Okie so here it is. A new story. It's probably gonna be a one shot as it is though I'd like to write more but meh that depends on what you guys think. I haha honestly am nervous about this story. Its new territory for me so I would like to hear what you guys think. As it stands its fine. So if you don't like it I don't have to continue. Lol I'm not even expecting anything. So thank you to those you read this story.

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I can't help the tears streaming down my cheeks as I walk to the only place that I can truly feel comforted. Sweets and Sins, a erotic food bakery owned by my best friend, Sesshomaru Taisho. Yes I know that he is a youkai and that youkai and ningen did not get along. I knew all this but he had always been my best friend and I think that he would always be. Don't get me wrong; Sesshomaru did not like humans as a principle yet he and I had always had an understanding. Since that time so long ago, that incident that we do not talk about.

Right now I needed him so badly. It's almost desperation. As I rush down the crowed Friday night streets, blindingly bumping into people as my tears suffocate me. At any other time I would have been so humiliated at crying in public but you see today was supposed to be the most special day of my life. No one can blame me for crying. It feels like my heart is breaking… well maybe it is. That's why I need Sesshomaru. I feel the pressure in my chest and it threatens to rush out as a scream

Why had I been such a fool? I should have known. God I should have known.

I can't stop the self-deprecating thoughts and I feel my throat work on a painful swallow. I struggle to fight the pain that threatens to over come me. I hardly hear the hustle around me as my mind wonders, struggling to contain the pain of an overwhelming heart break.

Why am I crying you wonder. Ha I am such an idiot. Why would I have ever thought... God and I think about all those times that I had… my thought trails way as I struggle on a sob. I can feel the on coming head ache. Fighting the tears always brings it on. I know my eyes are probably red rimmed right now but I cant even care..

He told me he loved me.

That jerk.

I gave myself to him. I gave him my innocence! I thought I was special. It all started about a month ago. I am a history major at Tokyo University. I've always loved history. I think that stemmed from the fact that my best friend is hundreds of years old and he use to tell me all those wonderful stories about our past. Well okay most of it was bloody but there was such beauty to it. The traditions and all, that well I knew listening to him, I wanted to explore that field.

The Semester had just started and I was so excited. I could hardly wait. I could imagine it. Just like when I used to be in high school. After school I'd go to Sweets and Sins and Sesshomaru and I would go in the back of his store and work, talk, eat and just enjoy each others company. I think back then I even had a crush on him. Maybe I still did but I never wanted to jeopardise our friendship.

But as they always say, the best laid plans of mice and man, for on that first day of class we met our TA. Now I know I'm not much of a looker. I'd pass as average on an extraordinary day so I never dreamt of there being more between us than my admiration of him from afar. But then he had spoken to me. I never understood why he would come to me instead of all the other beautiful girls who had made it plainly obvious that they would give him anything.

But his words… I cant stop the tears as they rush out hotly. His words had been so beautiful to this love starved woman. He'd told me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He had said that he wanted to give me the moon, and sing songs to my beauty. He said…. I can feel my throat tightening as I remember all his whispered promises. His words of love for me. I was so stupid. But no one had ever said that to me before. My face scrunches up, my eyes clenched tight as I remember that particular day. I cant help pressing a hand to my lips to try t stifle the sobs that had already began. It's so hard to breath

If only I had listened to Sesshomaru. Just remembering how I had shouted at him when he tried to warn me. It makes my heart hurt. But how could I be blamed. I was twenty years old and apart from a mild interest from a childhood friend I had never had a boyfriend. Could you blame me for not wanting it to end? You can't blame me for it. How can you even think something like that? I had no experience. I knew that Sesshomaru was my friend and he was looking out for me but I didn't want those wonderful feelings to end. Can't you understand that?

Yea I told him I hated him and I never wanted to see him again and it's been over a week and I haven't seen him since but I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. I love him. He's the best friend I've ever had. But he was being so cruel in that way he's so famous for. He was telling me… oh I don't care that he was right. It was just… it felt like he was being mean. I mean Kouga had been the only male to ever show interest in me ever and he was like saying how Kouga was a playboy and he just wanted to fuck me. He actually said fuck! I had never heard him say such before and it shocked me. And before I knew it, we were shouting at each other saying horrible things.

But he is my best friend and I need him right now. You see… I can't help the bitter laugh that mingles with my tears as I think of it. Before that huge fight I had with Sesshomaru, Kouga and I had been having such a great time. At least I thought that we were. I used to think that we would get married and I'd have his children and it made me feel… I felt such awe in thinking that I would be his one and only. I knew that I wanted him to be my first. Of course now I realise that that had just been infatuation but how was I to know that back then? I had been blinded by my first crush.

Even so I had been worried about giving myself to him. I admit that I was scared okay? I had never done it before and I didn't know how to do it I head that it hurt a little and well I didn't want to disappoint him because ten he wouldn't love me anymore. I was afraid that he would take his love back and I would have done anything to keep it. But that fight with Sesshomaru had been the catalyst. I remember how upset I was. God if I could have, I'd have beaten him up. And he had looked at me with such superiority.

