I want to thank the reviewers of this fic. It's a South Park fic! Crack pairings are fun.

XXxI am the crack!pairing fuzzy alpaca. Rawr.XXx

Cat Rain. kyolovestomato. Donna of the Grey.

It doesn't matter.

Review.

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Hello, I'm Kenny McCormick, world's biggest sexaholic. It's nothing to be proud of, but I don't care. Fucking girls left and right it just something that I do. I guess that just started after that blast of puberty, or the fact that I entered high school and hearing everyone's little sexcapades made me interested. Though I can't say I've ever been on the innocent side of the family. Leave it to my father to leave "Playboy" magazines discarded about the house during my childhood.

So I can't say anything in my defense if confronted. However, my interest in sex with all those girls has been waning. Sadly. Ever since that stupid blonde twitching freak decided to waltz into my life.

It is beyond me why the teacher would pair me up with that little disgrace to human kind. I mean, I used to get along with him. That is, until my three friends decided to replace me with him when I was gone for a while. Pissed me of, it did. Okay, okay, I never got along with him. I lied. He was always twitching and freaking out, and that greatly annoyed me. There. Happy with the truth?

And here I am, wondering what I did to deserve this. Is it from fucking all those girls? That brunette sleeping next to me certainly doesn't know and I doubt she could tell me. All she's good for is moaning. And fucking.

I light up a cigarette and instantly inhale some of that smoke, before letting it out in a couple of swirls. God, I hate smoking sometimes. It fucking smells bad, but it's so addicting. I turn to look at the sleeping girl next to me. I wonder what she's dreaming. Probably of the next guy she wants to sleep with. And it's not Tweek.

I want to suffocate myself with the pillow. Why am I stuck with him? He's never calm and moving around, though the twitching is less persistent. I swear, I would definitely love nothing more than to punch him sometimes. Maybe he'd faint and be still.

I smirk at the thought. It's possible. I'd sure like that.

Tossing the cigarette out the open window, I leaned over the brunette and get my jacket. She turns slowly and opens her eyes. "Mmm, lie down Kenny." She takes her hand and pats the space next to her. I scoff. One rule about one night stands I have: I don't stay the night with whatever girl I decide to fuck.

"I gotta get home," I say, "My old man will kill me if I stay out late."

It's barely eleven, but I don't care. That girl is stupid, she won't notice the clock. And she sure as hell doesn't put up a fight. She just sighs in defeat and turns away. "Okay."

That could have gone better. She wasn't as good as I thought she would be. I light up another cigarette and take a long drag. This night sucked. Especially since I have school tomorrow, and that's when I'll see my favorite little blonde; which by the way, I want to choke to death. If only he was more prone to accidents as I was when I was young.

I toss the cigarette in the snow and pull the jacket closer to my body. It's cold. And tomorrow will be worse. Weather wise and Kenny wise. I can last though. It's only Tweek. And I just have to spend three weeks with him. How worse could that be?

I doubt he wants to be with me though. I mean, I generally pick on the guy. For harmless fun if nothing more; really. He's probably at home cutting himself and hugging his teddy bear.

I enter my house and my mother is there waiting in the living room. She turns and glares at me, crossing her arms and letting her cig hand limply between two skinny fingers. "An' where the hell were you, Kenny?"

I scoff. It's none of her fucking business what I do and where I go. If anyone, she should be focused on that dumbass Kevin, who's more of an idiot than I'll ever be. I just smirk at her. "I was out with my friends."

"You fuckin' liar!" She scolds, "I called your friends' houses and you weren' there!"

I glared at her coldly. She called Stan, Kyle, and Cartman's mothers? As if they are the only friends I have? What the fuck?

"No, I wasn't with them. I was with . . . Clyde." I say the first name that came to mind. No doubt he's somewhere fucking that stupid whore Bebe. "And anyway, should you be worried about where Dad is?"

She laughs. She actually fucking laughs! "That bastard father of yours s' probably out somewhere gettin' drunk."

