The Weakest Link: Nintendo Edition
By: Wordsworth 13
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby, Star Fox, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Game-and-Watch, Golden Sun, Kid Icarus or The Weakest Link.
Ni-Ban!
Donkey hung his head in shame at losing the teams chain, leaving them with no Nintendo Stock. He looked pleadingly at Mr. Game-and-Watch, hoping the stick figure could regain some of the precious shares. "Mr. Game-and-Watch, it's time for your question." Mr. Game-and-Watch beeped. The thwomp nodded and read the question card "In modern foreign languages where does the word 'sayonara' come from?"
The two-dimensional figure of Mr. Game-and-Watch stood tapping his foot for a few frames, then snapped his fingers, which made a simple digital tone, and scribbled down the answer on his voting board. He showed the word 'JAPAN' to the cameras and the thwomp announced "Correct! Next, Felix-"
"Bank!" Felix interrupted
"Very well," the thwomp murmured "Felix in graphic design, what 'V' is the point where any perpetual line on a graphic ends?" Felix looked nervous, but managed to stammer out: "Umm, uh, vuh- vinality point." The thwomp glared at him.
"No, vinality isn't even a word." Felix sighed, and the thwomp rotated ten degrees clockwise, facing Pit.
"Okay, Pit, time for your question." The fallen angel whimpered "In medieval fashions, what's that stupid thing Link's wearing called?"
Pit paused for a moment and, judging using his own experience he guessed that these questions were really, really stupid and the writer was already getting desperate. This lead him to decide that said creator of near unanswerable questions was either a blind, a mentally diseased chimp or a bored fourteen-year-old anime and role-playing game nerd with nothing better to do that create humourless cross-over fics.
"A tunic." He said, sounding bored, this was going to be an… experience, indeed.
"Correct," the thwomp chimed in a manner that sounded almost pre-recorded, following it up by turning a full ninety degrees back to Mario. "Mario, your question, in current affairs is, who is King Bowser Koopa currently holding at his evil floating castle with large dangly spike balls hanging off it for whatever reason he kidnaps people?" Mario opened his mouth to answer but was cut short by the sound of shattering glass and a sudden pain on the back of his head.
The famously red Italian-American hero of rather dull back story turned and looked down to see a round, brown paper parcel surrounded by glinting shards of what was once a particularly expensive studio seven window, with a note on flowery stationary. He picked it up in his gloved hands and read the note slowly. Upon it in the chicken scratch of someone who probably had scaly, fat, clawed hands, was written 'Dear Mario, I have kidnapped Princess Peach for whatever reason it is I kidnap people. If you wish to save her come to my castle with large dangly spike balls hanging off it which is full of item boxes containing things that will help you, and thus probably should have been removed in the 80's when we realised it was a problem, and defeat me. Yours evillicious-tasticly, Bowser Koopa. P.S. Sorry about the stationary, I had to borrow it from the princess.'
"Excuse-a me one moment." Mario said, holding up one of his hands draped over by his staple magician's glove. He jumped through the portrait of blue sky (surprising since the Weakest Link studio is probably somewhere in London), framed with yet to be falling, ice like shards of single glazed, low quality glass. There was some clattering from the store room but otherwise silence as the other eight contestants stared up at Mario's makeshift egress, "Uh, is, uh, is he coming back?" The stone host asked nervously, only to receive a set of shrugs. The camera was turned off, and the crew thanked Thor and Procne that this wasn't live.
Two minutes later there was the sound of more inexpensive single glazed glass breaking into approximately 3,925 pieces caused everyone to look up from their poker game, and Studio-Maintenance-Worker-Ron to curse under his breath. He'd just fixed that bloody window. The super plumber had in one arm, a blonde young lady in a pink dress "It's-a Princess Peach!" The moustachioed man finally answered. He placed the princess down, was thanked, kissed on the cheek, spun around yelled "HERE-WE-GO!" obnoxiously loudly and then, for no reason, there was cake. It was shared half and half: one half for Kirby and one half for everyone else. He was cute so they let him get away with it.
