I Just Wanted You to Know
By:
Setalina Muro
Summary: But he didn't really hate him. The words would fall like venom, but he never meant them. They came still, no matter how much he would regret them. Who could remember when they were more than enemies? Jounouchi could…I don't really hate you…Puppyshipping
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or any places, people and/or other things you are familiar with from the show or anything else. The plot, however, is mine.
A/N: The lyrics (MINE) were written on a Saturday while I walked, gaudy orange bag pressing on my shoulders, a faint bitterness in my heart. The first verse and chorus pertain to betrayal I felt from an ex-friend of mine after she let a boyfriend tear us apart and replaced me with not one, but two people (casting one off after the other, making one my present best friend). It didn't really work for me as something to be written Het, and I've never done a Yaoi before. Just thought I'd give it a shot. This will more likely than not, be my only Yaoi fiction. Not that I have anything against it, it's just not my style. I basically wrote this as a test fic to see how it measured up to my other bizarre one-shots (I'd Cheat Destiny, Muffins of Serenity, etc).
Please enjoy.
I Just Wanted You to Know
"Jounouchi."
Like two laser beams carrying death in their wake the eyes seemed as they bore into his own. Infinitely cold cobalt blue framed in a pale face, masked with brown hair. What more could he do than stare back? Ignore the sudden tumult his heart made in his chest? He fought the memories desperately. This time he forced himself to remain distant, uncaring. No outburst. Not even for the sake of being able to touch the cool milky skin. No. Control was the key even as he narrowed his eyes and breathed in the air somewhat saturated with the other boy's scent, preparing to say the one name he had come to hate above all others.
A crude nod in return, the word falling like a curse from his lips.
"Kaiba."
It was all that had passed between the two boys since the tender age of twelve when they had first met. A kind age. Questioning age.
The other walked away, his deep blue coat flaring behind him, and Jounouchi shook his head to clear it, eyes closing in calm reflection for a moment. The soft smile was bitter as it crossed his face and he sighed, sweeping back the mop of golden hair atop his head.
It was difficult to remember a time when Kaiba Seto had not been that person; a time when he was neither cold nor manipulating. But Jounouchi could.
It had been years before, falling into the awkward stage of preteen life. Jounouchi, with his abusive father, Seto, a lowly orphan.
How well he remembered the cool autumn day they had first met. The air was crisp and it burned his lungs as he ran faster and faster from the wretched apartment, that horrid man. An eleven-year-old boy with nowhere to run but a small neighborhood park.
The leaves of the oak and elm trees were brilliant hues of russet and flaxen and they glowed with bright autumn sunlight as he streaked though them. His feet carried him as quickly as they could in his worn-out sneakers, the crunching of the leaves loud and close. The sage colored jacket was too large for him and it billowed behind him as he raced.
The destination was a brilliantly colored orange plastic tube, making a bridge that connected two of the park's large plastic toys. He shivered as he sat inside, as much from chill as from fear.
There was no way of knowing how long he sat there curled into a small ball before the sound of feet and the laughter of others filtered into his ears. He started, hastily rubbing the crystalline tears from his chocolate orbs.
Pounding feet neared him as they ascended the toys and the advancing child froze suddenly in front of him, blue eyes wide as he halted.
"Hello…" he said slowly.
Jounouchi's eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and he sniffled a reply. "Hey."
"You okay?" the other boy asked.
How much he wanted to say yes, to say no, to shrug. He felt like laughing suddenly, crying, being numb.
"Yeah," he answered. What did it matter? A few hours and the man would pass into oblivion, forgetting he had a son or any reason to hurt him.
Another voice popped out of nowhere at his left.
"Hi!" it chortled. "I'm Mokuba!"
Jounouchi had started again, and the first boy, the one with the blue eyes, softly told the younger one to go play. As the mop of dark, raven hair vanished, the body smiled apologetically.
"My little brother," he said, smiling fondly.
The little blonde boy was entranced at how kind this other was. The blue eyes radiated companionship, some hurt, intelligence. Intrigued, he leaned forward slightly.
