Disclaimer: The songs "Everybody Knows" belongs to the Dixie Chicks and "Who Knew" belongs to Pink.
Ch. 20: …A Life Interrupted
That was last fall, and it's summer now. June to be exact. I've been back in the States for nine months and I feel like I'm reliving the past six years in reverse. Back then I use to wake up every morning expecting to be either at home in my room or in my dorm at college, with everything turning out to be a bad dream. Now I wake up every morning and expect to see the opposite. I still expect to hear Shayna say 'Good Morning' or for Tashir to wake me with a kiss. But they're not there. And I can't tell people why I cry every morning because they won't understand.
I was told I'd been found by the side of the road not five miles from my parents' house. I was taken to the local hospital and that was where the doctors and police figured out who I was and contacted my parents. That kicked off a media frenzy about "the abducted college student who miraculously turns up nearly six years to the day of her disappearance". Reporters from newspapers and tv stations from all over the country wanted to talk to my family and friends about me, and so we didn't have a moment's peace for ages.
The media had sketchy details about me, but they all knew about the scars on my back from the preliminary details the police released. They all knew I spent the first few weeks home in self-isolation because I couldn't deal with the circus threatening to breakdown my fragile mental walls. They all knew I was scared and confused but refused to back off. They wanted the juicy story and they'd be damned if they were going to miss any detail. So they were there when I was reunited with the rest of my family, when I saw my childhood friends for the first time, when I decided to try and go to a movie. They were always there.
But I never gave them the one thing they wanted: my version of events from the time I went missing. When I was initially interviewed by the police I simply told them I didn't know what had happened to me, that I couldn't remember. It was easier to say that then to try explaining what I believed to be the truth.
The doctors had taken one look at the scars on my back and determined I'd been attacked by something. But because there were no similar scars anywhere else on me, they thought I'd been tortured. Yeah, like I was honestly gonna say the mutant cousin of the Killer Rabbit was to blame.
The psychiatrists I talked to all said I had suffered from some sort of severe mental trauma along with emotional and psychological abuse, which would explain why I'd mentally blocked out the last six years. The theory was I found them too painful to deal with so I suppressed them. That diagnosis was followed by weeks of therapy and hypnosis to try and recover the memories as to give the police something to go on in their investigation.
But I never let them hypnotize me. I let them think they had, but I was smarter than that. I knew if I told them what I honestly believed happened to me I'd be given a one-way ticket to a psychiatric ward. I knew the psychiatrists would think I was crazy and a possible danger to myself, so they'd keep me so drugged I wouldn't be able to function. So I never told anyone; I kept it to myself and never breathed a word of what I thought I knew.
But my parents suspected I was hiding something, especially my mom. We'd always been really close and I think she expected me to at least open up to her if no one else. But then the fights started when I didn't, which caused a rift between my dad, brother and I. So I moved out of my parents' house and in with my best friend, Shannon.
Shannon tried not to get involved but Mom tried to coerce her into forcing the info out of me, which caused an even bigger fight one night. Mom even came right out and said she knew I was hiding something and demanded I tell them what I knew. I stuck to my story that I didn't remember and called my mother delusional. I said that she was looking for someone to blame and was trying to take it out on me. Mom hasn't talked to me since. Every now and then I'll talk to my father or brother, but not Mom.
Then four months after I turned up, Shannon and I decided it would be best if we got away from there. She'd been thinking about moving to Chicago for awhile and we both figured that was a good time to do it, so we did. We got away from the media circus and my family, and it felt so liberating to not have them lording over me anymore. We were on our own just like we'd talked about since we were kids.
We had a hard time finding a job for about a month and just lived off savings, but we both were hired at a night club on the south side that was kinda like the movie Coyote Ugly. The girls who worked there adopted a false personality and we'd serve drinks, dance on the bar, and sing to the songs the DJ spun. The punk-rocker chick persona I adopted was my therapy; it's how I vent my anger and pain now. I never would have dreamed of doing something like this years before, but it's funny how people change.
So I've been in Chicago for five months and I don't feel any closer to 'normal', to being whole. There's no one I can tell about what I remember because I'm afraid they'll lock me up for being crazy. I mean, think about it. I have vivid memories of being in a kingdom and meeting people that only exist in a fantasy book. I would swear on my life the memories I have are real but I know there's no way that's possible.
And I can't prove it either. The white chunks in my now short and spiky hair can be explained away as premature graying, and the doctors already have an explanation for my back. And I don't dare try and use my Gifts as proof, because what if I'm just imagining them? I still have them, as in I can still use them, but I don't dare. As much as I would love for it to have been real, the memories I have are most likely the result of my mind trying to cover up the fact I was kidnapped and tortured for somebody's twisted pleasure.
So now I'm sitting here on the shore of Lake Michigan, writing down everything as my only way to cope. This is the only way I can relive the memories and not have them haunting me, as if writing them down will purge them from my mind. But at the same time, I'm not sure I want them gone because I was happy. I loved my job and was loved by so many in return, and I may never have that specific feeling again.
But it's not like I haven't learned anything. I now truly know you don't have to be a millionaire to help people and that even little acts of kindness can go a long way. When Shannon and I were looking for work I started volunteering at a couple of homeless shelters in the city as a way to not only help others, but myself too. It was sort of a way to prove my "training" as a Herald, to help those who need it, wasn't for not. And it helps to fill the gaping void where Shayna used to be. But it's not enough.
