I
Insanity.

I think I have gone temporarily insane…

No, scratch that, I have gone insane completely.

One has to be insane to agree to go through a three day dating boot-camp run by the Weasley twins… There's just no other way to describe such idiocy.

Of course, it's not complete idiocy, I suppose, if it helps me win over Katie… who am I kidding!? Not even Katie Bell, girl of my dreams is worth this. Is she?

I can't quite justify it to myself, but I suppose I'll just go back to the beginning, where the Weasleys interrupted my usual morning ritual of two pieces of buttered toast with blackberry jam whilst reading the Sports section of the Daily Prophet with Katie, and try to see if I can maybe see why in Merlin's name I decided suicide was my way to go…

'I cannot believe Puddlemere lost to the Arrows!' Katie exclaimed as we sat together on the bench, poring over the only part of the newspaper we ever read, 'I mean, Puddlemere are the best damn team in the league and they lose to the Arrows!? Dammit!'

I'm so proud I could cry.
Some would say I've had a bad influence over this girl, but I don't think so, do you?
There's nothing wrong with a healthy obsession with a quidditch team, after all.

I grinned as she continued to wave the newspaper in Angelina's face, whose expression clearly expressed some desire to kick me where it really hurts. Taking a bite of my buttery, jammy toast, I took a gulp of coffee and sat and watched as Alicia tried in vain to impart some kind of influence on my best friend.

'Look Katie, I love quidditch as much as the next person.. but Merlin girl, there's such a thing as loving something too much, and with the exception of Oliver, you've got the worst case of Obsessive Quidditch Disorder I've ever seen… nearly incurable.'

I raised an eyebrow as she said this.
'Are you saying it's a disorder that can be cured? Well then, why didn't you lot take to trying to cure me of it earlier, or do you really like dawn practices that much?'

'Oliver, you're the smarmy little parasite that invented the Goddamn condition,' Angelina informed me briskly, in true Angelina-style, 'thus, you were long ago deemed incurable.'

Ouch.
Y'know, before I met her and put her on the team and all that, I used to think that Ange was just some sweet kid who got good grades and flew really well… shows you just how much attention I pay to people I don't know, doesn't it?

'Amen.' said Alicia serenely, taking a good look at Katie before shaking her head sadly, 'I think the parasite's spent too much time with the victim for it to be curable.'

'Stop calling me a parasite!' I yelled irritably – being called a parasite does hurt your feelings, even if you are as strong and emotionally stable as I am.

For some reason Katie just snorted… either she just thought of something funny or I –

'Oliver, you really need to stop saying your thoughts out loud.' She whispers in my ear, as Angelina and Alicia suddenly emit two girly squeals.

I know what those squeals mean… every half-witted teenage boy know what those squeals mean… argh! Escape!

Completely forgetting about the fact that I had once again spoken my thoughts out loud, (a very pressing problem, though it was) I allowed myself to be dragged from the breakfast bench by Fred and George, who, like I had, had realised that those squeals spelled an entire conversation revolving around boys they thought were good-looking – ie. not us – and were making their retreat as fast as humanly possible, kindly remembering to take me along with them.

'Oh My Gosh, Ange that is a brilliant idea!' Alicia exclaimed, with a toss of her hands excitably.

'Quick. Must Escape.' grunted George as he and Fred proceeded to yank me up off the floor.

'Hell yes!' Angelina agreed somewhat modestly, 'Katie needs to start dating properly, and then she'll get her mind off Quidditch for a while.'

Upon hearing this I dug my heels into the ground with the loud screech of rubber school shoes on marble. Toppling forward at the large application of pressure, the twins cursed simultaneously.

'What gives el Capitan?' Fred asked with a groan as he and his twin got to their feet.

'They're trying to set Kates up with someone.' I replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, which, to me, it was.

'So? They've done that sort of thing for every girl in the Gryffindor tower… they pride themselves on matchmaking… didn't you hear them screaming when they heard their plans for Ginny and that Dean Thomas guy actually worked?' George said with one raised ginger eyebrow.

'Uh, no?' I answered absently as I walked back over to the table and sat down.

'Are you lost Oliver?' Angelina enquired as I plonked myself down next to Katie.

'Nope, just curious.'

'You're curious about something other than Quidditch?' Alicia questioned slowly, as if she couldn't believe her ears.

'Yes.'

'Oliver they want to set me up with Davies!' Katie whined, grabbing my arm and pulling it into a hug, 'Tell them he's no good for me.'

'What!? Davies!? Are you two out of your freaking minds!?' I yelped, startling Katie so much she let go of my arm.

'He's nice, and he's cute. Well off... has shown interest in our little Katie-Kat before, and just broke up with his latest girlfriend.' Angelina said with a shrug, 'So what's wrong with Davies?'

