Whoot, random oneshot! n.n Quick explanation. I was talking to my aunt Keaka about my infamy with milk, and how I hate it and so on, and she suggested that I write a fanfic about it. So voila, I did! This may be Ed talking, but this is how I feel about milk. In fact! I sacrificed myself for you guys, by drinking some milk myself. I never swallowed it of course, then I'd vomit. So, my reaction turned to Ed's. Yay!

Dedicated to Keaka, cause she's awesome like that…and this fanfic wouldn't exist without her.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, or milk…or cows in fact.

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Why the hell did the Colonel want me in his office? Maybe another mission…great, just what I needed. It better not be some cracked up mission like to wash all his dirty laundry…which I'm still getting nightmares about. Ugh…

So now I'm standing in Mustang's office. Been doing that for the past 10 minutes. Why is he frickin' ignoring me?! That bastard…

Finally. He seemed to realize that I'm here. He looks at me. "Oh, Fullmetal, I didn't see you over this pile of papers." He says casually, pointing to a small pile of papers.

"DAMMIT, YOU CALLING ME SMALLER THEN A GRAIN OF RICE?!" I yell.

He laughs. "Okay, that's enough."

I fold my arms and glare at him. What does he think he is, the king of Ametris or something? Am I supposed to be his damn jester?

"Now, Fullmetal. I've heard that you dislike milk…" He started.

Oh no…this will not end well.

Mustang snaps his fingers twice. No, he didn't transmute anything, he didn't have his gloves on. Suddenly Hawkeye appears from nowhere holding a gallon of milk and a bright red mug. She placed the two items on the desk, saluted Mustang, nods in recognition to me and leaves.

Once again….this definitely will not end well.

And…now he's ignoring me again. Slowly pouring the milk into the mug. Dammit, does he have to do that in front of me? Really, how can anyone drink that…that…liquefied crap? It comes from inside cows. Churned up from inside them. Squeezed from their frickin' udders! Those…pink…flappy things that dirty hands touch and baby cows suck on…ugh…that smells so bad…

Looks like he's enjoying himself. Guess he noticed how sick I look. Hope he chokes on that milk, asshole.

Damn, he didn't. Oh well. He's wiping off that milk mustache off his face with his sleeve. And now..oh, don't tell me. He's refilling it! Does he not hear the splattering sound of chunky milk hitting the insides of the mug? I feel sick…

Oh yay, he acknowledged my existence. What's with the devilish smirk? "Here Fullmetal…" He pushes the mug onto me. "I command you to drink it."

I gawk at him, then down at the mug. It's filled to the brim in off-white/light yellow milk. Is he kidding me?? "Do I have to?" I mutter.

"Yes you do. You don't want to be court-martialed for disobeying orders, do you? Just think…you'll have your license revoked, and Al will be shipped far, far away to be experimented on."

I hate him. So much right now. If only I had a nice big axe right now…

"Mustang, you can't be serious. This doesn't even look fresh!" I complain.

"Of course it is. This has just been opened." He pointed to the gallon.

This isn't fair. What's worse is he just drank from this mug. Gross times 2.

"Anytime now Fullmetal, don't take all day." He says impatiently.

Bastard…I sigh. I'll just have to grit my teeth and bare it…and try hard not to puke my guts out. I sip it. Oh my god…I'm going to vomit. It frickin' tastes like crap. I sip again. I'm going to die…damn, this tastes bad.

"Hurry up already."

Oh shut up, you bastard. Oh, how I'd love to wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze it real hard. "Are you sure this is fresh?"

"For the last time, it is. Get over it."

"Must be tons of bacteria floating around in this stuff…" I mutter before forcing down another sip.

"It's pasteurized…all of it has been cooked out." He sighs.

Wonder what else was cooked out of it. Chunks, pieces of flesh, dead bugs, viruses, who knows? For all I know, the cow this freaking came from was sick. Or maybe the farmer made a mistake, and milked a bull instead. Oh god…now I really have to vomit.

I have to end this torture. It'll never end if I don't. So, I chug down the rest of the milk…someone, please kill me now. Ew, was that a chunk I just felt?! Great, now I have to swish it around my mouth and strain it through my teeth. Fabulous.

"Just swallow it already, Fullmetal." He's obviously bored. Oh well, screw him. I'll take as long as I want to.

But I have to swallow. The milk's warm in my mouth. How fresh was this milk?? Trying not to freak out, I swallow. Painfully I might add. Nasty, I can feel it sliding down my throat.

"Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?" He said, now pleased. "Yup, this can be a start of a brand new thing, just think. We make you drink milk maybe once a day. By next year, I bet you'll spring up a few inches or so."

I would make up a comeback, but the milk's bubbling uncomfortably in my stomach. "Can I go now?" I ask quietly.

"Not yet, don't you see I'm busy gloating?" Damn, he's so full of himself. "This can be a start of an all new Edward Elric." He continues.

"Mustang, I really need to go." I say firmly.

"Well you're not going, so stop asking me." He glares at me. "Man, you're looking pale." He says mostly to himself.

I don't care. I clamp my hand over my mouth and double over, trying to keep the upcoming bile under control.

The Colonel's entertained. Good for him. Oh! Ha, I just thought of something. For revenge. I stand up, letting go of my mouth and breathing deeply.

"Feeling better?" He said with a smirk.

I don't answer. Instead, a flood of vomit escapes my mouth onto his desk. Basically drowning all finished paperwork he had. Oh, and for an added touch, I vomited on him too.

"ED!" He shrieks.

I stand upright and examine the scene. Gross, the milk looks the same coming out. Just stickier…disturbing. What a shame I had to lose my lunch though. That was a good couple of steaks…ah well.

"Mmm, excellent milk Colonel. You're right, we should do this again." I say cheerfully, waving and strolling out of his office. I start heading for the library. I have to tell Al.

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And I'm still cracking up from writing this! Thank you so much Auntie!!

Some of the milk rants were kinda disturbing…especially the bull one…must never bring that up again.

Thank you for reading and yadda. Please review!