Thanks
to Wannon for editing.
~ Fading ~
"So, where are we all
headed?"
Cloud looked uncomfortable. "I was thinking of heading back with Tifa,"
he said.
Tifa nodded happily, impervious to
Cid's demeanour. Her arm was linked
with Cloud's, although that looked more at her instigation than his.
Vincent didn't answer, or even
look at his allies. He walked off,
obviously prepared to leave. Damn cold fish, isn't even gonna say
goodbye, Cid thought bitterly.
"Where the fuck you off to?" He shouted after him. Vincent didn't look back, but his answer cut
cleanly through the air. "I have fulfilled
my purpose, now I must pay the price."
Defeating Sephiroth was his purpose? "Hold up a sec there
vampy, you ain't leaving without a proper goodbye!" His teammates reactions were lost on him; Vincent was the
important one. Didn't any of it mean anything to him?
~ * ~
It all happened so quickly. The way our team formed. A band of misfits tied together through our
hatred for Shinra and our desire to 'save the world.' Rebels, outcasts, sympathizers and exiles bound to defeat the
greatest general the Planet has ever known.
And somehow, in the middle of the
fighting – both internal and external – I met Vincent. And I ain't talking about your
'how-do-you-do-pleased-to-meet-you' type deal.
I met Vincent.
Within our team there were always
people that related better… or worse.
Sure, we all got on enough not to kill each other, although there were
some close moments with Barret and Cait Sith… You'd think Aeris and Tifa woulda
had issues, them both being in love with that spiky-ass kid, but they got on
fine. Best of friends they were, most
of the time.
We all had issues with Yuffie at
one time or another.
"Yuffie, where's my fucking
Materia?"
"Zounds! My Materia is gone!
Yuffie!"
"Foo'! What you be doing with my
Materia!?'
You get the picture. She's a nice kid. Tough. I might even like
her a bit if she didn't keep doing those damn fool things. Vincent for one never fully forgave her for
the whole mess in Wutai. He holds a
grudge well does our Vincent.
Nanaki makes good conversation, bit
too highbrow for me. It's funny how
quickly you get used to a fucking lion beast talking to ya.
The one person I really got on
with though, was the cold, depressing, and sometimes downright sulky
'monster.' Vincent. He listened to me, I think. He never answered. Not, as some supposed because he was cold, or because he didn't
care, nor because he had nothing to say.
Hell, the guys been frozen or
asleep or some shit for over 30 bloody years, do you think he feels comfortable
talking with us? Half the crap we're
going on about doesn't mean shit to him and the rest of it he's too bloody shy
to comment on.
'Stern and upright man of mystery." Read that line in one of them tabloids. Bullshit!
He's some poor guy who got burned by a woman and then experimented on by her boyfriend! Then, he wakes up 30 years down the
line. The woman's son is an insane
murderer trying to kill the human race, the woman herself is missing, presumed
dead and the boyfriend is alive and well and still up to his damn experiments.
To top it all off, he has a major
guilt complex that the whole thing is his fault and he's gotta pay for it! Not exactly light conversation is it?
We first 'met' in the Shinra
basement. He didn't even notice me of
course. Too busy talking to Cloud,
finding out what Shinra was up to, what he'd missed. He was beautiful. I don't
think I ever used that word in relation to a guy before. Beautiful.
Pale, dark, deadly but beautiful.
He came with us to 'atone for his
sins,' payback Shinra… and Hojo. I
truly don't think he woulda gone back to sleep though. For the first time in decades he saw a living person, had a respite from his nightmares. However much of a monster he says he is, he is very much human. And we just ain't meant to be alone.
We didn't 'fall in love' or
anything like that. We talked. Well, I talked; he listened.
Long nights waiting for dawn. Talking til my throat was raw, just to know
I was alive. Sharing my dreams, holding
him in his nightmares. I'm his only
friend. The only one who knows it all. Even Vincent doesn't realise how much he
gives away. Muttered phrases, screamed
names divulged in unguarded sleep. I guard his sleep…
~ * ~
Gold Saucer: Where it all blew up in our faces.
Nothing was the same after
that. I really have to see it as the
beginning of the end. Not just for
Vincent and me either. Cait Sith showed
his 'true colours.' That's a bit harsh
really, he's a nice guy. He has a
shitty job, but he does his best for the people. But that one little action lost him a lot of trust. Cloud, quick to trust, not-so-quick to
forgive. And I think he lost Barret
forever with that one treacherous action, then he made it worse by threatening
Marlene.
