GRAVITY | Chapter 16: "Heartbreaking, Really"

Given I ran out of the dining room like a spooked horse, I expected everyone to stare at me when I returned. I slinked through the door and slid onto my cushion at the table without a word—but when I peered up through my bangs, everyone very pointedly ignored me.

…huh.

Well. That was different.

Yusuke and Kuwabara talked too loudly in the corner, though, laughing with overstated glee at some joke I hadn't heard. Yusuke's eyes flickered my way for just a second when he saw me looking, but then they darted guiltily back to Kuwabara before I could say a word. He resumed laughed, even louder this time, covering nerves with the fakest humor I'd ever seen on a human face. Kurama, meanwhile, spoke very pointedly to Genkai, and Botan leaned across the table toward him, paying rapt attention to every word.

And then she snuck a sidelong glance at me.

Looked away again just as quickly.

Ah.

Right.

They were doing this on purpose.

Too bad they were such terrible actors.

As Yukina settled onto the cushion at my side, offering me the warmest of her smiles, I cleared my throat. All eyes on the room alit on me at once—proof they'd been looking away on purpose, hyperaware that I'd come back into the room despite their forced distraction.

"Sorry, everyone," I said, face aimed at my plate of probably cold food. "Just got a little overwhelmed. Won't happen again, promise."

And with that, I picked up my chopsticks and started to eat. Food was cold, as expected.

"W-well—I for one don't blame you, Miranda," said Botan.

I looked up with chopsticks midway to my mouth. She had angled her body toward me, earnest pink eyes blazing bright and steady in her pretty face.

"Meeting all these new people and learning so much about the Worlds in one day—I'd react the exactly the same way." She looked very, very pointedly around the room, meeting everyone's eyes with obvious expectation. "We all would, wouldn't we?" A barely contained glare. "Right, everyone?""

At once, most everyone in the room nodded so hard their heads threatened to pop off (only Genkai and Kurama managed to remain a sense of decorum). Various platitudes and reassurances reverberated through the small room, but I barely heard them—not even the lilting cadence of Jin's brogue.

They'd talked about me while I was gone, obviously.

And while a large part of me felt infinitely embarrassed about that…it was sort of comforting, too, that they'd planned what to say when I got back.

"Yeah, well." I tapped my chopsticks on the table to align the tips. "Thanks for the support, I guess." A tentative glance up, a sweep over the table with my hesitant eyes. "I take all of you have known each other for a while?"

Down at the far end of the table, Kuwabara lit up—probably happy at a distraction from the Terminal Awkward I'd induced. He summoned a grin and declared, "That's right!"

Yusuke, beside him, smirked. "We've been through hell and back together, that's for sure."

"Yeah, friends for life!" But then Kuwabara shot a glance at the dining room door, like it might open again or something. "Even that grump Hiei, though he'd never admit it."

As the room returned to relaxed chatter, I tucked back into my meal, watching the boys joke around and listening to their familiar conversations with half an ear. I'd never confess it aloud (you'd have to drag it out of me with a herd of horses) but…I was almost envious of them, of the smiles and laughs and roughhousing, that sense of ease and intimacy you only observed in clouds of closest friends. Every familiar brush of hand, every grin and giggle, glowed with it, as impossible to miss as the bright red shock of Jin's hair.

The other thing I'd never admit was that watching these people made me miss Jackie something awful.

But I was still mad at her, and as I stabbed my chopsticks into my food, I resolved not to think about her—about her, or how mad I was, or whether or not I'd hear from her again anytime soon. Would I ever hear from her again? Because she'd been hiding things from me for…what, years? Keeping secrets from the person she'd said was her best friend? And what kind of treacherous, traitorous bitch would—

Botan flinched as I stabbed a bite of fish with particular hostility, making it disintegrate on my plate. "Are you all right?" she asked.

"Peachy," I grunted.

So much for not thinking about Jackie.

Dinner ended in due time, which was actually sort of a relief, because I just sat at the end of the table by myself and didn't really talk to anyone, which was awkward as heck. I sighed with relief when everyone stood up—though my smile faded when Jin and Yusuke walked out of the room together, too deep in chatter to pay me any attention.

Once more, Jin had forgotten I existed.

Great.

Luckily my one other almost-friend was more considerate of the fact that I knew nobody and felt awkward as a cat at the Westminster Dog Show. Yukina gave me yet another of her warm smiles as she reached for plates and glasses, stacking them up on her arm in an expert (but teetering) pile.

"Need help cleaning up?" I asked.

