WARNING: Unauthorized reading of the following paragraph may result in you getting a headache because the next paragraph is freakishly long. If you do not want a headache, follow these step(s):
1) Read the following paragraph out loud.. (It really helps.)
If you have understood the step(s) that were just shown to you two seconds ago, read ahead, if you have not understood the step(s) that were just shown to you two seconds ago, you may as well stop reading now because there isn't a snowball's chance in hell you will understand the rest of the chapter.
Understand? Good. Read ahead.
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In your mind's eye, picture a room. Picture a really big room. Picture a really big room that was previously seen in the climax of the last chapter. Picture a really big room that was previously seen in the climax of the last chapter that is covered in darkness because my present self turned the lights off manually. Picture a really big room that was previously seen in the climax of the last chapter that is covered in darkness because my present self turned the lights off manually because this really big room that that was previously seen in the climax of the last chapter that is covered in darkness because my present self turned the lights off manually is going to be the scene of the exposition of this new chapter.
I switch on the lights. (Notice the first person writing style here folks, it's important.) The room is suddenly flooded in light. The chicken that my present self summoned accidentally when he meant to turn off the lights was running around on the floor. I walk forward holding a stack of papers, I sift through them, concerned. A couple of metal fold-away chairs are scattered across the room, I sit on one and address YOU, my wonderful readers.
"Greetings to all my wonderful readers who are reading this right now." I say, "You are probably wondering why I am referring to myself in the first person now, because I have not done so for the past… how many chapters are we up to now? Oh yeah, eleven, plus a prologue… but anyways folks, the reason I'm referring to myself in the first person now at the middle of the beginning of the end is because I am not my past of present self at the moment, I am my future self.
"Trouble understanding? Well, my present self isn't my present, he's my past, because I am the future DaAlCh. The reason I can talk about myself in the first person is because I am not really part of the story, how can my present/past self refer to himself in the first person when their part of the story, after this little segment of the chapter, I'll go back to character limbo and write the story from my room, which is, coincidentally, the site where Christopher Paolini met his end.
"Anyways, The reason I have come to host this part of the segment was so that I could talk about my wonderful reviewers…" I lift the first paper from the large stack, clear my throat, and begin to read in a loud, clear voice:
Kitty and AmethystI'm sorry Kitty, but this fanfic already has two groups/clubs/associations too many, I'm afraid this fic can't support another one. I mean, I have to give F.W.W.T.M.B. their necessary screen time. If I don't, I'll face the wrath of Hilda. So… Sorry, but this fic can't fit the Association of the Destruction of Mary Sues inside itself. But maybe later…
Vinr: Not much to comment on, but I will.
Lady Charity: I'm glad you like the three side-by-side chapter updates, sorry this one is a little late, but I hope you'll like it. I'm also glad you like Hilda/Herman, even though her relations are horribly short… I'm going to try to make every single computer/robot in this fanfic intelligent.
Invaderm: I'm glad you're enjoying so many different things about the story so far. I'm also pretty glad that you've got me on your story alert. I've been wondering for many many months why you never put the story on your story alert list, because you kept reviewing for every chapter. And you do have a past self, imagine yourself a year ago, there you go, your past self. And I'm so glad you slapped me, it developed your character greatly-
I look to my right in a hurry. I start, a look of horror crosses my face, and I bolt the other way so fast that I knock my chair down. The chicken that was summoned in the last chapter follows me, squawking. A second passes, we see Invaderm run across the room. Soon Invaderm is out of our field of vision, a thud and a squawk (The squawk is from the chicken, the thud is from Invaderm and I.) is heard, and Invaderm walks away, smile plastered on face. I crawl back to my chair in pain, prop it back up, and continue answering the reviews.
