily re-applied make-up and soaked satin dress. It clung to her in ways Tommy didn't want to notice, even though he did. He was still nursing his beer when she ambled back over a little tipsy on her heels.

"Come on Tommy try to look alive." Jude smiled at him hazily, letting herself fall into the seat next to him. She could smell his cologne and turned her head away, watching the many people throw themselves at each other in the dark, nameless faces.

"You've had enough, girl." Tommy tried to take her drink away but she was quicker. Her nose crinkled in protest as she cradled the drink to her chest, glaring at him.

"Oh little Tommy Q thinks I've had enough, well then." She snorted in derision and downed the rest, ignoring the burn in the back of her throat. It felt like her heart was still breaking even hours after the kiss, she could feel the cracks growing as she slipped further into the drunken haze.

She sat in his viper for the second time that night, cradling herself against the door. She wanted to cry, to scream, do anything but feel the way she did about him. He kept sneaking glances at her from the corner of his eye, as he watched the Toronto streets dance by.

"I can't go home." Jude said sullenly, the stench of alcohol surrounding her as she shut her eyes. Tommy gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, sighing, as if he realized that already.

"You okay?"

Jude just shook her head, looking him square in the eyes.
"I feel like I'm dying Tommy. What did you expect?" Her tone is so bitter even she feels like wincing. It's true though, she'd never felt so alone. Shivering, Jude let herself curl more into the door, hoping to find some trace of warmth. The viper glided smoothly along the rain slick streets, the gentle hum of the engine, a soothing respite from everything. Jude didn't even notice they stopped until Tommy let out a frustrated sigh, hands tugging at his hair in a quest for control.

"Where are we?" Jude's voice was hoarse as she looked at the high rise in front of her, a feeling of dread swimming over her.

"My place." He turned to her, "Can you walk?"

She wanted to come up with a scathing reply but it took too much energy, and the day had been too long, her brain too jumbled to do anything other than nod.

Jude looked around the apartment. It was too dark to see much but it was definitely minimalist. There was no colour, barely even signs of life in the place, which had an eerie calm about it. Tommy just charged right in; throwing things around, in a way she knew wasn't normal. His jacket pooled on the floor and random drops of water followed his path into the next room. She didn't know what to do with herself, the pounding in her head had kicked in and she felt like curling up and dying more then anything. Swaying slightly, she watched through blurry eyes as Tommy came back into the hall, holding a change of clothes and a towel out to her. The bathroom was spacious and she slowly slid the lock in place, sliding to the floor. That's when she let herself cry, the kind of sobs that shook her entire body and made her throat ache. She wanted to destroy something he loved so badly, but as far as she could see, Tommy didn't love anything, accept maybe the Viper. Pulling her knees to her chest, she let her headrest against them for a moment; trying to push away all the feelings, gain some sort of calm. Everything swirled and danced before her, the tile a spinning wave of grey. She slowly stood, steadying herself against the door, and getting the first good look at her reflection. Her make-up had smudged and she wiped at it furiously, hoping to wash away the remnants of the night. Where Tommy had cradled his face in her hands, where his lips had been. She chocked out another sob, the sound of running water swallowing it.

When she finally came out, dressed in a pair of baggy sweats and his sweatshirt she felt worse than before. His smell was all around her, burnt into her skin like a red mark. She couldn't wash it off and her heart ached every time she took a breath. There was something so intimate about wearing his clothes, which hung loosely on her thin frame it was what lovers did. Only they weren't lovers, she wasn't even sure they qualified as friends. He was sitting on the couch, sipping a tumbler of amber liquid. It seemed he waited to drown his sorrows until she was done. He didn't try to look at her as she made her way to sit across from him. He was too entranced by the ice clinking against his glass, the droplets of condensation rolling down his hand.

They didn't talk. He drank, and she sat legs tucked underneath her, hands toying with the frayed sleeves of her sweater, his sweater.

"I never wanted this to happen." Tommy looked at her then, trying to make her see the anguish in his eyes. It was reflected in her own, her own pain too strong to try and comprehend his.

"Well it did Quincy." She refused to look at him her eyes dancing around the room.

"You don't understand what it's like to want something you know you can't have." She laughed at that, a hoarse sound that wasn't even remotely like her. Standing she went to the window, looking over the sleeping city in silence. She didn't want to cry, she didn't want to hurt anymore. Her promise to him just a few hours earlier was on repeat in her mind and she just wanted it to stop. His lips, his words, were like cancer, slowly spreading through her body, killing her. She'd never been so happy as she was in that alleyway pressed against him, tasting him. Everyone had to pay for true moments of happiness and she was no exception.

