W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d

B y A b i l e n e K e e g a n

~ 7 ~

Abby could feel it the second she stepped up to the door. The emptiness, the abandonment. He wasn't here. She knew that without having to knock on the door and have it confirmed. She'd come here in the hopes that perhaps, after two weeks, Luka would at least listen to her. That he might let her explain things a little better. She knew now that there was no hope of that. Because he wasn't here.

She had decided against calling first, knowing he'd never talk to her over the phone. She also hadn't even considered asking the desk clerk whether or not he was still staying at this hotel. Why wouldn't he be? She hadn't even considered till now that he'd have left. Left without saying a thing to her.

Abby hesitantly reached up and knocked on the door. In her heart she knew that if there were an answer it would be from someone she didn't even know. Luka was gone. She wondered how long ago he'd left. Where had he gone to?

"Can I help you?" Abby looked over as an elderly man approached her position in front of the door.

"Is this your room?" She asked him already knowing the answer.

"Why yes, it is." He took out a key card from his pocket, one that Abby knew would unlock the door and let him in. "Were you looking for somebody?"

Abby faked a smile and nodded her head. "Yes, I guess he must have moved on. Sorry to have bothered you."

"No bother." The man began but Abby was already headed down the hallway towards the elevator. Her heart was breaking. She needed to see Luka, more now then ever before. She felt the overwhelming urge to find him and assure him that Carter really didn't mean anything to her. That she didn't love Carter she loved him. Abby had a sinking feeling in her stomach. One that said she was about to lose the most important part of her life.

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Abby walked into the ER and for the first time didn't care what everyone around her was thinking. The rumors were still persistent. Everyone talking about what had happened between her, Luka and Carter while none of them really knowing what had happened. Still they sure liked to talk about it. They pretended as if nothing was different when she was around. As if none of them realized the sudden absence of Luka Kovac. But the second they thought she was out of ear shot all the gossiping started over again.

It was really obvious what had happened. Luka hit Carter, Carter and Abby no longer talking. Didn't take a genius to figure out she'd slept with him. She'd even heard some speculate to the possibility while others, foolishly, stood up for her saying 'Abby Lockhart would never do something like that'. Yes, Abby thought, at one point she would have said the very same thing about herself.

Abby pushed open the lounge door and stepped inside. She wanted to go home. Her emotional state had been so severely attacked in these past few weeks alone that it was doing damage to her physical state as well. Though it was only three in the afternoon she felt exhausted and ready to collapse.

She needed somebody to talk to. For the first time in her life she truly wished that she had a good girlfriend relationship with someone, anyone. If she had had that then perhaps none of this would have happened in the first place. She wouldn't have needed to rely on Carter for support and therefore she wouldn't have slept with him. Of course, Abby realized, if she'd just gone to Luka and talked with him about her fears then she'd be with him still.

Abby had told Carter that Luka had never been there for her. She knew that wasn't true. He'd been there and he would have been there for her that fateful night two weeks ago if she'd just gone to him. She knew that Luka cared about her. She even knew now that he loved her. What she didn't know is why she couldn't, or wouldn't, accept this love. In her heart she knew that having an emotionally deep relationship with Luka Kovac could be the best thing to happen to her. The thing that would pull her out of this self made room of pity.

As Abby pulled her pink coat out of her locker and turned back around, slamming the locker harder then needed, she realized she wasn't alone in the room. Across from her Carter stood fixing himself a cup of coffee. She looked at him uncertainly and didn't fail to notice his purposeful disregard of her presence in the room.

"Hi, John." She stated almost sadly. She had hurt him so deeply and knew he'd never forgive her. Yet the need to try and make things up between them was strong.

"I was just leaving." Came his only reply as he tossed a plastic spoon into the waist basket and stepped towards the lounge door.

"John could we at least talk? Please." She pleaded with him but he promptly ignored her.

"No." Carter stepped through the door and out of Abby's life. Again.

Abby felt her entire world crumbling down around her for the hundredth time. And she had only herself to blame. She'd destroyed its foundation.

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Carter stepped out of the lounge and quickly made his way to the stairwell at the back of the ER. He wanted to talk with her. God knows he wanted to talk with her. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it. In his heart he knew it would do him no good. Because the comfort he needed from her he knew she'd never give. So talking with her wasn't going to do him any good at all.