"That would be lovely," she said.

Washing dishes wasn't my favorite household activity, but at least it would give me something to do. Mimicking Yukina, I stacked plates and cups atop my arms and followed her out of the dining room—then down a hall, around a corner, and through a sliding door to the outside. We didn't stop there, however, walking around a corner of the temple, through another door, back outside through yet-a-fucking-nother door…you get the picture. By the time we exited a heavy wooden door, walked around a few different exterior corners, and stepped into a flagstone yard ringed by bamboo and manicured sand beds, I got the sense Genkai's temple was more of a maze than a religious center, built with a labyrinth in mind, or maybe a mandala (that'd certainly bring us right back around to religious themes, right?). I had no idea where the little stone courtyard was in relation to the rest of the temple, though Yukina had guided us there with sure steps. Girl certainly spent some time here, hadn't she?

The yard was mostly bare, save for a long stone basin and an old-fashioned water pump in the yard's center. Yukina minced over to it atop her little wooden sandals and knelt primly by the basin, setting down her load of plates before hefting back the sleeves of her kimono. She folded them with expert twists of the wrist, seemingly accustomed to working in her heavy garment.

Interesting. Did all demons have antique fashion senses like this, or was that a Yukina-ism?

Joining her, I put down my plates with a clatter and gestured at the pump. "Wow. Retro."

She nodded, reaching for the pump handle. "There is a modern kitchen indoors, but I'd like to enjoy the warm weather, if you don't mind."

"…oh. Right." It was her last night in…Ningenkai? Human World. Her last night in Human World. Definitely the night to give the ice demon what she wanted. "Um. Sure." Looking at her small, pale hands and the large water pump, I asked, "Can I help with that?"

Her huge crimson eyes softened with relief, but just as she opened her mouth to accept assistance, footsteps sounded around the temple's nearest corner. Kuwabara bounded around said corner with all the agility of a ballerina, which was honestly sort of alarming given just how frickin' big the guy was.

"Yukina, my love!" he said, basically dancing over on his toes. He pointed at the pump as if it was a snake about to bite the girl he very, very clearly had a crush on. "Let me do that! Your hands are so pretty and smooth, it would be a crime for them to blister with such work!"

"Oh." She looked down at her hands, mystified, but her smile remained as warm as ever (if not a little confused). "Well, I suppose—?"

Kuwabara's beaming smile could've melted even a glacier. He ran to the pump and grabbed it, levering it up and down with a show of exuberant muscles, hands moving so fast I barely saw them. Yukina laughed as a gush of water burst from the faucet and splashed into the basin below, but I'd crouched a bit too close and the cold liquid sloshed over the toes of my shoes.

"Whoa there, big guy," I said, but at Kuwabara's shocked expression I couldn't help but grin. I pointed at the water spiraling down the drain. "Talk about a deluge."

"Oh, sorry!" His hands slowed. "Better?"

"Much."

We commenced washing, with Kuwabara's eager help speeding along the work (although we had to snatch a few more breakable plates out of his massive paws, but hey, can't blame the guy for trying). He kept up a steady stream of chatter the whole while, gamely trying to include me in conversation, but unable to keep his eyes off the demure Yukina. My earlier suspicion that he had a crush on Yukina solidified like a clay brick in an oven. The boy had it bad, by the looks of it, not at all perturbed when Yukina only smiled politely at his jokes. I got the feeling she didn't understand some of them—and in fact, I wondered if she really understood what he was saying at all. It's not like she fawned over him in return. Sometimes he'd let slip a pet name, blushing, and she'd just blink at him like a sweet, docile doe and nod her head without agreeing. Cultural gape between humans and demons, maybe? Was that even a thing?

One thing was for sure, at least. Yukina was leaving for Demon World the next day, and Kuwabara was destined to have his poor, sweet heart broken into bits the moment she went home.

It was heartbreaking, really. I kept my head down, focusing diligently on the dishes, listening to the cicadas sing in the trees and the warm spring wind as it tousled my hair. The feeling of the breeze reminded me of flight, of the stomach-dropping, pulse-pounding ride Jin had taken me on before dinner. It had felt…like bubbles in the blood, almost, adrenaline and freedom and excitement as intoxicating as liqueur.

This night hadn't gone as planned, to put it mildly. But if training with Jin could get me to fly like that, give me a way to recapture the freedom when I was otherwise so trapped—well. Things were looking up, weren't they?

Well, they'd be looking up so long as my own damn power (still had trouble articulating that thought, admittedly) cooperated with me. But after that golden voice had talked to me, had lashed out at the others, had acted against my own damn will…

Would I even be able to control my power?

