Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Icha Icha Naruto

This is a tale that began years ago, actually, it was twelve years, five months and two weeks and three days ago. The moon was full, and the night sky reigned over the land, encompassing it with darkness. In the midst of this land, was a village of ninjas known as Konohagakure no Sato, enforcing a league of warriors that were told in the tales of young children and people of Fire Country. But tonight, there will be a test; a test of will, and the strength of human fire

For the Kyuubi no Kitsune had invaded the land.

"Hold it at the line!" one man shouted, his arm nothing but a useless and bloody limb, as he looked upwards, as a volley of metal projectiles; kunai and shuriken, came flying past him.

The eyes of a creature, a fox, scanned the land. It was titanic, as tall as some of the mountains that surrounded the village, it easily measured more than a kilometer in length. Its tails were another story, each and every one of them more than twice the length of the body of the fox. It had ears, pointed ears, and teeth large and huge. But the most prominent feature was its fur, which scorched the land and caused flames to the forest that it hovered upon. It's red eyes scanned the battlefield, looking for an opponent to match its skill.

But it found none.

The Kyuubi looked down, as a tiny speck of a creature cam charging at it, forming hand actions, seals, at a pace rapid pace. It breathed out fire, hitting the fox squarely on the left side of it's face.

Foolish human. It thrived in the flames.

It made sure the last thing it saw were its eyes; the eyes of red bloodlust, and nothing more.

And that was precisely what it saw.

For the Kyuubi was fire incarnate. Born of the embers and living in an eternity of flames.

It's ears, majestic and strong, then heard the sound… he sound of a toad. It's eyes traced and saw a toad; a toad it was. Smaller in mass then it, clad in a cloak, and a pipe in its mouth, a blade of considerable size ready to strike. An opponent; a worthy opponent to the fox. A creature of strength and power; a creature of wisdom.

Not as worthy as the Yamata no Orochi, but a fox has to have someone else, right?

And one of its heads was still lying in that pit, no thanks to this gigantic fox.

It was so focused on the fox that it didn't notice the little blonde thing that stood on top of it, clad in a white cloak and regular ninja wear, as well as the headband of the ninja of the Konoha Village.

All it saw next was a great flash of light, which enveloped the whole land, spreading out for miles and miles.

And the distinct sound of a human voice saying…

'Owned, bitch.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

The boy's name was Uzumaki Naruto. He was blonde, stood four feet and ten inches tall, had sky blue eyes and tanned skin. But the most distinct feature of his face was that he had was the whisker marks, on either side of his face. He was rather scrawny in build, average in size, but below average in height, in comparison to the other males in the Konoha Ninja Academy.

All in all, it does not, in the slightest way, explain why there were a flock of females in their early twenties chasing after him with stars in their eyes.

'HELP ME!' the blonde shouted, running down the street at top speed, as a dust cloud of female admirers followed relentlessly.

'Kawaii-chan, come back!' one blonde female shouted, a set of schoolboy uniform clothes in her hands.

'We just want to play dress up!' Another woman called, this time, a Dragon Ball Z costume, of Son Goku in her hands.

'STAY AWAY FROM ME!' the blonde shouted back, and jumped upwards, onto the roofs of the shops of some of the more friendly storekeepers around town.

He passed the owner, who was on the roof adjusting his television antennae.

'Still chasing after you, eh, Naruto?' the owner mused, laughing as the blonde thunderbolt ran past him, and leapt onto another building.

'I'LL SEE YOU LATER, TEZUKA-SAN!' Naruto called out, his back towards the merchant, as Tezuka gave a wave in return to the energetic young man.

'My, my, the youth these days, so energetic and full.' Mr Tezuka said, resuming with fixing up his television antennae.

Naruto went at top speed towards the Ninja Academy, his orange and black ensemble neatly in place and his backpack securely tightened around his back. He looked at the watch on one of the buildings on his right, seeing that he had a good fifteen minutes until the bell finally rang, and he was late. Naruto was in no rush, but he did not bother to slow down his speed.

After all, who knew when those women were going to play dress up with him?

'Che, thinking about already gives me goosbumps.' Naruto said to himself, his eyes closed into a squint of disgust and fear. Man, did those women ever give up? He may never know.

But he hoped they did; or he'd be screwed twice over.

Literally.

And then, he looked forwards; there it was; the Konoha no Sato Ninja Academy. The nurturing grounds of the ninjas of Konoha; the place where young men and women strived to turn into warriors of the highest caliber to protect, to serve and to gain fame. But not many ninjas gained fame, or opted to gain fame; because knowledge kills.

