Hidden Realizations of Heart

By: HermioneSparta

Rating: M

Summary: Sometimes we don't always know what we want, even if it's been in front of us the entire time.

Disclaimer: I bow down before Joss Whedon and Marti Nox.

Author Notes: Please leave reviews. If you flame, be prepared to get a reply jut as bad. So, yes, I even welcome flames.

A RG/BS fic!

Hidden Realizations of the Heart

Chapter One

The Scoobies had just finished eliminating the nest of vamps that had attacked Dawn that night. Buffy was giving Dawn a dressing down and Giles was leaning on the doorway, waiting. Spike was at his crypt, Anya and Xander were at the apartment and Willow and Tara were talking in their room.

"-n't believe you'd be so irresponsible!" Buffy said. Dawn winced. Her head hurt from where she'd hit it when she'd landed on the ground. There'd been a tree root underneath her.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" she said. Buffy threw up her hands in frustration and was about to go in the kitchen when she heard the younger female mutter, "It's not worse than anything *you've* ever done." Giles scowled and Buffy spun on her heel. Dawn realized she'd been heard. "Oops," she said, sliding down in her chair. Buffy opened her mouth, then snapped it shut, turned, and went into the back yard, slamming the door. Dawn winced for a different reason this time.

"Was that little comment really worth it?" he asked, not sound anything at all like Giles, the stuffy British Watcher. Dawn squirmed. "Well?"

"No." she admitted in a small voice.

"Then why did you say it?" Dawn didn't answer. "Answer me Dawn," he growled. Normally a seemingly calm and rational man, Rupert "Ripper" Giles was at the end of his tether. His ice pack was laying on the table, forgotten.

Up the stairs, Tara was watching Buffy. The Slayer paced the yard before slumping and bringing her hands to her face. Willow was already on her way down the stairs, but stopped when she heard Giles. Tara watched as Buffy forced back her grief and pain and entered the house again.

"We can set here all night or you can give me a bloody answer Dawn," Giles snapped. Willow stifled a gasp.

"I don't know why I said it ok?"

"No, it's not ok. Buffy knew what she was getting into with Angel. She *knew* he was a vampire. You on the other hand didn't even try-"

"I messed up ok? It's not like I did it on purpose!" Dawn said. "I'm not the only one who makes mistakes!" she yelled before running out of the room and up the stairs. Giles sighed and went into the kitchen. Willow came the rest of the way down the stairs and followed. Giles wasn't speaking to her, and with good reason.

"So Dawn's going to sulk until tomorrow evening." Buffy stated as she shut the fridge. "Great."

"If she does then so what?" Willow asked. Buffy tampered down her anger and feeling of betrayal at Willow. Her emotions were the worst around the redhead.

"Willow, could you please not do that tonight?" Buffy asked, voice devoid of all emotion. "Know what, forget it. I'm going to bed," she said, setting down the cup of pop and also going up the stairs.

"That ended well." Willow muttered before turning towards Giles and away from the sink. "So how long are you going to stay mad at me?" Giles didn't answer, but set down his mug of tea and went into the living room and laid on the couch, having already changed. Willow sighed and went up to Tara.

Later that night, or in the early morning, Buffy awoke, heart pounding, sweat pouring, fist clenched. No one had heard the muffled screams. Wiping away the tears, she climbed out of bed and silently made her way to the bathroom to rinse off her face. Then she snuck downstairs.

"Buffy?" She jumped.

"What are you doing up Giles?" she asked, going into the living room when a tiny reading light was on.

"I'm afraid I couldn't sleep. You?"

"Dreams," she muttered. She'd told him when he'd asked how she was. How she was sleeping. He recalled what she'd said. Giles set down the book, and patted the couch next to him as he sat up.

"Sit here." She did. "Now, do you want to talk about it?" Buffy shook her head but allowed him to embrace her. Her resolve threatened to crumble before the numbness returned. She shivered at slivers of the dream. It usually began from her jumping off the tower, to being brought back and crawling from the grave, followed by the events leading up to her arriving at the house and talking to Spike.