Was such a thing even possible?

Would I ever learn to fly at all?

I came back to the present when the wind whipped by a little stronger, throwing a spray of cold water over my shins and toes. Kuwabara's voice swam back into focus; I snuck a glance at Yukina, who nodded with demure detachment as Kuwabara spoke about…a winter festival, by the sound of it. I'd missed some details when I zoned out. The big guy hesitated, scratching the back of his wide neck with unsteady fingers.

"Yukina," he said, swallowing. "I know you're going back to the ice world tomorrow. But…do you think you could come visit sometime?" It broke my heart to see his blocky features turn wistful, a hectic blush staining his chiseled cheeks. "I could take you to that festival. You'd like it." He added almost as an afterthought, "I promise you would."

Yukina looked up at him at that, crimson eyes darkening with regret. "Kazuma…"

The utterance of his name said a lot. Like, a lot-a lot. And because I was the third goddam wheel on this bicycle of tragedy and heartbreak, I stood up and wiped my hands off on my pants (or rather, the athletic shorts Yukina had given men, which belonged to I didn't even know whom). The pair glanced at me as I backed away, hands raised in a please-don't-mind-me gesture. It was time to beat a retreat, stat.

"I, uh," I said. "I think—soap! We need more soap." I turned and jogged way. "Be back in a jiff!"

Yukina said, "Miranda!"

But I booked it for the edge of the yard and hooked around the corner of the temple before they could tell me not to go. The plan had been to go just out of sight, wait for them to have their moment, and return when they finished what was surely about to turn into quite the heart-to-heart—but Kuwabara started talking when I turned the corner, and I could hear every word, so I sighed and kept jogging forward. Best give them privacy, because honey, Yukina was probably about to burst Romeo's bubble and that was sad as hell, and I didn't want to hear a word of it.

When their voices faded into the dim of distance (which took more walking and corner-ducking than I'd prefer) I stopped walking and took a deep breath—a breath that caught in my throat.

…where the hell was I?

I hadn't meant to walk so far. Just around the corner, maybe around two corners, but here I stood along a broad expanse of red-painted temple wall, doorless and windowless and dark. No lights back here, no sir, stars in the black sky burning like watching eyes. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. A few feet away stood a rickety wooden fence that followed the length of the wall, keeping a forest of dark, undulating trees at bay.

Allow me to repeat: Where was I, exactly? And how the hell was I supposed to get back?

I retraced my steps as best I was able, around a corner and then another, but I found myself standing in a sort of nook where two wings of the temple converged—a forgotten back corner where weeds grew at the bases of the walls, scratching at my bare calves like grasping hands.

A bit like an alley, isolated and dim.

The thought put icewater in my chest.

Where was a fucking door when I needed one?

An owl hooted in the nearby woods, mournful and hollow. My pulse quickened on reflex, nerves picking up my heartrate and coaxing it into a steady dash. Another wind stripped past, but despite the springtime warmth it sent a shiver up my back. My chest shuddered when I tried to breathe deep, sense of rising panic tightening my muscles.

"What was it my therapist said?" I whispered to myself—more to hear the comfort of a human voice than anything. I knew full well what my therapist had said: Breathe in through the nose, breathe out through the mouth, count backwards from one hundred. I did as he'd taught me but lost count somewhere in the upper 80s. Get to it, Miranda, fuck.

"No one's going to hurt you, stupid," I muttered to myself, but my voice shook. I turned around another corner, yet another fucking corner, but found myself face to face with another scenic view of the dark and creepy forest. Cursing when another stupid owl hooted, I reminded myself, "You idiot, no one's gonna—"

A hand landed heavily on my shoulder—and suddenly I wasn't in the mountains at a Buddhist temple.

Like a scrim descending over stage, the temple disappeared, and I was in that alley again. I was in the alley dressed in my school uniform, gloved hand digging into my neck, ski mask bearing down like the haggard face of death.

I didn't scream—not the way I'd screamed in that alley, anyway.

I wasn't that girl anymore.

Instead I grabbed the hand on my shoulder, threw my weight forward, and slammed the person to whom the ground belonged over my body and onto the hard ground. He went down with an oomph, terrified fever-vision of the alley vanishing when I saw his shock of bleached hair and the familiar cut of his blocky features.

"Oh my god—Kuwabara!" My voice wavered like a badly tuned violin. "I'm so sorry!"

