Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment
By Hoogiman

Disclaimer: Solid Snake is the property of Konami, and all other characters referenced are the property of Nintendo.

Chapter One
Snake, the Teacher

On Snake's Quest for Inner Fulfilment, he decides to take up the role of a major participant in life's humble everyday community: a teacher.

The school bell rung, which meant that it was time for the day's classes to commence. The children, who seemed to have conducted themselves in an orderly fashion into a straight line, marched into the classroom, and sat themselves down in their allocated desk.

"Ah," said the principal, a cheery pink puffball, "It seems that the class are eagerly awaiting their new teacher. I'll leave you to it!"

The principal, looking at the neatly assembled class, departed from the classroom.

"Good morning class," said Snake, in a fashion so cheerful it seemed almost out of character.

Said the class in unison, "Good morning-"

Silence shook the whole classroom. It seemed that the children had not yet been acquainted with the teacher.

"Just call me Snake," said Snake, in his usual low, growling sort of voice.

The children stared, in shock. A nervous child slowly raised his hand, trembling.

"B- but… S- S- Snake…" said the child, anxiously, "We normally call our teachers with a 'Mister' in front of their la- last name…"

"Well you're just going to have to start getting USED to it!" shouted Snake, banging his fist on the desk in front of him.

Snake noticed that all of the children were already deeply afraid of him. Trying to win back the class, he muttered, "Uh… sorry… I'm not really used to this teaching thing… uh… I was brought into the school at such a… peculiar time of year… what happened to your last teacher anyway?"

A young boy raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked Snake.

"Well… it was quite a tragedy…" said the young boy, sniffling, "She was abducted by an unidentified crazy gunman with a box over his head!"

Snake, suddenly alarmed, dashed out of the classroom, and closed the door behind him.

"Oh no," thought Snake to himself, "I didn't mean to… well… well if I want to achieve in this search for inner fulfilment, I must tell the class the truth about their teacher. A man who achieves fulfilment is not a dishonest man."

After collecting himself, Snake calmly walked back into the classroom.

"To tell you the truth, my class," said Snake, "Your teacher… your teacher is… your teacher is really… getting married… to a candy jellyfish… just getting… married! Yeah… she will be back soon! I promise!"

"Help!" said a muffled voice from Snake's abnormally large briefcase.

The class, shocked, stared at Snake.

"What's in the briefcase?" called out a young boy.

"Uh… not your teacher!" chuckled Snake, scratching his head.

"But I heard a noise!" said the boy.

"Well…" said Snake, "Uh… you can't ask anymore questions because you called out, and didn't raise your hand!"

"Well that was too easy," thought Snake to himself, "Those young'uns are so naive!"

Snake chuckled.

"Okay, anyway, can I have somebody give their talk on 'Frogs' to the class?" asked Snake, "Any volunteers?"

A nerdy-looking boy raised his arm confidently.

"Ah yes," said Snake, pointing at the boy, "Give us your talk."

The boy walked to the front of the classroom, bringing with him a large bulk of A4 sheets of paper. He stood still, staring Snake right in the eye.

"Start, you little freak!" said Snake, banging his fist on the desk.

"Uh… okay…" said the young boy, looking at his pieces of paper, "The frog is an amphibian in the order Anura, formerly referred to as Salientia. Adult frogs are categorised by long hind-"

"Stop," said Snake, impatiently.

The boy, grinning, looked at Snake. "So what mark do I get?" asked the boy eagerly.

Snake looked at the boy angrily, "Wow, for an eleven year old you are using some complicated words there…"

The boy grinned cheerily.

"In fact, I would even probably call you a gifted student!" said Snake in his over-sarcastic over-cheerful voice.

Snake snatched the papers.

"Frog, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia," read Snake, blankly.

The boy suddenly looked nervous.

"Why are you plagiarising from Wikipedia?" screamed Snake, "Do you know that's against the law?"

"Sorry!" sobbed the child.

"That's not good enough!" screamed a psychotic Snake, frothing from the mouth, grabbing the boy by his collar.

Half of the class laughed, while the other half gasped in fear.

Snake, still holding the child, walked outside. He walked up to a locker and with the strength of his bare fists, ripped a combination lock off, and emptied the contents of the locker. He stuffed the child in the locker, closed the door, pulled a combination lock from his pocket, and locked the child in the locker.

"Heh, that's what you get for plagiarising," said Snake, brushing his hands together.

Snake walked into a shocked Kirby, who was looking at him in a worried state.

"Uh… Snake…" chuckled Kirby, "I think we need to talk…"

Kirby showed Snake into his office, and sat him down on a rather large leather chair that seemed to have been taken from an aeroplane.

"Uh… Snake…" said Kirby, the principal, "You do realise what you have done, right? Well, that's… against the law… so…"

The police came in.

"Mister Solid Snake," said a policeman, "You are under arrest for three charges of assault, one charge of kidnapping and one charge of disrupting normal order."

"Well, a man who achieves inner fulfilment has to confront what crimes he has done," thought Snake to himself, just as the policeman were about to put handcuffs on him, "But also… a man who achieves inner fulfilment will stand up for what is right, and will not be a coward! And I'm not a coward! And how dare they call me Mister!"

Snake spontaneously elbowed the policeman in the face, jumped out of the window (breaking it), hijacked a car, and drove away.

"It seems that maybe being a role model to the community isn't quite a way to achieve inner fulfilment," thought Snake, putting his foot down on the acceleration pedal, "And I must keep being a good citizen and keep fighting for what is right!"

Snake rammed a car in front of him, because they were going too slow.

The End (of the chapter)

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