I was angry. I remember the anger. Hot, pure and barely controllable. Vincent was too, I could tell by the slight
tightening around his jaw, the rigid bearing as he stalked to the hotel. But when we got there it was all
anti-climatic. We talked and eventually
we grew tired. Vincent said something,
I can't even remember what, but he indicated it was time for bed. I could see Tifa and Aeris giving us
speculative glances but they couldn't have been more off track. We weren't lovers, not then.
We just enjoyed each other's
company. I don't know if that is the right
word. Enjoyed. We discussed
things, our pasts. We didn't have to be
strong. I held him when he had
nightmares; he told me my dreams would come true. He talked more when we were together and I swore less. I don't know if we became more ourselves, or less but when we were
together it didn't matter.
When we got to the room, he closed
the door. Adding to the speculation no
doubt. I said something, asking him if
he realised what they were thinking about us.
His answer took my breath away.
"Would that be a bad thing?"
It was hesitant, a tone even I had
never heard him use before. Does he mean…?
"No…" I didn't want to commit
myself too much when I wasn't sure what he was asking.
"Just for tonight, to make it seem
real…"
How could I refuse my beautiful
dream?
Afterwards, he admitted I was his
first. Not his first ever, but his
first man. I found myself wishing that
I could say the same. That night he
didn't dream… or at least there were no nightmares. And even I, who sleeps well normally, felt more at peace.
After that, nothing was the
same. Not for Vincent and me, not for
any of us. Everything went downhill
from the Gold Saucer.
~ * ~
Once we reached the Temple of the
Ancients, nothing was going to be the same.
Cait Sith redeemed himself somewhat.
Tseng met his demise there, and Aeris took his death a lot harder then
she let on. She said something to me as
we made our way through the maze.
Something about 'familiar faces twisted by hate.' She was determined to stop it. Stop the hate. Stop Jenova.
Her face would become twisted
with grief whenever she saw Sephiroth, grief for his lost soul… because it was
his mother, not him who inhabited his body.
She loved almost too much, because she got hurt so much because of
it. I found myself vowing to never love
that deeply, because I never wanted to be that hurt. Vows you make by daylight that fade by night.
He retreated from me too, in all
ways but that one. As if he too was
afraid of pain. I wanted to tell him I
loved him, so that it would mean something.
But it didn't, not when that was all we had. He wanted it to be that way.
Just sex. So no one would be
hurt. But we lost the reason behind it
with that logic. And I knew that I
would be hurt, should it come to that.
There was no time to think, barely
enough time to act… just enough time to love.
We had our brief moments of pleasure, amidst all the pain. Moments of
lust, glimpses of smiles, jokes that only I would laugh at… though I told
myself he was laughing inside, and who knows, maybe he was?
~ * ~
After what transpired there, and
at the forgotten city it became real.
People we loved had died, and if we didn't succeed more people
would. There were so many people that I
would miss, my town, Shera, and of course my family – retired in Kalm. Vincent though, seemed to have no one, I
asked him about it.
"What are you fighting for?" I knew what he'd answer.
"Justice, redemption…
atonement." Not always the most
original of conversationalists. Or the most
uplifting. But that wasn't the answer I
was looking for.
"What makes it personal for you,
Vincent?" I was almost afraid of the
answer. Scared of what it could mean for
us. I learnt more about Vincent that
night than I had through all our previous weeks together.
He told me exactly what that
bastard Hojo did to him. The details of
Lucrecia's betrayal. All told in a
calm, detached tone with all the guilt placed on himself!
I held him that night, though he
tried to pull away. He thought he was a
monster… not worthy of my touch. We didn't say 'love'. Not yet.
~ * ~
Even fighting became
monotonous. Each battle representing a
wall between our goal and us. Enemies,
weapons and attacks all blurring into a faceless parade of death and destruction. Would there even be a Planet left to save? And yet, through it all, keeping me sane was
my cold-hearted lover. Things stand
out in my memories, time when he'd touch me so lightly, just so I'd know he was
there. Night spent in his arms, his
name on my lips.
Then, there was Space. The great unknown, my other dream… my other
love. For the first time since Meteor
appeared I felt completely in control, my
rocket was going to save the Planet.
Through the power of Science we were facing the Universe in its
backyard. Course Vinnie (I'd never call
him that to his face) nearly wrecked the moment with his doom 'n' gloom,
blabbing on about it being "a long rest" and all that shit. I was too high on the feeling to listen to
what anyone else was saying though.
