And Then The Tears Fell.
Ok, sorry I haven't updated sooner people, I am a very very busy girl:-)
Finally watched Hannibal Rising, I thought it was very good, and the guy that plays young Hannibal is fantastic and a little bit good looking!!! Just reading the book, so gonna see how it compares!!
Enjoy!!!
Chapter 2
The hours just seemed to melt into one long expanse of time for Clarice. She would barely notice the light turning into dark, the moonlight touching the walls of her empty kitchen replacing the warming rays of the sun. She would sit with her knees tucked to her chest as she balanced her now small frame on the table chair of her kitchen, her thin fingers wrapped around the diminishing warmth of her mug of tea. Every now and again she would take a sip, even the taste of the milk in her tea was starting to repulse her. It had been 4 days since she arrived home and she had not left the house at all. The amount of food in her house had stayed the same, save the last few slices of brown bread that Clarice had found a few days earlier. She hadn't eaten for days.
Often she would sit in front of the mirror in her bedroom or stand in the hall, looking at her hollow self. Her mind was so full of thoughts that she couldn't concentrate on one, just a swirl of emotions floating in her head. She would look at the empty shell of her body and feel nothing. No self pity, no self worth. After days of not eating she had lost a considerable amount of weight from her already athletic body, at least another 4 pounds. Her wrists were small and looked snap able, her neck was stringy and her face was beginning to look gaunt. If she were to have the inclination or the energy to touch her stomach she would feel the beginnings of ribs poking through the now almost fatless stomach. Her hip bones were also beginning to protrude, her jeans slipping down now that they were too big for her.
She could see that she looked terrible. She didn't care though. There was no-one to see her anyway. No-one wanted to see her.
Every now and again she would catch herself looking over her small frame and almost feeling proud. She didn't get hungry anymore. She didn't need food.
"This is not you Clarice. You are not like this. You are strong, and brilliant, and you are…"
"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?" She would ask herself as the voice that had begun to speak to her faded away slowly. She didn't have the energy for a conversation. Besides there was no-one to have a conversation with, only herself. And she had to admit; even the voice that every now and again would try to lull her into normality was getting annoying. The voice faded and once again there was nothing in her mind but the whirlwind of thoughts that she couldn't control or calm enough to seriously look at. So there was silence. There was nothing. No self worth, no pride…..
Everything about her was slowly vanishing.
Maybe she was vanishing.
No-one had called on her since she had got back. No-one had tried to see if she was ok, she was suppose to go back to the hospital for a check-up and to have stitches out but she hadn't gone, yet no-one had tried to contact her. The phone had rang twice and she hadn't answered it either times. They probably thought that she was dead.
As thoughts floated in her mind she would get so tired of trying to pick just one to focus on that she would float away into nothingness too, her mind still and silent in a way that she only got when she was resting. And a sudden noise or a bang or clatter would snap her back and her eyes would fly open as her mind settled again on trying to focus on just one thing. She didn't really sleep anymore, these times were her sleeping, her times for rest. She would lie on her bed, but she wouldn't sleep. Well she didn't feel like she had ever slept.
On the morning of her fourth day of not leaving the house and having no contact with anyone, she was awoken from her resting by the telephone ringing, the shrill sound cutting through the air. She ignored it and rolled over, feeling her hip bone on the mattress below her. She glanced at the clock on the wall…
09:15.
She would just have two more minutes…. Then she would get up and make herself a drink….. But she would just have… two… more…. Minutes…..
The rapid rapping of a knuckle on her front door forced her eyes to fly open, the daylight shining through the blinds on her window confirming that those maroon eyes were not there in front of her, staring into her….
The sound of the knock bounced through the room, it seemed too loud. She didn't want to get up; she didn't want to see who it was. She didn't have the energy to be scared in case it was Him…. She'd rather not know….
Two minutes later the phone rang again, and knuckles rapped the door.
Someone really wanted to see her.
Clarice swung her legs out of her bed, her bare feet slapping the floor as she got up and walked away leaving the bed without making it. She glanced up at the clock on her pale wall.
11:25.
Her feet slapped the whole way down the floorboards right up until she got to the point where she could see the door. She stopped just as the phone stopped ringing. She glanced at the phone accusingly and jumped back as the door sounded again…. Attentively she put her left foot in front of the right; it was only a few more steps towards the door….. She could see the silhouette of someone stood on the other side of the door…. It looked like a man…..
Clarice dipped her hand into the draw on her dresser, her fingers grasping the handle of a small knife, her trembling fingers flicking the key around in the key hole, hearing the lock click she took a firmish grip of the door handle….. pulling it down she opened the door towards her….
"Starling! Where the hell have you been, I've been trying to ring you for the past two hours, why haven't you answered you're goddamn phone? I've had to leave the office to come and check you're ok like some kind of baby sitter…." Jack Crawford stopped his torrent of words as he saw Clarice's face peek out from behind the half open door, her eyes squinting in the mid morning sun. Her hair was lank and greasy and stuck to her head, dark circles had formed around her eyes and she had lost a hell of a lot of weight. "Starling…?"
Clarice just looked around the street, searching for nothing. "Can I come in?" Crawford asked, realising that something was very, very wrong. Clarice didn't say anything, she just opened the door and let him through, placing the knife back down on the dresser as she turned and walked into the kitchen.