Young blue-eyes had stepped away from the tunnel, watching the antics of the younger boy.
"I told him I'd take him to the park ages ago," he stated. "Glad I finally got them to let us out."
"Out?" Jounouchi queried.
"Of the orphanage," he shrugged. "Guess they're afraid we'll run away or something. But I couldn't do that to Mokuba. He deserves so much more than this."
"You live in an orphanage?"
"Yeah. My parents…" his voice faltered, eyes becoming terribly sad for a moment. Jounouchi felt a twang of guilt at his heart.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"No. It's alright." Heaving a sigh, he looked Jounouchi square in the eye. "They died. A while ago."
It was all Jounouchi could do not to repeat the apology.
"What's your story?"
"Huh?"
The boy smiled. "Well, you usually don't find people in plastic tunnels crying."
Jounouchi almost could have laughed. "I was hiding from my father."
"That kind of parent, huh?" Jounouchi nodded. "Where's your mom?"
"Gone," he said. "Took my little sister away. Left me here with him."
A silence descended in which all you could hear was the soft rustle of wind and young Mokuba's screams of joy as the leaves crackled beneath his feet.
"It'll turn out okay."
"What?"
The boy smiled. "Everything will turn right in the end. My name is Seto."
"Jounouchi Katsuya."
The two shook hands and things began to rocket…
The key slid into the door of the apartment, turning effortlessly. Jounouchi, lost in memory, couldn't remember walking home.
"Onii-chan!"
The chipper voice brought him back for a moment, out of the reverie to look into the bright face of his little sister.
"Welcome home, Onii-chan!" she chorused.
He smiled, halfheartedly, rubbing her hair gently. "Thanks, Shizuka-chan."
Her smile faltered. "What's the matter?"
He shrugged it off, making for his room. It was a different apartment then the one he had grown up in. Honestly, Jounouchi couldn't even begin to guess where his father was, dead or alive. He suspected the man lay in a drunken haze, just the same as the last time Jounouchi left him. The time he didn't go back.
"Onii-chan?"
Turning back to face her, he felt slightly ashamed he had brushed her off so easily. Her honey-colored eyes rimmed with tears for a moment until he drew her into a comforting hug.
"It's alright, Shizuka," he said. "I was just…thinking." He consulted his watch for a moment. "We'll get dinner later, m'kay?"
Shizuka nodded, blinking away the wetness in her eyes. "Okay, Onii-chan."
"Go on and finish your homework."
She wandered off to sit on the couch before a book and Jounouchi smiled at her before turning to his room.
It was a standard teenager's messy room; clothes on the floor with papers and other oddments. Jou sighed and walked to his bed, plopping down on it.
It was fall in his mind still, the gap closing between here and yesterday. Seto stood atop the plastic slides as Jounouchi ran toward him. The air was colder, the chill of winter threatening. The trees were bare, deprived of their leaves, as they slowly lapsed into the dead sleep of winter.
"You're late!" the boy laughed, jumping down to meet him.
"I know," Jou panted, doubling over as the pain assaulted his side. He laughed softly as Seto stopped in front of him.
"Had to wait for your dad to pass out?"
For some reason it had become a joke between them.
After a few moments, they settled on the swing set, idly kicking.
"Why were you late, Jou?" Seto asked.
The blonde-haired boy smiled. "Mokuba told me it was your birthday. Here. I got you something."
Seto's blue orbs widened as Jounouchi shoved the package toward him. It was rectangular, wrapped with an old newspaper and tied with brown string.
"You didn't have to…" Seto said softly, taking it carefully.
"Sure I did," Jou smiled back. "You're my friend. It's what friends do."
Gently, he tore the paper off, revealing a small plastic packet. Opening it, Seto was staring at nine glossy cards.
"They're 'Duel Monsters' cards," Jou said happily. "I thought you'd like them."
Seto was silent as he stared at the cards, shuffling through them in amazement.
"Just came out a few weeks ago," the other boy continued. "Do you like them?"