Most of them wanted to keep a low profile, so that they could at least live through the job.

Naruto? Well, he was just in it for the money.

Because S-ranked ninjas turn into millionaired more often then not. Just look at Jiraiya.

Heh, according to my ingenious calculations, and my daily planning sheet for the next ten years, I'll be rolling in yen by the time I'm nineteen; boy, accounting class rules! The blonde dynamite thought cheerfully.

And one day, he was going to create his own line of ninja clothing.

And sell it for loads of cash. Boy, he was evil.

And there and then, he was attacked by a shiver down his spine.

'Hello there, Naruto-chan…' a sultry voice rang in his ear; enticing, seductive, and downright dirty.

Oh no…

Naruto looked to his right, and paled. Visibly. A lot.

It was a woman.

She was rather pale and had silver hair, cascading down her back, shining like the moon in the middle of the day. Her face was covered in a navy blue facemask, covering up to the middle of her nose, and her left eye was covered by the Konoha forehead protector. By the state of her dress, everyone around the village would be able to know that the lady was a Jounin. The female was quite tall, just over a foot taller than Naruto. However, the Jounin vest, as thick as it was, was not able to cover her… assets.

God must hate me…

'Hello, Kikaki-neesan…'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Umino Iruka was a twenty-four year-old Chuunin ninja. He had rather dark eyes, tanned skin, a hair tied up in a high ponytail, and a scar running across his nose. He had a rather round nose, and his eyes were slightly more further apart than normal people, and his eyebrows, were much higher. Iruka wouldn't call himself athletic, when in comparison to other ninjas, but his build was actually rather… slender.

He'd been called feminine more than once.

And hated it. A lot.

His forehead protector was fastened around his head, and his trusty clipboard and pen were in his hands, as he began to take the roll. He was the average ninja, striving for this and for that, but was quite content with what he currently had. There was no way that he would trade in his life for anything other than the life of a ninja.

Except for that chocolate factory.

The Chuunin sighed as he looked at the students and began to tick off names. He scanned the room, and sighed as his eyes came to a seat that stood empty and untouched by any hands in the morning.

Uzumaki Naruto's seat. Looks like the boy was going to be late once more.

'Does anybody know where Naruto is?' Iruka asked the class, or namely, some of Naruto's friends.

A girl with bubblegum long pink hair and green eyes raised her hand, before Iruka acknowledged her.

'I think that his fangirls are chasing after him.' The girl adopted a thinking pose, 'Again.'

The females giggled and the males gave a light laugh at the words the girl said, and Iruka could not help bt shake his head in disapproval. He was about to mark Naruto as an absentee…

When the weather suddenly changed into a storm of sorts, outside, and the door to the classroom slammed open, and a gust of strong winds blew, and revealed a soaking wet, angry-looking and vine-tangled young blonde. Iruka visibly gulped; this sight of Naruto was simply frightening. He actually looked like he was kicking ass and taking names.

'Good morning.'

And he took his seat, setting down his bag, and pulling out a pen and a notebook.

Naruto was going to be the death of him.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Naruto listened intently to Umino Iruka as the young Chuunin gave a verbal talk on the Genin Exams that were to be held in the afternoon. This was going to be their last moment of revision and practice before the Chuunin was going to hand them over to the ruthless examiner; Mizuki. He was always a bad-tempered fellow, that Mizuki. Always grumpy, always sour and, more often than not, lecherous.

More Konoha women have broken his bones than any other thing.

Although, there was that one time he tried to fraternize with the enemy.

Too bad it was a man.

Iruka never got over that, and Mizuki? Well, he's scarred for life. And three pieces of identification are required when hitting on an enemy ninja.

The chest wasn't going to convince him anymore, no sir-ree.

'Alright, remember, for this test you must have to be able to use at least two Ninjutsu or Genjutsu, or demonstrate a Taijutsu stance sequence that is Advanced Genin-level. Any questions?'

A young blonde girl with a ponytail raised her hand, and Iruka nodded towards her.

'Yes, Ino?'

'Are we allowed to use our family's Jutsus instead of Bunshin, Henge or Kawarimi?' the girl asked.

'Well, yes. But if any of you actually do that, you must have the other Ninjutsu be a Ninja Academy Jutsu.'

Another young lady raised her hand, sitting in the back row. Iruka motioned for her to proceed.

'Who got the highest marks in the written tests?' she asked; Iruka could not help but give an enigmatic grin.

