-- The Colossal Comedy of Clichés --
Disclaimer:The characters belong to J. K. Rowling, the insanity belongs to me, and I don't know who all of the cliché ideas belong to! After all, almost everyone uses them.
Note: If you haven't read a vast amount of Remus\Sirius and several James\Lily fan works this parody shall not make much sense. I've perused and composed an abundance of them, for they are my favourite pairings, so rest assured that I am not making fun of them because I dislike them.
Please, don't be offended if I joke about a concept that you've worked with, for even I have applied some of them to fics…Not many, I admit, but a couple.
I put forth immense effort to have this be as "unoriginal" as could be achieved. Consequently, after I transcribed the apologue I, a linguistic perfectionist, edited it to include common grammatical and spelling errors that others make. It caused me great pain to do, however, I felt it was necessary in order for this work to be as good as possible. Or, more to the point, as NOT good as possible. Anyway, any mistakes that you are astute enough to recognise are not my inaccuracies, but those of others that I am doing the spoof on.
1 – A Typical Beginning or Feelings Revealed
Lilly and Petunia Evans were sisters whose parents are gardeners or flourists or something-else-related-to-plants which is why they both were named after flowers. One day the horse-faced sister was mercilessly teasing the younger girl. Lilly is awkward-looking as a child yet she will become unbearably sexy as a adult. When a owl arrived with a letter from Hogwarts for the redhead, which she and her shrubbery-obsessed parents readily believed existed, Petunia is riddikulus-ly envious of the magic even though she despises abnormal qualities. That totally makes sense, doesn't it?
That same day James Potter is playing Quidich with Sirius Black, who he somehow has already met. After all the Blacks would be ESTATIC to suggest that there heir befriend the member of a blood traitor family. Both attractive mischeivous boys are extremely talented flyers. James played the sport, ergo there's no way Sirius didn't play it too, rite? Completely shocking the readers, owls show up with Hogwarts letters. James acts arrogant and unsurprised that they were accepted, and Sirius is all worried he'll be sorted into Slythoren. This is odd since in the future when conversing with Harry he is adamant about always having had a problem with his families customs and not believing himself to be anything like them.
Sirius and Jimmy go to Diagonally to purchase there school supplies. Jimmy is James's nickname; all people named James are obviously called Jimmy. In Diagonally they encounter a quiet boy that they become fond of instantly. It turns out that his name is Remus Lupine. He and Sirius make eye contact and feel this wierd connection.
None of these incidents surve any purpose due to the aspect that they won't be refered to again at any point throughout the story.
- - - - -
We've fastforwarded to 7th year. Big leap, eh?
Remus is in the libary reading because he's quiet and not aloud to have a social life. Lilly, the only girl that attends Hogwarts besides Sirius's sluts, somehow looks outragously gorgeous though she's wearing a uniform like everyone else. She approaches the boy and he is nearly to shy to speek to her. "Lilly what are you doing here?"
"Don't you know? Despite the fact that I hate your friend who stalks me, you and I are close friends".
"Sorry I forgot. You see I was to busy thinking about Sirius".
"What about him?"
"I'm in love with him. Im a hormonal, misunderstood teenage werwolf yet throughout all of my complex life I've never been attracted to anyone else. Everyone knows that I've fallen for him except Peter, who is to stupid to notice anything, and Sirius himself. Of course I don't know that everybody knows".
"I'm sorry your love life is a mess. Mine is to".
"I'm always sensitive and understanding so you can tell me about it".
"I never liked Potter but now that were Head Boy and Head Girl, and for no other reason, my entire opinion of him is starting to change".
"He's really great. It was his idea for the Marauders to become animagi for me. Its super advanced magic and noone ever explanes how they managed it".
"Wow he does sound wonderful! Maybe I'll give him a chance now. Dumbledoor must've known what he was doing when he gave us our positions. Not only is he a brilliant wizard, he's a fantastic match-maker".
- - - - -
Sirius came out of the closet (no pun intended) with a girl who had been thoroughly shagged. JKR's account of event indicates that he is oblivious to girls's attraction to him, but who cares? As she skipped away giggling Dumbledoor appeared out of nowhere.
