A/N: I'd have to say this is probably my best "How I Came Up With This Story" story ever. It begins with me, sitting on the couch, in a great deal of pain. Coincidentally, I had just taken some Vicodin for the pain (which was caused by some minor surgery), so my mind was on the "House" track. I was in the middle of a Gilmore Girls marathon (Because, seriously, that's the best cure for anything). I was halfway through the episode "Luke Can See Her Face" (Season 4), when it hit me. Wouldn't it be great if the infamous self-help tape from this episode could find it's way into House's hands?
You don't have to be a Gilmore Girls fan, or even really have seen the show to get this fanfic. It just makes it a little funnier if you have.
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Robert Chase woke with a start. He groaned sleepily and rolled over, trying to get back to sleep. Then something jabbed his back. Hard. He tried to ignore it, and buried his head in the pillow. The sharp jab came again. It felt suspiciously like a cane. House. Could this day get any worse?
Groaning, he rolled back over and glared at the man standing above him. House just grinned.
"Wake up, sunshine. Time to come back to work. Cuddy's getting worried. The patients are suffering from withdrawal." Chase groaned.
"Cuddy sent you all the way here to make me come to work?" Chase asked, a little incredulously.
"She's remarkably persistent. She said something about clinic hours, maybe the fact that I could give a few of mine away to you if I came over here..."
"Right."
"Plus Cameron was driving me crazy." Another groan issued from Chase's mouth. "Oh come on, now doctor." House was actually smiling, albeit evilly. "You're not going to let the fact that she doesn't want to sleep with you anymore get in the way of saving lives, are you? Daddy wouldn't be proud, Chasey."
"Shut up." Came Chase's exceptionally witty reply.
"Get up, get dressed, do us all a favor and get a shower. Be at the hospital in an hour and a half or Cuddy adds more clinic hours." House left the bedroom and shut the door. He was on his way out of the apartment when he saw a box hidden beneath a bunch of papers. What could Chase possibly be this embarrassed of? He wondered with a smirk.
House turned the box over and an audio tape fell out. LOVE: It's Easier Than You Think the title read. House had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. He pocketed the tape and left the apartment, grinning to himself as he climbed on his bike. This was going to be so much fun.
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Dr. Cameron had just about given up on the possibility of finding her boss anywhere when he walked into the diagnostics room. He grabbed the boom box she had brought in from home and disappeared into his office. He looked almost happy, she thought. If she hadn't known better, she would even have thought he was humming. He had to be up to something, she reasoned.
She made a snap decision and walked purposefully towards his office. Her brilliant plan was stopped in its tracks when she tried the door handle and found it locked. She glared at him through the window and he grinned back and stuck out his tongue. She sighed. It was just going to have to be Cuddy's problem now.
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House laughed as Cameron huffed away from his office. Embarrassing Chase was the real jackpot. Pissing off Cameron was just a bonus. As always. House plugged the boom box into the wall and put the tape in, making sure the volume couldn't be heard by anyone outside his office. His brilliant plan would backfire if someone heard the tape and thought it belonged to him. Finally, he pushed play and sat back in his chair.
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The tape was even better than House had expected. Not only was it complete bullshit, but it had all the stereotypical "Let's talk about feelings" crap as well. No wonder Chase had hidden it.
"Complete the sentence." The tape implored him. "I feel angry because..." House stifled a giggle. "I feel hopeful because..." The laughter escaped his throat. "I feel helpless when..." House finally lost control and started laughing hysterically. Even he couldn't have come up with something this good. He felt tears come to his eyes. He tried to regain control of his body, but it was impossible. He was laughing so hard he fell out of his seat.
"Ow." He complained, rubbing his leg and reaching for the Vicodin. He pulled himself slowly back into the chair, still snickering.
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By the end of the day, House had almost finished the tape. Cuddy had come by, but he had hidden under the desk and turned off the lights. When she finally left, he looked at the clock. 6: 30. He should go home and work on his evil master plan. Still smirking, he reached up to stop the tape when he heard something that made him stop.
"...I developed a test for him...and for you." The tape told him. House took his hand away from the stop button. This test was sure to be the icing on an already very sweet cake. He nearly cackled as he waited for it to start.
"Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens to you, a promotion at work, a successful re-financing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friends? Whose face?"
House stared at the tape player, a little in shock. The grin he had been wearing for most of the day had been wiped off his face. He popped another Vicodin out of habit.
"Whoa." He finally said.
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It looked like the rain would start any minute, as House pulled up to the apartment of Allison Cameron. Just what I need, he thought, to have this play out like some crappy chick movie. He hesitated at her door, but pushed the bell anyway. No turning back now.
"House?" She answered the door, a little surprised. "Why are you-." He cut her off.
"Just...don't say anything right now." She obeyed and he stared at her beautiful face for a minute. She swore she could see almost a flicker of fear in his eyes. What was he doing? She wondered.
"Cameron..." He began. "Oh, screw it!" Came the decision. She was surprised when he moved closer to her instead of towards the door. She was even more surprised when his mouth came crashing down to meet hers. She was surprised at how gentle he was, but most of all, she was surprised at how much she needed this. She kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck as his tightened around her waist. The world could stop right now. Cameron decided. They broke apart and she just grinned at him. He smiled back, his arms still around her waist.
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"I'm still going to taunt Chase." He informed her as he walked out of the bathroom later that night, his hair still dripping from the shower. She just laughed.
"I'd expect nothing less." He bent down and kissed her again, enjoying the feel of her soft lips against his. The kiss escalated quickly, but he broke it once more to whisper something in her ear.
"Cuddy's going to have a field day."