"Jeez, jumpy, much?" He sat up and twisted to look at me, rubbing the back of his head—and to my surprise he didn't even look winded, or shocked, the way you'd expect a person to look when you caught them in an unexpected judo throw. He eyed me with nothing direr than grudging suspicion when he said, "Though I admit that move was pretty impressive for a shrimp like you."

"Wh-what are you doing here?" I stammered.

"Looking for you, of course. Yukina knew you'd get lost and sent me after you." He clambered to his feet and extended a hand in my direction. "Come on, we should go back and—"

"Don't you fucking touch me."

He recoiled from me even as I recoiled from him, hand snatching backward like I'd taken a snap at his fingers. Breathing hard, trying to ignore the acrid tang of adrenaline coloring every breath, I tucked my hair behind my ears and shook my head.

"I'm—I'm sorry," I said. "I just, I don't like it when people sneak up on me like that, and I—sorry." A shuddered inhale, as unsteady as my speech. "Kuwabara, I'm sorry."

"It's…it's OK." His body rocked like he wanted to step toward me, but at the last second he held still. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Sorry." Swallowing, I tried to paste on a happy face, but I fear my smile only looked deranged. "Let's just go back, OK?"

"O-OK? Um." He waved behind me. "It's that way. Follow me, I guess?"

I did as he asked, trailing behind his broad back with face downcast, jumping (dammit!) when that damned owl hooted a third time. Not for the first time that night I wished for Jackie, for a warm shoulder to cry on about the hellacious mess I'd gotten myself into. Hell, at that point I'd even settle for my therapist, cold though he was. But I had neither of them just then, so I pushed the thoughts down deep and locked them away.

And besides. Sleep was a great therapist, and just then, I'd never felt more tired in my life.

Kuwabara led me from the labyrinth and back into the temple, but I could hardly keep my head up, let alone memorize our route. My feet dragged across flagstones, wood flooring, and dirt ground with sullen, heavy drags. I didn't even try to keep track of our twists and turns, merely grateful that he took us directly indoors and into a hallway I recognized. We were near the dining, I thought—but just as the idea registered, and just as I spotted the dining room's wide door, someone opened said door and stepped into view.

It was…fuck, what was his name? The dude with the tattooed face and crappy attitude. Prince of the underworld, right? Oh, Koenma, that was his name.

"Miranda." He said my name in a voice as stony as his expression—but when he took a good look at me, his expression cracked like slate under a hammer. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I said, glaring at him from under my bangs with eyes that stung. "What do you want?"

Koenma huffed. "You don't have to sound so annoyed. I just wanted to tell you that your things will be arriving in the morning, and your absence from school has been taken care of…though you will have to do homework to keep up."

"Great." My eyes sagged against my will. "Can I go to bed now?"

He blinked, surprised. "You don't have any questions for me?"

I glared at him, took a deep breath, and intoned in one gigantic rush: "I'm psychic. Half the people here are demons. Jin's a demon and he's going to train me so I don't die. My best friend is working for you in some capacity and I can't be around people in case that golden…I mean, in case my energy hurts them." It was still tough to internalize that hateful golden light that had spoken to me as my own damn energy, but I didn't have the energy to think on that further. Trying not to let my heavy eyes fall shut, I said, "What did I miss?"

"Not much, admittedly," Koenma grumbled.

"Good. Fine. Great." My kneed almost gave out, but I put a hand to the wall to steady myself. "I need to go to bed. Where do I sleep?"

Yukina appeared at my elbow like a ghost, but I didn't have the energy to flinch. "I'll show you," she murmured. "Follow me."

"Thanks," I said—and because I'd fucking had it with my day, and because I just plain didn't want to be conscious anymore, I followed after the ice demon without another word.

AUTHOR TIME

Btw, guys, I made a tumblr! Username is "VirMazel." Hit me up; I'm lonely. Lol.

Back when I wrote this as a 16 year old, I added a throwaway line about Miranda nearly getting kidnapped…and basically never mentioned it again? Which, um, NO? So now I'm making sure she's got some PTSD triggers that'll eventually get explored more fully, because one does not nearly get kidnapped and just brush it off.

Thinking of updating twice monthly, around the 1st and 15th of each month. Thoughts? These chapters are short so I think I could manage more than once a month.

Many thanks to those who reviewed last time: roseeyes and two guests, one of whom very rightly pointed out that this fic used to suck, but I SUPER edited the first dozen chapters this month and agree that it reads a lot better now. Thanks for giving this story a second chance and noticing all the edits! Was afraid no one would give this fic another shot, but you did, and that makes me a happy camper.