Seto stared, his gaze moving to Jounouchi. "They're amazing," he said, pushing his swing closer to Jou's. "Look at this one!! 'Lord of Dragons'. That's what I want to be someday…"
Jounouchi opened his eyes to the sound of knocking at his door.
"Onii-chan? Are you alright?"
He crawled off his bed, going to the door and opening it a crack.
"I'm fine, Shizuka. What is it?"
"You're been awfully quiet. Did something happen?"
He shook his head. "No." He felt dizzy.
"Onii-chan?"
Approaching darkness…
"Onii-chan?"
JOUNOUCHI!
Everything flew past him in bursts and segments, piecing together the simple moment in his life that had led him to this point. …
He was back there. It was spring. They wrestled in the mud, Mokuba cheering them on. Laughter rang through the park…
Midsummer. May rain. Seto was waiting to hold him while he cried.
July heat. Cool water. Gentle hands soothing three welts that never really went away.
August. Fall threatened. A hesitant kiss.
September. They debated. Was it right? Wrong?
October. Almost thirteen and they heard the word. Fag…
November…and Seto was gone…
Somehow, Seto always knew when he would come, and he waited. It had rained that day, large heavy drops that spattered everything, constantly driving. Puddles had accumulated everywhere.
It was the first time Jou had ever really been whipped. Usually, when the punishment came, the man was too drunk to undo his belt buckle. But he was surprisingly near sober that day.
But thankfully, Seto waited for him. Finding him as he stumbled through the park, shirt tinted pink by blood and rain. They sat for hours in the tube slide, Jou's head against Seto's lap. Cold rain mingled with tears he had refused to shed during the beating.
"What was it about?"
Shrug. "Something about happy orphan kids? …I dunno…he was slurring…"
Seto peered off, his face locked in questioning contemplation.
It was strange to Jounouchi. Seto had always seemed more melancholy than anything…
Wounds heal. Seto had doctored them. Summer had settled. The trees blotted out the sun with vivid, full green leaves.
"It's hot," Mokuba complained. "Let's go swimming!"
The nearby lake was always full of children in the summer. Shimmering with brilliant sunlight, the crystal blue waters seemed particularly inviting that day.
Mokuba was the first in, peeling off his shirt and squealing as he made contact with the cold water. Seto followed him toward the edge, coolly distant, smiling as the small boy splashed happily.
He was shocked when a blonde streak passed him, rocketing into the water with a loud cry of euphoria. The resulting splash narrowly missed the other boy.
"Come on, Seto!" Jou called. "This is great!"
A small smiled crossed his lips as he watched them beckoning him. He shook his head and the two began to splash each other. Moments later, a wave toppled them both as Seto leapt in behind them and a water fight ensued.
Hours later the older two collapsed on the nearby shore, laughing still in their tired voices. Jounouchi lay on his stomach, eyes closed in reverie. Seto sat beside him, his arms pulling his legs up to his chest.
He looked over at Jou and bit his lower lips as his eyes fell on the purple-tinted sets of lines across his back. How that night haunted him yet Jou remained carefree. He figured he'd never understand it.
Cautiously, one hand reached out and Jounouchi started as it touched one of the remaining welts.
"Do they still….hurt?" Seto whispered as he traced them.
Jounouchi's tensed shoulders relaxed slightly. "Not really," he said, chocolate orbs gazing off. "But I think there'll be scars left over this time."
"I'm sorry."
"Feh. Not your fault," Jou shrugged. "You're not the miserable drunk bastard that lashes out at his kid."
Jou stood up suddenly, brushing off the dirt that had clung to his wet chest. Seto sat watching him as he went off to get their shirts and shoes and he shook his head.
"No," he said softly. "But I am sorry I couldn't protect you…"
August was the first time they tried to sneak Jounouchi into the orphanage grounds. The weather was failing and the directors knew they would have trouble adopting off sick children so Seto and the others were let out less and less.
They showed him a hole in the wall that led behind a thick, height-stunted tree and where the room they shared was.
