Title: Splitting Hairs
Summary: Kakashi gets Tenzou to drop his towel. Not nearly as sexy as it sounds.
Status: One-shot, Un-beta'd. Random.

Notes: Conceived by staring at the manga cover featuring Tenzou and the First for too long. Basically cheesy fluff. Used some fanon assumptions.

My portrayal of ANBU life is undoubtedly influenced by the Scarlet Spiral greatestjournal rp community, which I stalk whenever humanly possible, and so should you.

Rated T for running with scissors.

---

Splitting Hairs

Kakashi winced and sucked irritably at his weeping thumb.

Damned paper cuts, he could have used that blood for summoning.

The most infamous ninja in the whole of the hidden leaf was currently kneeling by the door of his tiny ANBU apartment, dressed in nothing but his mask and a rather draughty towel as he sifted through the mammoth pile of mail blocking his way inside.

And he was not amused.

The clerical ninjas within Konoha's secret service branch were particularly fastidious when it came to record keeping. Every time a window got washed or a cushion so much as plumped inside headquarters they filed a report about it, a report that was then forwarded to every agent in the building.
Some might find this excessive but really Kakashi understood their logic; when you took into account the level of paranoia and tendency towards knee jerk violence in your average ANBU member, pre-emptive action against any unnecessary surprises, however small, was a very sensible idea, and saved the village a fortune in smashed furniture bills.

But it also meant that a stack of largely redundant letters greeted Kakashi after. Every. Bloody. Mission.

Typically he ignored anything that wasn't emitting noxious gases (the guys up in research and development could be such show offs) but today he was actually expecting something important and so was being forced to endure the mound of bureaucratic vomit that was his own front doormat.

…was that envelope wiggling?

---

A lot of boring files and a few very disturbing 'samples' later, Kakashi got down to the very last letter, which turned out to be a note informing agents politely that there was no need to blow up any new chairs they came across on the second floor, as they were placed there by official staff and not, in fact, enemy ninja. He tossed it aside with a snort to glower at the now clear carpet.

Tenzou's mission report wasn't even there! All that non-porn related reading for nothing.

It had been almost three days since they returned from an undercover stint and his (freaky eyed) subordinate, usually so prompt with his paperwork, had yet to hand anything in. Moreover Kakashi realised he hadn't seen him once since they parted ways in the reception on arrival.

Captain? More like glorified babysitter. Hmph.

Kakashi got to his feet, utilizing several very secret and deadly ninja skills to keep his towel from falling off in the process, and went hunting about the dark recesses of his room for a clean uniform. Now he would have go and chase Tenzou down if he didn't want Intel on his back about late filing again... and knowing ANBU Intelligence as intimately as he did Kakashi really really didn't want that.

Tenzou was going to be very sorry for eating into his precious Icha Icha time when he got hold of him, oh yes.

---

Apartments at the top of the ANBU dorm building were considerably more spacious than the little hovel Kakashi was forced to squish himself (and occasionally eight loud mouthed ninja dogs) into. Tenzou's was in a particularly good spot, complete with balcony overlooking the forest and full eastern sun exposure. Jam-e.
Kakashi would have been more resentful of this if he wasn't aware Tenzou had been living inside the ANBU facility since he was two and he suspected no amount of plush living could distract from the fact you were growing up in a torture factory.

Still, the knowledge that Tenzou didn't have to share his showers with Aki 'wandering eyes' Fukuda did nothing to improve his mood as Kakashi stalked up to the man's door and wrapped out a tune on the freshly polished wood. Tch, the only time the janitors cleaned Kakashi's door was when he put someone's head through it.

From the room inside Kakashi felt a little flare of surprised chakra, then a very deliberate sort of silence.

His eye narrowed "Oi Tenzou, its Kakashi open up" he should be glad he even bothered knocking.. Doors only existed in a vague sort of metaphysical context for ninja after all.

Another flicker and some rustling. It took a couple of minute's impatient waiting before the other agent actually materialised, poking a towel-covered head out to blink at his superior.

"Oh Kakashi senpai, I'm a little busy right now.." he began with a brittle smile - but Kakashi had planted a shoulder against the door and shoved his way inside before he could finish.

"Don't worry Tenzou, I've got plenty of time," he said cheerfully as he took in the sight of the other agent's apartment.

It was a complete tip.

