It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. A weekly publication keeping the good people of Gondor informed about the goings on in the wider world and their own city. I had written the first edition myself, it had been a fascination account of economic and cultural changes, political upheavals... I was well aware that the common man was ill informed regarding these matters.

But the work soon got on top of me, and I was forced to take on staff. In retrospect, it may have been a bad idea that I had employed the two most renowned gossips this side of the Anduin. Too late had it been to retract and re-write the paper, so I had satisfied myself with making a few edits.

Pouring myself a drink, I slumped over the second edition of 'The Arda Times'; my dream lay in tatters before me. I would be a laughing stock of the city. Caressing the thick parchment bound with leather, I opened my dream, and began to read...

THE ARDA TIMES

REAL NEWS FOR REAL PEOPLE

IS ELLESAR AND ARWEN'S
MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?

Probably not. We don't know and we've got
No evidence, but let's ask the question anyway
And fill up lot's of space.

Tomorrow...

Is Eomer's marriage in trouble?

LEGOLAS GREENLEAF GREATEST
WARRIOR EVER

Legolas Greenleaf's incredible achievement in
winning the War of The Ring (he fought two battles.
Ed.) at the tender age of (approx) 2000 means he is
unquestionably Arda's greatest warrior ever (he fought
two battles. Ed.), one who is now odds on to win every
war in this age, and every age to come (he only fought
two battles. Ed.), which means he is in fact the greatest
warrior of all time (you're fired. Ed)

Book Of The Week

THRANDUIL: PORTRAIT OF A PSYCHOPATH

Stunningly accurate bio-fic portraying Thranduil as he really was- a twisted malevolent wife beater who may well have been the love child of Morgorth and Ungoliant. Author mrslegolaselfluveroflorien34803486 gives an uncanny portrayal of an unpleasant and wisdom challenged tyrant, whose only desire was to murder his diminutive son, the abused paraplegic, Legolas Greenleaf. We trace Thranduil's life from his early days in Doriath, where he engaged in the popular sport of Hildi Hunting. From there it was all downhill as he drank, took drugs and had affairs with various mortal women until his death at the hands of a red haired half-elven assassin from Gondor. He never produced another law. (That's enough. Ed.)

AREN'T WE MARVELLOUS!

The great news coming from the admittedly sad Pelennor Fields disaster is that The Arda Times Pelennor Fields Appeal is a huge success.

Loads of ordinary Arda Times readers are giving money to our Arda Times Appeal (rather than just giving to the families direct) and, even better, lots of celebrities are very generously allowing us to put their names on the front page of The Arda Times in return for a donation. So, hats off to ourselves for our amazing self-promotion (surely selflessness? Ed.)

Is Gandalf A Paedo?

The Six Tell-Tale Signs

1) Is Always talking about a 'magic ring'

2) Has a young 'travelling companion'

3) Is always lurking in the Shire, home of the ever childlike hobbits

4) Has a beard

5) It's obvious isn't it?….

6)….Lets get the weirdo!