So.. this is kind of a sequel to "Don't Touch Me" from Harry's POV. But it can be read seperately.
But I advice you to read Don't Touch Me though, it's much better :b
That's about it... oh, and of course, I own nothing.
"Don't touch me"
I keep saying this over and over again but it never seems like you listen. You merely stand there with sulky shoulders and your eyes focused at the floor, as if you do not dare face me, face my words. I repeat them and you ignore them by reaching out for me, and holding me close. I always fight against your embrace, trying to convince myself that I do not want this. I doesn't work, never does. Other times your eyes watch me with this empty, bored expression and I try to fool myself into thinking, hoping, that you in fact don't care. But then I catch a glimpse of despair your grey eyes, a glimpse so small and so fragile that it makes my legs go weak and causes my throat to burn. And in that small moment I always realize what you mean to me and it makes me wanna hurt you so much, so much that I think I might kill you. So I attack you and just for a moment it feels like old times and just for a moment I think that I may not be going insane and just for a moment I think that everything can be normal again. But you destroy this illusion by just lying there and letting me hit you. Sometimes I yell at you to fight me, I curse at you, spit at you and yet you just lie there doing nothing. And suddenly all my rage disappears and I see your face covered in blood and I feel like throwing up. So I pick you up, hold you close, whisper desperately into your neck and as your blood soak into me everything becomes so damn clear.
Next time we met it starts all over again.
I can know you're there without even turning. Your presence lies thick in the air and I catch my breath. I wish you would just turn around and walk out the door pretend that you didn't see me standing here. I wish I had stayed in bed next to the warm body snoring peacefully besides me instead of wandering the empty hallways, knowing that you would find me.
I wish you would come to your senses and just leave me alone but as I feel your hand on my back I know that there's no chance.
"Just go away…just…please"
I manage to choke out. I don't know why I even bother. I've said everything to try to scare you away. I've ignored you, threatened to tell expose you, called you words I would never dare call anyone else and beaten you to the inch of your life and you still come back. You standing there patiently besides me frighten me, because I can't seem to find the boy I once knew.
You should have walked away the night I beat you up for the first time. Instead you rocked me like a child in your arms and whispered that everything was going to be just fine. And even though this was an obvious lie it comforted me and I found myself thinking that maybe, just maybe everything would be fine. And I realized that I could actually love you. And it scared me shitless. Because if there was something I was sure about in this world it was that we hated each other.
"I can't do this anymore" I tell you like I always do
"I know" you answer with no argument in your voice.
And somehow your answer should console me, but I find myself wanting you to argue with me. I want you to tell me that I need to hang on and that we will make this together. But I know you won't say that because I know you believe that just as little as I do. You embrace me, rapping your arms around me and I have no powers to fight you with. I hide my face in your neck exhaling you and trying to ignore the twisting feeling in my stomach. "Don't touch me" I whisper but I know you won't listen and it pains me to know I don't want you to. Your lips are always too soft to bear and I wonder why you never complain about mine being cracked and dry. And just for a moment I forget that this is not the way I figured my life would turn out. I forget who you are and who I am – I forget about Ginny lying innocently in my bed knowing nothing about my betray, I forget about how she told me yesterday that she loved me, I forget about Hermione and Ron hating you, I forget that your family wants me dead, I forget about us not having a future together and forget how messed up my life has become since you kissed me in that hallway.
I never meant to kiss you back. I swear to God I didn't. But you took me off guard and being pressed up against that cold wall you stirred something deep inside me that had never been touched. So I kissed you back. And when I went back to my room that night I cried myself to sleep. I found you the next night to tell you off, you had tearstains on your cheeks and it was so unlike you that it made my brain to go standby and once again I found myself kissing you and I found myself unable to let go.
And then it all went to hell.
That's exactly where we are at the moment – in hell. Because every night I slip out of Ginny's loving hold to be found by you and every night I tell you not to touch me and every night you act like you don't hear my cruel words. And every night the hate that comes out through my fists turns into love, love so dangerous I can't breathe and I curse myself and I curse you.
I cry silently against your chest and clutch on to your robe afraid you might slip away. You are in many means the only things holding me up at this moment and I don't know why this fact doesn't scare me. We slowly sink down on the floor and you hold me even tighter while running a hand through my messy hair. I know I'm slowly falling to pieces and I will not last much longer in the condition and I know you know it too. I know that the reason you never cry anymore is because you have to be the martyr and protect me, because with you I am no hero, I am not the boy who lived – I am merely me and I need you.
"I hate you Malfoy"
"Right back at you Potter"
I smile at your response, because I suddenly catch a glimpse of the boy I used to know. I feel like telling you something but you look like you are on the edge of breaking down too, so I snuggle closer to you and rest my head on your chest, you sigh and I realize I know exactly what's going through your mind.
I try to convince myself that this was the last time and that tomorrow I will stop this madness and do what I'm supposed to do. I know you are doing this as well. And tomorrow we will see each other in the Great Hall and your cold eyes will stare through me and I will think that this time, maybe this time it will be over. And when night comes I will find myself in an empty classroom yet again because I can't help it. And I'll ask you not to touch me and you'll do it anyways and I'll hold you tight, afraid that you might slip away, terrified that you someday might do as you're told.
R&R - and as always, be gentle, english still isn't my first language (: