Disclaimer: Neither Artemis Fowl nor Harry Potter belong to me.

Sick of confusing crossovers, predictably unlikely relationships, OOC charactars and chronic incontinuities? Here be the fic for you.
For this to truely emulate the fics we all despise, I would have to add poor spelling and vile grammer. I have decided not to, simply because they render a fic unreadable.
Chapter one features an Artemis Fowl crossover. Meant with respect and love for all charactars concerned (except maybe Ron W.)

'It has been revealed to me there is more purpose to this fanfic than a parody about fandom crossovers and our extremely twisted relationships' - Hermione

It was a new Hogwarts year, and everyone was gathering in the train station for Platform 9 ¾.

"Harry!" screamed Hermione Granger, a girl with hair so bushy two owls were nesting in it

"'Mione!!" screamed back Ron Weasley, a boy with bright red hair that was shoulder length, so that people knew he was being rebellious.

"Voldemort?" cried Harry Potter, a boy with a scar on his forehead and a rather one track mind. He shoved his trolley away in front of him, and in a whirling of his cloak pulled out his wand. "You shall not pass!" he screamed. There was a pause, and then the trolley vanished through the ticket booth that marked the entry of Platform 9 ¾. All of the muggles who had turned to stare suddenly had chronic memory failures and went home confused.

"Silly Harry-Warry," said Hermione affectionately. "It's just me."

"'Mione-Wione?" he asked nervously, and slowly put his wand away.

"'Mione, I've missed you, despite the fact that we spent the summer together and only just separated so Harry could buy maltesers," Ron cried.

"Well, never mind that," she said jollily. "Let's get seats on the Hogwarts Express." All of the remaining muggles turned to stare. "I mean on the Polar Exp-, I mean the Flying Dutch- I mean the perfectly normal train." All of the muggles nodded and went back to ignoring the people who were vanishing through the ticket barrier between platforms 9 and 10.

Hermione took Ron's hand dramatically, and they both blushed, and then ran through the barrier. There was a pause and then Harry came through too.

"Sorry," he panted. "The ticket inspector looked vaguely like Rookwood, so I cursed him to be on the safe side." They all smiled at how clever he was.

"It's Harry!!" all of the Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor girls screamed, and they all leapt on top of him (the Slytherin girls had already buried Draco Malfoy).

When Harry had gallantly cursed the lot of them, the threesome all found one compartment and sat in each others' laps.

"Look," Hermione cried, pointing to the boy passed out in the corner of the compartment. "It's our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! He's mega brilliant, and I know his name is Artemis Fowl because I am totally psychic." Artemis opened his gorgeous blue eyes sleepily.

"Good Heavens, are these the ruffians I'm supposed to be educating?" He murmured to himself, and then smiled gorgeously. "Hello, I am indeed Artemis Fowl. You know, I have a fandom all my own, but I thought I'd come and holiday in yours, as I've heard that there is only one person of any intelligence in the whole fandom. You must be Miss Granger." They exchanged a super-intelligent secret wink. "My mega bodyguard would be here to be introduced too, except that he is currently pounding Draco Malfoy into a pulp so that I can be the most manicured person in Hogwarts this year." The three nodded understandingly. Artemis smiled gorgeously again. "And you must be Harry Potter?"

"He is a genius!" Harry cried. "How ever did you guess?"

"I have my ways," Artemis said smoothly. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to find a luxury compartment to myself." He put on a pair of sunglasses and walked out, and a shimmery bit of air followed him.

"I don't get it," Harry said, confused. "Why are we being introduced to crossover characters before we meet any of our own bunch?"

"Well, Artemis only gets one scene, so it's best that it comes early on," Hermione replied.

"Hoot," said the owls in Hermione's hair, because everyone had forgotten about them.

The door to the compartment slid open a minute later, and Neville crawled in.

"This is a bit early for auxiliary characters," Ron said, forgetting that he is, essentially, an auxiliary character.

"Yeah, shouldn't Draco have come by for a sneer by now?" Harry said wistfully.

"Hello, I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Neville asked, through a split lip.

"Not at all," the threesome chorused, still in each others' laps. Neville looked happy.

