Elizabeth Christensen was that singular kind of Redwall fan, the sort that make parents quite nervous and therapists subsequently quite rich; the sort that makes any other life-form happening to cross her path decide that, contrary to popular belief, allowing adolescents to read is a very, very bad idea.

For Elizabeth Christensen wanted nothing more out of life than to wake up one morning and discover herself in the middle of Mossflower Wood, and another great Redwall adventure. But Elizabeth, who privately knew herself as Rayia Watersong, strong and beautiful ottermaid, had not the least idea that her wish was about to be granted...

Stus were rarely angry at their fellows, preferring instead to channel their hatred towards their enemies or the prejudiced, but nonetheless Riaksairhi Falconstrike was more than a little annoyed as he prowled back off through Mossflower. The tall, handsome stoat muttered dourly to himself, his striking orange eyes gleaming like twin flames in the sunlight as he stalked among the mighty trees, savagely mimicking Krialor Moonblaze's deep voice.

"'You call that sniveling brat a weapon? Those Abbeydwellers don't really know how to fight, now that I've turned their damned otters myself, it's those two Slayers we have to watch, and their kind would kill a babe like that and laugh! Go and find me something that will really send those arrogant dimension-leaping killers reeling, or 'twill be your fault that I cannot complete my revenge!' Terribly sorry, O Glorious Leader, now what wouldst thou like me to find? A mighty wolverine to aid our cause? A dragon? My powers can only stretch so far, Moonblaze, and if thou cannot get thy revenge properly I'd say 'tis thy own- The hell?!"

Out of nowhere a pale, hideous creature, hairless except for long chestnut headfur, fell twisting and shrieking through the air and crashed upon the ground, where with a soft moan of pain it immediately fell unconscious. As if Falconstrike was not confused enough, then the creature began to change.

The strange, flat face, the freakish, strangely clad body, so devoid of hair or even a tail, all shifted in an instant into proper animal form. Now it was a lean, beautiful ottermaid- though he presumed it had been female from the start- with a sleek brown pelt that shimmered with silver in the light and a slingshot and stone pouch at her waist. The clothes had shifted too, into an ocean-blue tunic with silver and green embroidered sleeves and hem.

All of a sudden the ottermaid stirred, and despite his initial horror Falconstrike knelt with concern at her side. She yawned, stretched, and sat up, as though awaking from a mere night's rest, then opened her eyes. Riaksairhi noticed with interest that the left was brilliant blue, and the right silver-green. She blinked, looked over to see him crouched next to her, and screamed so loudly and shrilly that several songbirds fell in rigor mortis from the trees. Then she paused, held up a paw in front of her muzzle, blinked again, looked down at herself, and screamed again, this time with glee, though the change in emotions didn't stop the fact that there were now no living birds within a ten-mile radius.

"IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE! I'M IN REDWALL!" she was howling, by the time the stoat had managed to stop his ears ringing enough to distinguish words being spoken. "THIS... IS... SO... FREAKING... AWESOME!!111!one! omgwait I hope I still have... YESSS!" She punched one paw in the air as she pulled something small and metallic pink out of her stone pouch with the other.

Falconstrike watched, utterly bemused, as she flipped open the top of the object, and did something that made it glow with light and emit loud, unnatural beeps as she poked feverishly at its surface. He next stumbled back in horror, for the strange ottermaid was grinning widely as she aimed it at him.

"Smile!" she said cheerily, then frowned as he scrambled backwards, his mighty sword drawn and pointing at her. "It's just a cameraphone, weasel, and I just, like, have to get photo proof of this! All my friends will be sorry for calling me crazy, I told them it really exis... OMG WEASEL!!" she shrieked, dropping the pink object as she scrabbled for her sling. "BEWARE, VERMIN," she screamed, "I AM RAYIA WATERSONG, AND YOU'LL... um... TASTE STONY... um... DEATH AT THE HANDS... er... paws, yeah, AT THE PAWS OF MY MIGHTY SLING!"

Despite her ridiculous monologue, the pink "cameraphone" thing, and the fact that she had been a disgusting hairless alien from the sky not five minutes before, the ottermaid had loaded, drawn back, and aimed the sling quite expertly at him. Falconstrike laid his sword down and extended both paws in a gesture of peace, his orange eyes glowing with the light of friendship. "I am not vermin, milady, and am I right in assuming that thou wouldst like guidance to Redwall Abbey? Come, bring thy... thy... camm-arrah-phonn?" he said, forming the last word with difficulty.

"OMG REDWALL YAAAAAY! Thanks soooooo much! Come on, let's go!" Rayia Watersong, formerly a human fifteen-year-old called Elizabeth Christensen by doting, if recently worried, parents, exclaimed, taking his paw and laughing with delight as they bounded off together. Rayia's head was spinning with the handsomeness and niceness of this peaceful stoat, whom she instinctively trusted, and who was taking her to Redwall!

