"What are you doing?"

"Reading."

"I can see that, Harry. But what are you reading?"

"One of Sirius's old Dark Arts books."

"HARRY! They are…"

"Helpful."

"But…"

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think I deserve a normal childhood?"

"Of course, Harry."

"Do you know it's only a little over a year before my childhood is over?"

"True."

"Do you think I've had a happy childhood?"

"No – not really. I hope you consider the times the three of us had as happy, though."

"Certainly. But. The Dursleys. Voldemort."

"That doesn't qualify as a happy childhood, I agree."

"So I think we can safely conclude I have not had a happy childhood, and there's no way I can have one."

"Point taken."

"Yet I have a Dark Lord I'm supposed to defeat."

"I wish you hadn't."

"Nevertheless, I do. Dumbledore…"

"PROFESSOR Dumbledore…"

"Dumbledore feels I need no training to do so. He just wants me to be happy and dance up to Voldemort one day, stick a wand up his nose and defeat him."

"That's a gross exaggeration, Harry."

"Perhaps a little, but not much, mind you. So I decided I need help training."

"I'm sure there are several Order members…"

"The Order is hardly effective. Mad – Eye is the best of the lot, and he's more paranoid than a Russian triple spy during the cold war."

"It's not paranoia when they're really out to kill you."

"I'm not paranoid."

"Well…"

"Hermione…"

"Oh alright, you're not. That still doesn't explain why you need a book on Summoning rituals."

"I'm glad you asked. Let me explain…"

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"..so I think that the combining of the reversed Summoning Ritual with a Time Turner should allow us to go back to, say, the time of the Founders. If anyone can help us train, it would be them. Harry, are you listening to me?"

"I am, Hermione. I am contemplating the wisdom of you and Ron accompanying me."

"Such big words. Of course we are coming with you."

"It'll be dangerous."

"Oh. And getting the Philosopher's Stone wasn't? Going after a full-grown Basilisk at age twelve was an outing to the playground? A hundred Dementors and a werewolf on our backs were a piece of cake? Fighting the Death Eaters at the Ministry was a holiday trip?"

"Al right, no need to get sarcastic. I get enough of that from Snape. So Ron will come too?"

"Of course, I already asked him. I told him we were going to do something dangerous and unprecedented to help you train, and he insisted he had to come. As long as we did the research."

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"Blimey, mate, you and 'Mione really put some thought into this, didn't you?"

The ritual area, the Chamber of Secrets, looked impeccable and impressive. The three of the stood on the points of a large triangle on the floor.

"Do you really think we won't get in trouble for this?"

"If all goes well, no one will ever notice, Ron. We could stay away for years and years and still come back at this exact moment. That's what the Time Turner part of the ritual is for."

"Oh. Alright. Ritual away, then."

Three teenagers landed with a loud THUD in a surprisingly modern-looking city.

"Er…I think we did something wrong," Harry muttered, rubbing his sore head. Sore, but not Voldemort-sore. The pain from his scar was substantially lessened.

"I'd say so," Ron scrambled to his feet, "I don't think we're in England anymore."

Hermione groaned. "We're in Kansas," she pointed at a sign that said "Welcome to Topeka."

"Oh no." Harry looked around defeated. "Now what are we going to do?"

Hermione picked up a newspaper, gasped, and handed it to Ron. "Bloody hell," the redhead swore, "we've doubled ourselves. We're six years old!"

Harry sat down by the side of the road, his head in his hands. "We're screwed."

"Maybe not entirely," Hermione studied the paper, "look."

There was a tiny ad near the bottom of the page. No number or address was listed, just one sentence.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team