Giles took the extra blanket off the back of the couch, wrapped her in it, and pulled her back into his embrace. Buffy rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. She felt safer.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she said, opening her eyes and pulling away. Or attempting to. As a normal human, he wouldn't have been able to stop her. But tightening his hold, she relaxed again. He wanted to hold her and she let him. They sat in silence for a while.

Buffy thought over what had went on in the past few days Giles had been in Sunnydale. She'd gotten drunk with Spike while waiting for info, accepted a check in said drunkenness from Giles (which she was regretting doing. Everyone knew she was independent to a bad degree.), run off to LA to talk to Angel (it didn't go too well) and gotten attacked by a nest of vamps thanks to Dawn.

Giles though about everything that had happened since she'd died. He'd been doing that a lot. He'd went back to England the day they did the ritual. He'd returned to find a distant and alive Buffy. He'd given Willow a lecture that inspired some serious though about her magic usage. Then he'd found out about Buffy's bills and almost went off. She'd been dead and there'd been no debts when she'd died. No really bad ones anyway.

Nothing was going as either of them had ever imagined. Neither had expected her to die and be resurrected. When Xander had done CPR was different. It hadn't been her time. And she'd died by "natural means".

"What are you thinking about?" she asked worriedly as she noticed the anger on his face. Giles jerked, startled. He looked at her concerned expression and felt his anger melting from his own expression. But not actually leaving.

"Nothing," he said not convincing either of them. Buffy raised an eyebrow. He didn't reply but released her and stood. Buffy looked slightly disappointed and also stood, heading strait for the kitchen. Giles followed behind her, shaking his head. He'd gotten up to make tea.

"Hungry?" she asked, opening the fridge. Nothing appealed to her so she shut it.

"No," he replied while heating the kettle. He watched her walk around the room, eyebrows furrowed and lips in a frown. She was thinner then normal, and he had yet to see her eat a decent meal.

Buffy climbed up onto the counter and reached inside one of the cabinets and pulled out the plates and bowls. Giles raised an eyebrow and waited.

"Hand me that knife, would you?" she asked, nodding towards the butter knife near the microwave. He handed her the knife. He watched as she pried open part on the backing to the cabinet. A minute later, Buffy replaced the dishes, rinsed off the knife and pulled out the candy bar that had been hidden.

"Good lord. Is that even edible?" he asked, looking at the candy bar as she unwrapped it.

"Expiration date's not for a few more weeks, so yes, it is," she said taking a bite. The caramel in the Twix bar turned into a string. Buffy managed to swallow before laughing. The bar was cookie and goo because of the California heat had melted it so much. "Oh god Giles, I wish I had a camera. You should see your face," she said, doubling over.

Giles' expression was disbelief and attempted suppressed amusement. He chuckled. Buffy's face turned red as she silently laughed. His chuckles turned to laughter, albeit a little quiet, as to not wake anyone. After a few minutes, they settled down. Buffy was clutching her side, an arm around her stomach.

"I-I think we needed that," she said, running her tongue over her lips. Her face was flushed with the effort it took to keep her laughter silent. Giles wiped away a tear.

"Yes, I agree," he said before taking a sip of the tea. Buffy finished off the candy bar and managed to keep her giggles in.

"Giles?"

"Yes?"

"What's wrong?" she asked while leaning on the sink, arms crossed. He sighed.

"Nothing."

"Liar." He clenched down on his retort. It wasn't her fault.

"Nothing is wrong that concerns you," he amended. Buffy narrowed her eyes then suddenly her expression changed to one of indifference and faux happiness.

"All right." She yawned. And Giles knew Buffy enough to know the yawn was also fake. "I'm going back to bed. Night."

"Good night Buffy," he said as she left the room. Giles finished off his tea and went into the living room. He fell asleep once he hit the pillow. In her room, Buffy dozed, her hand under the pillow, gripping a knife.

