This…isn't what you'd expect. Let's just leave it at that.

Warning: Slight…okay, extremely suggestive content, and slightly OOC Vlad. But don't blame the poor guy, any lesser man would've completely cracked in this situation.

Disclaimer: As I have just taken a shower, I'm pretty sure that I'm not a guy. Therefore, I'm not Butch Hartman, and Danny Phantom doesn't belong to me. Now that I've gotten everyone feeling sufficiently awkward, let the fic begin.

Vlad was having a good day. The Packers had won their game, a business deal had proven to be extremely lucrative, and his new cat, Maddie, hadn't tried attacking him in over an hour. Quite impressive, really.

To top it all off, it had been over a week since Vlad planted a bug inside Daniel's room, and the boy still hadn't noticed. This was a useful little device, handmade by Vlad, and had a good range. Even in his lab in Wisconsin, Vlad could hear every word spoken in Daniel's room clearly. He sat down in his chair and turned the speakers on, settling for a few hours of spying.

As he turned the speaker on, Daniel's voice rang out clearly.

"Sam, I don't think this is a good idea."

"Oh, ease up, Danny. People do stuff like this all the time."

"Yeah, but…don't you think we're a bit young?"

"Stop overreacting, Danny. Your parents do this all the time, don't they?"

"Yeah, it's kinda hard not to notice…I mean, they're so loud, especially Dad."

"It must be annoying…"

A sigh. "You have no idea. Jazz pretty much deals with it by ignoring them, but I don't see how she does it—Mom and Dad can get really carried away sometimes. All the yelling and banging…"

Vlad frowned. What was Daniel talking about?

"But, uh, do you really think it's okay to be doing this? Shouldn't we just leave it to my parents?"

"Like I said before, Danny, a lot of people have probably done this before."

"Yeah, but not with something like that. Besides, it's huge."

Vlad was beyond confused.

"Eh, I've always liked the bigger ones anyway."

"Size doesn't matter, Sam, it's how you use it that counts."

"Ooh, did I hit a sore spot?"

"……"

A laugh. "You know I'm only kidding, Danny."

"Let's just get started."

"Hmm…will that fit? The hole might not be big enough."

"Maybe if we crammed it in as hard as we could…"

Vlad's eyes bulged. What was Daniel…and Samantha…were they…?

"No, we can't do that, you'll break it!"

"But that part's supposed to kind of tear when you put it in, isn't it? See, it says so in the book right here…"

"Danny, you can't go by the book, it's really based on personal preference."

"But some of the stuff's right, like the thing about the different sizes…"

"Fine, we'll do that part by the book. I just hope we don't mess it up."

"Here, you needed this, right?"

"Yeah, thanks…this position's right, isn't it?"

"I think so, but it's kinda awkward-looking." A grunt. "This…stupid…thing…won't…go in! Help me, Sam."

"In case you couldn't tell, I'm a little busy down here. Maybe you were right, it is a bit big."

"Then use the other one, that'll probably slide right in."

"You know, Danny, now that I think about it, I don't see why we need this thing while we've got you around."

"Hey, I can't do everything, you know."

Vlad's eyes were threatening to pop right out of their sockets. Daniel and Samantha couldn't possibly be doing what he thought they were doing! It was…it was…it was just sick and wrong. Completely paralyzed, he didn't even think to turn the speakers off.

Squeaky noises. "Wow, Sam, that's tight."

"Do you think some lotion will help? I mean, if it breaks, we might get in trouble."

"You mean like what happened with my parents a few years ago?"

"Yeah."

A pause. "This stuff smells weird…I don't like it."

"Danny, if we're going to do this again, you've gotta get used to it."

"But it smells girly!" Smack. "Ow!"

"Oops, my bad."

"You're even worse than Valerie."

Vlad twitched ever so slightly.

Sam's voice sounded stiff and forced. "Oh, so you've done this with Valerie before, have you?"

"Well, it wasn't really my choice, she just barged in one day and demanded I help her because she thought I'd be good with stuff like this, what with my parents doing it all the time and stuff."

"Heheh, their reputation precedes even you."

More grunts, then a loud "smack!" sound. "There! We're done."

"That was…kinda fun, actually. We should do it more often."

"It was a lot harder than I thought it'd be, though."

Vlad, who had broken free of his paralysis, swiped at the speaker, fumbling for the "off" switch. His hand slipped, instead kicking up the volume another notch.

"Maybe we should have Tucker join us next time."

Which a rather high-pitched screech, Vlad incinerated the speaker with an ecto-blast. That was the last time he would ever plant a bug in Daniel's room. Sighing, he collapsed back in his chair.

But his subconscious didn't feel like shutting up at the moment.

Why does Daniel get laid and I don't? a little voice in the back of his head whined.

Groaning, Vlad slammed his head onto his desk.

Miles away in Danny's room, the two teenagers stood up and carried away the large, badly assembled ecto-gun they'd spent the afternoon putting together.