Never. Ever. Give Logan M'n'Ms.

Another fic that can only be summarised with the words 'Oh. Dear.' Yet another challenge from the same friend that gave me the (somewhat literal) plot bunny for 'The Infestation', which is lurking around here somewhere. It amused me far too much not to be written up and uploaded, so here we are now.

Enjoy: and do tell me if you like it. It seems to have a good effect on people from those I've tested so far.

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Professor,

Sorry to bother you and everything (I'm sure you have much more important things to do,) but this is somewhat urgent. It concerns Logan, but has nothing to do with my motorcycle, I assure you. She's been securely chained to the garage wall- well, for the moment, anyway.

As you may or may not know, the Wookie (for want of a better term) came back yesterday, just after you'd left. As well as his usual 'flirt with Jean just to annoy Summers' routine, he somehow managed to have most of the student population (that is, the female side) at his feet, and they dragged him off into the Rec Room to do something or other (which I ignored completely, so I don't know what; I was more concerned with providing my Harley with adequate protection.)

Two hours later, with help from peanut M'n'Ms and soda, he's running around the mansion completely in the land of the fairies.

It was funny, until he tried to kiss me.

You try being chased around the mansion by a furball who's telling you how much he loves you in front of your fiancée and the rest of the students (all of which apparently have bets going on whether he'll catch me or not.) I'm not a homophobe or anything, but this is highly disconcerting, sir. Quite frankly, I have no idea what to do.

Which leads me smartly on to my current situation. After he tried to forcibly drag me into his bedroom by the waist, I thereabout managed to escape, grab my laptop and a torch, and as I type this I'm lying inside one of the air vents.

Since I won't be going anywhere for seemingly quite some time, please E-Mail back quickly (I don't know how long it'll take for either the sugar's affects to wear off or him to realise I'm here…)

Yours,

SS

Sent Sat 13th November XXXX: 19:31

Scott,

Interesting indeed. My apologies for the late reply: I didn't have the time to check my inbox.

I do hope you're alright, and I shall endeavour to get home as soon as I can. Meanwhile, wait until the sugar has worn off (depending on the concentration, it could take some time) before you even consider coming out.

If he has found you, I can only wish you the best of luck, and hope you can still crawl as fast as I remember you were able to as a teenager.

Good Luck,

Professor X

Sent Tues 16th Nov XXXX: 10:02

Sir,

The reassurance came a bit late. Logan found me eight hours before I received your E-Mail; but better late than never, I suppose.

He gave me a six hour army crawl chase around the ventilation system before we got to the uphill bit before the kitchen, and since I have height advantage (that the lord), I managed to get a head start, got out of the tunnels and ran for my life.

I have no clue what to do, so am currently hiding in a broom cupboard. Whenever I find out who gave him the sugar boost, they will dying a painful death in the Danger Room.

Wait, what's that outside? Cornered. Great.

Please come home!

SS

Sent Wed 17th Nov XXXX: 07:58

Cyclops,

I'm afraid that I'm going to be away for longer than I expected. Have fun!

Professor X

Sent Wed 17th Nov XXXX: 18:24

Professor X,

You must be joking. I've been emotionally scarred here, and if Jubilee gives him any more glucose I may have to throw myself into the lake.

He pinned me to the wall. I will never get my reputation back, ever. Logan is heavy, and I couldn't weasel out of it… Stupid adamantium… That was the worst experience of my life- being kissed by a guy (with stubble, I might add) was not my idea of an afternoon, plus Bobby and John getting photos and video footage of me struggling to get out of his grip yet failing miserably will probably end up as the bane of my life once they've circulated around the general school population.

Lordy me. Hiding in the woods in the pouring rain, hoping that the downpour will kill my scent. Either get home as soon as you can, or I may be forced to do something I'll regret.

Soggily yours,

SS

Sent Fri 19th Nov XXXX: 23:59

Scott,

Don't worry; I should be coming back to the mansion in a couple of days. Our colleague, who was holding the seminar, began to quite suddenly hear voices in his head, so he's being investigated for schizophrenia, sadly. My thoughts are with you: I shall sort out the problem as soon as I return.

Have hope,

Professor X

Sent Sat 20th November XXXX 10:52

Professor,

Please, for crying out loud, get on the next plane home. Everything's taken a turn for the worse.

The kids took Logan off the sugar. Thank God for that. However, they then proceeded to make sure he was in an extremely bad mood and then showed him the footage that they shot of him… well, you know what happened… me getting myself cornered in a closet, etc etc. Incidentally, said video footage is now on the internet for everyone to see- it's had 10000 hits so far.

Not good. Really not good.

Logan is now pissed at me for not stopping him- although he should be able to see that I did try, but failed spectacularly. Hence, he spent two hours running around after me in full 'I'm going to kill you' mode, and then another crawling in the ducts again.

Jean and Ororo have conveniently decided to go out, so it's me and him in the place, and I'm not coming out of the air ventilation system until you get back and take out either your '6 year old girl' threat, or that one you threatened me with – how long ago?—you know, the Chihuahua thing?

Anything, please: I'd rather take on the full Brotherhood on; plus Magneto, on my own, than face him in this mood.

Pleadingly yours,

SS

Sent Mon 22nd Nov XXXX 12:34

Scott,

Can I not leave you alone for a week without you getting into trouble?

Exasperatedly,

Professor X.

Sent Tues 23rd Nov XXXX 09:01