How long can this day get?
The following takes place…oh, who really cares anymore?
Jack steps off a plane as the Chinese hand him over, looking bedraggled
Bill: It's good to see you again, Jack. I knew you would survive 2 years in that Chinese prison.
Jack: Good God, you mean the show is still going on?
Bill: Yes it is, Jack. And as the only remotely likeable new cast member in recent seasons, it has fallen unto me to receive you, though you now look more like some hobo who's been living off the trash from CTU.
Jack: Hey, Chinese food makes me sick, all right.
Bill: Then you'll be glad to know that we have decided to sacrifice you to some crazed terrorist for the greater good, a recurring theme on this show that has gotten decidedly worse over time.
Jack: All right, I'll do it, so long as I don't have to read those sickening lovey-dovey lines with Audrey Raines again.
Bill: Don't worry, even Kim's not in this season.
Jack: Thank God!
Bill: I'll have to handcuff you to this grate and leave you now, Jack. I'm sure you'll find a way to beat the bad guys, even though you have been systematically tortured, beaten and starved for two years.
Jack: All right, I will acquiesce quietly, even though I have risked my life and done terrible things for the sake of protecting this country. This will emphasise my nobility and courage, and enhance audience sympathy.
Bill: You are a true American hero, Jack.
Jack: Well, I no longer have a will to live anyway. Though this will last for all of one episode.
Some mean-looking Arab guys turn up, automatically denoting them as terrorists.
Fayed: I finally have you in my hands, Jack. Now you shall pay for what you did to my brother.
Jack: Dammit, I told them that public service announcement about American Muslims wouldn't work!
Fayed: What's more, I just duped your dumbass government into killing the good terrorist guy, when I am in fact the evil terrorist guy who has been behind all these bombings. Pretty neat, huh?
Jack: You deceived my government with false intelligence and made them go after the wrong guy? Sorry pal, we are perfectly capable of doing that on our own.
Fayed: Oh well. This will be the impetus that makes you spring back into action, accompanied by stirring theme music.
Jack escapes by the grossest method seen on the series so far. He goes and looks for good terrorist Assad, saves him and recruits him to the side of the good guys. All in the space of like, an hour?
We now find ourselves in some unknown government briefing centre.
Generic Government Bureaucrat 1: We have bad news, Mr President. Fayed's assembling a suitcase nuclear bomb that may kill millions. Initial estimates say that 12,000 will be killed in the initial blast zzzzzz…..
Wayne Palmer: What's he doing?
GGB 2: Sorry, Mr President. He's heard this so many times over the past few seasons, he fell asleep giving you the doomsday scenario. It's obviously meant to ratchet up the tension, but just sounds like some tired soap opera device now.
Wayne Palmer: Can't the producers could come up with a fresh terrorist plot? Hell, they've even resorted to making me President, when I look ridiculously young and obviously lack the gravitas that my brother had.
GGB 2: Evidently not yawn
Wayne Palmer: Well, I shall try my very best to convey the anguish of having to make decisions for the greater good. Even though some sinister government cabal is surely waiting to scheme against me.
Chad Lowe: Who, me?
Wayne Palmer: Say, aren't you some actor's brother?
Back at CTU….
Chloe: I have something to tell you, Jack.
Jack: No, Chloe, I will not sleep with you, even though the women in this show all find me irresistible.
Chloe: No, Jack! Your father may well be involved in the conspiracy to blow up America!
Jack: Dear God.
Chloe: Yeah, imagine that. You actually have a father. I thought you were like, spawned from some Alien egg.
Jack: Well, the producers had to find SOMETHING fresh.
Chloe: Well, you should now prepare yourself for all sorts of Freudian references and father-son relationship angst.
Jack: Oh, well. Will you sleep with me anyway? I haven't gotten any for like, two years.
Chloe: Please, Jack. Even I'm not that desperate.
Philip Bauer: It is I, Jack, your long-estranged, and surely scheming and evil, father.
Jack: Dammit! Can I torture you? I don't really care whether you are involved in this or not.
Philip Bauer: Well, why don't you torture your brother instead?
Jack: Good idea!
Jack and Phililp have a showdown in an appropriately dimly-lit area
Philip: It's time to tell you the truth, Jack.
Jack: Gray's kid is really mine, since he looks suspiciously blonde?
Philip: Hey, that's an interesting potential plot twist, that may come up later on.
Jack: Great, then I'll get to bang Marilyn!
Philip: Enough, Jack! I helped supply Fayed with the nuclear devices through my dirty dealings with some Russians.
Jack: What?
Philip: You don't really need to understand, just know that the Russians are the real bad guys.
Jack: The Russians? 16 years after the Cold War ended?
Philip: Trust me, it's the politically correct move to make, so as not to offend them Arabs. Otherwise, they might just blow us up!
Jack: Thanks a lot, Dad. Just cos of that, I'm going to have to do another public service announcement.
Philip: Just know this, Jack. This conspiracy extends to the highest levels of government.
Jack: You know what, the show is now so utterly pointless, this spoof will end right here.
24 theme plays.