Tenzou's uniform had been abandoned at sporadic points across the floor along with his weapons and travel pack, creating a wiggly a trail to the bathroom. Through the open doorway Kakashi could see bloodied leg wrappings and a medic kit were similarly dumped on the tiles. In a corner Tenzou's bed sat unmade and coated in scrolls, more suited to a lazy college student than an elite shinobi.
The occupant himself was not doing much better, the be-towelled head was accompanied by a crumpled shirt and a pair of too-baggy sweat pants that looked older than he was.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Tenzou was pretty regimented about his appearance, another side affect of being raised in the belly of the ANBU beast no doubt, and though not as compulsive as some agents Kakashi knew it was still down right weird to see him in such disarray.

"Late night?" he inquired, poking gingerly at one of the nearby clothing heaps with a sandaled toe.

Tenzou coughed nervously from his position by the door. "You could say that" seeming to realise that Kakashi wasn't likely to grow some manners and leave he meandered across the floor and dropped down onto his bed (/scroll mound) with a yawn. "What can I do for you Senpai?"

But Kakashi had been entirely derailed from his original purpose by Tenzou's behaviour, something must have ruffled him good to cause such lax standards, and what was with that towel? From the smell of him Tenzou hadn't bathed any time recently (Ick) and Kakashi was pretty sure it wasn't the latest Konoha fashion trend to go wandering around with bathroom supplies on your head.

And while the mission report might be put on hold revenge was still very much a go go.

Kakashi padded closer, peering down at the younger man in what probably looked like polite interest. It wasn't.

"Lost your headband or something?" he tugged lightly at a corner of the towel as he spoke.

Tenzou's hands clenched reflexively over the cloth. "No"

Chatty today eh?

"Why do you have this on your head then?" Kakashi wondered, all innocence.

"No reason Senpai" Tenzou looked very shifty, even by shinobi standards.

"Well it's hardly appropriate while addressing your captain don't you think?" Kakashi persisted, giving the man a stern look and inwardly cackling at his stricken expression.

A Pause for effect. "Take it off"

"Ah..but.." Tenzou faltered, probably running up possible excuses, but when he met Kakashi's eye he seemed to sense the futility of this. Can't kid a kidder.

"Fine" his head slumped "It's only temporary, I'll have it fixed by tomorrow.."

Tenzou let his hands drop, allowing Kakashi to pull the towel away.

He knew it was wrong to laugh at a comrade's misfortune but damn what had the moron done to himself.

Tenzou was somewhat renowned among his fellow ANBU for his striking sheet of shoulder length black hair, as it was in much better condition than most of the female agent's and always seemed to fall about his face in an effortlessly stylish manor even in battle, not that Kakashi had been paying special attention or anything - and besides it tended to swoosh a lot more than was necessary if you asked him.

But today it was striking for a very different reason.

The left side still looked like it belonged in some tacky shampoo commercial, but the right would have been more at home advertising hedge strimmers. It made Kakashi's hairdo look positively normal.

"..Trying out a new look were you?" Kakashi managed, pressing a fist to his mouth in what he hoped looked like a pensive gesture, rather than an attempt to stifle his snigger.

Tenzou hid his face in his hands, leaning forward to rest elbows on his knees "well I think I had a little bit too much to drink.." he nodded towards the small kitchen area of the apartment where a large stack of sake bottles could be seen rising out of the sink. "And I suppose I just felt like a change, only.."

"Only scissors are harder to use when you're smashed?" Kakashi offered helpfully.

Tenzou glared up from between his fingers "Yes. They are"

"Well it's certainly an original look.." Kakashi admitted "I don't think I've seen one quite like that before"

"You're mocking me senpai"

"No really, you look great, you should go downstairs and show it off right now, I think the others will love it"

"I'm going to ask Yuugao-san to even it up for me when she gets in" Tenzou muttered in the direction of his feet.

Ping. Evil Kakashi thought number two thousand six hundred and seventy four. (-quite possibly a daily count)

"Why wait? I'm here now"

"Excuse me?"

"I can cut it for you" Kakashi's happy eye crease didn't seem to reassure Tenzou much.

"No thank you" he said tartly before grumbling in an aside that probably wasn't meant for Kakashi to hear "Like I really want help from someone who looks like they've just undergone electro shock treatment"

The copy ninja's visible eye glittered. Ping. Ping. Ping.

