Title: Girl Problems, (or, "It's a trap!")
Author: moor
Prompt: Period
Comm: KataraZuko
Notes: Inspired by the hilarity of LJuser second sadie's post to the 'Period' challenge. AU in having Zuko & Iroh joining the gang.
Disclaimer: Avatar is not mine. Apologies if OOC Zuko is too much, I'm new to writing fanfic! All crits welcome.

IN THE WOODS, GAANG CAMPSITE

"I'm just saying," repeated Toph, "that you may want to at least consider applying some of that princely charm you had beaten into you when you go ask her, ok?"

Zuko snorted and Toph threw her hands up in disgust. "Ugh! Why do I even bother?" she muttered to herself as she stalked off, leaving the young firebender to his impending demise.

Silly peasants – did they really think he, intended heir to the Fire Nation, couldn't successfully ask the waterpeasant to do a bit of mending for him, and make it out unscathed? So what if she was a bit moody today? It was probably just her idiot brother again, he figured as he walked over to where Katara was laundering the group's clothes in the river. No sweat.

"Prince Zuko, my boy, are you alright?" Iroh rushed over to his bedraggled nephew as he limped towards their tent, grunting in effort. "My goodness, what's happened? Are the platypus bears mating early this year?"

"Uncle, we need to contact the Fire Nation," said Zuko gravely, ignoring his uncle's questions. "Do we have any loyal provisioners and possibly troops left? I swear on my honour that we'll never use my requested materials against the Fire Nation. But this is of utmost import, and I need them as soon as possible."

Eyeing his nephew curiously, the former general rubbed his bearded chin thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose that would depend on what you're looking for," he said sagely.

"Strong armour. Preferably, customized, specially-reinforced body armour," the banished prince declared in no uncertain terms. He had a determined look in his golden eyes. "As soon as possible," he repeated. "Today would be most advantageous, but this time next month at the absolute latest." Trying hard not to appear as perturbed as he felt, he looked to his uncle for confirmation.

"May I ask why you require such a specialised item at this time, young man?"

"Absolutely not."

Nodding, Iroh rubbed his beard again. "Would this have anything to do with your insensitive remarks to the young waterbender while she was uncomfortable earlier this morning-?"

"Uncle, can we get the armour or not?" Zuko yelled irately, a blush tinting his pale cheeks. Anger or embarrassment, Iroh couldn't discern which – yet.

"So, she waterbended a bit of respect into you, then?" teased his uncle.

"No!"

"So you're still rude, then?"

"No, that's not it!" the prince retorted, fists stiff at his sides. "She didn't even try to bend, she was on her feet before I knew it, and she's just freakishly strong and accurate right now, and–"

"She beat you up without even using her bending?" remarked Iroh, astonished. "Oh Nephew, what could you have done to..." the gentleman's voice drifted off as he glared at his young relation, and the latter crossed his arms over his chest and turned away, definitely embarrassed this time.

Iroh waited a second before continuing. "Prince Zuko..." he said warningly.

Zuko stubbornly kept his eyes averted.

"Fine," stated the former strategist, glaring disapprovingly at the young prince and following a new course of action. "We'll get you some new armour," Zuko turned back to Iroh hopefully, "but first we're going to have a little talk."

Zuko's brow furrowed. "What do you mean, 'a talk' ? About what?" he asked the general suspiciously.

Iroh indicated they both sit on a log banked near the fire before picking up a stick and drawing some diagrams in the nearby dirt. Detailed diagrams.

Zuko's confusion immediately dissipated and he tried to make a run for it – but Iroh's strong hand on his shoulder held him firmly in place during the disturbing torture that ensued.

"You see, Prince Zuko," commenced Iroh in patient, fatherly tones, "when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

Several excruciating hours later, Aang approached the prince's defeated, hollow carcass.

"Hey Zuko! Whatcha up to?" he called brightly. He'd heard about the 'incident' with Katara, and admired the prince's stamina in his attempts at self defence.

"Go away, Aang," grumbled Zuko, still not ready to look at another human being so soon after his uncle's 'educational' lecture.