It was a few nights later Jounouchi sneaked over, tapping the window to call Seto out.
It was strange meeting at night, sitting behind the heavy tree to avoid detection. The only light came from the full moon and the fluorescent yellow from a street lamp outside the garden wall.
Conversation was scarce and they merely sat side by side, leaning against the mud-colored brick wall.
"Think we'll always be able to do this?" Jou asked.
"No," Seto answered. "I'd get kicked out of the orphanage eventually and if that didn't happen before we finished growing up, you'd get too big for that hole."
Jou chuckled softly at this. "Yeah," he said. "I guess I would."
Seto began to shift uncomfortably and he sighed a few times.
"Jounouchi?" he finally started.
"Yeah?"
"I…have to ask you something…"
"Sure. Go ahead."
"Have you ever had…feelings about someone? Like, more than 'friend' feelings?"
"What, you mean like toward a girl or something?" Jounouchi was slightly thrown off at the thought of Seto liking a girl.
"No! It….It's not like that, its…AUG!!" He sighed in exasperation, tearing his hands through his hair.
Jou looked strangely at his flustered friend.
"I don't think that this is right," Seto muttered, hiding his face. "It just doesn't seem natural…"
Now Jounouchi was confused. "Seto, wha-?"
"I-I can't explain this!" Seto exclaimed, slightly angered as he interrupted him. "And I don't know what else to do! I might have to try and…and…show…you…"
Seto trailed off slowly, his eyes large.
"Show me what?" Jounouchi asked, utterly perplexed at his friends rambling.
"Jou, can you stand up?" Seto said, ushering his friend to his feet.
Thinking nothing of it, Jounouchi followed Seto's lead, standing and facing the other boy. His brow was still knit with confusion, which only increased as he felt a quick, hesitant pressure against his mouth.
He didn't register it at first and only stood, staring at Seto, who had taken several steps back, his face flushed and hanging in shame.
Jounouchi, however, was evaluating the new feeling that was suddenly inside of him. It was this strange mix of fear and dread and surprise and…joy?
"You…just kissed me…?" he said slowly.
"Y…yes…I know…" Seto muttered. "I'm sorry."
"I…don't think you have to be…" Jou continued in the same slow, contemplative tone. He sank down suddenly. "This is weird."
"Yeah, it's weird," Seto said, sitting next to him. "Really weird."
"I don't get it…aren't we supposed to like girls not each other?"
"I dunno," Seto replied. "I thought…but…" he touched Jounouchi's hand and the blonde haired boy leaned his head against his shoulder. "But let's just let this be what it is…for a little while at least."
"What is it?" Jou asked softly.
"I think," Seto said, gazing up to the sky. "that it's love…"
Two months seemed far too short for all that was happening to them. The attraction was slowly growing and nightly, chaste kisses followed soft talks in the dark.
It was at the park one day in the mild October fall that the first torments began.
They were careful in public, never touching or playing much. They usually just sat, talking. Occasionally, other boys from the orphanage would come by. It was evident they didn't like Seto much and knew the easiest was to get to him was through Mokuba, whom they would torment constantly. Seto and Jou would constantly alight from their perches on the plastic toys to chase them away.
It was one of those moments when in anger one boy called back at them from across the playground. Seto and Jou had been laughing as the boys ran away.
"Yeah, laugh, Fag-boy!" he had said. "You'll get it soon!"
"Faggot," the other boys chorused.
Jounouchi was immediately angered and screamed back profane words he had acquired from his father, but Seto caught his shoulder and shook his head disapprovingly.
"It's not worth it, Jou," he said.
Mokuba stood behind them. "What's a fag?" he asked.
Seto sighed, twitching at the word coming from his little brother's mouth. "It's a …." He paused biting his lip and looking at Jou. "It's a bundle of sticks, Mokuba."
"Then why did they…?"
Jou ruffled his hair as he interrupted him. "Hey, don't worry about it, okay, kid?"