When I thought about it, there wasn't much wrong with him actually… besides the fact that he captained the Ravenclaw team. And for all my friendly hostility, I actually didn't mind an odd chat with the guy. So, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out just exactly what was bothering me so much.

'Not Davies!' Katie continued to whine, 'Remember that time we went to Hogsmeade together and I threw up on his new shoes? No matter how many times I told him white chocolate makes me sick, he insisted on my trying his cake… and I took the tiniest bite just to shut him up. And then hurled everywhere.'

'Katie, he's over that honey.' Alicia said gently, with a questionably sweet smile, 'and besides, there are hardly any acceptable single guys around here.'

At this point, for a reason unbeknownst to myself and everyone else around me, I felt the need to correct her. 'I'm single!'

The look Angelina flashed me after that one slipped was quite skilful… it was like a cross between "Oh look, a slug" and "Go back to whatever planet it is you came from". It was lovely, I tell you.

'So, I suppose there's Fred or George… but. Um, well, you know. Not exactly an um, favourable idea.' Alicia had just ignored me completely and opted instead for trying to talk Katie out of dating the objects of both her and Angelina's affections.

'There's nothing wrong with us!' Fred retorted indignantly, as George nodded furiously beside him, 'Any girl'd be bloody lucky to date us, thank you very much!'

Angelina bristled in embarrassment.
'You have no idea what we're talking about boy, so shut your face.'

And that, you know, was a lovely way to try to cover up the fact that she spends every waking minute resisting the urge to jump his Weasley bones. But hey, who says I'm always right? Perhaps in girl talk that means "I want you to take me here and now"? Oops. Sorry. Too many sexual innuendos. Being a seventeen year old boy sometimes makes me get carried away…

'And then of course we could always ask Seamus Finnigan if he fancies a date with you… but he is a year or so younger.' Alicia plundered bravely on, trying desperately to disguise the fact her face was glowing like a Dr. Filibuster's Firework.

'I am not dating a younger boy!' Katie spluttered, 'Eurgh! Meeeeeeeerrrliinnn.. I am sick of this. Can't I just be a Quidditch geek with Oliver and be left well enough alone?'

Sometimes I swear she makes me so proud I find it hard to keep a tear from my eye.

'Well, I'm out… I just cannot think of anybody else.' Alicia sighed; resting her head on one propped up hand.

'Well, there is always Oliver.' Fred offered, apparently over his vendetta against the girls.

At this I yelped again.
Besides the fact that she's my best friend and her brother would kill me if we ever dated, the idea of dating Kates – my Kates – did I just think "my Kates"? Oh Merlin's spotted socks… Anyway… the idea of dating Kates sent my stomach into acrobatics a Chinese contortionist would be proud of.

'But she spends every waking minute with him! He's the reason we need someone to date her in the first place!' Angelina exclaimed in frustration.

'Ah, but he'll be prime dating material once he's finished going through "The Weasley's Three Day Dating Boot Camp".' Fred replied with a grin I didn't much care for.

'You do of course, still realise I am sitting here with you, don't you?' Katie asked with a wrinkle of her nose – the kind of wrinkle that she only ever has if she's annoyed.

Don't ask me how I know that, I just do.
After all, I have known her the whole sixteen years she's been around.

Flicking a worried gaze from the twins to Angelina and Alicia, I realised that there was no escaping it… whether I liked it or not, because of my little outburst earlier, I was going to be put through a boot camp and sent off on a date with my best-friend, who apparently had some habits that needed to be kicked, even though I was the person that had bestowed them upon her in the first place. Oh, it was confusing, but I got the feeling that confusion was going to be the last thing on my mind once the twins had finished with me.

'Okay boys, you've got a deal.' Angelina agreed, making Katie groan with horror and let her head fall to the table with a smack.

I was quite insulted by this – did that mean she was horrified at having to have to go on a date with me? Panicking that I was been judged less than date-able material, I quickly leapt to my feet and demanded that the twins begin working their magic immediately.

Which, if you think about it, should've been my warning sign… the warning sign that I was willing to do anything just to get Katie to love me.

And that, I'm afraid, is what is going to be the cause of my untimely death… loving my best friend so much that jumping her bones doesn't even cross through my mind (most days).

Suicide by Weasley dating boot-camp?
Nothing compared to watching Katie end up with Roger-freaking-Davies, the white chocolate criminal.

Or at least I thought.

So, this idea popped into my head a few months ago, and i wrote this.. and then forgot about it. haha. so i was bored and sifting through my folders upon folders of FFn material and found this... and well, i like it, so i'm going to continue with it..

what you think of it?

Ash xx