I'm Still Here

I'm Still Here

Chapter Ten

Hold Tight to What I Know

Feeling tense, Sango walked out of the hut Kagome had been sleeping in to find Kaede. The old woman was standing right outside of the hut, humming to herself quietly, ever the calm one. "Kaede-sama," Sango said softly when she was beside the old miko. "Kagome needs – "

"Yes, child," Kaede nodded with a smile. "I know." She turned around and walked into her hut where she found Kagome sitting down on a futon.

The young miko got up, bowed to the older one, and sat back down. "Kaede-sama…" Kagome started. "I'm sure you know what I'm planning to do," she said. "You, of all people…" The older miko nodded silently, sitting down in front of the girl from the future, and Kagome went on. "You know everything already." It was not a question.

"I do." Kaede hesitated for a second before she continued. "I wish to tell you something, child." Taking a deep breath, Kaede quietly spoke. "You probably think your mate is acting strangely."

Kagome flinched. "Do not speak of him that way," she warned, instantly angry.

Kaede nodded, ignoring the young woman's tone. "Mating, for a demon, is a sacred act." Kagome shifted uncomfortably. "I know you do not want me to explain this to you, child, but you are wrong. Kouga's behaviour is completely normal." She noticed Kagome's violent reaction to this – her fists clenched, and she ground her teeth together. "As I said, mating is a sacred act. What Kouga did was a violation of that act. He took a mate by force. I do not know whether he understood what was happening or not, but when he tried to claim you, and you rejected him, he got angry, and decided that he'd make you his, even against your consent. That is a terrible act for a demon – it breaks them completely, rips them apart, until they do not know who they are anymore. Kagome, you must understand Kouga: once he took you by force, he changed. He does not wish to harm you – on the contrary, he loves you and only wants you to love him in return. Your rejection makes him act this way."

Kagome pieced it together. "He's schizophrenic…" she whispered. Kaede frowned slightly. Realizing that Kaede would not understand the meaning of the word, Kagome explained. "A trauma makes him have multiple personalities."

Kaede nodded. "Indeed, you can see it that way."

Kagome was shocked. It was hard not to hate Kouga, but when she understood the reasons for his actions, she couldn't help but feel sympathetic. Then she thought of Inuyasha, and when he turned full demon. He was capable of hurting her in that form, but not intentionally. Was it the same concept? Her eyebrows furrowed, and she questioned her want to leave for a second. If she figured out how to subdue him, how to act as his friend, maybe she could bring him back, calm him down.

Kaede, guessing what Kagome was thinking, broke the silence. "It is too late to change anything, child," she said. "The mating was against your will, and that is mostly what broke him. You can indeed calm him down, but only at times."

Kagome nodded slowly, staring at the ground. "I want to leave," she said. She looked into Kaede's eyes before continuing.

"Yes," Kaede agreed. "That is the best solution. You probably know that the pain he will feel because of your loss will not affect you."

Kagome nodded. "I can never be the true mate of a demon I do not love," she recited. Kaede had already said this to her a long time ago. Silently, Kaede got up and walked out of her hut, waiting for Kagome at the entrance. Kagome walked ahead of her. They headed for the well she'd gone through so many times, the well that she'd be going through soon. She glanced at Kaede for a second, nodding to her gratefully before turning her head back straight and walking silently. Memories, knives, were piercing every inch of her body. Every breath she took was like a blow to the stomach. No words were spoken while they walked. No words were needed. Sango and Miroku were there, too, walking silently behind them. Everyone knew that Kagome was leaving them, they knew that she no longer cared about the jewel, knew that she would never come back after she'd left. She would never again set place in the forest of Inuyasha, the village of Inuyasha… the era of Inuyasha.

When Kagome reached the well, Kaede, Sango and Miroku were behind her. She turned to face them. "Where's Shippo?" she asked in a voice she didn't recognize, a voice devoid of all emotion.

Sango could not bear to talk; she was hurting too much, watching her friend leave them like that. She still hadn't understood what was going to happen; she still didn't know whether she'd ever see her friend again.