Alsdssg: Yes, Murtagh has fallen under the spell under another Sue. He seems to fall under a lot of Sue spells doesn't he? I guess he is a popular male character that fan girls gush over with a passion… Well look at the Eragon fan fiction front page! EVERY OTHER FIC HAS AN AUTHOR-CREATED CHARACTER THAT IS A TEENAGE GIRL, AND ALL OF THEM HAVE TO DO WITH THEM FALLING IN LOVE WITH ERAGON/MURTAGH. Grrrr……
Jousting Elf With A Sabre: Glad you find the end of Hilda's and Herman's incredibly short relationship funny. Seriously. She really doesn't get to many steady relationships does she? First C.P. dies, then T-89, then Herman. She really needs to get herself on Glad I got a longtime fan to review! Thanks for reviewing! Glad you mentioned Murtagh and Eragon dueling, which is exactly what I mean for them to do. Except Khrytalle won't kill them, because the love triangle would end right then and there because…. Well… you'll see.
MysteryWriter221: Yes, somebody has to save the past DaAlCh. Or else the past DaAlCh won't be able to become the present DaAlCh and write the story and imprison the past DaAlCh, and then the present DaAlCh won't become me, the future DaAlCh. And just something really weird I noticed: The middle part of your review sounds like Gollum says it, just so you know…
The Varden: Again, not much to say, but thank you.
DU EBRITHIL: Hooray! Another reviewer! How wonderful! But I do have something else to say though… GAH! NOT THE HARDCOVER COPIES OF ELDEST! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!
I put the last paper down on the floor, where all the rest lie along with it. I stand up, clear my throat, and say in a loud voice, "Thank you all for staying with the story so far, I'm really grateful I have so many wonderful fans enjoying the story. I hope you all stay with the rest of the story. Without further ado… I present to you…
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CHAPTER TWELVE OF MARYSUE: A COMEDY.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
PART II
A.K.A. THE MIDDLE OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END.
BY DAALCH.
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When we left off last time, the members of F.W.W.T.M.B. have been imprisoned by DaAlCh, along with DaAlCh's past and Bob the computer, except in different locations. Murtagh has left to lead his armies and destroy the Varden while Khrystalle's and Eragon's relationship is now in a perilous position. Nasuada wants to join F.W.W.M.T.B. and Orik and Angela aren't contributing any to the overall plot of the story. Detective Vice, Doctor Quack, and Father Jeb have been knocked unconscious. The present DaAlCh has unintentionally summoned a chicken into being when he meant to turn off the lights. The Anti-Sue and Mystery Inc. haven't been seen since Chapter Nine. The Varden soldiers have been murdered by Khrystalle and have been replaced by robots from Wal-Mart. Galbatorix broods in an evil manner. Herman, C.P, the Editor, and T-89 are all dead, and the readers are waiting for this incredibly long paragraph to end.
And now it has.
Anyways, because the last chapter ended with Khrystalle and Eragon…
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The horn rang loud, long and clear. The entire plain could hear the horn. A red dragon could be seen rising from the Varden's camp. Khrystalle turned to Eragon, her face was shining with the reflections of many single tears upon it. Her eyes were a watery, deep blue. She tried to speak, but it took a few tries to get anything out of her mouth, but when the words did come out, they were like perfection molded into a sound.
"Eragon… I'm…. so sorry. Please… Forgive me."
Eragon merely looked stubbornly at the ground, not saying a word.
"Please."
Eragon looked into Khrystalle's eyes, (Which were like wells of immense knowledge and wisdom as deep as the ocean.) and immediately, he was taken under her spell.
"No," He said, grasping her hands firmly, "It was my fault, I was too hard on you. It's alright, every thing is fine, now go, I have to fight."
Well that was easy, even for me… Thought Khrystalle.
"Eragon, let me fight too." Khrystalle said as Eragon made to move away, "I need to do this, I can't run away from my Father's armies. I'm probably the reason why they are attacking. Please, Eragon."
This time, however, Eragon's resolute was not be changed, he cared about her so much, he would never allow her to come any closer to death than the distance between L.A. and New York. "No." He said, "Please go, hide, I will come for you when the battle is over." He made to leave again, and this time she did not hold him back.