Later that week Buffy and Giles were in the training room. Tara, Willow, Xander and Anya were at Xander's apartment. The four were going over what they'd found out and stewing in their guilt. Buffy was attempting to understand what Giles was saying. And trying to get him to stay.

"I have to." Buffy looks at Giles in shock.

"Uh-huh," she said, setting down.

"You have to be strong. I'm, I'm trying to-"

Buffy jumped up. "Trying to, to what? Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody?"

"I don't want to leave-" Giles started quietly

"So don't. Please don't." she begged. She goes to sit beside him. "I can't do this without you."

"You can. That's why I'm going. As long as I stay you'll always turn to me if there's something comes up that you feel that you can't handle, and I'll step in because, because..." He sighed. "Because I can't bear to see you suffer."

"Me too. Hate suffering. Had about as much of it as I can take."

"Believe me, I'm loathe to cause you more, but this..." Buffy's close to crying as he pauses for words. "I've taught you all I can about being a Slayer, and your mother taught you what you needed to know about life." Buffy looks away, pouting. "You...you're not going to trust that until you're forced to stand alone."

"But why now?" she demanded.

"Now more than ever. The temptation to give up is gonna be overwhelming, and I can't let-" he said. They didn't know where she'd been. But they knew she was in hell.

"So I won't! No giving up. You can be here, and I can still be strong."

"Buffy, I've thought this over ... and over. I believe it's the right thing to do."

"You're wrong." She almost left, but stopped at the door and went back to the mats and sat next to him. He rubbed a hand over his face.

"I am sorry," he said, knowing he wouldn't get an immediate comment. But he did get one, eventually.

"I know." she whispered, wiping away the tears. "Why?" she asked, looking at him. The one word hid the actual question. "Why now?" Why lie about it? seemed to hand on the end.

"I told you-"

"Please Giles. Please don't say that again. You're always claiming I'm smarter then I am. So don't insult me that way! What is the real reason you're leaving?" she asked, still looking at him. Giles opened his mouth then snapped it with a click. She changed tactics slightly.

"What about Willow? She's going to need your help if she's going to stop using so much magic." Giles let out a bark laughter. His eyes flashed cruelly. Buffy knew it was Riper who'd laughed.

"Willow Rosenberg does not want any help. From anyone. That should be evident from her last magical 'project'," he said while mentally sneering at Willow.

"Please Giles don't go." she pleaded after flinching slightly. He noticed the flinch and scowled. Buffy stood at the scowl, moving away, but not leaving. "What?" she asked nervously as he watched looked at her with an intense gaze. Well, this is what I get for wanting to *feel* something. Pain!

"Something happened," he said, narrowing his eyes. Buffy opened her mouth and returned his scowl.

"Oh no you don't! You were about to leave me, not caring! Don't you try to worry about me now that everything is set for you to go!" she snarled. But once she'd said it, everything was wiped away, her emotions nothing but empty space.

Giles sighed. "I'll always care and worry about you Buffy," he said, sounding really British. It was a testament to how tired and worn he was. Buffy sagged.

"I know," she whispered, hugging herself tightly.

"Do you?" he asked in a low voice. Her gaze locked with his.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Answer it," he growled, standing.

"Yes! My GOD Giles, that was below thebelt. After all these years, after everything we've been through-" she chocked back a sob. "I can't believe you'd think that of me Giles." she whispered. He stood and took a few steps towards her.

"It seems that you're only thinking of yourself right now." he snarled. He was hurt and wasn't going to play docile Watcher any longer. Buffy reared back as if he'd struck her.

"THINKING OF MYSELF?" she screamed. "All I want is the truth! It's not that much to ask!"

"Do not presume to know something like that!" he snapped back. "You don't know the truth and you shan't!"

"Why?"

"Because you need to grow up!" he said, while pacing.