Miroku was the one to answer the young miko's question. "He's back in the village. He…" The houshi hesitated. "He doesn't want to see you."

Kagome's smile was bitter as she stared at her friend. "Of course," she whispered. He could smell what the others couldn't, the defilement, the disgusting scent that clung to Kagome wherever she went. Demon's whore…

"Kaede," Kagome said as she turned to the old miko, effectively stopping Miroku or Sango from questioning her reaction to Shippo's absence. "I'm going to go through the well to make sure that the barrier stays up while I'm there."

Kaede nodded as watched her young student close her eyes and concentrate, something she'd watched her do so many times before, without anyone's knowledge. "Let the emotion fill you," she said softly. Many times she'd told Kagome to let go of any anger she felt before erecting a barrier, but Kagome'd never understood why. "Let the anger fill you this time," she whispered.

Kagome opened her eyes to gape at her mentor, her eyes wide. She closed her eyes again, thinking of everything that hurt her, everything that made her angry. Inuyasha's lips over Kikyo's in the clearing… Naraku… Kouga… Inuyasha's bloody haori, the man who'd claimed to have killed him, and finally, finally, what set her off the edge, her words to him the last time she'd seen him.

She heard a gasp behind her but blocked it out. More gasps. Shut up. She had to concentrate. The barrier had formed, she could tell, but it wasn't strong enough. She felt the power she possessed run through her body, extending all around her, electric, dark, angry. It was so tiring, so exhausting, that Kagome wasn't sure that she could hold up until she finished. She knew that she would only be able to try once. If this barrier wasn't strong enough, her whole plan would crumble to dust, and she would not be strong enough to try again. She doubted she'd ever be strong enough to try again. But she kept thinking of the words she'd spoken to Inuyasha, and she let the hatred she felt for herself fill her heart, until she knew that the barrier was strong enough, that it was standing, strong, dark, and dangerous. With a last push, she made her barrier invisible. She opened her eyes slowly, her mind exhausted from the mental exercise. Kaede was looking at her sadly.

"You have true power, child," she said. "I wish I had had enough time to teach you how to use it."

All around the village was a barrier Kagome had learned to erect to defend herself and her friends. She'd hardly been able to let it protect Inuyasha and herself a few times before, but she'd been sure that she would be able to protect the whole village this time. Bitterly, she realized that it wasn't like any other barrier she'd ever erected. This one was dark, powerful, violent…

Sango was the first to understand. "It would kill any human who tried to walk past it, wouldn't it?" she asked. "It's not a purifying barrier." If Kouga ever crossed it, he wouldn't be purified, or killed, but he'd probably be knocked out to the point of forgetting why he was there. Kagome had thought this through many times. Long ago, when she'd been practicing with Kaede, the old miko had taught the young girl the difference between a purifying barrier, and a protecting barrier. Kagome had never been able to erect a protecting barrier strong enough to protect herself from a demon stronger than Shippo.

Kagome nodded slowly, disbelieving. She had truly done it. The whole village was under her protection, her barrier extending all the way to the well. "I'm going to go through the well. I will stay in my time for a minute. Kaede, Miroku, stay concentrated. If the barrier fades, you have to tell me."

Taking a deep breath, she climbed onto the lip of the well, hoping, praying, that her efforts wouldn't have gone to waste. Thinking of her family, and how happy they'd be to see her again, she jumped. She felt the familiar warmth that signaled that she was traveling across time, and then thumped onto the floor of the well. She looked up. Wood. Well-house. She was in her time. Resisting the urge to just stay there, she thought of what Kouga would do to her friends if she didn't go back. Deciding that a glance at the shrine wouldn't hurt, she climbed up the well, and got out. Walking a couple of steps, she faced the sliding door of the well-house. With shaking hands, she opened it slightly, and pressed her face to the crack between the doors. What she saw made her eyes water. Souta was walking outside the shrine with Jii-chan, while the old man told him a story about ancient youkai gods. Souta rolled his eyes, laughed, and said "Wait 'till Kagome hears this, she'll tell you how wrong you are."