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The members of F.W.W.T.M.B. were being marched along a stone hallway, lit only by the occasional torch or so. Every so often, there would be a door on the wall that led to a cell. They had passed 2171 cells before they finally got to their own (Number 2172), an economy-sized cell built specifically to hold large crowds, or large critters.
"Why are there so many cells?" asked an exhausted Katrina.
"We-need-a-lot-of-cells-to-hold-all-of-our-disobedient-employees." Replied the robotic guard. "In-to-the-cell, you!"
"What qualifies as 'disobedient?" asked Arya as she was roughly shoved down into the cell.
"Asking-for-a-pay-raise. No-more-questions!" Said the second guard. When all four members of F.W.W.T.M.B. were inside the cell. He turned to his colleagues and said, "Mission-complete."
Silently, all of the guards turned and marched off down the corridor, closing the door to cell 2172 behind them, trapping our favorite women's club inside it.
"Well this sucks." Said Saphira bluntly.
'Well we can't exactly sit around here can't we?" Katrina said, "We've still got to rescue Roran, and we've also got to rescue ourselves. I mean, getting someone else out of danger is tough enough, but getting ALL of us OUT of danger is going to be next to impossible."
Arya looked at her, "So we need a plan. Hilda, do you have any suggestions?"
No answer.
Arya looked at Hilda, who had one of her plugs in the wall socket and her 'face' wasn't facing any of them.
"Hilda?"
No answer.
Arya turned around, and saw that Hilda was surfing the internet. When Arya saw the website she was on, her curious face became an incredulous one. If-all-of-your-relationships-only-lasted-one-chapter."
Katrina came forward. Saphira would have, but even though the cell was economy-sized, it was still barely big enough to fit Saphira's bulk, the laptop, and the two women. "Well, why don't you look for boyfriends later, we need you to hack into the Wal-Mart main computer for us so we can all get out of here."
There was silence, then came the answer.
"Fine. I'll-do-it. But-no-more-favors."
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Back in the Varden camp…
The Second Battle of the Burning Plains had begun, soldiers were running every which way, like chickens with their heads cut off. Eragon, Orik, and Angela were all fighting the Empire's soldiers, though they didn't need to. The robots from Wal-Mart were doing a very good job. For ever robot the Empire's men killed, the robots had killed ten of the Empire's soldiers. Khrystalle was deliberating on whether she should run or fight. The red dragon named Thorn could be seen flying high above the battlefield.
Nasuada meanwhile was busily trying to send her registration to F.W.W.T.M.B. to the mailbox, while avoiding dozens of soldiers.
Khrystalle was standing behind one of the Varden's tents, she was watching Eragon fight off several of the Empire's men, as she watched she wondered how on earth did Eragon find it so hard to kill rabbits and ants, but found it so easy to kill hordes of humans. But she quickly put it out of her mind as Eragon ducked out of the way of a soldier's blow.
"Eragon!" She screamed, and she ditched her hiding place and ran for Eragon, she had to protect him, so what if she defied him. He'd forgive her for being to hard on her anyways. Eragon was falling onto the ground, the soldier was about to go in for the killing blow…
Then found himself on the end of Khrystalle's ornate, Japanese-looking, silver sword. He fell to the ground, dead.
"Khrystalle! What the hell do you think you're doing!" Eragon yelled at her as she proceeded to decapitate, maim, kill and disfigure four more Empire soldiers, in that order.
"Saving your life!" She yelled as she spared a moment to look at him straight in the eye.
"I forgive you!" He said as he stood up and joined the fight.
The battle proceeded for several more minutes, it was pure unstop action. Finally the Empire's soldiers realized who they were fighting.
"It's her! His majesty's daughter! SEIZE HER!" Said the captains has they saw who was fighting them.
Eventually Eragon and Khrystalle were overwhelmed. All of the Empire's soldiers were intent upon capturing Khrystalle and bringing her to Galbatorix. Eragon finally said, "Khrystalle you can't stay here! Run! I'll hold them off! We'll both stand a better chance then!"
"No!"
"Please Khrystalle! You need to do this!"
"Oh Eragon…"
"KHRYSTALLE! YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME!"