Crawford closed the door behind her, noticing the knife on the side that Clarice had just put down. His eyes gazed around the house, it had a funny stale smell to it, not in a dirty way, but as if there was no fresh air. She followed her friend into the kitchen to see Clarice stood in front of the kettle.
"Do you want a drink Jack?" Clarice asked. Her voice sounded hoarse from lack of use.
"Starling, what the hell's happened here?"
"Nothing's happened here." Crawford looked around her again. The kitchen was empty. There was no food, no mess, no anything! His eyes trailed over to the woman stood before him and he was shocked at what he saw. The powerful, fiery woman whom he had once known was now stood before him at least 7lbs lighter, making her look far too thin for her already slim figure, her skin was pale and sallow, her eyes dull, hair lank…. This was not the woman he knew….
"Clarice…." He didn't know what to say. Clarice just looked at her former boss. There was nothing. Nothing in those eyes of hers. She really was losing it.
"So, how've you been?" She just looked back at him. He took a deep breath. "How's your shoulder?" His eyes flickered to her shoulder where the wound would be.
'Oh, it's healing.' She said, as if she hadn't noticed his eyes looking at her shoulder.
'It'll leave a scar?' Crawford already knew the answer.
'Probably.'
'Physically or mentally?' Clarice didn't answer. There was an uneasy silence. "Perhaps it already has…"
"Excuse me?" Crawford just looked away and started to pace the room slowly. He opened on of the cupboards to find it empty, then looked around the bare room, then back at her. "Why are you here Jack?"
"Clarice, we're worried about you."
"Who's 'we'?"
"The department. And me. We haven't heard from you since all this, hell you look like death….. And I read the hospital reports. And the prisons."
"Those are private Jack they are nothing to do with you."
"When was the last time you ate Clarice? When was the last time you had a shower? Left the house?"
"That is none of your business!" Clarice could feel herself getting angry, even though her body was telling her that she didn't have the energy….
"Come on Starling! Look at you! This isn't right, this isn't you! What's going on huh?" Clarice just turned away from him. "I think you need a break Clarice. I think that you've been through a lot recently, you need to sort yourself out."
"Oh! That's very kind of you Doctor Crawford, is that your analytical evaluation of my state of mind because you are bang on the mark!"
"Look at you! Listen to yourself! This isn't like you! You're not like this…."
"So you're the voice that keeps telling me that…" Clarice mumbled to herself. Jack took a small step back as he lifted his head slightly.
"Clarice, you need to see someone. You need help. Its perfectly natural, you've been through a lot…."
"I don't want to see anyone Jack! I don't want to see you, or anyone from work, or anyone else! I don't need to see anyone!" She shouted, leaning in towards him slightly. Jack looked away and took a deep breath. He slipped his hand in his pocket and took out a small business card.
"This is the number of one of Europe's most highly thought of psychiatrists. He has agreed to see you, all we need to do is arrange a time…."
"You've done all this? Behind my back…..?"
"Well Clarice you weren't exactly there to ask, and seen as you don't answer your phone anymore…."
"Wait a minute, who gave you permission to come in here and try to sort my life out? You talk to me like you know what I am thinking? Well you can bog off because you don't know what I am thinking, and you can stop right there trying to help me, because it's YOU and THE DEPARTMENT that's made me like this!"
"It was not us and you know it, you know exactly who to blame for this…"
"Don't you dare, don't you dare say it…."
"I wouldn't give him the credit of taking your sanity away from you Clarice, I mean yourself. You have done this to yourself. What did I tell you? Don't let Hannibal Lecter get inside your head. First day, first time. And what do you do? You let your weaknesses walk all over you… You let him in there. Now look what he has done to you."
Then Clarice did something that unnerved Jack Crawford more than anything had done that day. She didn't react.
"Please leave." She turned away from him, leaning on the counter top to steady herself. "Please, just leave me alone." Jack didn't know what to say.
"Clarice…. Please…."
"Just go." She said simply. He sighed, slowly backing out of the room.
"The card is on the table Clarice. You need to get yourself sorted out. Just…. Just give me a call soon." She said nothing.
And with that, he walked out of the house, closing the door firmly behind him.
Clarice was more confused than ever. Where there should have been and usually would have been anger, there was nothing. Nobody would have ever walked into Clarice Starling's house and given her abuse like that and got away with it! She would have been furious, and the least she would have done is pulled her gun on him! Yet there wasn't any anger, where she would have usually have been beside herself… she didn't even feel upset. Nothing. No feelings.
She knew that she needed help. This was getting out of control. Maybe she should take the hand of friendship that the department was offering….. the same hand that had played a massive part in making her like this in the first place…..
Clarice sighed, walking over to the table and sliding the business card off it, twirling it in her fingers so she could read it.
"Dr Shaun Walker PhD- Clinical psychology. 35, Greenhead Lane, London."
London???
Clarice sighed again. London? Did she even have the energy to travel? To talk to someone who wanted to get inside her head?
All she knew was that she could sort this.. whatever it was, out herself. She would give herself 2 more days to do something about it, and failing that she would need to look for help.
Until then, all she wanted to do is go back to bed, just for 2 minutes….
Ok, I know, not much advancement, but please just work with me here!! Thank you to the people who have alrady reviewed, superstars!!! Mwuah Mwuah:-)