He could never admit it to anyone, but it was a feeling he had.
Sometimes, just sometimes, Stan Marsh wanted to be like Eric Cartman.
Stan didn't get the feeling very often. How could he? Eric Cartman was…well Eric Cartman. To say the least he was an uncaring, overweight bastard that was constantly putting down people and often reeked of cheesy poofs. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be anything like him?
Stan knew why. Because Cartman's biggest faults were sometimes also his biggest strengths. Strengths Stanley Marsh didn't have.
When Sparky ran away from home, Stan wished for the first time that he could be like Eric Cartman. Cartman would've gotten a new pet and forgotten the whole thing. When it was believed Kyle might die from kidney problems a few years later, Stan wanted to be like Eric Cartman again. He wouldn't have cared then. He might have even celebrated. No emotions would need to get involved.
The feeling came over Stan once again when Wendy began dating Token. Even though he was no longer acting like a broken hearted goth over the situation, the initial pain hurt him quite badly. Eric Cartman wouldn't have felt pain from losing a girlfriend. Cartman never even bothered getting one. He was too self-obsessed to worry about such things. Unless obtaining a girlfriend could get him power, money, or piss off Kyle, odds are he had no romantic interest in women at all.
Stan could tolerate Wendy being gone. He could even tolerate her dating a so-called friend of his. What he couldn't tolerate however was the teasing. Or rather, the announcement that came along with it. One day during lunch Token broke some news to anyone that would listen. News that forced Stan to think things he never previously wanted to consider. Now more than ever he was wishing he could be that insensitive son of a bitch and turn off all of his emotions.
"You know what we did? We frenched last night."
"Wendy wouldn't do that. She never went that far with me."
"That's too bad Stan. You don't know what you're missing. She's a great french kisser."
"Shut up!"
"She even started it. She opened her mouth real wide and-"
Token didn't get to finish his sentence. He was cut off by his face coming into contact with Stan's fist. Token managed to get in a few good blows but Stan was filled with far too much rage to lose this battle. He mercilessly beat Token's ass and was ordered to attend detention after school for it.
It was like a dagger in Stan's young heart each time Token spoke of the dreaded F word. He had wanted to french Wendy so many times but never tried it. Now he'd never get the chance to. Stan was saving that sweet act of penetration for the right time with who he thought was the right person. Well apparently the right girl couldn't have been more wrong. She had spread her lips for Token who like all other men simply wanted to brag about his accomplishment the next day. After all their time together, Wendy had given it to someone who wasn't Stan Marsh. Thanks to that revelation, Stan didn't know who the "right" person was or when was the "right" time anymore.
A million thoughts raced through Stan's mind to the point that his head started to hurt. He would have plenty of time to think in detention though. Why couldn't he be like Cartman? Cartman would've simply called Token a racial slur or declared Wendy a slut and been done with the whole mess. Unfortunately Stan was too emotional of a child to react like that. He would've probably started crying over the whole mess had he not suddenly gotten some company.
"I don't care if Timmy needs the handicapped space! I'm not moving my bike goddammit!"
Cartman cursed the school administration under his breath and took a seat in detention. He spent the majority of his time doodling pictures of school authority figures getting tortured, but his laziness soon set in and his drawing hand grew tired. It was then he figured he may as well make conversation with his friend.
"Dude I saw that fight today."
Stan looked up from the book he was half-reading.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Jesus he barely touched you. For a black kid he sure can't fight."
Token had beaten up Cartman before but Stan wouldn't bring it up. An argument with Eric was the last thing he needed on a day like this. Stan shrugged and went back to the book, hoping Eric wouldn't continue talking about the incident.
Naturally he did, much to Stan's growing exasperation.
"So what happened?"
"I said I don't wanna talk about it."
"Did he screw you on a drug deal?"
"No."
"He tried to steal your chicken?"
"No Cartman."
"He wanted money for slavery?"
"It was about Wendy, all right?!"
"Wendy? You're still hung up on that hippie?"
"She was my girlfriend. You just don't understand because you've never had one before."
"Pff, only cuz I don't want one. Women are skanks."
Stan rolled his eyes and tried going back to the book. Cartman was full of shit as usual. Even though he never looked for one it didn't matter. No girl in the school would go out with him if he paid them. As for women being skanks, at the moment women weren't looking good in Stan's admittedly biased eyes. Certainly they weren't all bad, but Stan wasn't anxious to date one again after the events of today either. The next words out of Cartman's mouth did little to help his mood.
"You're really stupid."
"Huh?"
"Why should you still care if Token's dating her? You kicked his ass and wound up in detention for that? Get over it and stop being a pussy."
"For your information it isn't like that fat boy! I'm not upset cuz they're dating. I'm upset cuz of what they did."
"What'd they do?"
Stan paused for a second. He hated to say it but he knew Cartman wouldn't let up on the subject thanks to detention boredom. The conversation continued.
"They frenched last night."
"Really? Wow."
"I know. I always thought I'd be her first too."
