Disclaimer: I don't own House--its a disappointment when I wake up in the morning and realize I don't own House.

A/N - I have been inspired when I recently came across a gender-bender fic written by a talented authoress—whose name I shamefully cannot recall—and recalling the awesome bardvahalla's House/LoTR satire "Lord of the Pickles" (involving an emergency visit to the Free Clinic) AND recalling an episode from American Dad. The title is a play from one of the episodes this third season. No spoilers. Nope, nope, nope. Just a buttload of crack.

--

"It can't be!"

Cameron leaned back carefully on her stool, shaking her head in disbelief, before looking over the results of the urine tests for the third time—after running the urine sample the fourth time.

"Do them again."

"We've run the same tests FOUR times, House," Cameron said wearily. "The results are conclusive…"

"Run them again!" House yelled. "You owe me this, Cameron!"

Cameron sputtered, "Excuse me?!"

"Yes, you!" House hissed; he had just Wilson, who was passing by, had paused misstep and was looking at them with his uniquely Wilson-esque look of concern. "This all happened right after you seduced me…"

Cameron momentarily forgot about her righteous indignation to raise a slender eyebrow and parrot sardonically, "I seduced you?"

"Admitting it is the first step," House shot back without losing momentum on his righteous indignation. "Remember Occam's Razor? I haven't eaten anything that I shouldn't, we've already ruled out that my Vicodin habit didn't give me adverse effects, and thanks to my choosy nature, I don't have STDs. The only rule I broke is doing the hoochie-coochie with you MINUS Cyrano de Bergerac's magic glove! It all fits."

"It might, if not for the fact that YOU'RE the one who's pregnant!"

"WHAT?!"

Accompanying this outburst was the fluttering sound of paperwork falling to the floor and House and Cameron turning swiftly around to stare at the shocked newcomer.

Wilson stared at House and Cameron as though the two doctors were doing it doggie-style before his eyes. "I think something's wrong with my hearing, but did she just say that YOU'RE pregnant, House?"

"Noooo!" House drawled out. "Cameron and I are rehearsing our lines for Junior the Second. Cameron and I signed up as stunt doubles for Ah-nuld and Thompson."

Wilson didn't buy that; he spotted the laptop set in front of Cameron atop the lab table and headed straight for it. Before House could stop him, Wilson had seen what the machine had discovered, and his jaw dropped even lower.

"It says here—House, you ARE pregnant!" Wilson turned to his friend and looked him over with a critical eye. "Well, uh…"

Wilson placed a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it carefully.

"Don't say it…" House began to warn him.

But nothing was going to stop James Wilson. "Congratulations!" he said loudly. He then turned to Cameron, hugged her, and continued, "So, I take it the cigars are going to come from you now, huh?"

House snorted. "Oh, COME ON!"

Cameron giggled. "I did good, didn't I?"

Wilson grinned, and then the both of them turned to look at House, who suddenly looked nauseous. Alarmed, Cameron jumped off the stool and grabbed a wastebasket from under the lab table.

"If you're going to puke, do it here," Cameron said softly, leading House to the far corner of the lab. The older man took the basket away from her and hurled into it. Wilson took this opportunity to walk back towards the doorway of the lab to pick up his fallen papers, looking at both ends of the hallway to ascertain that Foreman, Chase, and in particular Cuddy were nowhere to be found. Satisfied that none of those people will be making their way to this part of the hospital (as far as he could tell), Wilson straightened up and closed
the lab door behind him. He positioned himself at the stool Cameron vacated as he waited for his friend's nausea to pass.

When House finally resurfaced, Cameron led him to the sink, where he gargled and splashed water over his face. He was drying off his face with a handkerchief when Wilson asked, "Are you going to keep the baby?"

House rolled his eyes. "I am NOT pregnant!"

Wilson snorted. "That's not what the urine and blood analyses say..."

"Inconclusive," House butted in. "Cameron gave me a severe case of the cooties…"

"I did not!" Cameron muttered. She crossed her arms over her chest and charged on, "And you have all the symptoms lately: you're restless, you have weird food cravings, you've become moody and irritable…"

Wilson couldn't resist cracking, "You mean to tell me House has been pregnant all this time?"

"Shut up, iron-toenails man," House gritted out.

Cameron continued, "...and I just saw you feeling up your breas—I mean pectorals." She started to giggle, which she tamped down when House sent her a malevolent glare. After calming down, Cameron finished up with a serious, "And we just tested your urine four times, and four times, it came back with no other result other than you're PREGNANT."

House breathed in deeply and released the air slowly through his teeth, making the hiss quite pronounced. "Those symptoms could fit any other diseases, Cameron, so don't plan any baby showers yet."

"There is another test that'll prove whether or not you're pregnant," Wilson said contemplatively. He checked his wristwatch and continued, "The technicians will be out for lunch by this time, but first House needs a lot to drink."

--

Eight liters of mineral water later, House was propped on top of an examining table in radiology with his fly open and his Black Sabbath t-shirt half-way up his torso. Cameron had prepped an ultrasound machine, rubbing a tube of ultrasound gel between slender hands to warm it up. Wilson took up the task of bribing a technician to keep an eye out and locking up behind them. He doubled up on the privacy when he arrived by turning the drapes around them, a task that made House snort in contempt.

"Did you remember to spray-paint the security cameras, too?" he asked flatly.

"No, I used some shoe polish," Wilson retorted.

House was about to add something, but jumped instead when Cameron squeezed a generous amount of gel over his stomach.

"Moment of truth," Cameron said, applying some gel on the business end of the ultrasound apparatus. "Lay back, House."

"Oh, joy," House said with a sigh, lying back on the hard mattress. "Just hurry it up; I don't know how much mini-me can hold it."

"Take it like a man, House," Cameron muttered. She moved the apparatus slowly up and over House's abdomen, pressing it here and there, completing the task with a grim expression on her delicate face. The grim look then melted to one of shock.

"Oh my—" Cameron whispered. She almost dropped the wand.

"What?" House said. The look on Cameron's face didn't bode well with him. "Turn the viewing screen around, Cameron. What did you find?"

Wilson moved fast, standing beside Cameron and joining her in her ogling. "Oh boy!"

House became mightily exasperated. "WHAT?! Is it a tumor, an abscess, a tapeworm, what?!"

Wilson looked at House, then at Cameron, then at the screen. "Well, you tell us," Wilson said, raising an arm to move the 17" monitor towards House.

House's jaw dropped. "No…"

"You got that right," Wilson breathed. "This is not right, House! You have two fetuses in you, and you've got separate placentas for each of them!"

House's eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you SHITTING me?!"

"Nope," Cameron replied softly. Then she turned serious, "You stole my eggs!"

"Yeah, I'm such a sucky weasel," House barked back. "How the hell am I supposed to steal YOUR eggs? You're supposed to be these guys' holding tank, not me! I'm not supposed to even HAVE a tank!"

"Well, take a good look, House, because you're an incubator now!" Cameron cried shrilly.

"Like hell I am!"

To Wilson and Cameron's horror, House started weeping.

"Hormones," Cameron and Wilson said in unison.

--

Somewhere…

This exercise is pointless. What are you trying to prove?

It is not pointless. In madness, there is always a method.

Really?

Really.

Hmph! I'll believe it when I see it.

Oh, you will. This is just phase one of my brilliant plan. Phase two will be coming along shortly.

Phase two--hmmm...I cannot be sure unless yea clicketh the comments button.