Season Three, Episode Six:
I Do, or In which various faintly ridiculous things happen, and Pickett is angry a lot
Part One
Episode opens on a FLASHBACK. A FLIPPY-HAIRED KATE is entering a HOTEL ROOM, where she opens a BOX containing a WHITE VEIL.
KATE: Just in case anyone couldn't tell from the title of the episode that the flashback is about my marriage.
SCARY COP VOICE: Open this door! RAR!
KATE: Oh, officer, I hope you brought your handcuffs, because I'm a very naughty girl!
SCARY COP VOICE: I've got 'em right here!
KATE: Wow, I sure hope the guy at the door is who I think it is and not some old fat cop.
She OPENS the DOOR to reveal—
FIREFLY FANS: Aaaaaah!
MAL THE COP: Good fakeout, huh? Betcha thought I was here to arrest Kate! But I'm actually here to jump her bones! Also, I think her name is Monica.
FIREFLY FANS: …And?
MAL THE COP: Oh, all right… Gorram!
FIREFLY FANS: YESSS!
KATE: Whatever. Let's have sex.
MAL THE COP: Shiny.
FIREFLY FANS: die of happiness
Back on the ISLAND, a much DIRTIER and NON-FLIPPY-HAIRED KATE is WAKING UP in her CAGE, with much gratuitous FLASHING of the CLEAVAGE.
SAWYER: Too bad I'm facing the wrong direction. Some cleavage might cheer me up.
KATE: Get me a fish biscuit?
SAWYER: Too…depressed…
KATE: I'll bend over some more.
SAWYER: …Okay.
Somewhere in the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER, the-artist-formerly-known-as-HENRY-GALE and the-artist-currently-known-as-JULIET are VISITING JACK in his AQUARIUM CAGE.
JACK: So, I've been studying these x-rays for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that the tumor on your spine is going to kill you.
BEN: That's really helpful, Jack.
JACK: You see, the, uh, growth of the tumor is approaching an encroachment upon the, uh, exoskeleton of the—
BEN: He doesn't know what he's talking about, does he?
JULIET: Doesn't sound like it.
BEN: Great. So much for the God-must-exist-because-a-spinal-surgeon-fell-from-the-sky argument. If God does exist, he must just want to torture me.
JACK: So, when do you want me to operate?
BEN: Um. Wellll…
JACK: I'm a super stud spinal surgeon! Just ask her, she's got all the papers to prove it.
JULIET: He did go to Columbia.
JACK: See?
BEN: Well, all right. Let's do the operation tomorrow, then.
JACK: NO! Hahahahah!
BEN: God. Me. Torture.
-LOST-
Scene opens on a FLASHBACK. KATE and KEVIN are in BED, presumably POST-COITUS.
KEVIN: I love you.
KATE: I love you!
KEVIN: I love you more!
KATE: No, I love you more!
KEVIN: Thank God I have a manly profession, or probably my testicles would have fallen off by now.
KATE: That would be a shame.
KEVIN: I love you more!
KATE: Okay, enough with the pillow talk.
KEVIN: But Monica loves pillow talk! And cuddling!
KATE: Right. And I'm Monica.
KEVIN: Right.
KATE: I love you more!
KEVIN: We are soo perfect for each other!
Back on the ISLAND, PICKETT arrives at KATE'S CAGE.
PICKETT: Time to go haul rocks around for no apparent reason.
SAWYER: Hey, look over here! I'm fulfilling my quota of gratuitous shirtless screentime for the episode.
PICKETT: Also, I hate Sawyer.
KATE: I don't wanna haul rocks today.
PICKETT: Too bad, let's go. Also, I hate Sawyer.
KATE: Hey, wait a second! If Sawyer doesn't have to haul rocks today, then I'm not gonna haul rocks either!
PICKETT: Sawyer gets a day off. Because I am secretly planning to sneak back here and murder him. Also, I hate him.
KATE: He gets a day off??
PICKETT: Well, death waits at the end of it, but yes.
KATE: Not fair!
PICKETT: Fine. He can come haul rocks today, and I'll murder him some other time. Also, I hate him.