"Fine.. just a suggestion" he said shrugging. The picture of nonchalance, Kakashi turned, eye sweeping the apartment once more as Tenzou continued to demonstrate a vested interest in his own toes.
Aha, as suspected the scissors that he must have used to hack off half his hair were still sitting on the nightstand only a few feet out of reach. However Tenzou was not a shinobi for nothing and, sensing danger, looked up and followed Kakashi's gaze to the scissors.

For a moment they were both completely still, staring at the suddenly glaring object.

Then, as one, they dived.

Tenzou leapt forward off the bed reaching desperately, but in speed he could never out strip Kakashi and his hand closed on thin air as he stumbled and gripped the draw handle with his other for support, slipping completely onto the floor as he went.

Again there came a loaded pause where Tenzou's eyes stayed determinately on the wood in front of him. Then very slowly, forbiddingly, they lifted to take in the beaming face of his Senpai, scissors twirling in hand.

"Hmm, I'm not really sure if the 'electro shocked' look would work for you Tenzou, so we'll just have to experiment won't we?" Kakashi said, making sure he added a nice little twist of hysteria to his tone.

"You wouldn't" Tenzou choked, shuffling backwards until he bumped into the edge of his bed.

Even with the mask on it was obvious that Kakashi's grin was stretching into something manic.

Tenzou made a dash for safety, jumping up in the direction of the door but was easily intercepted by Kakashi and soon found himself face down on the unmade bed, his arms pinned down on either side by Kakashi's (rather bony) knees.

"Senpai!" Tenzou hissed, attempting to twist around and glare at his captain but apparently finding the angle rather painful "what do you think you're doing! Get off me!"

"That's just what my last date said" Kakashi sighed from his perch on Tenzou's back, trying to decide which bits to chop off first.

"..I hope you're joking" Tenzou said darkly, sounding scandalized on the other person's behalf.

"Hm yes you're right - they didn't object as it happens, and I would stop squirming if I were you or I might take an ear off by mistake" Kakashi chided, tapping the top of Tenzou's head with the handle of his pilfered scissors.

"You.. I.. Its..!" Tenzou blustered helplessly, but he did stop moving at the warning, obviously valuing his appendages. "This is definitely some kind of assault Senpai" he said at last in more subdued tones.

"You're only saying that because you lost" Kakashi said happily as he lifted up the un-mutilated side of Tenzou's hair in one hand to start work.

"How on earth was I supposed to 'win' ? I- hey wait, wait!" Tenzou squawked in alarm at his movement.

"Yes?" Kakashi asked politely, scissors paused inches away from his goal.

Tenzou let out a frustrated sigh "If you really have to turn me into a walking pineapple at least let me sit up so you can get it symmetrical" he mumbled into the pillow.

Kakashi blinked in surprise. Giving up already? "I don't know" he said slowly "you can be pretty sly, with your hands free you might try something funny"

Tenzou gave him a sideways look that seemed to indicate Kakashi wasn't exactly one to talk.

"Hmm well I suppose I could bind them with chakra cord to be safe.." He pondered patting at his weapons pouch.

"And I could splinter your good eyeball out of its socket" Tenzou reminded him, the visible part of his face suddenly shadowed in a way that really shouldn't be possible in such a well-lit room.

"Trying to look cute won't help" Kakashi said airily. After working with Tenzou for a couple of months he had become mostly immune to the strange aura of doom that descended whenever he was annoyed (Probably because anyone working with Kakashi was annoyed virtually all the time) and could look on it now with minimal terror. Oh yeah that reminded him.. "At this rate I'm going to get strung up in the basements because of you"

"Really?" Tenzou brightened a little "Why is that?"

"Such compassion" Kakashi sniffed "Well because I suppose you were too busy beautifying yourself to remember the more trivial things like mission reports?"

"….Oh crap"

Sigh.

"I can't believe I forgot about it" Tenzou muttered distractedly "When I got in from the meeting I just- damn, I'm so sorry Senpai, I'll do it right now!"

Kakashi reluctantly rolled to one side and sat crossed legged on the bed as Tenzou leapt up and started frantically sifting through the clutter, presumably in search of writing supplies.

"Damn Damn Damn"

"You had a meeting?" Kakashi asked, pretending to inspect his fingernails.

"Mm summoned as soon as we got in" Tenzou's voice came from somewhere under his coffee table "Aha!" he emerged brandishing a brush and inkbottle triumphantly. "Now where did those blank scrolls go.."