"Oh right… 'bye then…"
And she was gone, running gracefully over the corpses of the men they had killed.
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The present DaAlCh quickly walked through the corridors of Wal-Mart HQ, he needed to contact Galbatorix and tell him what has happening on the other end, but he didn't know how. The present DaAlCh stopped suddenly and looked up to the ceiling.
"Then why don't you TELL me what I should do?!" He asked.
Who are you talking to?
"YOU! My future self. I need help, what should I do? I'm not sure of what to do right now because my past self is imprisoned under MY orders! And how are we not going to confuse the audience? There are three of us!"
I'll start with the second one, 'cause it's easier. Why don't we call ourselves…
………………….
"Yes?" Asked the present DaAlCh.
I've got it. The past DaAlCh will be "The DaAlCh of Christmas Past." You'll be "The DaAlCh of Christmas Present." And I'll be "The DaAlCh of Christmas Future."
"Christmas present? It's not Christmas!" Said The DaAlCh of Christmas Present.
I know, but it's really memorable. Anyways… now for the first question. Let's see…. Go to the Conference Room, and wait for The Detective, The Doctor and the Father to come in, then, you'll know what to do.
"Fine." said the DaAlCh of Christmas Present, peeved.
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"How's that hacking going?" Katrina asked.
"Good. I-am-looking-at-the-detention-cell-files. I-have-learned-that-we-will-be-served-food-in-a-few-minutes." Hilda replied.
"Anything else." asked Saphira.
"Not-much. Although-I-have-learned-one-of-the-DaAlCh's-we-encountered-is-being-imprisoned-in-a-special-cell-that-is-apparently-already-occupied-by-two-people. Who-they-are, I-can-not-say, it-is-a-restricted-file."
"Then how do you know it's occupied by two people?" said Arya.
"I-can-tell-there-are-two-people-in-there-already-because-of-the-amount-of-food-going-into-the-cell. Each-prisoner-gets-two-pieces-of-bread-and-a-glass-of-water-a-day. That-cell-is-receiving-four-pieces-of-bread-and-two-glasses-of-water-a-day."
Katrina waved her arm impatiently, "That's beside the point, we need to find a way to get out of here."
"I agree." sighed Arya, leaning on a wall.
"I-know. I-think-that-when-one-of-those-robots-comes-and-gives-us-food, I-may-be-able-to-transfer-my-self-inside-the-body. Then-I-will-be-able-to-set-you-free, we-can-save-Roran, and-figure-out-the-mystery-of-the-two-DaAlCh's."
A knock on the cell door. "I-am-coming-in! Do-not-move!"
"Hilda!" Saphira roared, get off of there, or else we'll be caught!!"
"No! Knock-out-the-guard. We-will-be-caught. But-we-could-learn-valuable-information-from-him!" The door opened. Immediately Arya and Katrina were on the robotic guard. They slapped him, clawed at him, bit him, etc. In return he pulled their hair, screamed and thrashed at them. It was best cat fight a guy could ask for.
Eventually the guard was overpowered, and the members of F.W.W.T.M.B. pulled him over to Hilda, who proceeded to put one of her cables into him. "Now, prepare-for-battle. We'll-have-to-escape-quickly, so-prepare-for-resistance. We-only-have-a-few-minutes-before-they-catch-on-to-us."
And silently, they began to prepare.
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Eragon continued to fight the Empire's soldiers. They were making good progress, the soldiers of the Empire were no match for Wal-Mart's robots. Elsewhere across the plains, Nasuada had finished sending her application to F.W.W.T.M.B. and had already killed 5 men, in only 3 minutes. Angela had the tricked the guards into thinking there was a bunny rabbit hidden in the clouds and had bludgeoned all of the men she had tricked across the head. And Orik was, as usual, hacking through men in a drunken fury.
