DISCLAIMER (IMPORTANT!): I've lampooned a fair few classic works of literature. It all started with The Iliad, which was reduced into a near-incomprehensible ten-minute movie with construction paper manskirts and the horse figurines in vaguely obscene acts. Then there was The Epic of Gilgamesh and Norse mythology, which were grossly misrepresented with an interpretive dance and rude sock puppets, respectively. Beowulf suffered a worse fate, being read from in a high-pitched nasal voice by someone wearing cardboard armor and a sword with pumps. You see I have a decent pedigree, plus the entire Monty Python collection, which warrant an undertaking such as this.

I can't say I'm religious. Hell, I can't even say I've been to a real church service. The only Bible I've ever had in my house was one I bought for the purposes of writing a research paper based on Judas' role in the non-canonical texts versus the canonical. I've studied Christianity (as well as other religions) and I'm considering minoring in the subject, so it isn't like I'm completely ignorant and just out to offend. The Bible is a great story and all, wonderful teachings that I think are (sadly) misconstrued by the modern church, but it's just that to me—a story. And all stories have points to be exploited. This started out as a for real, serious fanfiction based on the Gospel of Judas. However, I quickly got sick of being serious.

I apologize for the offensive results. If you think you will be seriously offended by this material (i.e. complete religious irreverence, a little language, pervasive gay jokes and Lucifer impersonating Gloria Swanson), DO NOT READ THIS FANFICTION! I don't want to read reviews of people condemning me to hell. But if you are a brave soul and perhaps are as ADD and easily amused as I am, by all means, read and review.

Thank you for your consideration,

--Jen


Judas stepped onto the dusty ground of the courtyard as the dimming sun descended into twilight.

"Is that you, master?" he said softly.

"Yes, Judas, I'm here."

Judas stepped forward with great trepidation. He cautiously peeked around to see Jesus' face, which was pensively cast towards the first emerging stars.

Jesus stood and motioned for Judas to be seated beside him. "I knew you would come here looking for me. I dreamt it. I must speak with only you, Judas, for the others would not understand."

"But everyone is waiting inside."

"Let them wait. I have much to say."

After a moment of hesitation Judas sat beside Jesus, who once again looked up at the darkening sky. Stars were beginning to emerge one by one, glimmering pinpricks of light through the fabric of the sky.

"I know, I know!" Jesus suddenly shouted.

Judas looked around. "…who are you talking to?"

Jesus looked back at Judas with eyebrows cocked in slight surprise. "Oh, sorry, nothing, nothing." Jesus cleared his throat and said, "Now I want to tell you—dammit, Dad, I know! I'm getting to it!"

Bearing a genuine look of concern on his face, Judas said, "Did you just call me 'Dad'?"

"No, I—yes, yes I did."

Judas nodded slowly, excessively confused at first, then just attributed it to being some completely incomprehensible divine knowledge of his master.

"Judas," Jesus said, turning and putting his hands on Judas' knees, "I need you to betray me to the Romans."

"What?"

"Do this for me—please, Judas. You're the only one who can—right, Dad, I know about the entire damnation bit, but I can't tell him that yet, can I?"

"Are you sure you feel all right, master?"

"Fine!" Jesus responded, turning a warning glance towards the sky.

Once again chalking it up to divine knowledge, Judas asked, "Why must it be me?"

"None of the other disciples would do this for me, but it is you I trust most. It is you I trust most… intimately," Jesus said, brushing his fingertips over Judas's cheek.

"Hold it!" a voice shouted from behind.

A bearded man entirely clothed in white, shining more radiantly than the midday sun stood in the clearing. He was holding a thick tome in his right arm, his left held akimbo.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Jesus?"

"Dad!" Jesus said, standing up, "Why are you always watching me? It's creepy. I'm not you're little boy anymore, I'm—"

Rolling his eyes, the bearded man said, "I don't care about that. But what you're doing just isn't in the book, Son."

"Isn't in the—oh, Dad, can't it be apocryphal?"

Judas sat in a state of wide-eyed shock, looking back and forth from divine father to divine son. He wondered if there had been something in the wine from earlier. He blamed John.

"Jesus, we write anything more and there will be more apocrypha than canonical text—I frankly don't think the Baptists would stand for such a thing."

Jesus sighed. "Next thing you'll tell me is that Judas here is my twin brother."

"Well there is Nag Hammadi text that…," God trailed off and then cleared his throat.

"Just… don't say anymore, Dad."

"If I may interrupt," Judas said meekly, his eyes cast to the pebbles beneath his sandals, "May I go lie down? I think the sun got to me today."

"No, you may not," Jesus said, "Once I talk some sense in Dad we'll have our discussion like I planned before."

Jesus winked and nudged Judas, who blushed and bowed his head again.

God put a hand over his eyes and said, "Jesus, you have to go by the book. You don't and the history of Western civilization as we'll know it may never come to pass—besides those Greeks, of course. But they're all gay, so they don't count. Especially not Socrates."

"Socrates always liked me more anyway," yet another mysterious, yet slightly effeminate voice said.

"Lucifer!" God shouted, "I told you to stay out of this!"

"You gotta let me have some fun every once in a while," Lucifer said, appraising his fingernails, "Unless, of course, you think it would be fun to mind the underworld every once in a while so I can actually make it to poker night."

"Completely out of the question," God said authoritatively. "You wouldn't want to go anyway. Zeus always cheats and then Shiva storms off in a hissy fit. Not to mention Thor, who hasn't shown up to a single game sober in over a century."

"You're just saying that so I'll stay in the underworld!" Lucifer said, sounding slightly hurt. "Well, this old queen won't be tied down forever—you just wait, God."

"With great anticipation."

Lucifer tossed his chin in the air and folded his arms over his chest.

"You two argue like an old married couple," Jesus said.

"There's a reason for that," Lucifer said.

Judas' mouth opened, then shut. He figured it best not to ask.

God cleared his throat and continued. "Why don't you go back to the underworld, sweetheart? You're starting to go Gloria Swanson on me."

"I'll be Bette Davis by the time you get home," Lucifer said, then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"He's been a little pissy since I said I didn't want to move in with him. I just think it's important we both keep our own apartments, don't you think? So it doesn't feel marriage, you know?" God said softly to Jesus.

"Yeah, I got it, Dad."

"Well then, back to business," God said.

Judas had started to creep away by this point, but God summoned a lightening strike just centimeters in front of the toes of his sandals, which sent him scurrying back to Jesus' side.

"Judas," Jesus said, "That is your name, right? Judas?"

"Yes."

"You, my dear friend, have a very important mission ahead of you. I assume Jesus has all ready briefed you."

"You might want to explain it again. I don't think he believed me," Jesus said. "And make it sound less James Bond-ish. I don't think this century is ready for that."

"Very well then," God said with a grin.