Mokuba laughed and Seto smiled softly as he ran off to play again. Jounouchi looked toward his friend, watching the sadness sweep over his face and he knew it bothered Seto more than he would ever admit…
November fell bitterly cold that year and Jounouchi got the worst news of his life.
"You're leaving!?!"
"Yeah, Mokuba and I have been-"
"You're leaving!"
"Jou, I-"
"You're leaving…"
"Stop it! Stop saying it!"
"I….can't believe you're doing this to me."
"I'm sorry. I had to do it though. It was the only way I could get out of the orphanage with Mokuba. We'll be together. It's important that it be that way, Jounouchi. I promised him."
"But…what's going to happen…to us?"
"…I don't know. I'll still be in Domino…"
"Who are you now?"
"What?"
"You're adopted. Who does that make you?"
"Kaiba Seto."
"Kaiba…"
"Jounouchi?"
He groaned as he opened his eyes, blinking away the memories. His head hurt.
"Where am I?" he asked.
"The hospital, Jounouchi," a familiar voice answered. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah. Well, my head hurts but…" He had suddenly placed the voice and the fact that went with it. "Mokuba? Why are you here?"
The younger boy's eyes furrowed slightly. "Your sister asked me to come."
"What? Why?"
"Well, when you passed out yesterday-"
"Yesterday? What?"
"Just mental stress. They don't think it was anything serious."
"I still don't understand why you're here."
Mokuba cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Umm…your sister called me because you've been…saying my brother's name in your sleep."
"What?!?"
"You and Seto were really great friends back then," he continued awkwardly. "When we were kids. I remember we'd hang out at the park together but…you were more than friends, weren't you?"
Jounouchi sputtered something, but Mokuba pretended not to hear him.
"I didn't really get it. Seto would sometimes sneak out at night to go to the park to wait in case you need him. Like that night when it was raining…"
Jounouchi stared at him, shocked to hear that. "He did?"
"Yeah…and he almost didn't go that night, then panicked and left. I guess he thought you'd do the same for him."
"What?"
Mokuba sighed, running a hand through his shaggy hair. "After we were adopted, Gozaburo immediately tore into him. Night after night and day after day. With Gozaburo everything was about strict control. He beat Seto frequently."
Jounouchi felt his heart constrict.
"One night, Seto ran off. He ran to that park. He wanted to see you. And you weren't there. That's why he's always been so mad at you."
"I…didn't know…"
"You couldn't have," Mokuba reasoned. "He still goes there every now and then. At night, when he can't concentrate on work. He's probably there tonight…"
"I have to go see him."
Mokuba smiled. "I hoped you'd say that. I'll help get you out of here."
The park was the same as he remembered. Every piece of equipment there held a different memory and it was so…bizarre. It was so much smaller than he remembered it as well, and yet it had been the largest part of his childhood.
His footsteps on the gravel echoed slightly as he walked. Ahead of him, he could see a pair of legs sticking out of the bright orange tube.
We got lost somewhere
Between friendship and God
Another road taken, that in retrospect,
Was better left un-trod
As he approached, the figure sat up, bent slightly double so as to not band his head. Dark brown hair fell over blue eyes and they glared coldly at him as recognition dawned.
"What are you doing here, Jounouchi?" he spat, masking his shock with venom.
"Hey, Seto," Jou said.
Blue eyes gazed hatefully back. "You have no right to call me that." He stood up taking the black jacket he had lain over a plastic pole and swinging it around his shoulders before beginning to climb down.
Jounouchi stood his ground. "I was talking to Mokuba," he ventured. "He…he told me about everything."
Seto continued walking away and slowly, Jou followed him.
"He told me about that night when I was beaten. How you started coming out all the time to sit here. He told me about the night you ran from your adopted father's –"
"Shut-up," Seto said vehemently over his shoulder, stopping suddenly.
"You ran away and came here," Jounouchi continued cautiously. "He told me you came here still. He said you—"
"Jounouchi, shut-up right now," Seto hissed. "Don't even try to talk about things you don't understand."