I miss them. I miss them all so much. It hurts like hell that some days, like today, I just can't be around other people. I want nothing more than for someone to come up to me and tell me it wasn't just a dream or a bunch of false memories. I desperately want to hear Shayna's voice in my head again, to trade barbs back and forth with Trine, to have Nia yell at me to take it easy and fawn over how lucky I am to have Tashir, to fight with Kris over something stupid. But most of all I just want to feel Tashir pull me into his arms and assure me everything is going to be alright. I want it all back so much.
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I closed my notebook with a sense of finality and looked out over the cool blue waves in the lake. Normally water helps calm me, but not today. Today I'm unreachable; just lost in my own crazed mind. I know someday I'll be okay again. I mean hell, if what I remember is true I ended up being okay in the end, but it took me about five years. So I know someday I'll be okay, just not right away.
I jumped as my phone rang from its place in the sand next to me. The caller ID said it was my friend from work, Melissa.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey Jennifer. I have a mondo huge favor to ask you. As you know I went out of town for a college visit, but on my way out of town my car stalled out and the mechanic says it's the alternator or something and he can't get the part in until tomorrow, so I was wondering if you could work for me tonight. I know it's your day off, but I already tried Carly and Sean and they can't, and I know Shannon's already working, so could you do me this huge favor? Next time you need a day off or want to play hookie just let me know and I'll cover for you. Please, I really need you to do this for me?" she begged.
"Didn't you just buy that thing last month?" I questioned.
"Yeah and the guy I had check it out said everything was fine, so I'm totally going to make him explain himself. Jennifer, please, can you work for me tonight?"
I thought for a sec before relenting. "Okay, sure. When do I need to be there?"
"Nine. Oh Jennifer, thank you sooo much! You have no idea! Kisses!" and she hung up.
I flipped my phone shut and wondered why I agreed to work for her. You know she's just playing hookie so she can spend more time with her boyfriend. I'm too nice sometimes. I need to be bitchier and say no.
I looked at the clock and saw I had to be at the bar in a couple hours so I needed to head home. I gathered the rest of my things and started towards my car. As I sat down and turned the key in the ignition, I couldn't help but think that a year ago I'd been riding a horse-thing as my primary mode of transportation and never thought I'd be driving a car again. No, don't think like that. It wasn't real and the sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. Those memories aren't real. Just your mind playing tricks.
I shook my head to clear it, turned on my car and plugged my iPod into the adaptor. I was about to pull out of the beach parking lot when the next song on my playlist stopped me. It was Everybody Knows by the Dixie Chicks.
Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile?
I can change like colors on the wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it oh so well
Steppin' out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
Looking through the crowd I search for something else
But every time I turn around I run into myself
Here I stand consumed with my surroundings
Just another day of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry, you'll never see me cry
Steppin' out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
They say I'll pay the price
That's a chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm tellin' lies
But I just call it getting by
Steppin' out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standin' out, so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
When the song ended I found myself sweating and tears silently falling down my cheeks. I'd listened to the song before and liked it, yet I'd never really listened to it before, but then I'd only downloaded the CD a couple weeks earlier. I didn't realize how closely that song related to me until that moment. It was rather unnerving.
I wiped the tears away hastily and pressed the 'next' button a couple times, hoping for something like Nickleback or Red Hot Chili Peppers would come on. Instead it was a song by Pink, but not one I wanted to hear at that moment.
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out, cause they're all wrong
I know better cause you said forever and ever
Who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again, I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong
They knew better still you said forever and ever
Who knew?
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
I sat there and sobbed for what seemed like hours, but when I looked at my phone I saw only thirty minutes had passed. It hurt. I felt like those two songs had ripped my heart out of my chest and set it on fire, since together they spoke exactly what I was feeling. I missed the life and love I'd had and that felt so real. I sat there and let more tears fall freely, and for a moment almost thought I heard someone whisper, "Everything will be alright."
"But it won't. How can it be okay when I miss them so much?" I whispered to myself. By force of habit I reached up to touch my dragon necklace, but my fingertips met only skin. Then I remembered that it hadn't been among the things the police gave back to me. The object that helped me gather strength to make it though the days was gone, and with it was my identity as a Mage, in an off-hand sort of way. That just made the pain worse. "How can it be okay when I don't know if it really happened? How can it be okay when I'll never know if I was really happy? How can it be okay when I feel so alone? When I can't Feel Shay anymore?" I sobbed. And sobbed.
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Do you ever get those days when you wake up and you just know it's gonna be a bad day? Or no matter what you do, you always end up feeling like the butt end of a cruel joke? Or have you had one of those completely life changing events that comes outta nowhere and your life is suddenly the topic of a Lifetime movie? I have, and I'm not sure if it was the worst or best thing to happen to me. In roughly six years I lost everything and everyone I'd ever known, only to gain things I only thought possible in my wildest dreams. But I think the worst part is I'm not sure it really happened. I have evidence it did, but logic dictates the opposite. But if it did, I know I'd give anything to gain it back.
And now, let the hate mail start coming!!
Sugoichicken
3/18/07 Edit: The sequel is now up and running. Look for Reality Check: Taking the Long Way. You know you want to. :D