'Ah, well; you'll have to find that out for yourselves after you've taken the practical exams.'

There were sighs and groans all around, before the scarred Chuunin got up, and put his hands on his sides.

'Alright then, let's get this show on the road, shall we?' Iruka gave a grin, and the students all gave a cheer, as they were filed out in alphabetical order.

Naruto looked at all the hopefuls, and barely suppressed a grin of his own. He knew that this was all just a front. That this was all just going to be another test of potential, rather than the true examination. There was no way that Genin just had to be able to perform two Jutsu or Genin-level Taijutsu sequences just to pass.

It was just way too easy.

By the Ninja Academy standards, they were actually quite high, but Naruto had done some research, and the fact remained that Genins got killed if they were weak. Especially when there were only two Ninjutsu in their repertoire.

That's why he was prepared; for their real examiners test. Their soon-to-be Captain would decide whether or not he or she would let them be ninjas and go on under their tutelage, learning from the best.

Or, she could just be an idiot and be too lazy to test them properly and let them pass anyways.

Oh yeah, right, like that was going to ever happen.

Maybe.

Naruto followed his fellow students outside the door, where a white-haired man was waiting, clad in Chuunin uniform and looking menacing, like a very grumpy pug. He was tall, and rather muscular in build, with a large shuriken strapped to his back, and a bandana covering his scalp. He looked to the students with a murderous glance of dark brown.

'Follow me.'

Naruto resisted the urge to add 'to Hell.'

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Once again, Naruto had the idea that God did hate him quite a lot. Actually, he had the idea that God hated him so much that even Hell was not a good enough place to put him. So he saddled him with Konoha and gave him some fangirls.

Well, actually, fan-women, but who's actually taking notice?

And he has that idea that God hate him again at the very moment, as the one person he'd rather not sit next to is sitting right next to him.

Uchiha Satsuki.

His former best friend (And would actually still qualify for the title, as Naruto still considered the female his best friend) turned number one admirer.

Uchiha Satsuki, however, was by no means a girl one would call just pretty or even cute. No, Uchiha Satsuki was, by all means, a Goddess-to-be. At the age of twelve, and hitting puberty very soon, the young girl had the curves that were going to show in all the right places, and her chest, while Naruto had no interest whatsoever to look, was showing signs of being a sight for sore eyes. She was two and a half inches taller than Naruto, making her five feet at the very least, and had a very, very slender build.

She had raven-black hair, going past her waist, and several locks of hair covering some of her left eye (Actually, it was so Naruto could notice her, but he doesn't need to know that). Her face was rather pale, and her eyes were dark, and her face was nothing short of beautiful.

Too bad Naruto was ignoring her.

The blonde was looking at Satsuki's left hand, just so that it did not sneak onto his lap.

Like last time.

That was when he had Iruka make him seat next to another classmate instead of Satsuki.

'Like what you see, dobe?' she said in a low voice, husky and enticing.

Thou shalt not be tempted.

'No.' Adamant and stiff; that was his reply. Naruto looked away from the pretty girl, and spied the faces of some famous ninjas on the wall opposite their seat.

Ignore her, ignore her, she's just trying to kiss you, and I'll be damned if that happens!

Satsuki had a small smile on her face, spying the blonde, who now had his arms crossed.

My, my ,my, doesn't Naruto look positively edible today?

'You know, Naruto, I was wondering that, after school, we could go to Ichiraku's…'

Naruto felt a tingle down his spine. Satsuki had been very close to his ear when she said that, and the thought of Ichiraku's was almost going to make him lose control over himself. But Naruto stood silent, ignoring the female's words.

And the words of the ramen, calling him… tempting him…

FOCUS! YOU GOT A TEST! BE A NINJA, GET THE MONEY, AND THEN MAKE MORE MONEY!

'…Maybe I can get that Banzai Bowl… or two.'

He stiffened. Was it just him or was his black and orange ensemble actually getting smaller?

Naruto visibly tensed.

'And maybe after that… I'll treat you to some… special flavoured ramen…'

'Uchiha Satsuki?'

Saved by the examiner. Joy.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Naruto passed the test; barely. Satsuki's words screwed up his concentration so baly he thought that when he did the Bunshin no Jutsu he would actually not be able to hold it up for more than a second. Well, he did, but just barely; he got the forehead protector of Konoha, but it came with the price that he probably finished dead-last.

Dobe.

Satsuki's nickname for him; when he finished just under her in marks a couple of years ago. He tried to get her name for him out of his system, but found out that it had stuck, so why fight it?