The thwomp merely stared "Ooookaaay… Correct, Mario! Link! Your question!" It was obvious he wished to move on, so the elfin boy nodded. "In construction-" the thwomp paused and decided the writer had gone past the point of non sanity after the question about red quasars so this chose to think nothing of the odd category. "In construction, what shape is the strongest to support a structure?"
Link gulped, he was through the looking glass here. He knew nothing of building things, but he did know something of strength; it was the only shape he associated with it. "The triangle." He said, trying to sound certain.
"That is correct." The Thwomp confirmed. Link breathed out and an expression of victorious pride spread across his young features. "Kirby your-"
"Bank!" Kirby shouted
"Okay. Kirby your question is; in history, in what year was the Battle of Hastings."
Kirby clearly didn't know this. He scratched his head, and his chin, insofar as he had one. He 'ummed', he 'aahed' and eventually, reluctantly guessed "1995."
The thwomp stared at him for a bit "Wrong." He said quietly "Fox!"
The anthropomorphic canine looked up at him. "Fox, in English Language, what type of word is 'in'?"
"'In'? What do you mean what type of word? There are types of words now?"
"I'm afraid I can't give you any clues."
"Okay, it's a… describing word, right?"
"The word you're looking for is 'adjective', and no, it's a preposition."
"Prepo-wha?"
"Next question! Samus. In art, what is the technique of using dots of colour to make a picture called?"
Now Samus was no artist, but she was reasonably intelligent, and she'd seen a lot of things in her time. This, however, was one of those facts that put itself at the back of her mind, and didn't like the idea of coming out any time soon. Her face took on the strained expression of one trying to remember where they'd placed their keys. "Doitalisme" She said, sounding unsure.
"Ooh, so close, well not really, but still; wrong." The thwomp said, almost pityingly, but then returned to lightning-fast game show host mode. "D.K. your question is, in film, what is the name of the song sung by King Louis in The Jungle Book?"
Now, before Donkey answers, it is with great regret that I must inform you Disney's evil and maniacal empire has cast its dark shadow over the entire globe even Donkey Kong Island, however, on a related note, Studio Ghibli is fighting its commercialised ruination of children's stories with carefully crafted, original movies. You can help in the fight against homogenised cinematographic love by buying Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away on DVD. Thank you, we shall now return to our originally scheduled fanfic.
"King of Swingers! King of Swingers!" Donkey bellowed, beating his broad chest
"Correct!" The thwomp chimed "Now, Mr. Game-and-Watch. For you; in music, what is the name of the band responsible for the songs in the animated musical Interstella 5555?"
The silhouette man went about his usual two-frame thinking rituals until he scrawled something across his voting card. He held up the blue oval, printed on it 'DAFT PUNK'.
"Correct, and even I didn't know that one." The stone host confirmed. "Next: Felix. Felix in English literature, the one of the novels by Mark Twain was entitled The Adventures of Tom who?"
"Was it?" Felix asked in slight confusion
"No, no, I'm asking you what Tom Sawyer's last name was."
"Uh… was it Sawyer?"
"Yes… oh, bugger!" The thwomp cursed.
"Cut! Cut! Cut!" the director yelled "Okay, we're gonna keep that in, except the swear there."
"What!? Why!?" the blue quiz-master protested
"Because that was too rich for a blooper reel, okay folks, roll film and continue the show."
Rather flustered, the thwomp began to stutter his lines, announcing Pit as the next to answer. "In aviation, what is the term for spinning 360 degrees in the air whilst maintaining direction and velocity?"
Pit, being an angel of sorts, knew enough about flyboy stuff to answer this competently. "A barrel roll." He said with complete certainty.
"Yes, that's the right answer." The thwomp said, nodding, as much as a cube can nod, anyway.
"I could've answered that." Fox whispered bitterly under his breath.
"Mario, your question is, in religion: what is the greatest class of angel?"
Mario's adventures so far have yet even to mention religion, so he is not exactly well versed in the subject. Want to hear whatever stupid thing he says? Then read the next chapter.
Hi folks, sorry for the wait, how was it? Still funny? If so send me a cookie with the word YES spelled out on it in chocolate, if no do the same, but write NO on the cookie. And keep voting for who you want to join the show in round three: Zelda, Luigi or MetaKnight. Review or die, scum!