Then came the moment, I was
trapped, stuck, dead. With sudden
clarity I saw myself through others eyes, through the Planets eyes, through the
Universe, and I realised how small and insignificant
I – and my whole world – were. The
stupid kid and Vincent wouldn't leave me, even though it was obvious that I
wasn't going to be shifted. Course,
with Shera's help, I did get out… so I guess I should be grateful that my
friends are so stubborn.
It was magnificent beyond words.
I learnt my place in the universe and I was humbled by it. I felt I had to share my vision with
everyone, and I knew more than ever that our cause was just.
And of course, with this new
understanding came unwelcome knowledge. You see, I was wrong. All the years I spent blaming Shera when it
was my fault. And she put up with it, because, get this,
she believed in me. Believed in my genius, my dream. She loved me.
I felt this over-whelming sense of
guilt. I had stolen her life from
her. Years where I treated her like dirt. And still she loved me.
Unfailing, selfless devotion to 'The Captain.' What could I do in the face of something so pure? All she wanted was a place among the
stars. That's all. A place in my heart.
I had to give her something, my conscience wouldn't allow
for any less. And of course, in my
normally brash way, I gave her what I thought she wanted. What my guilt thought was the right thing.
It was mercifully short, and not
overly enjoyable, for either of us. And
all I could think of was Vincent's red, red eyes and his pale beautiful face. Then she looked right at me and said, "I
love you, Cid, I always will." And she
told me not to worry, to go, to follow my dream, and somehow I knew she was
talking about him. I was glad to be free, and I just hoped that
he'd understand, even if I wasn't sure that I did. The guilt didn't strike me till later. I had wronged her again.
So all the time I was preachin'
the big picture, about not worryin', I was dying inside cos I might have lost
him. Sure, I believed everything I was
saying, and I had to convince everyone of how important it was, but even as I
told the team 'bout space and the sheer bigness
of it all and how the Planet was so small,
at the same time I was talkin' about me… and just hoping that Vincent wouldn't
retreat again.
He never mentioned it, and when I
tried to explain he looked right at me and told me that I had nothing to
explain, that we didn't have that sort of relationship, I could do what, or
whom I wanted. That hurt worse then any
censure. He cheapened our relationship…
I
cheapened our relationship.
~ * ~
We came through everything
relatively intact, or so I thought.
Rebuilt trust. I'd tell him
about Shera, and even though he pretended not to listen, I could see that he
was. The amazing thing is, I could tell
the exact moment when he forgave me, when things went back to normal. Normal as they ever had been anyway.
The middle of one of those 'all or
nothing' missions. This one was
particularly tense cos the kid was a vegetable and somehow I ended up in
charge. We were trying to get some Huge
Materia, and save North Corel at the same time. And I got stuck stopping a fucking train! I bluffed my way to the controls and then
was faced with the much-more-complex-then-you'd-think task of braking the damn
machine.
Vincent looked at me and said
something, which went right over the top of my head cos he called me
'Chief'. That was the closest he ever
got to a joke. He has never called me that during sex, or
anything else for that matter. I was
too busy saving our asses to mention it at the time, and afterwards it seemed
too trivial to bring up.
Except for Yuffie of course. She made a point of hasslin' me about it
each and every chance she got. Not
Vincent though, some things just aren't done.
So I had to put up with some pipsqueak calling me 'Chief' in a soft,
breezy, put-on voice while Vincent sat there and very casually smirked.
Sure there were light moments, in
between all the doom 'n' gloom and general urgency that Meteor casts upon ya.
~ * ~
Then Cloud told us to go off and
find what we were fighting for, or some shit like that. Where was I supposed to go? I guess I coulda made a fly-by-night trip
through Rocket Town, course now I guess it'd just be called 'Town', but the
only thing that really mattered to me was already with me.
Vincent practically flew off my
Highwind. I was almost scared that he was gonna decide it
wasn't his battle and go back to atoning or something.
He proved me wrong again, of
course. He just walked off slowly. I wasn't sure if he expected me to follow
him, or if he wanted some privacy or what, so I trailed him as far back as I
could. I was bloody positive he didn't
know I was there til he stopped, turned, looked right where I was hiding and
said:
"Cid, you can come out now."
Course I tried to bluff my way out
of it, but he just nodded and indicated where I should sit.
"I don't have anywhere to go," he
explained the out of it au natural
setting. I hadn't really being paying
attention, tryin' to keep track of him, so for the first time I took in the
surroundings. Nice. One of those really pretty looking forests
that people cut the trees out of and stick lodges in. Here, there was just a pretty dismal looking hovel, but the sheer
majesty of the Planet's creation made up for it.
