Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda don't own Naruto

A.N.: So I'm browsing through the story listings, and every once in a while something will catch my eye: a good plot, or a unique pairing, or a catchy synopsis. And after I'm drawn in, after I'm ready to read what I hope to find is an amazing story, I find out the author's dirty little secret. Oh it's an AU POV Mary Sue Song-fic, but it just didn't list it. Grrr. So I made this story, and it's pretty much a rant of all the cliche OOCism, randomness, and bad writing that I could think of. Oh and I could write more, but it was getting long as it is. If you've ever read a story that made you think, "Oh man, what is this author doing? Do they hate Naruto? Is that why they're writing this way?" This story is for you. Let's commiserate together.

Long ago in the newly formed village known as Konoha tragedy struck...

It was a time of hardships and grief as the village suffered under a horrible demon that plagued the lands. The demon, who was only called by the number of tails he had was a cruel oppressor to all lands and all villages. Even with that being said, the village he enjoyed tormenting the most was Konoha. It is believed the reason he did this was because their fire based jutsus tickled him, but that's largely based on tabloid rumor.

It was the job of village guardian, the second Hokage, to protect and eventually destroy this monster, though the task was seemingly impossible. In the end he decided that the only way to one day defeat the monster was to use the strategy of divide it and then conquer it. After years of slaving away at devising a technique that could do such a thing, the village was on the brink of devastation, but they had found a way to be saved. In the end, it was a not so notable day in December amid the freshly fallen snow that the Hokage dealt and defeated the Fifty Five tailed demon, splitting it into ten different demons, each with a different number of tails.

While most of the demons ran to the different ends of the continent, each licking their wounds from being split apart, the ten-tailed demon stayed in the village to seek revenge.

Without a second thought, the Hokage and his anbu crew each placed their strongest seals on the demon, encasing the powerful evil spirit in a small gem. In fear that the gem could be stolen, or broken, or even dropped off the titanic by a sentimental elderly lady, the council of Konoha agreed that the gem should be swallowed by a person so as to hide it. Unfortunately, all volunteers of this agreement were turned away because the greed of the power was apparent in all of their eyes.

It was the Hokage himself who snuck the gem away on Christmas Eve night and fed it to an unknown child at the local orphanage. This way, the gem would be hidden from the world and hopefully, when the person died, the gem would go to the grave with the body.

It really was an ingenious plan, except that little did he know, that orphan girl he fed the gem to was none other than Mary, the last of the Sue clan, and it was her goal to one day become Hokage!

Incidentally, this story is not about her.

Our story actually takes place in winter also, but has absolutely nothing to do with the intro. Why it was even mentioned, I can't say.

And so, our story begins...

Like orange lightning, Naruto sprinted down the streets of Konoha, determined to be the first customer of the day for the Ichiraku Ramen shop. The crunch of snow could be heard under the sandals of his feet, and even though the stinging cold of weather nipped at his exposed feet, there was only the thought of Ramen on his mind. Well maybe Sakura too, or even Sasuke if you're into that kind of story, but mainly it was just the Ramen.

Oh the Ramen. With the long slender noodles freshly made, rolled, cut and cooked; Naruto could just imagine all of the love and tenderness that was boiled into every bite by the Ramen shop owner. He was sure that today would be the day that he would have TEN bowls of ramen, and there was significance to that number. Not because it was also the number of tails the demon inside Mary had, but because Naruto usually got full on nine bowls. Like I said before, this story has nothing to do with the tale of the Ten-tailed demon turtle.

Oh? I never mentioned that the demon from before was a turtle? Well it was. How can a turtle have ten tails you ask? Well it can if you think of ... never mind - back to the story.

Turning the final corner, Naruto skids along the iced-over side walk and slides right into Sasuke. The impact from the collision causes both boys to topple over until they're on the ground together. Naruto recovers slowly from the fall, rubbing gently at the side of his head where it hit the ground. It's a few moments later when he realizes that he's sitting across the lap of a dazed Sasuke.

"Oi! Teme! Are you okay?"

He leans in close to inspect the fallen Uchiha, and notices the twinkle of a tear in his eye. Could this be that the sadness of his family's slaughter that is finally let out? Could it be the sorrow in his heart from all those years of being alone that now hangs at the corner of his eyes? Or could it just be that Naruto knocked him to the ground really hard and it hurt? All of these things are unsaid in the angst that is Sasuke's life.