"It's a good start to the term, you know. So far I've only been run over by a trolley, crapped on by Trevor, used by Malfoy as a shield against this totally huge man and told by ten girls that they will die before they date me."

"Go Neville!" the threesome said. He smiled and passed out, having played his purpose of adding comic relief to our threesome's horrifically angsty lives.

"If Draco doesn't get introduced soon the angst may lead to me committing suicide," said Harry sniffily.

The door opened again and a hook-nosed young woman who was surprisingly short and had some sort of blaster in her hand poked her nose (which was hooked) into the compartment.

"Ouch! Watch where you're putting that thing!" Harry yelped.

"Sorry," the short woman said. "Anything from the trolley, dears?"

"Pumpkin pies," Harry said, and she gave him five.

"Oh, and by the way, my name is Captain Short. I'm a fairy, and I'm looking for Artemis Fowl. We're faced by an army of angry moles and we need him!"

"Third compartment on the left," Hermione said. "Anything else? I know everything, you know."

"Will Foaly and Opal Koboi ever get it on?" Captain Short asked. Hermione thought for a minute.

"Even though these people are totally removed from my fandom, won't make an appearance and half the readers don't even know who they are, I can predict that they will have lots of lovely little baby centaurs together." Captain Short smiled and removed her confusing presence from the fanfic.

"Who were those people?" Ron asked. "I'm confused, and I don't like Artemis. He makes me feel inferior."

"But he's so hot," Harry breathed. The other two twisted their heads at awkward angles to look at him (since they were still on each others' laps). "What?" Harry asked defensively. "Where does it say that Harry-Draco slash is allowed, but Harry-Artemis isn't?"

"Did I hear my name?" a silken voice asked. They all turned to stare as Draco Malfoy, wearing elegant black which totally complemented his pale complexion and made him look simply divine, slunk into the compartment.

"Draco," Harry whispered, all thoughts of Artemis in his underwear gone out the window (thank god). "You look amazing."

"Wait, you're supposed to be beaten into a pulp by a random and so far unnamed character," Ron said.

"I deduce that his name was Butler," Hermione interjected. Everyone ignored her, because Draco was just so very very yummy.

"How do you look so damn perfect?" Ron wept. Draco smiled in a way which suggested chocolate sauce, crimson silk and hot sex.

"Well, Longbottom took the worst of it, and I just needed a few minutes with my trusty make-up bag to touch the face up again." Behind him Grabbe and Coyle (who were already transfigured into girl slugs) groaned underneath the two tonne bag. Draco frowned in a way which suggested all of those things mentioned above, as well as the possibility of interesting crumpets.

"Remind me, are we bitching, fighting, working together or shagging?"

"Can't we do all four at once?" Harry asked. There was a pause as Draco turned this over in his mind.

"Yeah, I suppose we could try that." He and Harry stood up opposite each other.

"There's some lifesaving information I must risk my life to tell you, you son of a mudblood, and I'll curse you whilst I'm at it!" Draco screamed.

"You forgot the shagging part," Harry said sadly.

"You hot little bundle!"

Ron and Hermione managed to be violently sick simultaneously into Neville's hat, but it's ok because his purpose in this chapter is served.

"Wait," Hermione cried. "Before you two get it on there's something I simply must tell you!"

"Yes?" they all said together.

"It has been revealed to me there is more purpose to this fanfic than a parody about fandom crossovers and our extremely twisted relationships!" The others all gaped at her, together.

"Truly?" they all said together.

"Do that one more time and I shall hereby belt you all across the mouth," she threatened. They all said nothing together. "It has also been revealed to me that a Mary Sue has come to us from America," she cried.

"Oh joy, someone for me to lust pointlessly over!" Ron yelled.

"Huzza! Someone for me to seduce and totally mock you with," Draco smouldered. In the black, with his silver eyes and blonde hair, he was really good at it. Everyone edged away from him, because hitherto no one had ever smouldered verbally before.

"Whoopeee, someone to kill Voldemort for me and then drag me off to bed!" Harry yelled.

"Flooby," said Grabbe and Coyle together.