"Grow up." she stated slowly, paling. There was a tone in her voice that caused him to stop pacing. "Fine then Giles. If you think I haven't been grown since I was sixteen and fighting my first vampire, then I'll grow up some more. I just hope I can do it enough to satisfy you," she said, whispering the last sentence before running from the room and out of the shop.

Buffy ran though the town, ignoring everyone and thing. She didn't think about anything but Giles and the anger he'd shown he felt for her. She slowed near the warehouses and alleys. She walked sown a particular alley and came to the ruins of the tower Glory's crazy minions had built. She stood there, looking and remembering. And wondering if she was ever going to do enough. To be finished. To be free.

Magic Box

The four Scoobies entered the shop, sulking still. Xander was surprised to find Giles setting at one of the tables in the back room, with a bottle of scotch. The three females were in the front.

"Giles, what happened?"

"Go away Xander," he said warningly. Xander spread his hands in a peace gesture.

"Have you seen Buffy? And why are you drinking again?" he asked when it finally registered with his brain that Giles was drinking again. He hadn't drank since Buffy had died.

"I have no idea where Buffy is and I suggest you get the bloody hell out of here." he growled before pouring two fingers and knocking it back. Xander left, not liking where Giles was at. Namely in a very Ripper borderline mood, drinking, and very, VERY close to the knives, swords and other sharp weapons. He went into the main area again, and sunk into a chair next to Anya.

"What's wrong Xand?" Willow asked. Xander shook his head.

"Giles. Very mad. Drinking. Close to sharp objects," he said with a shudder. "When I asked him where Buffy as, he snapped. It looked like he wanted to kill me because I said her name," he said. Willow frowned, Tara looked troubled and Anya was smoothing his hair.

"Mabey we should confront Giles and tell him that he can't kill Xander for asking were Buffy is. I mean, she is the Slayer, and we must know where she is at all times." They all stared at her. "What? I'm just saying what we all know. Buffy should have left a note or something. And not pissed off Giles."

"How do you know it was Buffy who pissed Giles off?" Willow asked. Then she wondered why she was defending Giles.

"Obviously, Buffy did something like hurt Giles and now he's trying to get rid of the problem with nasty alcoholic drinks that will make him have a very bad headache in the morning." she stated with a nod. "Remember how he drank when she died?" And that brought back the guilt.

"Yeah, but Giles also drank because he felt he'd failed her, that it was his fault." Tara pointed out quietly.

"We should find her," Willow said, standing.

"Yes, lets." Xander agreed, jumping up. Getting away from Giles at the moment was what he was willing to do.

"Wait, who's staying here with Giles?" Tara asked. They all looked around.

"I'm not," Xander said, before going to the door and exiting. He stuck his head back in. "And neither is Anya. She'll make it worse."

"Hey! Harris, get back here!" she said, going towards the door. "I'll have you know-" Xander placed a hand over her mouth.

"Giles can take care of himself," Willow said while looking at the office door and chewing on her lip.

"Y-you all said he was turned into a demon while drinking." Tara reminded her. Will smiled softly. Shook her head and took Tara's hand while telling her the entire story.

In the back room, Giles took yet another sip of his drink. He contemplated what to do. But he also knew there was nothing he *could* do. The alcohol was starting to kick in. He knew that he was wrong. Just as he knew Buffy and the others were wrong. And it didn't make him feel the tiny bit better.

Buffy was still at the tower sight. But now, she was walking around it. She walked over everything, looking. With a sigh, she stepped onto the pile and began going towards the center. She would always remember the feel of the portal energy around her, despite the fact that the energy had long ago disappeared.

The gang searched for almost two hours.

"We should go home. Buffy can take care of herself," Xander said as he dragged the axe, they'd also taken care of a few vamps.

"She's close," Willow said. Tara rubbed her lover's arm.

"That's what you said an hour ago," Anya pointed out. They came upon the alley leading to the area of the tower remains. Tara shivered.