"Sirius when are you going to stop this gallivanting about and realise your true feelings?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You are so full of love".
"Huh?"
"Please let me talk about love. I really enjoy discussing it and until Harry's born I don't get much of a chance to".
"Alright, but afterwards I've gotta play a prank. I won't study 'cause I'm not supposed to like learning".
"Of course." The headmaster doesn't bother to attempt to inforce school protocol. "There are things I have observed – insert wisdom here – and I hope you will think about what I have said".
Sirius runs back to Griffendor Tower, pranks forgotten, coming to a shocking revelation: He spent many many MANY years screwing girls however he suddenly perceived that he's not bisexual, but gay, and that he is in love with one of his best friends.
"Hiya Padfoot! Wanna play a round of exploding snap?" asked Peter when Sirius entered.
"Don't talk to me".
"Why not?"
"You're not allowed to make any suggestions, or have dialog, or possess any indication of intelligence whatsoever since your going to betray us, even though the whole reason the treachery works is because we trust you".
"But - "
Jimmy agrees "You'd better stop talking; you just made Padfoot use a lot of big words to explain that stuff to you, and only Moonie has permission to do that".
"I just – "
"Shut up!" exclaimed Jimmy and Sirius in unison because what's a fan fiction if James and Sirius don't speak in unison? "Go to the kitchens and shove food in your fat face or disappear secretly. We won't notice, and if my some strange turn of events we do, we won't suspect you're spending time with Slythorens. We promise!"
Bewildered, Peter departs.
"So…Do you want to play exploding snap?" Jimmy queried.
"NO!" Sirius dramatically flings himself onto his crimson and gold four-poster.
"How about Quidich or wizard chess then?"
"Ive just made a life-changing discovery and the only things you can think about are games?"
"Yeah." Jimmy shrugged. "I'd offer to listen to your problems, but in romance stories everyone forgets that were best mates, so we barely talk to one another and become obsessed with our love interests".
"In that case you aught to find Lilly. I'm going to sleep".
"With someone?"
"Normally I would, but this is one of those times when the author has me do something random without explaining why ".
Jimmy nodded and heads towards the door. "See you later".
"May the force be with you".
"May your wand stay magical".
"May your dick stay hard."
"May…I go?"
"I figured you were leaving before."
"I was, but even if we don't have the strong friendship that we're meant to we still had to do a witty banter." Considering the interesting exchange from the previous moment witty, Jimmy exits.
Once alone, Sirius immediately fell asleep and began to have nightmare about his family to horrible to describe, so I won't.
That was how Remus found him: sweating and screaming in his sleep. Being the overly compassionate person that he is, Remus went over to him and held him murmmuring quietly, "Sirius. Siri, it's okay."
Sirius wakens and thinks that he's in the arms of a beautiful shining angel or a divine sparkling spirit or some other sort of glowing holy being. All logical readers are aware that such a glossy look to someone's skin would probably indicate that they had been exposed to nuclear radiation. "Moonie?"
"Yes I'm here, and no matter what happens I'll always be here for you." Remus said innocently not at all speculating how obvious that statement makes his affection.
"I know you will…Hey, let's get drunk!"
Ever-responsible Remus demonstrates his inspiring vocabulary as he answer, "I maintain a copious quantity of misgivings at the pansophy of that inclination." Nevertheless, the werwolf caves in since he is never able to refuse Sirius.
All wizards seem to only swig firewhiskey, so after they've consumed an entire bottle of it that Sirius happens to have in his trunk, Sirius says "I have to tell you something and I didn't have the ability to express myself to you while I was sober in spite of the books proving I'm the most reckless Marauder. Moonie I love you. I found out barely more than a few hours ago, but I don't need any time to come to terms with it 'cause it just feels right to tell you."
"O Sirius I feel the same way!" The canines have sex, not caring that they declared their infatuations a mere seconds before. Remus was a virgin, however, he is somehow amazing at lovemaking and not nervous in the least.