"It's ok, I heard about what happened earlier with Katara," sympathised Aang, patting Zuko on the back before continuing with his usual enthusiasm. "And Uncle Iroh's talk was pretty enlightening, actually! I mean, the air monks never told me about what to do when–"

"Stop right now!" commanded a desperate Zuko, paling and trying to control his constricted breathing. "That's... that's quite enough. Thank you for your concern, but everything's fine."

"But Iroh didn't tell you the three magic phrases!" insisted Aang, who now sat in front of the older boy, gray eyes pleading for an audience with the firebender.

"I don't see how my Uncle could have forgotten ANYTHING with such a... comprehensive lecture, Avatar," spat Zuko resentfully, teeth clenched.

"No, I mean for dealing with Katara when she's, uh... predisposed," corrected Aang carefully. "Sokka explained it to me pretty early on, and it works great! Wanna hear 'em? They may save you some future grief," he added knowingly.

Zuko watched the Avatar and mulled the offer over in his head. What did he have to lose, really? He didn't think it could get much worse than – he shivered – girl problems.

"So what are these 'magic phrases', then? And you better not be tricking me," snapped the prince.

Aang's face brightened and he wiggled his fingers happily as he enumerated each one.

"Ok! Trust me, these work every time," he confided confidently. "So the first one's pretty simple. It goes, "I'm sorry." Got that?"

"Sorry for what?" asked Zuko, confused immediately.

"That doesn't matter, trust me. Just remember "I'm sorry" as Phrase Number One. Got it?"

Zuko nodded hesitantly.

"Ok, then Phrase Number Two is, "You're right, it's all my fault." This one's longer, but equally important. So you can make Number One and Number Two a combo, should the need arise, and it will, so be prepared. Is this clear, am I going too fast?" asked Aang, temporarily halting his impromptu seminar.

"But what if it isn't my fault? I'm not apologising for–"

Aang waved his hands dismissively at Zuko's ignorance. "Nononononono, remember, logic and reality don't matter to girls with girl problems. Just remember the phrases, and we all get to live and fly another day."

"But–"

"Seriously, Prince Zuko, you need to learn this stuff now," explained Aang in a low voice. "Notice how Sokka's had twice as many girlfriends as you? See, he's already learned the magic phrases, and he's younger than you. I'm a LOT younger than you, and I'm a monk, and even I–"

"Ok, get on with it, what's the third one?" interrupted Mr. Irritable, fighting the urge to incinerate the impertinent teacher.

"Oh, right, yeah," said Aang, oblivious to the prince's wounded pride. "Now, this one usually works best if she's really upset, crying, that sort of thing, and you give her a hug afterwards."

Zuko stared at Aang suspiciously.

"What?" asked Aang, finally acknowledging the scrutiny.

Zuko shook his head. "Nothing. Nevermind. Ok, so crying, hugging," he cringed internally, "got it– what's the phrase?"

"Right, so this is the longest one: "It's ok, it doesn't matter anyway/anymore. I still love you." I've never had it fail me!" beamed the young boy, quite pleased.

"..."

"Zuko, do you have any questions?" asked Aang curiously, unsure what the prince's silence may indicate. He waved a hand in front of Zuko's glazed eyes. "Oy, Zuko?"

Rousing himself a little, the older boy stared at Aang a second, perplexed. "... You're not kidding me about the last one, are you?" he asked warily. "Does she ever even remember what she's like when she's like this? Does she have some kind of selective memory condition, or–"

Aang shook his head wisely. "No, Zuko, remember: logic and reality forfeit when girl problems come into play. We don't know what happens to their brains, we just need the three magic phrases. Now, do you understand? Nod once for yes, twice for no."

Zuko nodded once, curtly.

"Good! Good luck!" smiling, the Avatar bounded away to play with his pets.

Zuko watched the Avatar leave and set his shoulders resolutely. Time to test the waters.

Bringing firewood to the campfire, Zuko approached Katara as she prepared their evening meal. Taking a deep breath, he decided to start with Phrase Number Two.

