I am a horrible, horrible person. I'm sorry for this chapter.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter Pettigrew skipped through the halls of the Malfoy mansion, humming a song he had written that morning. He called it "Lolita". Peter wasn't usually this happy. In fact, he was always groveling miserably at Voldemort's feet, obeying every command given to him. He did everything he could to earn his master's favor, desperate for even the slightest gesture of affection in return. Despite all his endeavors, though, Voldemort did not care for him. Peter had spent years pining for the Dark Lord's love, sacrificing everything (including his best friends and his right hand) for his malevolent master and got nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. But now Peter was happy; he had finally found true love.

Leila had arrived last week as Voldemort's partner-in-crime and greatest ally. At fifteen, she was the youngest and most powerful Death-Eater. She was the result of a steamy love affair between Fenrir Greyback and Mad-Eye Moody (don't ask). She was a half-werewolf, which meant that she loved raw meat and became very hairy during that time of the month. Except during that certain time, she was beautiful beyond all reason. Her hair was raven black and her eyes were stormy grey- no, actually, they were red. Or blue. No, definitely red. Anyway, she was drop-dead gorgeous. And she was in love with Peter Pettigrew.

She had made Peter a man. They had only known each other for a few days and were already engaged. They kept their affair secret, though, as Voldemort would be furious if he found out. He, too, was in love with Loli- er, Leila. In fact, all the male Death-Eaters were. This just made Peter happier (and just a little smug) because he had been the one out of all of them to win her affections.

Currently, Peter was on his way to meet his lover in a secret chamber that no one knew about (not even the Malfoys, despite the fact that it was their house). He arrived at the secret door to the secret room and said the secret password: "Love bunnies".

Inside, Leila posed on the king-sized bed. Her scanty outfit matched the fire-engine red bedspread as well as the carpet and the wallpaper. Peter drooled at the sight of her. Snapping his mouth shut and wiping the saliva from his chin, he scrambled onto the bed towards his lover. But just as he reached her, he heard a cough from the closet. Peter growled and flung open the closet door, revealing a cowering Draco Malfoy.

"Don't hurt him!" Leila shrieked, dramatically throwing herself between them.

"That bastard touched you!" Peter shouted furiously.

"Actually, I did more than touch her," Draco said helpfully. Peter tried to punch him, but Leila was in the way. "Besides," Draco continued, "shouldn't you be mad at Leila for cheating on you instead of hurting me? Really, I'm the victim here." Leila promptly slapped him.

Just then Voldemort burst into the room for no apparent reason. "What's going on here?" he demanded. Peter, Leila, and Draco all pointed at each other, trying to avert any blame.

Voldemort eyed them all suspiciously. After a moment he announced, "I tire of your ridiculous antics. Avada Kedavra." Peter fell down dead. Draco shared his fate a second later. Leila pulled out her wand (apparently she pulled it out of thin air, seeing as her outfit was too…well, nonexistent to hide anything in). "I challenge you to a duel!" she cried.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "As if any teenager could possibly be capable of killing me. Seriously, not even Harry Potter has managed it yet." Then he killed her. The End.