I go to my room and lock the door. I bet he is, and probably fucking some whore down town. It doesn't help that he actually got a good paying job. That son of bitch couldn't give a shit.

I toss myself into the bed and am surprised at how soft the covers are. They even smell good, as opposed to when I was younger and just had the stench of human sewage, or the dumpster. Which ever was more pleasant to the ears (or nose). And even though my life still sucks, I can't get over the fact that tomorrow will be even worse.

XxX

It is morning and time for school. My mom is banging loudly on the door and swearing; beckoning me to wake the hell up. I throw my clock at the door in response and it shatters. "I'm awake!" I scream.

"The hell did you break, boy?" She shouts from the other side.

Bitch. "Nothing!" I shout back at her and grumpily get off my bed. What a great fucking way to start the day! And I head to my closet, only to find out my pants are fucking dirty.

I run into Kevin's room. It smells of marijuana and other drugs. Always has. He's the big drug addict in the family, and his habit it surely more fucked than mine. Not to mention he fucks more girls in a day than I do in a week. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and get his pants. His fag pants. You know the ones that are super tight and show your ass real fine? Yeah, those. Exactly the types of pants Tweek wears all the time. I shiver at the reminder of the blonde.

Soon, we're all waiting for the fucking bus. It's late as usual. That fat driver is always late. He makes pit stops to McDonalds and Burger King for breakfast. Today, it's Burger King. He's drinking coffee out of a trademark cup and is glaring at us all.

"Come on, youse all. I ain't getting any younger." He barks angrily and presses the horn rather roughly. The sound blasts angrily through the silent road and I smirk. "You sure as hell ain't." I inform him before taking my seat next to Cartman. He is eating a doughnut and seeing as how I skipped breakfast at home, I lean closer to him.

"Can I have some?" I ask. He turns to look at me with disbelief in his eyes before turning to look back at the chocolate doughnut that resides in his hand. Cartman eyes it thoughtfully and smiles. He turns to me. "No, Kenny."

"Why not?" I whine, in perfect imitation of his voice.

"It's because you can buy one." He simply states.

What. A. Dick! First he wouldn't give any 'cause I was poor and now he's pulling this "you can afford it" bullshit? I kick him in the leg and he yelps.

"Aye! What the fuck is wrong with you?" Cartman shouts and I laugh. Kicking him is worth it, even if I can't have a piece of chocolate doughnut.

"You want it that bad, huh?" Cartman glares at me. "Fine!" He holds it out and I blink, staring at him. He is lying . . . right? I reach for it and he chucks it out the window. I kick him again ("Aye!") and spot Stan and Kyle two seats behind us. I'd rather sit with them.

I walk over to them, despite the protests of the fat bus driver, and sit on Stan's lap. He practically jumps in surprise and yelps, "What the hell, Kenny?" I turn to look at my favorite little red head. Kyle is staring back, just as surprised.

"Aw, I thought you loved me, St-an-ley!" I giggle and lean back, pressing my head on his shoulder. "Cartman's being a dick. I thought you'd be happy if I was here." I give him puppy eyes and he laughs.

"Hey, you faggots! Cut it out!" The bus driver yells and we all laugh, with the exception of Cartman, who agrees with him and begins to mock us. I don't really care about the comments since I'm bi, but I'm pretty sure Stan does. He's as straight as a pole.

"Okay, Kenny, get off before Wendy gets on the bus, or I'm dead." Stan taps my shoulder and I roll my eyes. Yes, Stan's totally hot and yet annoying girlfriend. How could I have forgotten? I shake my head. "No, I'd like to see what happens." I stretch my legs in front of me and set them on top of the seat in front of us. They crash into Butters' head.

"O-Ow! Hey, that's not very . . . very nice." Butters snapped and rubbed the back of his head. "Ah, sorry, I think I got your hair dirty." I reply and Butters is immediately looking in his bag for a brush.