SAWYER: Dammit, Kate, I almost got a day off. What'd you have to screw it up for?
Pickett LEADS Sawyer from his CAGE.
PICKETT: Daggers. I am glaring daggers of extremely extreme prejudice at you. Also, I hate you.
SAWYER: Yeah. I get it.
PICKETT: Hate. And lots of it.
Back on the OTHER ISLAND, LOCKE, SAYID, DESMOND, and the two UNMENTIONABLES with INEXPLICABLY PERFECT HAIR are gathered around EKO'S CORPSE.
EKO: I'm dead.
DESMOND: This death has shaken me deeply. Even though all I know about Eko is that he was a priest who, at one point, I almost blew up.
FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: It's okay, Desmond. I miss Eko too.
LOCKE: Oh Eko…why?? I saved you from the polar bear once, but she just couldn't leave you alone!
SAYID: Polar bear?
LOCKE: Yes. Polar bear.
SAYID: Maybe it was the monster.
LOCKE: No way! I love the monster! The monster would never kill anyone!
SAYID: Really? Because the word "monster" implies otherwise.
FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: Hey, we're not gonna carry Eko all the way back to the beach, are we? 'Cause he's kind of…big.
LOCKE: Shut up.
SAYID: He really is big.
LOCKE: …Fine. Let's go get some shovels from the beach.
MALE UNMENTIONABLE: Thankfully, instead of saying anything this episode, I've decided to put all my mental powers toward maintaining my hairstyle. I can feel it slipping.
LOCKE and SAYID proceed to TREK through the JUNGLE.
SAYID: I think the monster killed Eko.
LOCKE: Yeah, well, I think that Eko died for a reason.
SAYID: You would think that, wouldn't you.
LOCKE: You know, Sayid, everything happens for a reason. And now let me tell you a vague and possibly wise story that may somehow tangentially illustrate that point. One day many years ago, I saw a dog in a junkyard and I thought—
SAYID: Why don't you tell me where we're really going instead?
LOCKE: Just on a mysterious detour.
AUDIENCE: Oooh, cool! About time something exciting happened in this episode!
Back on HYDRA ISLAND, KATE and SAWYER are hauling STICKS instead of ROCKS in an EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENT.
AUDIENCE: Yay.
LOUD ANNOUNCING VOICE: Compound breach! Compound breach!
SAWYER: Where'd the PA system come from?
Important WALKIE-TALKIE COMMUNICATION begins.
PICKETT: Did that stupid doctor try to let the ocean in again?
Suddenly, DENNIS THE MENACE attacks with her SLINGSHOT. Pickett pulls out his GUN.
ALEX: Ha! Got you, Mr. Wilson!
PICKETT: Freeze!
ALEX: Yeah, Mr. Wilson doesn't usually have a gun…
PICKETT: How'd you get over here?
ALEX: Canoe.
PICKETT: I've got to stop leaving that out.
ALEX: Where's Ben??
PICKETT: Ben hates you.
ALEX: No he doesn't… You're just full of hate!
Suddenly, a RANDOM OTHER sneaks up and GRABS Alex from BEHIND.
PICKETT: Ha! Where's your slingshot now?
ALEX: I've gotta stop taking weapons advice from comic book characters.
KATE: Well, that was interesting. At least she didn't just sneak up and talk to me about clothes and boys, like last time.
ALEX: Kate! They're going to kill your boyfriend! Just like they killed mine!
KATE: Oh. Well, she's a teenager.
ALEX: And I want my dress back!
KATE: Oh geez.
They continue WORKING while PICKETT and JULIET have a quiet CONVERSATION.
PICKETT: So, how 'bout it?
JULIET: Danny, I know you're very lonely since Colleen died, but really—
PICKETT: Bitch.
JULIET: I gotta go do something important now.
She approaches KATE.
JULIET: I need you to put this hood on and come with me.
KATE: Um…no?
JULIET: It's really important, see, because if you don't, Sawyer will— Oh, forget it. Listen, that man is sexually harrassing me, and I need you to play along so I can get away from him.
KATE: I hear ya, sister!