"Makes ya wanna fight for her,
don't it?" I said, remembering my vision of the Planet as a child in need of
protection. Vincent looked
thoughtful. He reached out to touch my face,
then he rubbed his hand against the bark of a tree.
"Both of you are perfect," he
said, "created through the Planet and sustained by it. Every living thing has an obligation to care
and protect for its creator."
I smiled, because he was so perfect and sincere, but then
his expression turned melancholy. "That
was my sin," he continued, "I failed in my duty to protect the Planet." And Lucrecia. The mention of his lost love was silent but obvious.
So what I did seemed obvious, I
pulled his face towards me, kissed him on the lips and told him the truth, so
long unspoken between us.
"I love you, Vincent." And I meant it. I loved him, with
everything in me. I was fighting for
him as much as for the Planet. Because
without him the Planet wasn't worth fighting for. I knew that it was selfish but I didn't care. I wanted to tell him that before it was too
late, I didn't want to regret not saying anything later.
"I…" He couldn't say it, not then,
not there. I silenced him with a kiss
and told him that I had wanted to say it, but he didn't have to. He nodded, grateful and I grinned.
"Besides, we both know you do."
He didn't laugh, but I'm sure I
saw him smile… a little.
We decided against spending the
night in the hovel, it was even more decrepit inside, and Vincent prefers open
spaces. Not surprising considering the
time he spent in the coffin.
We left before the sun came up
that day*, but just before we reached the ship, Vincent stopped short and
turned towards me.
"I love you too." The simple statement wasn't in typical
Vincent vein, and despite my earlier claim of knowledge I felt myself swept
with overwhelming joy. He actually said it! I pulled him in for a quick kiss that
swiftly turned into a not-so-quick kiss.
Course everything went to hell
then anyway, that was our last real time together before we faced Sephiroth "in
the bowel of the earth" or whatever the hell Vincent called it.
We saw Cloud and Tifa having a
"moment as we climbed aboard my ship but figured they had to find their reasons
for staying.
Then what? We fought that son of a bitch (though
Vincent wouldn't approve of me callin' her that) and won. I wish I could take more credit for it, but
the real hero was Cloud. A fool kid
with a big sword defeated the best general fucking Shinra ever had, course we had
the Planet on our side, which helped some…
~ * ~
Cid's face went through lightning
quick changes of expressions as the memories swept through his mind. Images of
faces, sound clips of conversations, memories of feelings, of moments, of
love. The memories lay fully intact in
his mind, eager to be remembered. The
whole kaleidoscope of memories took only a couple of seconds to re-emerge – all
at once – overcrowding his mind for a brief second.
"Was it nothing for you?" The
questing sounded panicked, strained, as if he was scared.
Vincent stopped and turned, not
even pretending to misunderstand.
"It was everything for me," he answered, oblivious to AVALANCHE's curious
stares.
"Then where… why are you leaving
me?" No one was used to hearing Cid sound like a lost little boy, but the
whipped dog expression on his face, and the small, subdued voice leant greatly
to this impression.
Vincent looked at him, genuine
surprise on his face. Cid cringed
inwardly, prepared for total rejection.
Then thin arms embraced him and Vincent was gently kissing his forehead.
"I assumed that you were coming
with me," he revealed, before stepping away and walking towards the door.
"Wha-? Fuck!" Cid was not at his
most coherent. He couldn't believe
Vincent had made such a public show
of affection.
"Woo-hoo!" Yuffie catcalled, "Go
chief!" Her mocking tone had an almost
admiring note to it though. It must
have taken a lot to get Vincent to open up like that.
"How the fuck could you do that to
me?" Cid yelled, covering embarrassment
with anger.
"Are you coming?" Vincent asked, in lieu of answer. It was no good talking to Cid when he was
abusive. He'd learnt that from Shera.
Cid looked taken aback. "Of course I'm fucking coming!" he yelled,
"I love your uptight, claustrophobic, vengeful, melancholy ass!"
Vincent actually laughed. "And the rest of me?" he asked without
turning around. Cid shook his head,
then realised Vincent wasn't looking.
"That I could do without," he mock-sighed," but needs must…"
"We're all still here!" Yuffie protested, having made herself
spokesperson, "We don't wanna hear this!"
Cait Sith gave his equivalent of a
grin, "Speak for yourself," he protested.
Cid looked at them all, "Haven't
any of you got fucking lives?" he asked, but didn't bother waiting for an
answer.
"Wait up!" he protested, heading
out after Vincent's retreating form, "I'm coming with you!"
~ THE END ~
~ Dedicated to Luci K. and coffee ~