That's the thing about Butters. His hair. No one can get it dirty or the poor boy will hyperventilate and freak out. He'll actually faint if he can't find his brush and a good can of strawberry scented hair spray.

We watch as he sprays his hair frantically and passes the brush through his hair. It's enough to makes us laugh, had not the bus stopped and picked up more students; Wendy amongst them. Kyle and Stan share a look of dread and I roll my eyes. Wendy pauses and glares at me.

"Move," She says coldly.

I grin, and give Stan a quick kiss on the cheek and she glares at me murderously. I pretend to moan and run my fingers through his hair. He shifts uncomfortably under me. "Maybe later, Stan." I wink and I go back to sit down with Cartman.

"You damn slut!" Wendy shrieks and I blow her a kiss. She's hot even though she's insulting me. Besides it's the truth.

XxX

It's lunch and there he is. Sitting on our table; OUR table. Who? Tweek, damnit! He's sitting next to Stan and having a conversation with him. I blink and Kyle blinks and we stare at each other. I thought Stan didn't like him very much.

"Aye, fuck no! I'm not sitting next to the Twitch!" Cartman snarls and takes his tray and sits next to Craig; world's greatest emo fag. Well, I can't very easily say that about him, since my clothes resemble his . . . but still.

"He's gone insane." Kyle sighed. I disagree. More like super fucking postal. We make our way to the table and sit down. I look longingly at the table Cartman is sitting at. It seems way better, and Craig isn't so bad. In fact, he's a good fuck.

"Hey." I say, noticing that he's in my seat. As soon as we leave, I'm slapping Stan. I swear. I'm not happy even having Tweek in my presence.

"AH! OH GOD!" Tweek shrieks and flails his hands wildly, causing his food to fly into the air and right into my clothes and face. I swear under my breath and glare at him coldly.

"I'm sorry!" he yelps and brings his napkin to my face and I snatch it away, wiping my face. "It's okay." I grit out, "I'm fine."

And this is why I hate Tweek. This isn't the first time he's caused food to fly into me. Maybe if he stopped being such a paranoid little fucker and laid off the coffee he'd have more friends and he'd be more pleasant to have around.

The bell rings and the dreaded period is next. Of course, I'm talking about History. History Project, here I come. Three weeks with Tweek, here I am! And sure, that sounds enthusiastic, but am I really? No, I'm not.

I want to kill myself.

Tweek is twitching and glancing at me nervously. I look at him indifferently. Like I could really care that is afraid of me. That's what I want. Maybe he'll tell the teacher and he'll change us. I shrug. Either way, he's such a loser. At least Kyle and Stan got each other and (even though Wendy was totally bitching about it) they don't hate each other, so they are fine off.

"Alright, students," Mrs. Harrison begins and clicks her tongue. I wince. That sound is very, very annoying. "We will now begin part of our History Project, so you'll have at least one idea of what to do."

Everyone groans. However, Mrs. Harrison only smiles. "Now, come on," she states, "Go sit with your little partners and whatnot."

I hastily pick up my things and march over to a vacant desk next to Tweek and dump everything in there noisily. He immediately twitches and yelps, shrieks, "OH JESUS!" and falls.

Everyone begins to laugh and I sigh. "Get up." I say and he immediately resumes the way he was seated. "So, then," I say and he twitches again. "Let's get this over with."

He nods and I try not to glare at him because he's such a loser.

"Tweek," I begin and he jumps up startled.

When will he learn to lay off the coffee?

Never.

"Okay, since we will be doing the Civil War, which side would you like to report on?" I simply ask. I wonder if he will comprehend that, or if his brain is too small to even understand simple utterances.

"Ergh, um, I-I don't know. This is way too much pressure!"

How can it be too much pressure to pick a fucking side? I voice my thoughts. "For fuck's sake, just pick a damn side! That's not so hard is it?" I'm sorry to say my voice wasn't exactly on the low side, and the teacher gives me a dirty look. Tweek twitches and moves away fearfully.