Murtagh saw all of this as he soared across the battlefield on Thorn. He looked at the Varden and their metal soldiers with a look of hatred in his eye. If only he was ordered to kill Eragon, he would do so without a second's thought. Eragon did not deserve to exist on this Earth. He was free, he had Khrystalle's heart, and he did not have his scar anymore, he had healed, not like him. His face did not show this however, because under Galbatorix's training he was forced to always have his face show as much emotion as a block of wood. A dark, brooding, handsome block of wood that is.
"I'm hungry," interrupted Thorn.
Murtagh closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and replied, " Thorn, can't you see I'm a little busy brooding in a way that will make any fan girl squeal?" To prove his point, he made the best dark, brooding face that put any dark, brooding face he had ever made before in the past to shame.
"Yes, but I'm still hungry."
"I don't care I'm busy, now shut up, I think I just saw her…" Murtagh scanned the battleground, and his eyes finally fell on a spot near an outcropping of rocks. " There!"
"Who?"
Murtagh grinned a hormonal grin "Khrystalle, the Raven Huntress." He sighed like a sixteen year old male with a crush on the hottest senior in high school.
"The Mary Sue that everyone's been talking about for the past god knows how many chapters?" Inquired Thorn.
"Yeah. That's her."
Thorn sighed, then spoke with an accent that sounded like a stereotypical English professor at Oxford. "Murtagh, it does not matter if a Sue is from Yasuac, a slave, a servant working for Galby, Galby's daughter, or your sister, you will still be a Sue-magnet, so get over it."
"I know…. But she's so pretty."
"Oh for the love of…"
"Listen, I have to have her. She's different from the other Sue's… she's…. Well I need her alright?!" At this point Murtagh had tears of internal struggle and rage on his face. Tears that were, dark and brooding of course.
"Fine." And the two of them flew off in search of Murtagh's bonnie lass.
Eragon looked up, Thorn was moving quickly. He looked at Thorn's flight path. Where could he be headed? His eyes glanced toward the rocks Khrystalle was suppose to be hiding behind, then to the dragon.
Damn it…
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The DaAlCh of Christmas Past meanwhile, was being taken to a special security cell that the members of F.W.W.T.M.B. were just talking about. He was accompanied by Bob the Computer, who was also being imprisoned, along with three robot guards, forming a small procession through the darkened halls of Wal-Mart HQ. They eventually reached a wardrobe, where two more robot guards were waiting.
"Halt. Search-him-for-any-writing-utensils." Said the guard standing at the wardrobe.
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past proceeded to be searched. In total, the robots found, in alphabetical order: 3 Highlighters, 4 pieces of paper, 13 Pens, 9 Pencils, 17 post-it notes, 2 sharpies, and a zebra. One of the guards led the zebra away to Wal-Mart's stables, where they mistreated every single unfortunate ungulate that trotted through those doors. One of the guards forced Bob out of DaAlCh's hands and into a 'discard' bin.
The moment the zebra left the room, the guards began to force the DaAlCh of Christmas Past into the wardrobe prison. The DaAlCh of Christmas Past began to thrash violently back and forth. "NO! You can't DO this to me! I'm an author! I should have the power to defeat you! Give my power back!"
"No. If-we-gave-you-a-writing-utensil, you-could-break-free-of-any-defense-we-have. Authors-must-be-controlled."
"I CAN'T BE CONTROLLED!" The DaAlCh of Christmas Past, "I'll find a way! I will! Just you wait! I'LL USE CHARCOAL, FINGERNAILS ON GYPSUM, MY OWN BLOOD!!!!!!"
"L.W.C's!!!" Called the guard restraining the insane DaAlCh of Christmas Past. Immediately, three robots in long white coats came running into the room. They quickly were upon the DaAlCh of Christmas Past and after a brief struggle, had forced him inside a pretty fancy straightjacket and had put duct tape over the DaAlCh's mouth. The guards now found it much easier to put him inside the wardrobe.
The job done, all of the robots dusted their hands and left the room, one by one, only two were left behind to guard the wardrobe. A L.W.C. and the chief guard stood at the entryway to the room, and talked quietly.