"Seto, what we were—"
"We were nothing."
And in the past we find
What we knew to be truth
The bonds of innocence and simplicity
You've slaughtered since our youth
"Seto, I just wanted to say—"
"SHUT UP!"
The boy turned and struck out, his fist making contact with Jounouchi's jaw. Seto was panting; watching as the other stumbled backwards, clutching his stinging face.
"Shut up," Seto said, quieter this time. "I hate you. I HATE you. Now why don't you just leave me alone?"
"I…I can't." Jounouchi looked up, his chin already taking a purplish tinge. He spat out blood that had accumulated in his mouth. "I have to say this. I just have to."
He took a deep breath and stepped closer to Seto. "These past few days, you've been the only thing I've thought of to a point where I've made myself sick. And I didn't really understand it I couldn't for the life of me figure out exactly what it was about you that was driving me insane. And then it hit me while I was in the hospital today."
Seto looked at him indifferently as he continued. They were now an arms length away, eyes locking momentarily.
"I thought I hated you, Seto. And I was always so angry because of it. We hated each other and there wasn't any reason for it. I don't really hate you, Seto. And I just wanted you to know that. And I'm sorry that I wasn't there."
I don't really hate you
I couldn't really watch you cry
I don't want to say it
It'd hurt too much to even try
And the friendship that we had has been forsaken
But I don't really hate you
I just wanted you to know
Seto laughed softly. "Nice speech. Now I'm outta here."
"What?"
The other boy's eyes narrowed. "What were you expecting?" he mocked. "That I'd confess ultimate feelings for you? Forgive you? As if."
Can you see somehow
What you've broke since yesterday?
The trade of innocence for inheritance
Betrayal that will never go away.
Jounouchi looked away, gritting his teeth. "I guess not," he said, meeting the other boy's harsh glare a moment later. "I had just hoped that somewhere in there, you were the same person that I had left my comfort zone for; was beaten for. I had hoped, somehow, you'd still be the same bastard I fell in love with somewhere. But I guess that's too much to ask for, isn't it, Kaiba?"
The stood in silence for a moment, attempting to glare the other down, neither willing to break eye contact first, when Jounouchi reached forward and grabbed the ruff of Seto's jacket, pulling him forward and smashing their lips together.
Seto froze then pulled away, shoving Jou away from him and vigorously dragging his hand across his mouth. "What the FUCK do you think you're doing?!?" he screamed, red-faced and seething.
Jou began to laugh. It was soft at first but after a few moments, he was roaring with it.
"What's so fucking funny?" Seto spat.
"You," Jou replied. "Weren't you the one that told me to let it be what it was? Weren't you the one that made the first move before? I just think it's so funny," he chuckled. "That somehow, we've switched places. And I'm not the one that's scared any more."
Tensing and shaking with anger, Seto swung, but Jou dodged and dodged again.
"Give it up!" Jou hollered, jumping back out of his reach. "Stop trying to deny it. Do something except getting so angry! Stop hiding who you are!"
And in the past I find
The boy I knew in my youth
There in stories and fond memories
The one that grew up into you
Seto was panting, shivering. "And what am I?"
"You're alone."
"I'm not alone," he said. "And I'm not scared."
"Seto."
"Don't touch me!"
"You're shaking."
I'd take your hand
Just to say goodbye
But you can bet I'll never
Stop wondering why
Seto sank slowly to the ground, covering his face. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Jounouchi came up to him and knelt beside him, reaching out. "Nothing is wrong with you. It's the way we are."
"No…"
"Yeah."
"I…I'm not ready for this."
Jounouchi smiled and kissed his forehead. "That's okay." Seto tensed in his arms before slowly relaxing and Jou pulled him closer, taking in a sweet scent from his hair as he said the words so like those he had said so many years ago. "You don't have to be."
And I don't really hate you
I just wanted you to know
The End
A/N: Okay, so there it is. Some of it was a little dialogue-heavy, and I'm surprised that I actually finished it. Anyway, please R&R.
Lina