The Taxman cometh

Superman: Excuse me? I was filling out my 2006 tax return and noticed that I could claim for lost and used work clothes. Is this true?

Taxman: Indeed Mr. Kent, but you know, I doubt that you can claim for 358 suits. As we have your occupation as journalist, and I just can't see how you managed to loose so many sets of clothes during your 'every day' activity. I mean, it's not as though you're a superhero!

Superman: Um… and if I was to change my occupation to superhero?

Taxman: Then I'm afraid you can't claim for a home office, or mileage allowance.

Superman: Okay, I understand. But seeing as I need to change in order to save the world, then I should at least be able to claim suits. I mean, the last suit was Armani! That's one brand I won't be buying again in a hurry.

Taxman: Can you prove you bought the Armani suit? Or all the other suits for that matter? Or is this just a case of a careless drycleaner?

Superman: I have the receipts, the Armani I bought last week in Paris.

Taxman: Speaking of Paris… can you prove that you left the country? Airline stub, credit card receipt?

Superman: I paid cash but I have the receipt.

Taxman: So you can claim for the suits.

Superman: All of them?

Taman: Yes. Except for the one that you claim to have lost on top of the elevator of the Daily Planet during the Christmas party, several other people are also trying to write off those particular items.

Superman: If I can claim for my suits, then surely I can claim for my glasses.

Taxman: And precisely how many pairs of spectacles are we looking at?

Superman: 358.

Taxman: Surely Mr. Kent, could you not have just slipped them in to your pocket?

Superman: do you have any idea how much drag you get from a pair of specs at supersonic speeds?

Taxman: I would have expected about as much drag as you get from a cape, Mr. Kent.

Superman: Well, can I claim them? That disguise isn't cheap you know. It took me ages to perfect the look. Do you know how long I spent in front of the mirror?

Taxman: So, would you rather have them down as medical expenses, or a disguise? Because as a super hero, you can claim for the disguise, but as a journalist, you can claim for them as medical expenses.

Superman: Could I possibly claim for my cape as a business expense?

Taxman: You can claim for the cape if its below the knee, but not less than 5 inches above the boot line.

Superman: $#$!

Taxman: Sorry?

Superman: I meant, my cape touches the floor.

Taxman: I'm sorry. You can not claim it.

Superman: Okay. How 'bout, travelling expenses?

Taxman: Do we have to go through this again? Can you prove you left the county?

Superman: Um, well, no. I flew.

Taxman: A commercial airline? Or do you own a jet?

Superman: Well, in a manner of speaking, I have my own wings.

Taxman: Ah. You own your own plane then?

Superman: Um, not exactly…

Taxman: Look Mr. Kent. You either own a plane, or you don't. Do you own a plane?

Superman: No. not as such.

Taxman: And you have no receipts from your travels?

Superman: I have no pockets,and my credit card melted during my last flight, and even if it still worked, I can't find a decent store that takes Kryptonian Express.

Taxman: Okay. So, no travel expenses.

Superman: $#!

Taxman: Mr. Kent, there's no need to be like that.

Superman: Well, say I have this wonderful little summer cottage that I like to go to, from time to time, to wind down.

Taxman: And the location of this summer cottage would be…?

Superman: Um… the Arctic?

Taxman: Okay, that might qualify for a northern research grant allowance.

Superman: A what?

Taxman: A northern research grant allowance, if you occupy a cottage above 66º North, but, it has to be not greater than 2000 square feet.

Superman: $#$!

Taxman: Oh, come on Mr. Kent. Control your self! Your cottage cant be that big.

Superman: Um… how 'bout, say, 15000 square feet? I grew it myself, you know, if I had known there was a size limit, I'd have made it smaller.

Taxman: Okay, have you done any, uh, home improvements?

Superman: Home improvements?

Taxman: Yeah! You know… a spot of painting, any remodelling. Have you installed a new bathroom for instance?

Superman: Well, no.

Taxman: Okay, how many bathrooms do you have?

Superman: Um, well, why?

Taxman: In another life, I was a realtor. Some times, I get this irresistible urge to put someone's house on the market.

Superman: Uh…

Taxman: What kind of view does it have?

Superman: Its in the arctic. You'd be lucky if you saw a seal.

Taxman: Black or grey?

Superman: What does this have to do with my taxes?

Taxman: If it's a grey seal, it's an endangered species, and we can get an environmental northern research grant.

Superman: Not another one…

Taxman: I'm sorry? You already have an ENRG?

Superman: No. I mean, not another endangered species. I can't save all of them, you know!

Taxman: Mr. Kent, I just don't think you can claim for the cottage.

Superman: Well, it's more like an office and training center.

Taxman: Well, why didn't you say? That's a cost that we can subtract straight off your taxes! You can prove that you own this cottage, right? And you have receipts for all the training material?

Superman: $#$!

Taxman: Mr. Kent, you don't learn, do you? We go through this every year! You need to keep your receipts.

Superman: $#$!

Taxman: You can deduct a charity contribution. You did make some right?

Superman: well no. I only save the world! Every day!

Taxman: Do you have the receipt?

Superman: $#$!

Taxman: I'm sorry, but saving the world from certain annihilation only counts if it comes with a receipt.

Superman: Receipt, receipt, I don't have time to ask for receipts!

Taxman: Mr Kent, I don't think you really are entering in to the spirit of Tax-time. The idea isn't for you to actually get any money back, but to have the prospect of getting it back.

Superman: Oh. But not actual tax returns, is that it?

Taxman: Mr. Kent, don't make this harder for me, or I might just decide to tax you some more! Do you think I like being a tax man? I wanted to be a superhero! But who's ever heard of Taxman? Faster than a speeding calculator, more powerful than a Pentium 1, able to leap small filing cabinets in a single bound. But no, No. superman got the job. I'll tell you, if I knew who that guy was, I'd track him down and kick his caped, spandex-wearing behind!

Superman: Oh my! Would you just look at the time! Well, I must be off! Thanks for all the help!

Taxman: No problem.