"You're right, it's all my fault," he began sincerely, and paused for her reaction.

Looking up from the vegetables, Katara nodded a bit, but didn't say anything. Still unforgiving, he decided.

Immensely pleased he wasn't removing cutlery from any of his appendages yet, he continued. "I'm sorry."

Katara sighed a bit and pushed back her braid. "It's ok," she said. "I should have been more patient. I'm sorry. It's just, it's been such a long day, and I already had so much to do," she did sound exhausted, now that he was really listening to her. "So when you came by, and I already had a pile full of things to clean," her voice was breaking up– oh no please not this, I'm not ready for this yet, he thought, "it just pushed me right over and I couldn't stand it, and no one appreciates what I do, and and and–" she crumpled into a waterfall of tears, covering her face with her hands and sobbing in despair.

Zuko panicked. He heard the Avatar's confident words in his head, "I've never had it fail me!" but he wasn't sure he was as trustworthy in Phrase Number Three's success rate as the Air Nomad.

"Um... I'm sorry?" he ventured tentatively, patting her lightly on the head from as far away as he could reach.

Katara shook her head and cried louder. "I'm so useless, I can't do anything right! I don't know why anyone puts up with meeeeee!" she wailed.

If he didn't do something soon, he'd be facing another lecture. He blanched, swallowing, and decided anything was better than that.

Taking a deep breath and steeling his nerves, the brave young price kneeled down, gathering the unhinged girl into his embrace. He sat down on the log with her across his lap, shushing her and repeating variations of Phrase Number Three quietly in her ear. Rocking her back and forth, she slowly started to calm.

"Come on, it's ok. It doesn't matter anyway. I still love you, and it'll all seem better tomorrow," he lulled, gently brushing her hair away from her face. "It's all my fault, I'm sorry."

Hiccupping a bit, she nodded into his shoulder and eventually relaxed. "Thank you," she said softly.

"It's ok, it's all my fault. I still love you," he repeated, marveling at the Avatar's genius. He didn't have even a single scratch on him! It was a miracle!

The peaceful moment was broken by Sokka's enraged screams as the Water Tribe boy broke through the treeline into the camp.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER?!"

Oh shit.

"Oops, I guess Number Three may need to be adjusted for you specifically," commented Aang innocently from a nearby tent. Arms behind his head, the air monk walked nonchalantly away from the disaster bearing down on the trapped prince.

"Wait, Aang, what are you–?" began Zuko desperately as realisation dawned on him.

"Bust-ed!" cackled Toph from her rock tent a short distance away. "Hello, 'awkward'? Meet 'painful'!" she called sarcastically to the young firebender.

"Not funny, Toph!" retorted Zuko quickly, as he rapid-fired through his options. "Uncle, where are you?" he called out, furiously searching the site for his only hope.

"Your uncle isn't getting you out of this one, Zuko," growled Sokka, eyes murderous and knuckles cracking. "Taking advantage of my sister while she's vulnerable, that's low, even for a firebender." He advanced on the pale young man.

"No, wait, I wasn't taking advantage, I swear! I was following Aang's advice-!" stuttered Zuko, putting up one hand to ward off the forthcoming assault.

Katara's eyes sharpened and she gripped Zuko's tunic-front tightly in iron fists.

"You mean you don't really love me?" she asked frostily.

Oh no. Ooooh nonononononono...

Sokka smirked as true fear blossomed through the firebender.

For the second time that day, Zuko painfully cursed girl problems.

"I'm terribly sorry it got so out of hand, Nephew," consoled Iroh. "But Aang wasn't kidding about that nearby tea-exchange. It was quite the market!"

Zuko groaned in pain. He now fully understood why the Water Tribes forbade their women from learning combative waterbending, and instead relegated them to healing huts.

It would be a massacre if they were ever having girl problems when it came time for war.

/end

/03Jan2007
/AN: Odd, but I kinda like it! (Sorry if the OOC was too glaring!)
/AN: Comments and crits are forever welcome!