Control

5.

It haunts you.

Head spinning, hands clenched into fists, you stare with wide eyes at the scene before you. A burning ache fills your heart as you struggle to keep standing, your chest heaving as you take in deep, rattling breaths. You can still feel it though –the hunger, the insanity –just simmering beneath your skin, the sound of your blood rushing through your ears. It's always there –that feeling –the demon inside you just wanting to break free. You can't get rid of it. You can't stop it. It's always there, waiting in the dark recesses of your mind, biding its time (until it finally came out).

It's always there.

She stares at you with blank eyes –eyes that bore into your soul –and you can't stand to look anymore.
The metallic scent of blood invades your nose –you're repulsed (because it attracts you), you hate it (but you love it) you want it gone (yet you relish in it)

You hate it (but the demon doesn't).

And you stand there (in front of her), frozen in shock because you aren't sure what you should do. Should you call for help, should you run? You are confused, you are shaking, you are panicking, you are (numb from head to toe and trying so hard to feel) afraid. You don't know what the hell to do.

(So you do nothing but stare)

4.

It's one giant blur.

'Get help now!'

'S –Sango what happened to –'

(Her body is still. Not moving.)

'Inuyasha, what the hell happened?'

'Someone get me help now, oh…oh god there's so much –'

(Blood covers your hands, mats your hair, stains the green grass beneath her)

'Kagome don't die please don't die.'

'I c-can't stop the bleeding. Damn it…Shippo get –'

(Help her. Please god, someone help her.)

'What did you do?'

He (the monk) grabs your shoulders, his face pale (with a streak of crimson across his cheek and you know exactly what it is) and shakes you. You aren't sure when they arrived; one minute you were alone the next the forest was filled with their panicked screams. He shakes you again and you swallow (the words you want to say stuck in your throat).

You look away. You can't look at him, at them, at her. You can't look because you don't want to see. See the disappointment in their eyes, the fear. To see in their eyes that they know. (You are a monster, you are pathetic, you are guilty, guilty, guilty).

He smacks you hard on the face to get your attention (or possibly out of anger). Tears are running down his face but you don't call him on it, he's scared for her just like you are. He repeats his question, hands digging into your shoulders and you fall unto your knees, grabbing your head with your hands. The next few words tumble out of your mouth. Flowing out easily, as if your mouth has a mind of its own.

'It was an accident.'

And then you notice that you're crying too.

3.

He kisses her. You aren't sure why he does it but the bastard kisses her on the lips, right in front of you (though he doesn't know you're there). Rationally you know that it's probably just a friendly kiss, a kiss of goodbye (because she chose you and not him and he can't ever have her) but you can't control the anger that pulses through you. The fury of seeing him touch something that is yours. Of seeing her kissing him even though she doesn't mean it.

(So you break free)

You come out of your hiding place, your jaw set, hands clenching and unclenching into tight fists. She gasps in surprise but you barely hear her over your growls. Deep and resonating from your chest. She opens her mouth to speak but he (Kouga) steps in front of her, (to protect her from you because he can tell from your eyes that you aren't in control right now) and growls himself. Everything goes red as you attack.

(You did this to protect her from him, but who is going to protect her from you?)

And when the wolf is finally defeated, you turn to her –your friend, you lover, your mate –and you can't help but take a menacing step towards her (because she has betrayed you, because you aren't in control) as she takes a step back.

'I –Inuyasha, snap out of it,' she says. Scared.

So you take another step towards her while she takes another step back. You try to fight it, to gain control (an internal battle as you fight with your darker half, to fight to protect the one you love, to not hurt her, to not hurt them –)

You fail.

2.

You blink. Once. Twice. Your eyes burning with tears as you watch them over his shoulder, trying to save her. They're covered in blood, yelling out orders to one another while the Kitsune cries clutching her limp hand in his tiny ones. You should be there helping them. You should get up and try to do something, anything.

But you can't move.

It's strange how surreal this all is. As if this is all just a dream, a nightmare that you'll soon wake up from. But you know that it's real, by the stinging in your cheek, and by the smell of blood in the air (it's making you nauseous). And you watch them. Watch as they frantically cover her wounds, trying to get the blood to stop flowing. Watch as Sango looks up at you, a look of despair in her eyes.

(And you know exactly what those eyes are telling you.)

'They're gone'.

1.

'Inuyasha, feel this.'

She grasps your hand lightly in yours, placing it gently against her stomach. Her eyes shine with happiness, as she smiles (one of those smiles that manage to always take your breath away) and squeezes your hand tenderly. Her stomach feels warm against your hand and you're in awe as you can feel it move in her stomach (you still can't believe it's yours) it's tiny heartbeat reaching your ears.

You are in love.

Using her free hand she lightly rubs your ears (and despite yourself you hear yourself growl in pleasure even though she is convinced that it's actually a purr) as you lie your head gently against her stomach. The soft thump, thump, thumping of its heart lulls you into a state of peace.

You are happy.

You make a promise then and there to always protect her, to protect them from anything that would ever harm them –

0.

You failed