Season Two Remix: Shirtless!Zuko Style
20 MORE situations that would have ended differently had Zuko done it shirtless
Genre: Shirtless!Zuko AU/fangirl fantasy
Rating: PG-15, light M, for adult humor/situations and the 's' word (the one that ends in ex)
Author Notes: Not for those who don't like Zuko. Or Chuck Norris jokes. Gotta love the Chuck Norris jokes. Mostly for fangirls like myself who wished Zuko would have been in every episode and not worn a shirt. Ever.
WARNING: THIS IS PERHAPS THE CRACKIEST CRACKED CRACKFIC IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. IT IS A PARODY AND WRITTEN FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES ONLY. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR PLEASE DON'T READ. I POKE FUN AT EVERY SHIP POSSIBLE AND MAKE FUN OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS. IT MAY, OR MAY NOT, MAKE SENSE. ALSO, SUPER OOC-NESS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
A/N: The sequel of the damned.
In Episode 2x01, if Zuko had been shirtless, Azula would've been unable to lie to him, thanks to his gleaming, god-like abs of awesome that glow in the dark, and her head would've exploded due to her temporary lack of evilness.
This is the only reason Zuko wasn't shirtless in episode one.
If in Episode 2x02, if Zuko had been shirtless, Song would've given him the ostrich-horse, freely. And possibly the shirt right off of her back.
However, this would've made several dedicated Zutarians most unhappy, and we can't have that. (The SoKo, people, however, would be thrilled.)
This is why Zuko wasn't shirtless in that episode.
If, by some miracle of fate, Zuko had been in Omashu at the same time as the Gaang and Azula's posse, it would have led to two different things:
-If he kept his shirt on, it would have just been a repeat of the battle in The Chase, except no one would like it because Toph wasn't in it, and if there is one thing in this world that can combat Zuko's shirtless power of awesome, it's Toph's amazing powers of pure badassery.
-However, if he'd been there without his shirt, it would have led to a giant orgy on everyone's part. Everybody loves orgies!
We are still unsure of why this didn't happen.
If Zuko had been shirtless in episode 2x04, then the Earth Kingdom thug who mocked Iroh and made him dance for a gold coin would not exist. One does not mock the Uncle of the shirtless!Zuko and live to tell the tale. In fact, the guy's head probably exploded just being in the same area as shirtless!Zuko.
The only problem with this is that it would've gotten Zuko enough darkside points to become evil and villainous again, and obviously that was a plot point being saved for the season finale, so that's why Zuko wore a shirt in this episode.
If Zuko had been shirtless in episode 2x05, Avatar Day, it would've been a better episode overall.
After all, he wouldn't have had to steal all that stuff. All he'd have to do is walk down the streets with his shirtless power of awesome and everything he could ever want would come to him like a magnet.
But then he wouldn't have anything to angst about, and therefore the rest of the season would've been virtually worthless.
This is why Zuko wasn't shirtless in episode five.
The only person in this world who can match the awesome power of Zuko's shirtlessness is Toph Beifong. In fact, Chuck Norris is actually the bastard child of shirtless!Zuko and Toph, sent thousands of years into the future to a point in time when the world could stand such badass awesomeness.
So, had Zuko been in episode 2x06, The Blind Bandit, and was indeed shirtless, it would've led to the greatest battle the world has ever known. Shirtless!Zuko would've challenged Toph during the Earth Rumble and the two would've fought, throwing rocks, fire, and general awesomeness at each other.
However, this would've led to simply too much awesomeness, and the world would've exploded.
This is why Zuko wasn't in episode six.
If Zuko had been shirtless in Zuko Alone, the world would have ended. Obviously, the general public has a hard enough time living through twenty-two minutes and some odd seconds of pure Zuko. Imagine if he'd been shirtless that entire time.
…
Notice how your head is swelling just a bit and your cat just spontaneously combusted? Yes, that was you imagining 22 minutes of shirtless!Zuko. Now, imagine if it had been real.
That's why Zuko was not shirtless in Zuko Alone
If Zuko had been shirtless in the Chase, it would have led to a massive orgy on everyone's part. Katara, Mai, Ty Lee, and Azula would've ended up pregnant. Toph would not have been pregnant, if only because her awesome badassness doubles as birth control, if she wants it to. Unfortunately, both Sokka and Aang got pregnant in her place, and that's just disturbing.
This is why Zuko wasn't shirtless in the Chase.
If Zuko had been shirtless in Bitter Work, then Iroh, upon waking up from the Dead, would take one look at Zuko's gleaming abs in the bright sunlight, and proceeded to have been blinded for life by the raw awesome glow radiating from Zuko's shirtless form.
And seeing as Toph has already filled the blind-person quota for the show, Iroh would be deemed as worthless and promptly killed off, thus causing a mad fangirl mob to destroy Nick.
This is probably why Zuko wasn't shirtless in Bitter Work.
Zuko wasn't in episode 2x10, the Library. This is just as well, because if he had been, then Wan Shi Tong would have wanted to keep him as his secret love slave, thus locking him and his sexy shirtlessness away from the general public, and no one wants that.
But he was in the next episode, The Desert, though he was disappointingly not shirtless. This is probably because if he had been, then the Rough Rhinos', or whatever the hell they're called, heads would've exploded, and we then would've been down five antagonists instead of our happy, even ten.
This is why Zuko wasn't shirtless in the desert.