Violently, Kagome shut the door. She took a step back shakily. What if the barrier had fallen? What if she couldn't come back? If she couldn't stop Kouga from killing her friends, she would never be able to go back through the well; she would never see her family again.

She shook her head. Any more of this and she'd be tempted to stay. She turned away from the door and back to the well. Slowly, she sat on the lip of it, taking another deep, shaky breath before jumping back into the darkness, terrified that it would be the last time that she did.

When she tumbled to the floor on the other side, she remembered the last time she'd done this, when she'd still been hoping that Inuyasha was going to come back. But he left me, forever. Concentrating, she felt her breathing stop. The barrier was still as strong as it'd been when she'd left. It was just as dangerous as it had been before. Disbelieving, exhilarated, amazed, Kagome climbed up the vines that she used to get out of the well.

"Kagome!" It was Sango's voice.

"The barrier is still as strong," Kaede told her. They were all standing exactly where they'd been standing before Kagome had jumped. She could tell Kaede was relieved that Kagome was back. She'd trusted the girl not to abandon them, but she knew that temptation was a tricky thing, and that Kagome could have decided to stay in her time anyway.

Kagome noticed that Shippo was now standing next to Sango. She did not want any goodbyes. Everyone knew she was leaving. She didn't need to say anything. The barrier was still strong. Kagome couldn't believe it. She was going back home. She was going to start over.

She turned to Kaede yet again. "When Kouga comes for me, he will notice that I am not here. Kaede, you have to promise me to stand close to the barrier, and convince him that I am not here before he tries to hurt you. If he's calm, he will notice the barrier. You have to anger him quickly." The old miko nodded understandingly.

Kagome then turned to her friends. She had expected to see them crying, but what she hadn't expected was her reaction. Or her lack of reaction, actually. She just stared at them, her face empty of any emotion. Sango was standing next to Miroku, who still hadn't uttered a word. She could see his eyes were full of tears, but she could tell that he was trying to keep them from falling.

Next to him, Sango was crying silently, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. A choked sob escaped the girl as she realized the finality of the happenings. Before Kagome could say anything, Sango had launched herself into her friend's arms, crying loudly. Without realizing it, Kagome was crying with her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, surprising even her. "Kagome…" Sango sobbed. Said girl knew that her friend wanted to say more, but that she couldn't find the words. "I can't – I wish…" Sango was holding onto her shirt, clinging to it for dear life, "you have to come back… Once Kouga's weak he'll never come back, he won't try to hurt you anymore, you have to come back and stay with us…" She was talking so fast, sobbing, gasping for air. Kagome bit her lip, feeling guilty.

"No," she said. "I won't be coming back. I'm… I'm sorry, Sango."

Said girl held her friend tighter, no longer sobbing, but crying quietly. Kagome patted her back, strangely uncomfortable in her friend's embrace. She glanced at Miroku helplessly, and he walked towards the two hugging girls. He placed his hand on Sango's shoulder, and she let go of Kagome for the comfort of the houshi's arms.

"Kagome," Miroku said gravely, "It was a great pleasure traveling with you." Kagome knew he was still fighting off tears – not just because she was leaving, but because of everything else… because of Inuyasha. "We will miss you very much, Kagome-sama," he said with a smile. "I wish things had gone differently. You must know that we'll forever blame ourselves for letting…things…happen."

Kagome felt even more uncomfortable now. "You couldn't have done anything," she whispered. "This isn't your fault."

The houshi nodded, and Sango stepped away from him for a second when Kagome moved towards him, to give her space. The young miko smiled a little at her friend, and gave him a tight hug. "MIROKU!" she yelled only a second later. "I cannot believe, of all the times to grope me!"

The houshi now sported the mark of her hand across his cheek. He smiled sheepishly. "Well, I had to lighten the mood didn't I?"