She PUTS ON the HOOD and has a FLASHBACK. She is STANDING in front of a MIRROR in her EXTREMELY TIGHT WEDDING DRESS.
KATE: I look so hot, it's too bad I can't move.
The MOTHER-IN-LAW enters.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: I'm here to begin a fairly pointless scene in which I give you a necklace.
KATE: Well, that's nice.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: I must also acquaint the audience with certain important facts, such as the number of children I have and how popular my son is with his fellow policemen.
KATE: That sounds like…a waste of screentime in which something exciting could be happening.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: I agree. Go get hitched.
Slightly LATER, KATE and KEVIN are standing in the CHURCH in front of a MINISTER.
MINISTER: Monica, you are perfect for Kevin because you are so honest. Not secretive at all. You would never hide anything from anyone, because you are the most open and frank person he has ever met.
KATE: This speech is making me very uncomfortable.
MINISTER: Yes, Monica, your honesty is your most important and attractive trait.
KATE: Really? 'Cause I think my boobs are pretty important and attractive too.
MINISTER: You may kiss the bride. The honest bride.
AUDIENCE: Okay, we get it, everyone thinks she's all honest and perfect. Something exciting now please?
Back on the ISLAND, JULIET is leading KATE through the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER to see JACK in his AQUARIUM CAGE.
JACK: Kate!
KATE: Oh, it's you.
JACK: Can we embrace through the plexiglass?
KATE: I don't think so.
JACK: So, how's it going?
KATE: You mean besides having been kidnapped, held in a cage with no sanitary facilities, and forced to work at the apparently pointless task of clearing brush and rocks?
JACK: Oh. Well…Juliet feeds me burned grilled cheese sandwiches.
KATE: Poor you.
JACK: She doesn't even give me any cookies!
KATE: Well, while you're in here not getting any cookies, Sawyer is being threatened with death by a murderous madman!
JACK: Sawyer? Yeah, don't care.
KATE: And I'm supposed to ask you to perform the operation on Henry.
JACK: Ben.
KATE: Whatever the hell his name is.
JACK: We should call him Benry.
KATE: Okay, this is not the topic we are supposed to be discussing.
JACK: Why should I operate on the man who is completely responsible for all the hostilities we have suffered since crashing on this island?
KATE: Well, that's not really true…the monster and the polar bears and the boars were responsible for some of it. And we don't really know if Henry—I mean Ben—
JACK: Benry.
KATE: —we don't really know if he's the one who was behind all the kidnappings and murders and such—
JACK: Are you seriously defending Benry?
KATE: Are you seriously calling him Benry?
JACK: This conversation isn't going well. Let's start over.
KATE: Okay.
JACK: Kate…I love you.
KATE: What the hell is wrong with you?
JACK: Um. Well, I haven't had any cookies in a while.
KATE: Listen carefully here, Jack. You need to operate on Henry…so that Pickett won't kill Sawyer.
JACK: Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer! Is Sawyer the only thing you care about?
KATE: Yes.
JACK: Oh.
KATE: Sorry.
JACK: Go away! I don't want to talk to you anymore!
KATE: Jack…
JACK: It's okay, I'll be okay, I just need some time to work through this.
Somewhere else in the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER, BEN is WATCHING this scene on his VIDEO BANK.
AUDIENCE: How very The Truman Show of you.
JULIET: How's it going?
BEN: Same as usual…not enough sex.
JULIET: Oh, go watch your soaps.
AN: Hey, hope you liked it! If you did, check out my other Lost story, it's an ongoing series of Season 1 parodies very much like this one.
Part 2 of this will be coming shortly, with any luck in the next couple of days. Part 2 may be the final part or there may be a Part 3, depending on how much I write. Also, there will probably be more Firefly references. I originally had planned a deluge of them for Part 1 but decided that would probably be overkill. (If you never saw Firefly, here's a quick overview: Kate's hubby Kevin -- actor Nathan Fillion -- sexy beast -- Captain Mal on Firefly -- bitter, cynical starship captain of the future -- best TV show ever except for Lost. There you go.)
That is all, review and I will love you, do not review and I will spit at your funeral.