the mary sue alchemist // a fullmetal alchemist one-shot
A/N: I wrote this ages ago. It was one of my fics that got tanked awhile back, because its "content didn't match its rating." PSHAW. But anyway, enjoy. I will be forced to drop-kick some bitches if people don't understand that this is a parody. (And on a random note: I totally got Gzaso's name by slamming my fingers on the keyboard. Heh.)
Once upon a time, there was this beautiful young girl. Her name was Ellen Wolfbred Tiger Raven Jade Legolas III. She was so beautiful, that one look at her striking features, and one's soul was lost. She had pretty blonde locks and red eyes—NO ONE had red eyes! Other than people from Ishbal! But she was special, because, well, she just was.
Ellen was so strong, too! She could use alchemy without a transmutation circle! She even had all the powers of the Seven Deadly Sins and still looked good doing so. Every villain shuddered and townspeople cheered at the sound of her name.
One day, Ellen was walking down the street. Every male that passed fell in love with her. She sat back as each and every one of them fought for her heart. She thought it was funny it happened so much.
But one of the men stuck out—no, TWO (one of them was really, really small). He was a suit of armor! Ellen stared up at him with wide eyes; this was new.
"Even though I'm most likely homosexual and in love with my older brother, I love her the most!" he boomed.
Ellen's magical fairy companion, Jello, flew to her owner. "That's Alphonse Elric! Even though his body is lost and he can't feel much emotion, he fell for YOU, Ellen-sama! You must kiss him and break him from the horrid spell!"
"Spell?" Ellen repeated, blinking. "Preposterous! I, being the younger graduate in Central College, haven't HEARD of such a spell! How could it be real? Something I haven't a clue about isn't real, you baka!"
"Yes ma'am."
The other male with him stood up, as well. Even though he wasn't very tall to begin with. He wore the brightest coat ever and his hair was in an adorable braid. Ellen liked him; she liked how his shoes basically defied the laws of physics.
"I love her!" said the boy. "I want her to marry me! I shall stop being an alchemist and she will bear my children!"
Ellen literally clung to him. "Okay! You're so kawaii! Your coat and my eyes match perfectly."
Just then, Ellen's savoir, Gzaso, the Elvin overload of Heaven appeared. He existed only to serve the female alchemist.
"No, Ellen-sama!" Gzaso proclaimed. "You mustn't! For he, Edward Elric, is one of your long lost relatives! The suit of armor is as well," he added, pointing to a sulking Al in the corner.
"Nani?" she muttered, blinking. "But I love him! He's my life partner!"
"But, Ellen-sama, Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric are your mother's father's son's cousin's dog's previous owner's daughter's best friend's landlords! You're going against your teachings, which were just published yesterday!"
"Stop it, you meanie!" Ellen pushed Gzaso into a magical pit of unicorn dust, which we all know melts your uvulas, thus destroying your sound box. Which is the most horriblerest thing that could ever happen to you ever.
Edward turned to Ellen. "I love you… er…?"
"TRUE LOVE KNOWS NO NAME," Ellen proclaimed.
The End.