Naruto: No More Yaoi

Chapter 2

The office of the Fifth Hokage was in an uproar over Naruto Uzumaki's abrupt departure. Several clan heads, council members, merchants, and local loons were clamoring for Tsunade Senju to take action.

"You ought to have his head on a pike for this!" roared a man who smelled strongly of cat urine.

"No," interjected Hiashi Hyūga, "I say we should just let him go." 'That way he won't be anywhere near my daughters,' he thought, knowing well Jiraiya's reputation for turning people into perverts and womanizers. That Hatake kid, for instance, had been an upstanding citizen before Jiraiya had gotten a hold of him. Now the boy read porn in public!

"When Hell freezes over!" spat a traveling produce vendor, "That little bastard ruined my cabbages!"

"Yeah!" agreed a rotund bank teller, "I say he should be drawn and quartered!" The Leaf branch of the Land of Fire National Bank had been at odds with Naruto Uzumaki ever since the day the boy had humiliated their security using nothing more than three thimbles and a wet noodle in an event known only as "The Noodle Incident".

"Wasn't he trained by Jiraiya, though? I think that gives him amnesty, or something. After all, he was able to leave the village for three years, right?"

"Yeah, but wasn't that a training mission?"

"Bullshit! Training mission? You don't get paid to train!"

"But do you need to get paid for it to be considered a mission?"

"Gee, I dunno, ain't that the whole point of the freakin' ninja system!-?"

"SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP, YOU OBNOXIOUS BASTARDS!" Tsunade bellowed authoritatively, "I want every civilian in my office to get the eff out, right now!"

"Hey, we aren't your ninja, so you can't order us around."

Tsunade snarled before smashing her fist on her desk, causing the desk to shatter with an explosive force. This quickly silenced any dissent. "Get. Out."

The civilians scattered like leaves in the breeze, leaving behind a bushel of badly shivering shinobi.

Tsunade turned to the handful of people left. "Now, I am going to organize a crack team to bring Naruto back here, at which point I will issue him a harsh warning. Okay?"

The gathered ninja nodded fearfully.

"Good. Now, bring me… Sakumo."

"Err… Sakumo's dead. He has been for nearly twenty years."

"… Holy crap! How come I never heard about this?"

"I think you were still mourning the death of your lover when it happened."

"Oh. … Well, that would explain why he hasn't been showing up for his missions..."

The shinobi present could only stare at their leader in disbelief. She had been giving missions to a dead man? There was just no way that a dead man could possibly do missions, even if that man was Sakumo Hatake, the White Fang of the Leaf Village! Never mind the fact that she did not, at any point, realize that the man had been dead for decades.

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "Get back to work, you idiots!" she shouted angrily, annoyed at her own faux pas.

"Well, Lady Tsunade? What should we do?" Shizune tentatively asked her irritable mentor once the assembled shinobi had dispersed.

"Get Team Guy and Team Kurenai in here," Tsunade paused in thought briefly, apparently debating something in her mind. "Team Asuma, too," she added finally, "I have mission for them."

Naruto Uzumaki leaped through the trees. He was making incredible progress in spite of the head wind – the fact that he did not have to slow down to match his pace with any teammates probably contributed to this, as well as the fact that in his anger he had reverted to that old habit of running on all fours. While it was not actually more efficient for him to travel like that, the Fox was nonetheless more willing to sync with Naruto when moving in such an bestial manner. This synchronization increased Naruto's strength to almost superhuman levels in proportion to the boy's muscle mass. And since Naruto was no longer the scrawny, malnourished child he had once been, his strength truly was ungodly.

Naruto stopped leaping briefly, tilting his head one way, then the other. Had he heard something…? Or was he mistaken? A slight whistling sound was his only answer. It was also his only warning. With reflexes born of harsh training, Naruto leaped from the branch just in time to avoid being decapitated by a windmill shuriken.

"Who's there?-!" Naruto demanded upon safely landing on a higher branch.

Instead of a reply, Naruto got a senbon barrage targeted at his vital regions. Again, Naruto leaped out the way, this time propelling himself to a tree several meters away.

Naruto was getting even more annoyed. It seemed like somebody was deliberately trying to piss him off; a time honored strategy among skilled ninja. 'Pfeh! If they think the Number One Knucklehead Ninja of the Leaf will fall prey to such an old trick, they've got another thing coming!' Forming an extremely familiar cross-shaped hand-seal, Naruto shouted: "Who the hell do you think you are, attacking the great and honorable me?-!"

Again, the only response was a volley of weapons – ordinary shuriken, this time. Naruto smirked and jumped head first into the barrage.

