The SubWar is not fair at all. I don't have computer access (even without internet) at home and only for 40 minutes at school at the most every day, so all of my fics have to be written by hand during classes and at home and then typed during lunch period at school. I'm going hungry and my wrist hurts x.x;

Style-xx: 2
Zakuyoe: 3

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Diplomacy of the Middle Finger
On Stan's low self-esteem and the finger that totally turned him into a fag. ADD warning. StanCraig

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Uh...what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.

Anyone who knows me at all would tell you I have major self-esteem issues, and, I mean, yeah. I guess I do. It's probably true.

Okay. Like...ever since I was a kid, there were two people I really, really looked up to: Kyle and Shelly. Hey! Don't look so surprised. I wasn't a really manly kid, or anything, and Shelly was like the crazy-ass rebel punk I always kind of wanted to be. I don't know why I had to end up being the girly sibling.

The Kyle thing is totally obvious. He was always my super-best-friend and always way smarter than me. Like, even now, I never score anywhere near as much as he does on tests and stuff, and he's really way better than me at everything. Don't get me wrong; he's a cool dude – the coolest – but it sucks to have to be the average guy standing next to him and being not-special, especially now that he's so freaking tall and good at sports, too.

And, Jesus, dude – Wendy. It seriously did not help my self-esteem to be the kid who always puked on a girl he liked. Come on, that's the worst way to embarrass yourself. Who's ever even heard of something that retarded?! It sounds like something you'd only see in a cartoon.

Of course there is also Cartman calling me a pussy all the time, but...whatever. It's Cartman, dude.

Point is, I'd been growing up like a total pansy, pushed around by the world just because I'm not really bad or good at anything and I just don't really stand out.

So then one day in PE class, Craig and Token were team captains and picking teams, right? And, oh my freaking god – Craig picked me. First. You so should have seen everyone's faces when he chose me...coz, get this straight – I might've been pretty good at sports when I was a kid, but definitely not anymore.

And when Token gave him this look like, WTF dude? Craig just flipped him off and told him to shut his black ass up, then yelled at me to hurry the fuck up. So I did, you know?

And Kyle, the fifty-times more athletic of the two of us, just stared like he'd been hit in the face. He wasn't used to being beat, especially not by me. Damn, it felt good.

Later (I totally blew our chances of winning the dodgeball game just because I suck, but whatever) I asked Craig if there had been any reason he'd picked me first for his team and he'd just shrugged. It was then I realized he hadn't flipped me off for as long as I could remember, and I asked him about that but he only gave me this really weird look, like he'd just been caught stealing someone's underwear. Which he probably actually was, seeing as we were in the locker room and his hand was suspiciously in Clyde's gym locker and I knew he'd been peeved at Clyde all week. But again...whatever.

"I'm busy," he'd said.

I told him:

...Okay. See you around.

Yeah, I'm a total pussy. So?! Anyway, he still hadn't flipped me off.

And, okay, so I kind of got a little obsessed with him for a while because of that. Because, seriously, I'm not used to being a special case. Ever. At all. I'm like that guy everyone thinks the National Census dudes go to for their statistics because I'm just that average. But you know what? I watched him flip everyone the hell off (and then lie about it, which is actually freaking funny) and then I'd say something bold and he'd just look at me like I was so retarded he didn't have the heart to even raise his finger at me.

And so what if that was a messed up reason for me to be psyched out? And yeah, I was psyched out. I was totally psyched out that I was the only person, white or black, popular or not, girl or boy, that I hadn't seen him give the finger to.

I told Kyle about it and he'd given me this quiet smile like he knew something and the joke was on me.

I told Kenny about it and he'd blinked at me in what I guess might have been either understanding or boredom.

I told Cartman (yes, I freaking told Cartman) about it and he thought it was interesting, but didn't take it that seriously because he kind of called me a fag for thinking about it.

Dude, I totally didn't care if I was a fag. I was the only person Craig wouldn't flip off! Who gave a flip (heh) whether or not Cartman was calling me a fag? Besides, I kind of appreciated it, because I'd felt lonely since Cartman had sorta stopped calling me and Kyle names like that since Kyle became a player and our big friend kind of had to appease my super-best in order to get chances with all the girls who were (still are) after Kyle's 'hot ass.'

Yeah, but talking honestly for a sec? Kyle's ass really is pretty damn –

Well, wait. I should probably explain.

I kind of got more obsessed with Craig about that whole finger thing, which is pretty dumb of me now that I think about it, but you know. I sort of wanted to know why he didn't do it to me, even though it shouldn't have been that important it still seemed like something huge to me. You knowww. You know what they all say about curiosity. Actually, never mind...

Ehh...long and short of it is? Cause of this random anti-thing to the ideas I'd had about myself from that negative self-esteem, Craig so DID turn me into a fag.

Ahhhhh.

Me being all excited about this new revelation about myself (effed up, sure, but I was just excited to have something about me be not-so-normal anymore,) I'd found Craig as soon as I could and let him know, and he pretty much just gave me this huge, you-one-hella-dumbass grin and then walked away like he was busy and couldn't bother giving a shit that I had turned him into my boy-boner.

Ow, yeah, it hurt, and I was kind of down for the rest of the day, but then he's showed up at my place sometime after dinner and pretty much went What the hell, why not. Hey, it's about as romantic as two guys can get. SHOULD get. Really, I'm gay, but even I agree that two guys acting too much like a guy and a girl is not cool.

Anyway, so. This is going be borderline TMI, but...

...Sometime in the month after that day, he did use that freaking strong middle finger on me, and it was so totally worth it. You know? And I'm not talking about flipping me off, if you catch my drift, and goddamn, I swear to you I still have the limp to prove it. I am so freaking proud to be the only person, guy and girl, in the entire school who's limping because of one finger. Holy crap.

So yeah. Craig's freak middle finger has totally boosted my self-esteem. And...yeah, I know the basis of our relationship is completely effed up and not normal at all, but it's about time I wasn't mister Average.

Besides, I...really like him, and...he makes me feel good about myself, so you understand why my friends are happy for me (Cartman especially; he has a blast making fun of us) even though a middle finger is not the kind of thing you'd base a marriage or anything off of. But...you know what's the most important thing I learned from all this?

...Oh, goddammit, I just forgot what I was going to say.