Sango chuckled, and so did Kagome, for the first time in days. She was going home. She turned to Shippo, now. He was still standing behind her friends, kicking rocks with his little foot. He was staring at the ground, knowing that it was now his turn to say goodbye. Kagome hesitated for an instant, feeling the light mood completely die out. She glanced at Miroku and Sango, who were in turn looking at Shippo. Taking a deep breath, she took a step towards her Shippo, the adorable little boy she considered to be her adoptive son. "Shippo…" she whispered when she was only a few steps away from him. "I understand that you're angry with me. You want me to stay." Shippo didn't even look at her. "Shippo…" Kagome closed her eyes. "I know you don't understand everything that's happened. The smell – "

"I understand," he snapped at her, and she flinched. When had he ever been this way? "I understand. The only thing that was keeping you here was Inuyasha!" Kagome gasped at this, but before she could answer, he went on. "It was always about Inuyasha, wasn't it? You've always been in love with him, and he's always turned to Kikyo! But when you say a word about not being his, he goes and runs off and gets himself killed!"

Kagome gasped. "Shippo! Inuyasha was not - "

"Not only that, but when Kouga comes to announce that he's dead, you all start trusting him, when he's the one who killed him!"

Sango and Miroku both audibly gasped at this, and Sango yelled, "Shippo, stop, right now!"

Kagome was silently looking at the kitsune, her eyes unreadable. Angrily, he went on, his tone getting higher with every word. "It was the night of the new moon a few days after he left!" Shippo said. "But he was so stubborn that he stayed alone that night. Kouga knew about the night of the new moon! Kouga was the one who killed him!"

Kagome's mind reeled with this new information. It had been the night of the new moon a few days after Inuyasha's disappearance. She had completely forgotten about that. "The new moon," she whispered.

"Yes!" Shippo yelled. "Kouga killed – "

He didn't have time to finish that sentence because Kagome interrupted him. "Kouga did not kill Inuyasha," she said. The kitsune glared at her, seething. "He did not kill Inuyasha," she whispered again. She looked straight into Shippo's eyes. "Shippo, Kouga did not kill Inuyasha." It was hurting her so much to say his name over and over, but she needed to convince the kitsune that Kouga was not a murderer.

Shippo growled at her. "It doesn't even matter," he yelled. "You're leaving anyway!" He stomped his feet on the ground, tears of frustration filling his eyes. He wiped them off angrily. "You were only staying because of him!"

Kagome closed her eyes. "Stop it," she commanded quietly. "Stop saying that."

Shippo wasn't done, though. "Admit it, Kagome! You were only staying because you were hoping that he'd forget about Kikyo! But even after her death he was too stupid to see what was right in front of him! You've always loved him, and he's never – "

The slap echoed throughout the woods. "I said, stop it." Shippo had stopped talking instantly. Kagome's strike had left everyone speechless. She'd never so much as yelled at him.

Kagome got up. This new information was too much for her. Of course, she'd always wondered what had killed her hanyou, but she'd been satisfied with the explanation that he'd been hurt, and unsuspecting, when the human man, Hadushi, had struck a final blow to his chest. If she tried to think about it calmly, she realized that Inuyasha would have never let himself be in a position of weakness without the excuse of turning human on the new moon.

But then, who would try to kill a human? It must have been someone who already wanted to kill Inuyasha. Someone who knew of his weakness. Who else but Kouga knew? Kagome didn't have much time to ponder this, though, because she suddenly gasped and turned to Kaede.

"Someone's approaching the barrier!" she yelled. She could feel it. Someone was walking towards her barrier. But… "It's not Kouga…" she whispered, terrified. If it wasn't Kouga, who could it be?

AN:

Don't kill me! Any guesses to who it is?

I'm currently writing the next chapter, so it'll be up very, very soon.

Amber, the next chapter will be dedicated to you, sorry. I wasn't expecting this one to be so long. You'll see in the next one! There's something that you were the only one to notice, and it'll be stronger in the next chapter…

This chapter is dedicated to kanamearamhagiL, or Steph, because your review was one of the nicest I've ever read. I hope I'm not disappointing you with this chapter. I'm not particularly in love with it.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone, give me some more!! :)