'Idiot,' thought the tall, busty, blue-haired Grass kunoichi as she watched Naruto get shredded to bits. '… Wait a minute…!' she realized, 'A human body should put up more resistance. It must have been–'

"Heh, Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu, Replacement, and Transparency technique: the perfect combination for pinpointing an assailant," Naruto proudly whispered in the girl's ear, "Now, miss… um…"

The kunoichi gulped. "Ha-Ha-Hayashimura," she stuttered. 'Ohgodohgod! I'm gonna die! He's gonna kill me, and if he's anything like my old teammates were…' "P-p-please, master, please b-be gentle," she whimpered.

"… Eh? Master? … Have we met before? Because I'm pretty sure I'd remember being called master." Though he was a skilled shinobi and cunning tactician, Naruto could still be astonishingly obtuse at times. "What's your name, anyways? And I mean what your friends call you."

"… they call me Oko…" the kunoichi muttered. She didn't know why she was revealing everything. It was as thought Naruto's voice compelled her. 'I feel like… What kind of person is he? I don't know. He could probably get anything he wanted, with this… this… power of his.'

"Oko Hayashimura, huh? That's an interesting name!" Naruto grinned. His anger had already subsided, to be replaced with his excitement at getting to make a new friend, even if that friend had been trying to kill him not even two minutes prior. "My name's Naruto Uzumaki!"

A melancholy smile crawled onto Oko's face. "I know. I was hired to assassinate you."

Naruto stared at Oko upon hearing this. Then he laughed.

Oko slowly inched away from Naruto, once more fearing for her life.

Three pairs of blue eyes watched Naruto and Oko from the shadows.

"Kaede Torikawa, Yoko Tanaka," whispered the middle figure, "You two will flank the target, and I'll go in for the killing blow."

"Okay, Senko," said Yoko.

"Will do, Captain Hayashimura," agreed Kaede.

Senko Hayashimura nodded. "Okay. Blue Team, in the name of Lord Susano'o, attack!"she whispered. The three prepared to pounce.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" inquired one of Naruto's shadow clones.

"Eeeek!" the flat-chested Kaede squealed, falling forward.

"Kaede, he can see your panties," Yoko informed her teammate.

Kaede blushed deep red. "Eep!"

Senko shook her head. "For the love of crap…" she sighed, "It wouldn't be such a problem if you two would wear something more practical than those miniskirts. Then you wouldn't need to worry about anyone seeing your panties."

Yoko yawned, "Oh, that? I don't need to worry about anyone seeing my panties."

Senko cocked her head. "How so?"

"I don't wear any."

"D-disgraceful!" Kaede squeaked in shock.

"For once I agree with that pervert Kaede!" said Senko.

Kaede frowned. "Hey! I'm not a pervert!"

Senko smirked. "Oh, really? Then you don't want that handsome, blond shinobi to ram his kunai into your bum?"

"… Okay, so maybe I am a bit of a pervert…"

"Then go, in the name of the hero Otenzo! Go and take it up your ass like a real kunoichi!" Senko declared as she shoved Kaede butt-first into the Naruto-clone's crotch. "Heh, nice job undressing them, Yoko. I didn't even see it!"

"Thanks," Yoko grinned as she reclined on the branch.

"And I see you managed to administer the aphrodisiacs. Orally, even. Impressive."

"Yup, the secret family recipe, too. They'll be humping like drunk rabbits in three… two… one!"

Right as Yoko predicted, Naruto-clone started thrusting and Kaede started moaning.

"Ooh," Naruto-clone groaned, "When I'm done with this one, you two are going to get it so bad!" he moaned angrily.

"Ah! Don't touch me there!" Kaede squealed.

Naruto-clone laughed. "That's such a girly reaction, that now I'll have to touch you there," he leered, moving Kaede's hands. "Don't worry, I'll try not to break your hymen, or whatever it is girls are so protective of."

Naruto-clone made to insert his fingers into Kaede, only to find that there was nothing to insert them into, but there was instead…

Naruto-clone blinked dumbly, squeezing what was in his hand, eliciting a lustful moan from Kaede. Naruto-clone blanched, and tried to pull out, only to entangle his and Kaede's legs. In the end, the movement and the excitement were too much for Naruto-clone, causing him to ejaculate while still inside Kaede's posterior. Spent, the shadow clone burst into smoke.

A few seconds later, Naruto's horrified scream pierced the air. It could even be heard back in Konoha, where the Naruto Retrieval team was preparing to head out.

A/N: By the way, if you were confused by my talk of Naruto's "super strength", just look back to the Chūnin Exams during the forest of death, where Naruto manages to stop one of Orochimaru's gigantic summoned snakes from striking Sasuke. Note that Naruto pretty much stops that snake -which had eyes the size of his head, by the way- dead in its tracks. Also note that this is one of the only times Naruto displays such disproportionate physical strength. Was it a side-effect of the Fox's chakra, a Chekhov's Gun, or a mere artistic liberty taken with physics for the sake of dramatic effect? It is a mystery.