Okay so I went to Kouga's house for the wrong reason. I just had to prove him wrong. Kouga loved me. He wasn't just looking to "fuck" me. He loved me. Fine! Leave me alone. So I wanted to prove Sesshomaru wrong. Its just he had played on one of my insecurities. He had so bluntly pointed out that someone like Kouga could never love me. I wasn't his type. "Kouga likes gorgeous girls with big boobs," Yea well he hadn't told any of those "Gorgeous girls with big boobs" that he loved them. He's said that to me . Why did he have to take that away? I can feel myself becoming angry again just remembering it all but what's worse is that he had been right and all I wanted now was to go to him and hug him and ask him to forgive me

See on that day I'd gone to Kouga's house and I forced him to have sex with me. Notice I didn't say make love? I know I'm inexperienced but I just know that that was not it. That just can't be it. He didn't seem like the same Kouga who had said those things to me.

He was grunting and panting over me and well I always imagined feelings of love and pleasure when making love but he didn't even seem to know it was me, like any female body would do and when he penetrated me god it hurt. He didn't even make sure I was ready, but I loved him and so I bared it for him. I held him and pretended that it felt good but the tears couldn't stop. Finally he gave a tiny shudder and he got off me.

There was no cuddling or talking of love, no warmth whatsoever. He just got off me, he didn't even look at me as he walked into the bathroom and shut the door. The silence… I clench my eyes against the fresh wave of tears as I remember it. He just got up and went into the bathroom and nothing. I lay there naked and disappointed. That couldn't be it is what I thought but I don't know. He didn't come out, so feeling humiliated I got dressed and told him I was leaving hoping against hope he would ask me to stay.

I think my heart died when I heard that grunt of acceptance. I left and convinced myself that it was my imagination. But I knew that was not so, when he started to avoid me. I'm so embarrassed to admit that I left several messages for him, but what can you expect? I gave myself to him. He was my first and shouldn't a woman be allowed to want to talk to the man who takes her virginity? I mean, I know this is the 21-century but I'm an old fashion woman.

But today, after days of no response, he finally made it all clear.

I can see Sweets and Sins up ahead. I'm so glad. I rush into the warm building hoping to see Sesshomaru but the place is packed. I guess I should expect that. It's selfish to expect he would be waiting for me at anytime. I know that he saw me enter so I just walk over to my usual sit and wait for him patiently. I feel so pathetic sitting there in that booth, my eyes red from my eyes my skin blotchy and pink. I feel so stupid. a fresh wave of tears follow that thought, splattering onto the clean wooden table

I just want to die. I want to disappear. God make the pain stop. The man I had thought I loved. The man I had given myself to had completely humiliated me. I think I'm going into shock. Its like everyone's fading. I feel like I'm trapped, I don't even think I'm breathing anymore. I don't even care. I can die right now. Oh it would be so preferable to facing the truth. But I can't stop seeing him.

Kouga…

I gave you my love…

Yet I had not really loved you. I know that now. I know that I had been in love with the idea of being in love. But it still hurt. I can still see the hatred in his eyes so clearly. Its pronounced and pointed. Right. At. Me. What did I ever do to deserve a look like that? Oh wait he's about to tell me. I can hear him as if he's right in front of me. And it's no surprise. It had been but a few hours ago. He had been so cruel. He callously humiliated me before a huge percentage of the school population.

"Why can't you stop bothering me you stalker? I don't want anything to do with you. In what world would someone like me love a pathetic ugly ningen like you? You disgust me. Leave me alone."

How could he be so harsh? Where did that sweet youkai go? The tears are flowing freely now and well I don't care. I just want to shrink into invisibility. Maybe I should just leave. I don't want to talk about this to Sesshomaru. He didn't think I was worthy of one of his fellow brethren youkai either. I'll just go home and never come out again.

I get up to leave. I'm sure he wont notice anyway. The store is hot and loud. It's almost cramped with customers so I can escape almost easily, unseen. As always. The world never changes. Someone like me. Such cruel words. But this was life and it was time I stopped living in a fairy tale. There is no prince who will look at me and love me completely with all his heart. Love did not exist and it was time I stopped wanting it.

As I exit the building into the cold night air, I feel tight hands wrap around my wrists. The grip was firm as I heard my name on the lips of the only person to ever matter to me. "Kagome," he sounded like he is in pain. I look into his eyes and he seemed anguished. I had forgotten that I was crying.

"Who made you cry Kagome? Was it that idiot?" he asks so gently as he wipes away my tears. His hands are so tender that it made me cry even more. I launch myself into his arms crying like my heart was breaking.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I can't stop the words or the tears. I just want him to hold me and tell me that it will be all right like he always does. As his arms tighten protectively around me I feel… treasured. Like I matter. He holds me to him as he comforts me. We don't say anything else. We just stand there in the cold, holding each other…