"No I mean wow, I always knew Wendy was a whore but I never thought she'd french that quick. Even if black guys do have bigger lips than us she could've given it like another month. Stupid hippies and their free love."
Stan spoke next if only so Cartman would shut up. As much as he wanted to be like him sometimes, other times he just wished that his fat friend could either get an enlightened brain transplanted into his head or die during the operation for one.
"I just can't believe it. We were together over a year. I was saving that for her and…now…I feel like-"
Cartman cut him off, doing his best imitation of a small child crying.
"Oh no, my whore ex-girlfriend had another tongue in her. Oh I'm so sad you guys."
"Fuck you Cartman! French kissing is something special! You do it with someone you love!"
"No it isn't dude."
"How the hell would you know? You've never done it!"
"Neither have you!"
That remark started a rather awkward silence. It was true on both ends. Neither one knew just how french kissing felt.
Stan had gotten closer to it than Cartman although that wasn't saying much. What really pissed Stanley off was the fact that he likely could've gotten it from Wendy. It was the one thing all fourth grade boys strived to get from their girlfriends. And now it could never be the perfect experience he had envisioned because he wanted to save it for too long. He waited and waited for the right time and now it was all for nothing. Perhaps it would've been better if he had simply gone for it? Sure Wendy still would've ended up leaving him, but at least then he could still say he had finally frenched a girl and shared a nice experience with a loved one at the time. Maybe it's better to regret something you did later on then to regret never doing something you really wanted to do? Stan didn't know who or what was right after all of this Wendy business. Maybe it was time to take a chance.
Eric Cartman had never shaken the hand of a woman outside of his family let alone frenched one. He was firm in his stance that women were all sluts. Maybe that belief came from bitterness over girls not wanting him? Maybe it was from watching the promiscuous behavior of his mother? Whatever the case, Cartman had convinced himself that girlfriends were a waste of time. That certainly limited his options, but he was a smart guy when he wanted to be. He'd find a way to get what he wanted sooner or later.
Stan broke the silence first.
"How can you say that frenching isn't special? It's an expression of love between two people."
"Frenching isn't love. If it were the French wouldn't have invented it."
"Then what is it?"
"It's just something people do man. I don't understand how frenching and love got all mixed up together. We're nine now Stan. Okay? Nine years old. That's close to ten, which is close to twelve, which is practically thirteen!"
"So?"
"So our hormones are raging out of control! Or they will be soon or something. That means we're gonna want to put our tongues in girls and it's not cuz we love them. Love doesn't enter into it. And if you think those hoe bag women don't want it just as badly, you're wrong."
"It's no wonder you haven't frenched anyone with the way you talk about girls."
"I don't need those skanks in my life."
"Sure. What are you gonna do then Cartman, french guys?"
He didn't have much of a response for that one.
"Whatever dude. You'd french Kyle."
"Guy or girl I'm still gonna get frenched before you."
"You will not!"
"I will so!"
"You didn't even have the balls to french Wendy."
"Only cuz I was saving it. I don't think I want to do that anymore though. Look what it got me."
"Well I was saving it too so there."
With that, Cartman had successfully spewed forth a second helping of bullshit. After another brief silence the fat one spoke again.
"We could end up doing it at the same time you know."
"How would that happen?"
"A lot of ways dude. Some chick with a loose mouth lets both of us french her at once. Or like, we just happen to french on the same night or at the same time…Or we could just french each other right now."
Needless to say that caught Stan quite off guard.
"What? Y…You want to french me?"
"No! Not in a gay way. It's just…well you said you don't wanna wait anymore right? And I don't either, so…"
"Oh…I-I don't know dude. I never thought about frenching a guy before."
"Hey neither have I! I'm just saying we obviously both want to do it. Why not…you know…do it together? Get it over with now when we have a chance and stuff. I don't know about you but I don't wanna be a sixth grader that's never frenched someone."
Wow. Who would have thought Cartman would take the frenching guys remark so seriously? Even so it was kind of tempting. Not because of the guy making the offer of course. Or even that a guy was making the offer. Rather, it was tempting because it would be nice to finally try something new. Throw caution to the wind. Kill two birds with one stone, and all those other nice clichés. Stan thought for a minute then gave the answer Eric was hoping for.
"Sure, why not?"
They each stood up and approached the middle of the room. Stan placed his hands on Cartman's waist. Cartman moved his hands around to Stan's back. Carefully they moved their faces in and pressed their lips together. They remained locked in that position for several minutes getting used to the warmth of lips, the taste of one another, even the feeling of kissing someone themselves. As the kiss deepened the boys' hands grew more adventurous. Stan ran his fingers through Cartman's brown hair, tossing the hat he had on to a nearby desk. Cartman did the same to Stan's puff ball hat. Eric's fingers then moved through Stan's black hair, massaging his scalp as the headache faded. Being the larger of the two Cartman eventually began dominating the situation. He moved Stan back against the blackboard. His large body acted like a human blanket for Stanley, who didn't mind the closeness of their bodies at all right now. They began to breathe heavily through their noses. Cartman was breathing heavier of course. Stan was the first to open his mouth. Whether he'd be giving or receiving he was ready to do this.