And now, she was using it as a psychological weapon against him.

And it was working, damn her.

The night sky was prominent in Konoha right now, and most of the people were either out partying, or form some of the patrols, were doing their rounds around the village.

And he hoped to God that-

'Good evening, Naruto-kun.' An embrace from behind. And the feeling of two rather… nice mounds pressing onto him from behind.

It was an ANBU, a ninja of the absolute highest level. Cold and efficient, these ninjas were the perfect living weapons of the village of Konoha, scratch the fact that most of them were probably idiots with no life, but hey, who's complaining when there's a big paycheck waiting at the end of the day?

Especially when the Daimyou requested you for a mission.

Naruto looked up to the ANBU, with their skills and their ilence, and their absolute coolness.

But he absolutely did not want to meet this one.

'Hello, Meitachi-san.' He put on a grin, and looked like he was halfway from tears falling out of his baby blue eyes. Screw the rule of male dignity.

This was Uchiha Meitachi; older sister and all-round most wanted female in the whole village of Konoha, thumbs down. She stood five feet and seven inches in height, and had her raven black hair loose, all the way down to the small of her back. Her facial features, at the moment, were obscured by the mask of a weasel, and she was dressed (in Naruto's opinion, for he could tell with his close up view), the most provocative of ANBU uniform.

It fit her curves perfectly, and made her all thre more enticing in the eyes of any single passer by.

Too bad Naruto wasn't one of them.

'Let go of me.'

'Aw, is the blonde hottie getting all shy on me?' the raven-haired female teased, rubbing the cheek of her ANBU mask against his cheek.

'Let go of me.' He repeated, with miraculous self control.

'I missed you so much.' She went on, ignoring his words, and tightened her embrace.

Yup, those two things were real alright.

Too bad he wasn't interested.

'Let go of me.' He repeated.

'You didn't miss me?' Naruto could just hear the pout. And too bad for him…

He hated to see a woman cry.

'Yes I did.'

Famous last words.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

He was grumbling, pissed, annoyed, and half-asleep; that was how bad the day was.

And it wasn't even ten o'clock yet. Here he was, grumbling, pissed, annoyed, and half-asleep, sitting in the front row, to get as far away from the 'Witch Formerly Known as Satsuki', and her evil clutches.

Then again…

NO!

Naruto gave Satsuki a glare, which she returned with a smirk.

And she was licking her lips.

Naruto reddened. The rest of the guys? Well, they gave him glares cold enough to cause the next Ice Age.

'Alright, class, settle down;' and they did, except for some random kid who jumped out of his seat and shouted "Freedom!" and leapt through the window. When it was closed. Iruka blinked.

'Go on, Sensei, he always does that on Thursdays.' The bubblegum pink-haired girl said, in which Iruka raised an eyebrow.

Was the world even sane?

'Alright, as I was about to go on,' Iruka coughed into his closed fist, taking out a clipboard out of nowhere. 'Congratulations on every single one of you for passing, and I hope that-'

'BOO!' some random kid shouted in the back row, 'I paid three hundred yen for this?'

'What the Hell are you talking about?' Iruka adopted a look of pure puzzlement.

'Isn't this Daigo's Comedy Stand?' the kid asked.

'No.'

'Oh, sorry, then.'

And he leapt out the window like nothing happened.

Iruka blinked once, and then twice, and then three times, and looked around just to check if there were anymore weird occurrences going on before he read out what was on his clipboard.

Okay, the coast was clear.

'SPIRITS… ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU!'

'KIBA, SIT DOWN!'

Logic just flew out the window.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Iruka, having gained his calm attitude, serenity and sanity, was finally reading the piece of paper that contained the Team list for the Genins. They were listed by order of effectiveness working together, teamwork, relationships and of course, not forgetting, their overall skill, although the last point was irrelevant.

Teamwork was they key.

Which was why Iruka chose to say what he said next.

'Team Seven; Uchiha Satsuki, Haruno Sakura…' Naruto crossed his fingers… 'and Uzumaki Naruto.'

Naruto slammed his head on the table.

And cursed the deities above once more.

'Your sensei shall be-'

Naruto's eyes snapped open, and looked towards the door, where his stalker, the silver-haired Goddess that she was, stood, clad in her Jounin uniform and all.

And he swore she was licking her lips.

He went pale.

'Ah, so you're already here, Kikaki-san, so then…'

Oh please, no…

'Team Seven…'

Oh Gods please…

'This is your sensei, Hatake Kikaki.'

Naruto slammed his head upon the table again.

Hard.