As he climbed the stairs, leading him up to the roof, he could only wonder about one thing. How he was going to get over this one? He'd had his heart broken before but he couldn't remember it ever being quite so painful. He'd always known he shouldn't mess with Abby until her and Luka were broken up and he was certain there was nothing remaining between them. He now knew why he'd made that rule for himself. He only wished he'd kept it.

He crossed the rooftop to stand at the edge of the building. He looked down and watched as an ambulance pulled up to the hospital and opened it's doors to drag out a gurney. He'd always thought that being rushed into some strange hospital after an unexpected accident had got to be the worst thing in the world. He now knew better. He'd whether have been thrown in front of a speeding truck then have his heart broken by Abby. Of course, he should have known this would happen.

Sleeping with her had just been a huge mistake. Even if she had admitted to being in love with him afterwards it still would have been a mistake. Because it was just too soon. They'd been friends for so long and to go from a close friendship to sleeping together that quickly was not right. He shouldn't have allowed it to happen. He should have simply gone with his first plan. To slowly let Abby realize how much he cared about her and that he loved her. But he'd been trying the slow plan for so long he'd just gotten tired of it. He'd needed to be close to her. And he couldn't have gotten any closer.

"John?" He heard her voice soft behind him and closed his eyes briefly preparing himself for the ensuing conversation. But knowing there was no preparation for this.

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Abby waited for him to turn around and face her. She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him. She didn't know how to explain this all to him when she couldn't even explain it to herself. Nonetheless she had very little choice. Even if her and Carter didn't stay as good of friends as they'd been she still had to try. Try to get some kind of relationship back with him.

"Abby," He spoke as he turned around to face her. "I really have nothing to say to you."

"Nothing? John two weeks ago I had sex with you and you have nothing to say about it?" She was angry now. Why did he have to keep doing this? It was obvious he couldn't avoid her forever so why couldn't he just talk to her. Tell her what he was really feeling and giver her a chance to try and explain things some more. Why did he have to be such a stubborn jerk about it all?

"Okay Abby. Why did you sleep with me? Why the hell would you sleep with a man that you have no feelings for? Sounds somewhat like something a sl-" Abby stared at him intently the second he cut his sentence off. Her eyes were daring him to continue. To say, to call her, what he'd just been about to call her. He didn't take the bait. Instead his voice lowed some as he asked again simply. "Why'd you sleep with me?"

"John I was vulnerable that night. With what you'd said to me earlier. A fight I'd had with Luka. My med school application. It just all got to me finally. You were there and I made a huge mistake."

"Gee, thanks." Carter turned back around to look out over the roof. Abby quickly moved up a few steps so she was standing beside him. She to looked down over the roof and couldn't help but remember that afternoon two weeks ago when, if it hadn't been for Luka, she may have jumped off this very roof. She still wondered if she'd actually have done it. She still believed she would have.

"John it was a mistake because you are my friend and I want you to be my friend. That's all I've ever wanted from you. I'm sorry if I went to cry on your shoulder too many times then was appropriate. I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you. And if you're in love with me then I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry you feel that way because I know it's only causing you pain. Because I don't love you, not like that-"

"Not like you love Luka." He cut her off, his statement stern and filled with venom.

"Not like I love Luka." Abby confirmed. It was the only thing she could do. He needed the truth or they'd never get anywhere. "I can't help that I fell in love with him and not you. I can't even tell you why it happened. When I first got involved with him I didn't love him. He was barley my friend. Which is why I never went to him to talk but to you because you were my friend and I knew you so well. But I was just getting to know Luka and I didn't want to ruin that or hurt things with him. Even from the start I knew, even if I didn't already have something with him, I could have something with him. I was so afraid of hurting that chance. I was afraid of him finding out who I really am so I went to you instead and I just didn't realize that I'd be hurting things between us. I slept with you that night because, I don't know why I did it. Comfort? Fear? Need? I don't know. I just needed something and I went about it the wrong way and I am sorry."

Abby waited for his response. At this point any response would do. She held back her tears as the moments ticked by. She knew that whatever he said next would confirm whether or not they had any sort of friendship left. One that could be saved.

Just as she knew he was about to say something about four ambulances came around the corner below them, sirens whaling. Almost at the exact moment the ambulances all pulled up to the ER both her and Carters pagers went off. She looked down at hers quickly. 'Return to ER, 911'

"Guess we have to go." With that Carter quickly darted across the rooftop and to the large metal door. She waited till after he had disappeared through it till she made her way to the door also.

As Abby made her way back to the ER she had very little hope that the last important person left in her life would be there much longer.

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End of Chapter 7

Disclaimer: The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.