If Zuko had been shirtless in The Serpent's Pass, then Jet, who already has a freaky, stalker-like obsession with Zuko (but then again, who wouldn't?) would've been driven to insane extremes to seduce our hapless Prince. And while the combined sexiness of Zuko and Jet would've caused many heads to explode, it also would've gotten Avatar off the air, and nobody wants that.
This is why Zuko wore a shirt that episode.
Had Zuko not worn a shirt in The Drill, then at the end of the episode when Zuko and Iroh go on the train, the train would've crashed because everyone on board's (the earthbenders included) head would've exploded, and the no one would've gotten into Bai Sing Sei.
This is why Zuko still has rules on why he can't be shirtless in public.
If Zuko had been shirtless in the City of Walls and Secrets, then when he and Jet had their epic, matrix-like battle, it would've ended up in kinky, hot, guy-on-guy sex instead of just a really awesome battle scene.
But then the Dai Li wouldn't have shown up (and wanted in on the action), and Jet would've never been arrested, and Lake Laogi wouldn't have happened.
But that episode wasn't all that great (after all, Zuko wasn't shirtless), and shirtless Zuko would've been better.
This is the only reason I can think of for Zuko to have worn a shirt (except, perhaps, for the fact that he looked cute in the apron. But he would've looked cuter shirtless. Admit it!)
Tales of Bai Sing Sei. Hmm…Now that one, I promise, has a very, very good reason for not having shirtless!Zuko. In fact, I think we'll agree on this one, if only for one reason:
Jin.
Yes, Jin. Zuko's actual, canon, one-episode love interest. How the fandom is torn. Some like her. The majority, however, think she should crawl in a hole and die.
Admittedly, had Zuko not had a shirt on while on his date with Jin, things would've gotten a little…kinky.
And the fangirls, jealous of the girl who got to make out with, not just Zuko, but shirtless!Zuko, would've gone into a mad rage that could rival the Avatar State, broken the boundary separating reality from fiction, slaughtered Jin, and would've taken poor, clueless (but shirtless!) Zuko with them into the real world.
This, obviously, would've led to the apocalypse, which is generally accepted as a bad idea in most cases.
This is why Zuko wore a shirt in that episode, and this is the only time we will support him doing so.
Zuko was in Appa's Lost Days for only .5 seconds, and he was sleeping.
He should've been shirtless. End of story. I'm not going to even bother to argue for any logical reason for him to wear a shirt, because, honestly, he was in there for .5 seconds. He could've been shirtless.
…Except for the fact that, upon seeing Zuko's glorious, shirtless form, Appa would've come to him and tried to kidnap him, and poor Zuko has been traumatized enough already, don't you think?
Had Zuko been shirtless in Lake Laogi, that would've meant—yes, you guessed it! Shirtless!Blue Spirit!
Greater than Toph, shirtless!Zuko, and Chuck Norris combined, shirtless!Blue Spirit has a badass awesome level of 713.
(The highest you can level up to is level 20.)
Obviously, shirtless!Blue Spirit is so great he defies the laws of physics. In fact, shirtless!Blue Spirit can do whatever he wants to. Had he really wanted to take the Avatar's bison, he could've just sat at home and thought, Hmmm, I really want to Avatar's bison.
And then it would've come to him, like magic. There would be logical explanation needed. It just is.
Which is why Zuko is not allowed to be shirtless and wear the Blue Spirit mask.
Zuko was shirtless in the Earth King. In fact, he was shirtless and wet.
I bet your cat spontaneously exploded during that episode, didn't it?
Don't deny it—you feel guilty. In fact, up until you read this, you thought it was just coincidence, didn't you?
At Nick, they understand. And the last thing they ever want is for you to feel guilty.
Which is why the Earth King is the only episode in which Zuko was actually shirtless (and wet!) in season 2.
Goddamnit!
Zuko was not in the Guru, sadly. And the character you thought was Zuko wasn't really him, but an evil clone who had been given a little too many happy pills, if you know what I mean.
Luckily, Zuko showed up shirtless while off camera (probably while they were showing something gay, like Aang trying to save the world, or something equally unimportant) and killed the evil clone, and took his rightful place as the only Zuko on the show.
And then he put his shirt on.
This is the only explanation for Zuko's actions in the Guru.
Zuko wasn't shirtless in Crossroads of Destiny, but he probably should have been. After all, it would've ended up better for him in the long run.
1. He and Katara would've had hot cave sex, which is always a good thing.
2. Aang might've gotten in on it, too, when he busted in. Or he might've just gone on a jealous rampage and killed them all, who knows?
3. Zuko wouldn't have joined up with Azula. After all, he'd just had amazing cave sex with Katara and possibly Aang—why would he join up with his sister? He wouldn't have amazing cave sex with her. That would just be nasty.
4. And even if he did join Azula—hell, he'd've been shirtless. We would have forgiven him.
However, he was not shirtless, and some of us have not forgiven him, and most of us wish he had have had amazing cave sex with Katara and/or possibly Aang, because it would've meant he had gotten laid and therefore been less angsty.
But he wasn't, so now we can only hope he'll be shirtless all throughout Season 3, to make up for it. Mike and Bryan owe us that much.
XXX
END
A/N: We do not claim any legal responsibility for your cat exploding. Sue Nick, if you have to, for making such a sexy character that imagining him shirtless for 22 minutes made your cat explode.
jak