Cartman pressed the tip of his tongue to Stanley's wet lips, tracing it around his mouth in preparation for entry. Working up the last bit of nerve he had Eric pushed his hot tongue inward. Stan responded almost immediately as a small muffled moan escaped his throat. The tongue felt warm and big to him, just like the rest of Cartman's body. However, Stan could only take so much of the virginal probing. Nice as it may have felt it was now time to give. Stan's tongue met Cartman's and gently eased it out of his mouth as Stan slowly took over. Stanley grabbed at the blackboard wall he was pinned against and pushed himself forward, slipping his own tongue inside of Eric. Cartman didn't mind the oral invasion. It was nice to experience this act on both ends. Stan's tongue roamed around inside of him, making him groan and sweat. Or perhaps that was just from all the physical activity he was forced to exert because of this?
After five minutes of what became unintended making out, the boys finally broke apart to catch their breaths. They backed away from one another and used their gloves to clean up any saliva that may have gotten on their mouths.
In his own unique way, Cartman helped Stan feel better. It wasn't in the most romantic of settings or even with the best of his friends, but Stan had now done something that he wanted to do. He'd actually be able to remember this day fondly because of that. Wendy was no longer the only one that had moved on and frenched guys. Cartman helped Stan kill some time in detention, but more importantly he had helped him reach a life goal. And that kiss was a life goal worth reaching. It felt nice. It kicked the ass of previous life goals like being a cowboy. Granted it was the "life goal" of a nine year old but it was now an achieved life goal nonetheless. Stan had taken about a year to work up the nerve to french kiss, yet Eric Cartman had the balls to do it in one day. It was amazing when Stan thought about it like that. It only made him want to be like Eric Cartman more. In fact, despite what happened next, Stan would end up thinking about Eric a lot over the next few months. He would spend a little more time with him at recess. He would draw him in his notebook. He would even throw up thinking about the kiss they shared, but in a good way. In the way he threw up around Wendy. His feelings would grow beyond simple envy into a full-fledged crush.
Unfortunately, Stan would never act on those feelings. The remark after the kiss convinced him that doing so would be a waste of time. It convinced him that Cartman could never love anyone, female or male, ever.
"Hey Stan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna bail okay? It's obvious the teachers are too lazy to check in on us. But before I go, I just wanted to tell you that…you'd better give me ten bucks or I'll tell the whole school you frenched me."
"What?! Screw you fat ass! You started it! I could just tell them you frenched me too you know!"
"Oh? And what would you say? That you let Eric Cartman french you on school property?"
Stan gave him the ten dollars.
It could be their little secret. In a way that was kind of cool. Besides, Eric had still helped him forget his problems today. He owed him one. Well, sort of. Stan scribbled a note in case a teacher did show up and tacked it on the blackboard he was up against minutes before. As he headed home, he thought something he would continue to think over the next few months as his crush intensified.
It was too bad Cartman was the way he was. Maybe that kiss could've meant something to him.
It did. Only Stan would never know it.
Stanley didn't know how lucky he was. He was able to fall in love with people. He could think good things about others and actually say those things out loud sometimes. He didn't have the reputation to live up to that Cartman did. While Stan viewed the lack of emotion as strength, Eric Cartman viewed it as a curse.
Eric wanted to cry when he was banned from fat camp, unable to lose the weight he had been mocked too long for having. But he couldn't let himself do that. He quickly copped an attitude and drowned his sorrow in a candy bar instead. He did cry when it appeared Kenny was going to die. That was only a slip up though. God forbid he should show his emotions too long. They might start to view him as a human being. He found a project to distract him from the pain of losing Kenny and then did what he always does. He pretended the tears were part of his plan all along.
Before that day in detention Cartman had only experienced one other kiss in his life. Ironically it came from Wendy. She said that her feelings for him had simply vanished after it was over. She went back to Stan as if nothing happened and surprisingly he accepted her into his life again. Up to that point Cartman had never experienced an emotional pain as deep as Wendy kissing him and then declaring it meaningless. He wasn't going to sit there and watch Stan experience a similar pain thanks to that same heartless bitch. Deep inside his rotund body he did care for Stan and all his other friends. He was just unable to say so.
Too bad Stan never acted on those feelings of his. Eric would've gladly accepted the love from him. The kiss wasn't half bad and Stan was a great guy. Wendy never deserved someone so awesome. Jealousy was probably one of the main reasons Cartman despised her and other women so much. The ten dollars got returned to Stan that October inside of a birthday card. You see the kiss and the blackmail that followed it were all just part of Cartman's plan to avoid spending any of his own money on Stan for his birthday.
Yeah, right.
Maybe one day Cartman could learn to say he loved others. He could learn to be more emotional and find a girl or even a guy to french with on a more regular basis. It'd be nice to have a one year relationship to brag about like Stan once had. Maybe one day.
If only Eric Cartman could be like Stan Marsh.