"Oh, Jesus! Fine . . . uh-uh, the U-union."

I try to not to frown. That fuck face is leaving me with the Confederates. This wouldn't be so bad had I not been in an accident during South Park's little Civil War reenactment; and on the Confederate side no less.

After a few moments of silence, I finally speak.

"Fine, I'll have the damn Confeds—"

Tweek shrieks and falls off the desk and into the floor and begins to bleed profusely. Cartman however laughs and soon everybody joins. I can't stop myself from laughing as well. How can you not when the very person that annoys you just got hurt?

"Ha, ha, ha! Dumbass!" Cartman points at him.

"Maybe if you stopped moving so much, Twitch!" Clyde joins in.

He looks up holding a bloody nose and everyone doesn't stop. In fact, it gets louder. Mrs. Harrison comes forward and tries to stop the noise. It doesn't.

"SHUT UP!" She screams and it becomes silent. "I don't see why you have to laugh at poor Tweek. I'm disappointed in you all, so you will all receive twenty points off your project. Kenny McCormick, go and take Tweek to the rest room, will you?"

I groan. I definitely do NOT. But she glares at me pretty angrily and I can't refuse. She might do something way more drastic. I help the little idiot off his feet and drag him to the men's room.

He should be thankful that I'm touching him for anything other than smacking the hell out of him.

He gets a roll of paper and holds it up to his nose, all while twitching. I roll my eyes and turn away. "Do you need me here or can I go?" I say bored. He winces and turns away as well. " . . ."

"Fine," I practically bark. I head out the door, and slam it behind me. I'm shaking by the time I get to class. He wears my patience thin. I mean, even around Clyde and Kyle's cousin Kyle I could last a couple of hours. Only twenty minutes with Tweek, and I want to kill myself.

I am itching for a cigarette, thought Mrs. Harrison won't be very happy if I take one out and start smoking in her class. She'll probably kill me and then call my mom. I shiver. At least she's not a bitch like Kyle's Mom. God knows what I'd do if she was.

"What happened, dude?" Kyle asked as he leaned over my desk. I scoff.

"I was partnered with that freak." I answer. "And I need a friggin' cigarette, but I have none."

Kyle shakes his head. "Just ask her for a trade. You can trade with Wendy. I hear she can't stand Jimmy's stuttering."

My eyes widen. I can't stand when he stutters so much. It's annoying. I reach for my hair and drag my fingers through. I sigh loudly. "No way." He looks at me sympathetically and laughs. I want to smack him.

And I almost do, had not my stomach growled. "Shit," I mumble. "I forgot he got my food all over me and I didn't eat." My dearest little friend holds out a candy bar and smirks.

"You owe me."

He sits down next to me and leans forward, ignoring Wendy and Stan who are currently all over each other. I scoff at them and turn back to look at Kyle. "So, what can I do you for?"

He gives me a weird look and I suddenly realize how that sounded. Or how that clashes with my reputation at being the school's biggest slut. "Oh, sorry," I say. "That's not what I meant."

"Are you going to the Carnival?" He says and I nod absentmindedly. Sure. Maybe I could pick up some girls there and fuck them later on at night. Of course I don't tell Kyle this.

"Tweek's coming."

My mouth opens in protest.

"I'm sorry, but Cartman invited him." Kyle shrugs and I stare. I thought fatass hated that little freak of the school. He's always mocking him and being mean to him (sadly, he outdoes me in this), plus beating him up occasionally.

"He says he has a surprise for him. But you are still coming, right?"

So much hope in his voice. I can't resist. I like Kyle more than I hate Cartman. I sigh and drag a finger across the desk. "Fine," I say, "But you buy me two rides."

"Fucker." Kyle grins.

"The one and only." I respond.

Besides, I am eager to see what surprise Cartman has for Tweek.

Week One, Day One: Over.

XxSquee!xX

That was fun. Kenny is in for a surprise too!

Tweek went out the ceiling. :0

Donna of the Grey.

Signing out.