Falconstrike, however, had his brilliant orange orbs fixed solely on the pink object clutched in her paw. He had a strange feeling that it would really come in handy.

Redwall Abbey was a scene of sparkling peace and happiness, of warm golden sunlight, of fluffy snow-white clouds in a cerulean sky, of apple trees ripe with lush scarlet fruit, of soft emerald grass, of shimmering azure waters wherein lay silver-scaled fish with rainbow fins, and sandstone walls that glowed with a million beautiful different shades of pink and red, like an entire garden of roses shining from deep within the stone, in the afternoon sun.

It was also covered in Sues, the air thick with their auras of happiness, beauty, and peace. Breathing it in was, at first, like directly inhaling cotton candy, but after prolonged exposure it was really quite nice, the Abbeydwellers thought. Only a few untainted creatures remained barricaded inside, and the Sues, until now, had showed no signs of storming the doors or ramparts. But Krialor and Syriah were marshaling them together, encouraging and flattering their skill, and the army, its ranks now swelled to almost twice their previous size, was swiftly preparing to battle once more.

Around the two weasels the lighting effects were curiously skewed; the sunlight shone with a different, more beautiful sort of brightness on Sryiah's silvery pelt and feline form, while Krialor was thrown into deep shadow, from where his silver mark and eyes shone like divine flame, his teeth bared in bloodlust, looking like some vengeful god of war.

Riaksairhi was a little impressed by this when he arrived, but proudly presented his find without too much trembling in awe. Krialor, his powers rising by the instant, immediately recognized the beautiful ottermaid for what she was, and his eyes lit up when he saw the cameraphone. "May I see this, milady?" he asked politely, bowing to her. Rayia blushed and handed it over, and the weasel's night-furred paws closed around it as he muttered under his breath. When he returned it with another bow, it was a brilliant, sparkling pink, like rosebuds glowing with dew in the early morning.

"Ooooh... sparkly..." the ottermaid whispered, turning it around in her paws so it caught the light.

"Now," Krialor said slowly and carefully to her, "Rayia Watersong- yes, I know your name, you have been chosen to do a great and wonderful thing for us. "

"But... you're vermin..." she said, confused, still captivated by the phone and her wondrous surroundings.

"Aye, but see how beautiful we have made the Abbey? My kind and I wish only peace and light for all. And you, Rayia, are destined to help us."

"I knew it! I'm part of a prophecy!" she squealed happily, making Sryiah flinch and Riaksairhi cover his ears in pain.

"Yes," Krialor said approvingly, "yes, you are. Now, you must get up to the ramparts. There are two creatures up there, a marten and ferret, who are of your age, but do not mistake them for friends, for they are the vermin. They wish to kill us all and destroy our masterpiece; both are foul, parasite-ridden creatures who thirst only for slaughter and base pleasures. Never has hell spawned such a pair of... Where did she go?! "

Riaksairhi pointed calmly up to the walltops. "She's already up there, my lord. I'm sure she'll find them any minute now."

"Is that little trollop really part of a prophecy?" Sryiah demanded, uncharacteristically tense with impatience, coiling her whip around and around one slender silvery paw.

Krialor smirked. "No, of course not. Humans are dazed and malleable in our world, particularly the young ones who know of us. I just know what motivates them. Now, get our army out of its battle formation and let me choose the two I need. Those idiotic Slayers won't be able to stand against us now!"

Rayia was not the only creature in possession of technology that day; up on the ramparts Kelaiah the ferret sat crouched upon the tarp he had laid out to avoid sitting on the Sue-tainted stone, hurriedly punching buttons on a sleek black cell phone.

He held it to one ear and waited for an answer; evidently one came, because in the next moment he hissed, "Adverk? ...I don't care if you're busy! You gotta help me! ...Yes, I can hear there's a fight going on! ...Look, there's an even bigger army of them here, inside Redwall's gates! We need reinforcements! ...No, all I have is a basic field pack and I didn't even plan on having a partner, which I now have and she's not even registered or indeed totally sane! ...Well, I was only here after one, I didn't plan on five hundred! ...No, I am not exaggerating! ...Okay, maybe I was a little, but can't you spare anyone? ...Two? Oh, yeah, two's a big help... Elites? Yeah, I guess that'll help, but I think you're still really... OH HE DID NOT!" Kelaiah snarled in fury, tearing the phone away and glaring at it. "He hung up on me!"

Arawolf, sitting on the tarp with her back to him, turned and glared. "Put that away! The Sues have really messed with your head, mate, anachronisms like that only make things worse!" She took another peep over the ramparts, groaned, and slapped a paw across her face. "Great Cthulhu," she muttered, "we're doomed... what the hell did I get myself into?"