They're unsaid, of course, until the number one most unpredictable ninja asks.

"Oi! Are you crying?"

"NO! A bit of snow fell on my face. Now could you get off? I can't just lay here all day."

"Neither can I as a matter of fact! I've gotta run and get my ramen!"

Without an extra word wasted, Naruto is up off of Sasuke's body and running down the street. Naruto doesn't waste a second breath on Sasuke as Ramen once again dominates the realm of his thoughts.

Somewhere, on the other side of Konoha, Shino does something with his bugs. Any and all girls around him become a bit queasy at the sight.

There's a spark, two sparks, and finally fire as Shikamaru plays with Asuma's old lighter. He watches the flame dance to and fro according to the winds manipulation and smiles; for a genius he's surprisingly always been amused by simple things.

(Random Change to POV Fic)
The fire is mesmerizing. I like it's lively warmth burning against the sea of cold white snow swirling around it. With this lighter, I could burn down the whole world...

He pulls in another breath full of air through the cigarette hanging on his lips. The stuffy burn fills his chest, filling his mouth and lungs. Without pulling the cigarette out of him mouth, he blows a sharp burst of smoke through partially parted lips. The smell of his new found hobby wafts through the air, which carries the scent to a nearby languid teammate.

The overly audible cough she makes is her way of showing her contempt for his actions without words. She coughs again for good measure when her first volley of disapproval is either ignored or unheard.

"Did you need something?"

"I NEED you to stop smoking; it makes you smell horrible, and it makes me smell horrible too after I'm done hanging out with you. Why do you keep smoking anyways?"

"Look everyone has their bad habits and this is mine. Besides it's something to do and keeps my mind busy from over thinking."

"You know, I... I could keep you busy, right?"

The message she sent couldn't have been more clear. The offer was there as plain as day as she embarrassedly awaits Shikamaru's answer. The cigarette that was a relief from his overbearing thoughts falls from his slack mouth as he blinks heavily, as if his eyes are swallowing the sight of her.

His tongue twirls around, and he's deep into the pleasure of it now. The smooth texture of ecstacy is only overcome but the heavenly taste of the sweet wetness. There is a desire by him to take more and more into his mouth, but first he knows he has to ingest the delight currently filling him. His eyes roll up in gratitude of moment, has there ever been anything in the world quite like this? Sure he's thought his past encounters were good, but could anything compare to how he feels now?

It's so hot that he can feel the steam collect on his brow and he wonders if she thinks his enjoyment is bordering on obscene. His hands hold tightly to the smooth platter before him as he again buries his head in the bowl. After another endeavor into pure bliss, and before he can dive down again, he looks up to waitress.

"This Ramen is sooooo good."

Compact snow flies through the air to assail him, but is quickly stopped short by the sand that unwittingly protects him. His laborious sigh is as long as it is deep; he supposed he'd never be like a normal kid.

It didn't help that he came from the prestigious family of the most recent Kazekage, and what complicated it more was the fact that he had a one tailed demon inside of him. All he wanted was to be average now that Naruto had shown him the error of his ways. But the truth of the matter was that he wasn't average. Gaara of the Desert was far from the typical teenager.

There was many things in life that had been forced on him. Things that made him feel like his path in life was already chosen. He was set apart from everyone else growing up, he was different and he didn't like it.

Snowballs fly in from multiple directions all at once, and without flinching, without dodging, none of the projectiles find their way to the target. Again he sighs.

No one accepts him, no one even wants to talk to him. The reality is that he doesn't have much in common with most people. Heck, he doesn't even fit in with the emo crowd because he can't cut himself.

The living sand he once called his mother now fights back against all the people that threw snowballs. Gaara can hear the whistle of the sands' attack in all directions.

After a light smack is heard in the distance behind him, he hears the shouts of Kiba's complaint.

"Hey, no sand balls!"

And again he sighs.

Added AN If I write another chapter, expect me to make fun of stories that pair everyone up like it's a friggen dating show. I'll tease high school AUs, crossovers, crack-pairings, blatent OOCism, and more. Don't get me wrong, I like some of those stories from time to time... when they're written well...