She wasn't expecting strong arms to encircle her waist, his face to be buried in her hair. She didn't jump in surprise, just watched their reflection in the windowpane, so close to some precipice of despair.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered into her hair. His breath smelt like alcohol and cigarette smoke, but she knew he wasn't drunk, just sad. Take another little piece of my heart was on repeat in her head, the upbeat ditty making her want to cry all over again.

"Make the pain go away Tommy." She turned in his arms, face to face with him. Her big blue eyes begging him to do something, something he knew he couldn't.

"I'm not that guy, Jude." He broke away from her roughly, almost sending her sprawling at the loss of his body as an anchor. She just pressed on, following him into the kitchen. His back to her, she pressed a kiss between his shoulder blades, trying in some way to comfort him. He relaxed in her hold, gripping the counter tightly to keep from turning around.

"I'm your girl Tommy, always was, always will be." She whispered into his shoulder, hoping he could hear her muffled admission. She knew he'd take care of her like he always did, she knew he'd quell the pain even if he was the cause of it. She didn't really know what she was doing anymore. Sliding to his side, her fingers touching the side of his face, caressing his cheek forcing his eyes to hers.

"Your girl Tommy." She whispered, seeing the flicker in his eyes. He was breaking down, at her admission, the way she was giving herself to him freely. Without naivety or innocence, it was raw and mature, an acceptance of the truth.

She forced him to turn halfway, his arm instinctively wrapping around her waist, placing her between the counter and his body. He looked down at her, red hair gleaming slightly in the lamplight, eyes so clear he almost saw his reflection. She was begging him to love her, and he couldn't not give in. He nudged her cheek with his nose, warm breath against her ear; she shut her eyes, tilting her head towards his. When their lips met, it was slow, just a taste, before it got deeper. His arms encircled her waist fully, until she was flush against him, hands trailing along his neck. His brain was only slightly addled by the liquor. She was so young, too young to be his; she would never be just another notch on the bedpost. Tommy pulled away enough to let her breathe, the look in her eyes unreadable in the near dark.

"I love you Tommy, so much." Her throat nearly closed at the admission, fresh tears springing to her eyes and he watched her. His breath danced against her skin, warm gusts keeping time with hers.

"No you don't, girl." He tipped her head up with his finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. What he saw there was something completely new to him. It dared him to question her words, almost taunted him to prove her wrong, the strength in her eyes only belied by the way she gripped his arms to keep steady.

Tommy wanted to break away again, but instead his lips claimed hers, temptingly slow he ran his tongue along her bottom lip, gaining entrance. She moaned into his mouth, pressing herself against him, the feel of his thumbs caressing the skin of her hip, laid bare as her shirt rode up. He rested his forehead against hers, not able to stop his palm from cupping her cheek.

"Give me tonight Quincy?"

The rest was just a blur of lips and fingers, moans and screams. Erratic heartbeats and panting breaths Jude remembers the feel of him on top of her, the weight of him comforting in an odd way. She woke up before he did and left a note. This never happened. She hadn't seen him since. Disappearing into the abyss, while her songs started to make the run on the radio. The tabloids spent months trying to figure out her disappearance, everything from drug overdose to secret lover and in between. Jude was good at disappearing though, years of practice at school had trained her for that fateful morning. So she died her hair blonde and changed her name, not that hard to do, really. Especially in New York, where no one cared to know you from the thousands of other people that roamed the streets. She was still his girl though, even with a different name and hair colour, and that hurt more than anything.

"Momma?"

"Pumpkin what are you doing out of bed?" Jude watched her little girl come forward sleepily, rubbing her eyes. Ella just settled in her lap, curling into her like a contented cat.

"Where's daddy?" She looked up at Jude with big innocent blue eyes and it nearly killed her.

"You know daddy is a very important guy, that's why he can't visit. He loves his little munchkin though." The little girl yawned sleepily, and Jude pressed a kiss to her tousled black hair. Lifting her into her arms and taking her back to bed. She gently laid her down, and watched as Ella curled into a ball, sucking her thumb. She was the most beautiful thing in the world. With a heavy heart she picked up the frame on the nightstand. It was Ella's favourite picture, she loved to clutch it in her little fingers during story time staring in childish awe at Jude and Tommy. Back when her hair was still red and the two smiled at each other in abandon. There was always subtext but until her sixteenth birthday it didn't bubble up. Jude couldn't help but be jealous of herself, as odd as it sounded. At least that Jude had Tommy in her life, even if it was just friendship. God she missed him.

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