An annoyingly happy squeal distracted her from further angsting. "OMG! You have a phone too! ...But wait, the nice black weasel said you were vermin, and I have to take your pictures, I guess... Smile!"

As both Sue-Slayers looked up in confusion, the ottermaid standing before them held up a sparkling pink cameraphone and pressed the button.

A brilliant ray of light shot out of the tiny lens, bathing ferret and marten in its glow. Their eyes became glazed and unfocused as the light swept down their bodies, drool trickling slowly from their slack jaws. Then it shut off, and with a cheery thanks Rayia Watersong skipped merrily off once more, her foes vanquished.

Unbeknownst to Rayia, Ara, or Kelaiah, the phone was no longer merely a phone. It still functioned as such (though the service around Mossflower was frankly terrible), but Krialor had given it an added ability: When the camera was used, it not only took a picture; it scanned the subjects' brains, drawing information from every neuron they possessed to discover their weaknesses. Such is Sueified technology.

The coma, of sorts, quickly wore off, and the partners soon returned to their senses. Arawolf immediately leapt up, roared, "We've waited long enough! Death has come, Sues! C'mon, let's kill us some perversions of nature! Muahahahahaaaaaa!" Laughing maniacally, she drew her scimitar and bounded off down the stairs. Kelaiah groaned despairingly, knowing somehow that she was playing right into the Sues' paws, but he hurried off after her nonetheless.

Ara arrived on the Abbey grounds, with Kel close behind, to discover an extremely bizarre, and somewhat horrifying, sight: Every last Sue and Stu was part of a vast circle, sitting on the lawn with linked paws, smiling and swaying happily together. The nearest to the duo, a mousemaid with blue-gold eyes and sleek creamy fur, looked up and smiled at them. "You're just in time!" she said, her pearly teeth sparkling, her voice like the most beautiful music. "There's somebeast here waiting for you..."

The circle parted, and Ara was drawn inward as it closed again around her. A tall figure stepped forward from the opposite end and walked towards her. Kelaiah couldn't suppress a soft cry of horror as it became clearer; even having barely met his partner, he knew they had Arawolf well and truly ensnared.

He was a marten as well, though adult and male, with darker fur and a purely devilish goatee, dressed all in elegant black. Ara gasped as he smiled at her, beckoning her forward.

Kelaiah gave a roar of fury and bounded into the circle, intent on killing the Stu, who now had one paw drawn around the shoulders of a perfectly willing Ara; his partner had a terrifying look of pure ecstasy on her features as the surrounding Sues applauded. Then a voice, the most beautiful and alluring he'd ever heard, sounded near him.

Kel turned, blinking as stupidly as Ara had, to see the ferret femme standing before him. She was stunning, with the figure of a goddess, with a creamy pelt, long golden headfur with the slightest hint of a wave to it, her brilliant blue-gray eyes glimmering like the ocean from the midnight-black fur of her mask.

She spoke again, and it was only this time that he understood the words that fell from those wondrous lips. "Your friend won't come to any harm. Relax, brave one, I've been waiting so long..."

As he drew her into his arms, as she sighed and reached up to him, almost winding herself around him like a snake as their lips met, as farther off across the grass Arawolf found herself in a similar situation (though to say the least, neither Sue-slayer was complaining), at that exact moment Adverk's reinforcements, two of the feared Elite themselves, burst through the gates and began wreaking instant mayhem upon the scene.

A/N: Yes, I have finally updated this! I appreciate the total lack of pitchfork-and-torch-bearing mobs screaming for my blood. Thanks.

Oh, and just so no one's confused, the special Stu and Sue that are now totally... um... destroying... our brave protagonists are Redwallized versions of their human selves' fan-objects (a.k.a. those certain someones who make Ara melt into a puddle of glee and Kel start drooling uncontrollably). The marten is based none-too-loosely upon Voltaire (not the philosopher, the singer- Ara strongly suggests that you look him up if you enjoy dark humor) and the ferret closely approximates Keira Knightley (yes, of Pirates fame).

So yes, problems are ahead, and yes, all submitted characters will be appearing next chapter. But no, there will be no further fangirl-/fanboy-ism. So relax.

Hope you all remember Adverk, anyways, until recently a flamer who abandoned abuse in favor of helping Suethors improve- he seems to have vanished from our lovely fandom, and it was Kelaiah's idea, a long while back, to make him leader of the Sue-slayers of our fic.

And a brief disclaimer, only so no one gets confused: I am in no way affiliated with storiewriter's awesome fic Surviving the Sues; that is the brainchild of her and her friend. Arawolf did appear in her Valentine's Day special (which you all ought to go read, 'tis very funny), but she was loaned with permission (and promises of sharp objects and chocolate). Two separate universes, two separate Sue-slaying organizations. Just wanted to make that clear.