Me: Live from the Xiaolin Temple, it's the Xiaolin News! The date is February 8, 2007!
With your anchorwoman, Kimiko Tohomiko!
Shows Kimiko, sitting at a news table in a pink pants suit. She shuffles her flowered paper.
Kimiko: Good evening. I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, with—
Me: I've already covered that.
Kimiko: Oh. Well, we're here live—
Me: I've gotten that too.
Kimiko: Well, alrighty then! I'm your anchor—
Me: For the love of Tom Cruise, just get on with the report!
Kimiko: Fine! Our top story today is of a tragic crash near the lair of Jack Spicer. With more on that, here's our field reporter, Raimundo Pedrosa. Raimundo?
Camera switches to Raimundo, outside a half-flaming fire.
Raimundo: Thanks, Kim. I'm here live at the "secret" lair of Jack Spicer, evil boy "genius". You can tell by my air quotes that it's a self-proclaimed name. Here's a young woman by the name of Katnappe who witnessed this devastating crash.
Gives microphone to Katnappe, whose cat suit is torn up and dirty.
Katnappe: Omigod, it was awful! Jacky….Jack….was flying one of his stupid air planess when suddenly, out of nowhere, this huge scaly monster thing came down on him! Both of them crashed into the building! It was terrible!
Raimundo: Now, are you dating alleged "Jack Spicer".
Katnappe: Why'd you put air quotes around Jack Spicer?
Raimundo: It's my shtick. Now, are you?
Katnappe: No!
Raimundo: Then why have we gotten numerous reports from witnesses of you two MAKING OUT!
Dum Dum Duuuuuum.
Katnappe: (stutters) that wasn't me!
Raimundo: We have two pieces of evidence saying that you DID! One: Who else would date Jack Spicer?
Katnappe: Good point.
Raimundo: Second: We have a video of you two doing the nasty deed!
Katnappe: Gasp!
Shows a video of Katnappe and Jack Spicer in his lair, making out like the Apocalypse was coming.
Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Katnappe: Well, I, er….
Me: Can we get not do this now!
Raimundo: Fine, don't have a cow, big mysterious voice! We'll drop the subject….for now.
Katnappe: Gulp.
Raimundo ditches Katnappe and walks up to the flaming front door of the crash scene.
Raimundo: Police say that the accident was "accidental", but others say that Spicer was attacked by a demon of the scaled persuasion. Here's our DojoCam with a bird's-eye view of the accident scene.
Zooms in with Dojo, in his big dragon form, hovering over the house.
Dojo: Thanks, Raimundo. Now, from what see here, they are ripping the roof off of the house, and you can see lots of burned-up stuff, some floor…Oooo, Cheese nips!
Me: (muttering) the people I work with…
Dojo: Oh my goodness! This is amazing! This is astounding! This is—
Kimiko: (camera suddenly switches back to her) Gonna have to wait, because it's time for our commercial break!
Me: What! We finally get somewhere with this report and you just—
Kimiko tosses her papers behind her, walks away, and they flip to a commercial about foot cream. Then a preview for season 4 of Xiaolin Showdown (hey, a person can dream). Then two on the Food Channel. Then they're back to the report.
Kimiko: Hello, and welcome back to the Xiaolin News! I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, and before we left, Dojo was about to tell us about the crash at the lair of Jack Spicer--
In the corner, a picture of Dojo appears. He's about to say something, but Kimiko interrupts him.
Kimiko: --but first, let's have a look at our weather man, Omi Crud! Omi?
Me: Oh, come on!
Flips to screen with Omi next to a map of China.
Omi: Thank you, Kimiko. Now, put on your Two-Ton Tunic and Shroud of Shadows, because you can expect rain, and lots of it! And why? Because the Orb of Toranami is on the blitz! Seriously, my friends, it is freaking in!
Me: (correcting) Out.
Omi: My goodness, what did I do! All I did was do my job! Oh, sweet mercy, don't fire me!
Me: I—
Back to Kimiko
Kimiko: Alrighty then! Now, as for Dojo—
Dojo: (suddenly flying in from nowhere and smashing himself next to Kimiko) Thank—
Kimiko: --He'll have to wait, because it's time for our Sports Report! With more on that, here's Clay Bailey! Clay?
Screen goes to Clay, outside a desert prairie. The land is all raised and gnarled behind him.
Clay: Thanks, Kim. Howdy, I'm here in good ol' Texas, where a Xiaolin Showdown is underway!
A ball comes shooting past him, making his hat fall off and fly away.
Clay: Woo-wee! That's some—what a second, give me my hat, you dang nard yellow-belly…
At Kimiko's desk
Kimiko: Well, okay! Finally, let's finish up by seeing what Dojo and that big mysterious floating voice was whining about!
At the house…
Dojo: THANK you! Now, what you are about to witness is not for the squeamish, pregnant, or anyone who plans on eating ever again! Well, here it is! And remember, I am not liable for any lawsuits!
Me: Finally!
The camera zooms in on a room in the house that is not engulfed in flames, and it shows—
Kimiko: (throwing more papers in the air) Oh my god!
Clay: (stops chasing his hat) Holy Texas!
Omi: (tries controlling Orb of Toranami, which is flying everywhere) Sweet ghost of Dashi!
Raimundo: (drops microphone) Sweet Nancy Mustard!
Katnappe: That cheater!
--Jack Spicer and Dyris the mermaid, in her pretty form, rolling around the room, making out.
Raimundo: Eew!
Kimiko: Nasty!
Omi: (pukes)
Clay: For once, I'm not hungry.
Kimiko: (covers mouth) Well….gulp….I guess that's….gag….it, oh I've gotta go!
Kimiko runs off and begins hour-long hurling session.
Me: Ah, karma. Well, that's all, folks! Adios! Ciao! Some other word for goodbye!