Kakashi eyed Tenzou closely as he began to pull yet more junk down from the cupboards. "…A council review?"

"What else"

Ah. Well that explained the odd behaviour.

"Danzou still wants to have you dissected does he?"

Tenzou gave a derisive snort "He's stopped suggesting it outright but I'm sure if it were up to him I'd be pickled by tomorrow"

"Hmm at least you'd get to keep all your organs in one place" Kakashi said absently, thinking of the veteran ANBU's disquieting interest in his Sharingan eye, or rather who had dibs in the event of his death. He would probably end up playing tug of war with the Uchiha boy over Kakashi's mangled corpse, once they both finished jumping for joy that is.

".. And besides the rest of them don't seem to mind you so much now" he added in an afterthought.

"Apparently they do mind. I've been put under restriction again" Tenzou said shortly. He still had his back to Kakashi and had stopped his search efforts completely, opting instead to simply stare at the wall, shoulders held very stiff.

Kakashi hummed disapprovingly. You would think that after so many years of service the governing ninja might have realised Tenzou wasn't likely to be a spy for Orochimaru, especially since a) he had never really met the man in any practical sense, b) was more likely to hate him for his actions than join him and c) Kakashi doubted even Ibiki could have conditioned new borns to work as undercover agents.

Yet half of the council still viewed Tenzou as some sort of ticking time bomb which the renegade sannin might set off at any moment, feeling the need to keep a suffocatingly close eye on him as a result.

These 'progress checks' had been lessening a little since his formal admission in ANBU - the council correctly assumed they could rely on Kakashi to take Tenzou down if he showed so much as a sliver of disloyalty - but perhaps their renewed anxiety was due to his recent complete mastery of the Mokuton jutsu.. and of course his growing psychical resemblance to the First Hokage.

Being constantly reminded of his potential power, and its unnatural source, put even the most seasoned shinobi on edge it seemed.

Was that why he had suddenly got urge to go DIY (or rather DOA) on his hair?

"It's not even like being in someone's shadow.." Tenzou muttered, as if following Kakashi's train of thought "I am a shadow"

Kakashi hated the way his chest constricted with an unavoidable empathy at those words, and he knew the Third would have been banking on such a response when he assigned Tenzou to his squad, sneaky old bastard.

"'Though your skills will never match up to those of Shodaime-sama, they are of a sufficiently advanced level to warrant our concern' " Tenzou quoted bitterly "They talk like its already pre-decided how I will turn out"

'what if its true' was the unspoken question in his voice.

Oh boy, how had Sensei ever managed to put up with the tormented soul routine?

"Mah, the First was supposed to be one of the most gracious and benevolent rulers Konoha ever had. The whole village loved him" he told the younger man, resisting the urge to fiddle with the edge of his mask that always arose in uncomfortable social situations.

"You're saying I should be grateful to be compared with him?" Tenzou sighed.

"No I'm saying you're a cynical, sanctimonious little shit" Kakashi continued "Nothing like the First at all"

"W-wa?" Tenzou balked.

There was a little pause

"Thanks a lot". His tone was dry as Tenzou finally turned to face Kakashi but there was a ghost of a smile playing across his lips. "You'd make a lousy agony aunt you know that Senpai?"

"Of course, people would be too preoccupied with my good looks to take in the advice" Kakashi sighed regretfully. "By the way: the blank scrolls are on the top left hand side of your bookcase"

Tenzou turned and saw that they were indeed sitting rather obviously on the shelf with the rest of his stationary collection (the bits that weren't scattered on the bed that is) Kakashi had spotted this quite a while ago but thought it would be rude to point them out - Tenzou was having so much fun digging around in the mess.

"…" Tenzou strode over and snatched them up before returning to the bed and sitting down directly in front of Kakashi, looking back expectantly over his shoulder.

"Well?"

"What?" Kakashi gave him a blank stare.

"Aren't you going to fix my hair? A style that reflects my obnoxious personality prehaps?" Tenzou asked idly as he arranged a scroll on his lap and pulled open the inkbottle with a small pop.

"Ah…" Kakashi smiled a little. Tenzou might not have the stupid grin or noisy manner.. but he definitely had the same hopelessly devoted sensibilities, however much he tried to hide it.

"…I know one that might work"

Kakashi began to slice the long strands off into spiky tufts as Tenzou finally filled out his mission report.