"Come on," Willow said, walking down the alley. A minute later, they were greeted by a sight. Buffy was standing on the spot the platform she'd jumped off of was equal to on the ground, lost in memory. She was looking down at the ground, seeing the portal and her final sacred duty before her well earned rest. Her job had been complete.

"Buffy?" Xander asked, stepping onto the ruins. Buffy snapped out of her trance and whirled around, hiding the emotion on her face. When she saw who it was, she hid her anger, pain and betrayal. But not fast enough. They all saw it. Just like they saw the self inflicted numbness and the shadows that lurked in her eyes.

"Xander, what is it?" she asked while wrapping her arms around herself.

"Ah...well a couple of hours ago, we went to the Magic Box. We found Giles. Drinking," he added at her black look. The blankness changed to slowly dawning horror.

"Near sharp objects," Anya interjected in a helpful voice. Buffy gasped and ran.

"I think we should go home," Tara said quietly. Being able to read auras, she could see some of the pain Buffy was in. She also noticed the guilt when Xander had said they'd found a drinking Giles.

They silently started towards the car that was parked on the main street nearby. No one was in the mood for talk.

Magic Box

Buffy arrived back at the store ten minutes later. After unlocking the door, she silently slipped in and flicked on the light. Nothing in the main shop. No surprise. Next was the training room. Again, no Giles. Then she went to the back room.

"Giles," she said with a sigh. Giles was drunk. But not so drunk that he was asleep. No, he was actually wide awake.

"Buffy." He blinked then smiled slightly. "Want some?" he asked in a slurred voice as he raised his glass.

"No. And you're finished," she said, taking the bottle and glass.

"Hey that's mine! Besides, I remember you recently getting drunk." he added with a pout. Buffy rolled her eyes. Liquor was said to be the strongest truth telling method there is. And the only non-supernatural and harming method.

"I was waiting for information," she said, setting across from him. Giles snorted. Ripper decided to play and sober him up some.

"Ah, and drowning your pain away."

"If I was, then so what. I heal, you won't. Not quick enough." Another snort.

"My life is-"

"Don't say it," she growled.

"Why not? You're a bitch and every one of us knows it." Ripper replied. When Ripper was drunk, there was something very wrong. Because it took a lot to get Ripper drunk, since the Dark magic used to build his tolerance to anything. All he could do was make Giles sound comprehendible.

"I've been a bitch, I'll admit it. But I'm not now," she said crossing her arms. Ripper scoffed.

"Oh come now Buffy. You're sulking and being a bitch." She scowled at the British man.

"At least I'm not planning on leaving anyone who needs me." She tilted her head. "Come on Ripper, you were more fun years ago when Giles at the candy bar." Ripper scoffed then grinned.

"Now *that* was fun. Quite a release I must say. Your mum-" he was cut off buy her hand on his mouth.

"One comment about my mother and I swear Giles will wish he could hurt you." she snarled as she released his mouth.

"What? You're going beat me up? Unless you've forgotten you tart, Giles and I are the same bloody person, so I suggest you put me down." Buffy had lifted the Watcher by his collar into the air.

"Oh I haven't forgotten. No, I'm not going to beat you." She grinned. Even Ripper knew that grin. It was bad. It was the same one she wore when she'd treaded the same line as Faith. "No, I'm going make you want to beat yourself. Giles is an excellent Watcher. And I'm a fair actress. Ok, more that fair. You're going to answer my questions-" she placed him in the chair and went over to a book shelf. "-or I'll rip a page from this book," she said, pulling down large tome.

Ripper scoffed. "And I care why?" Buffy smirked and showed him the title. He swallowed.

"No words? Oh, well that's to bad." She held Giles' most prized and protected tome. It was one of the rarest and darkest magic books. The Grimoire. "I think we should get started, don't you?" Ripper nodded.

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A.N. Ok, not where I was originally going to go, but (of course) the muses wanted to poke fun at me. They always due. Please review.