"The-members-of-F.W.W.T.M.B.-have-taken-out-a-guard-and-are-using-the-information-in-his-Positronic-brain-to-escape." Said one of the L.W.C's.
"Do-not-worry." Said the chief guard. "I-was-given-word-that-something-like-this-would-happen. I-have-sent-down-a-troop-of-Type-'T'-robots-to-deal-with-them."
"Type-T? The-same-type-that-attacked-Christopher-Paolini's-funeral-and-killed-his-editor?"
"Yes. The-very-same. And-besides, F.W.W.T.M.B's-plan-will-backfire."
"Backfire? How?" Inquired the L.W.C.
"Well…."
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(Flashback…)
"Think. You. Can. Play. With. Fire. Can. You? Watch. This." T-89 said as he opened his mouth and let out a jet of flame. Saphira ducked under it and went for the Robot's legs, she opened up her talons and scratched the area behind T-89's knees. The robot let out a scream of pain and lashed down towards the flying dragon. The arm just barely missed Saphira.
Katrina and the editor were running away as fast as they could towards the front door. Thankfully, the robot had not seen them, for now.
The battle was going badly for both parties. T-89 was suffering damage, and Arya was unconscious. "Hilda, Help Me!" Came the cry of both Saphira and T-89. So Hilda hopped on over towards the robot's connection port and put in one of her wires.
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Eragon, Shaggy, Scooby and the Anti-Sue watched the battle play out from afar. Eragon saw that all that was needed to turn the tide of the battle was one person… one person only.
He wanted to be that person.
He lifted an arrow out of his sack…
The robot swept at Saphira…
He put the arrow in the bow…
Saphira let out a gust of flame…
The pulled tight…
The robot was behaving erratically..
And then he let it go, and then said BRISINGR!
The burning arrow flew across the hall as if it was in slow motion… time seemed to stop…
And then the arrow found it's mark.
The robot in it's awesome rage fired up it's lasers and began firing everywhere. The few guests that were left immediately got fried, the tables, the chairs also were fried. Then the laser was aimed at Eragon and Co. Eragon barely had enough time to leap out of the way and landed on his back, panting.
"Need any help?"
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The robot was so angry at the fact it could not complete it's task to kill the editor of the Inheritance Trilogy that it began frying everything in sight with its powerful lasers.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Said a musical voice from the front door.
The robot looked towards the speaker, along with everyone else in the room, then everyone said:
"IT'S KHRYSTALLE!!!"
The members of F.W.W.T.M.B. groaned.
Khrystalle was standing at the doorway with Eragon, the Anti-Sue, Shaggy, Scooby, Katrina and the Editor. Khrystalle took a calm step forward, the leaped all the way across the room and landed on the robot's face. The robot howled in pain. Khrystalle then did a graceful flip around T-89's head, white hair glistening in the fluorescent lights, and landed at the wounded portion of the head.
"Here she comes to save the DAAAYYY!!!" yelled out the survivors who were not characters, of the laser.
Khrystalle took a single arrow and aimed in the central computer. The effect was immediate. T-89 shook, spluttered, gears popped out and wires broke. It sagged and it's knees bent in on each other, it wobbled but it did not fall.
"Hilda… Help… Me…" Said T-89 in it's last breath.
"Sorry-snookums. But-this-is… How-it…. Has-to-be…" Then T-89 died.
(End Flashback)
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"When-Hilda-inserted-her-wires-into-T-89, she-gave-us-access-into-her-memory, giving-us-the-Varden's-deepest-secrets. We-can-even-shut-her-down… forever."
The two robots laughed as much as a robot could laugh, and then they stopped suddenly, and walked away. The lights in the room clicked off, leaving Bob the computer alone with two robot guards to deal with.
Bob looked to the left, Bob looked to the right. Silently, he jumped out of the discard box and made is way to the door. He knew only one thing, he had to go to Hilda. Because he needed to know the meaning of what she told him all those months ago.
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(Flashback…)
Several months previously… After the DaAlCh of Christmas Past left and before he returned.
Bob the Computer was very bored. He hadn't had a user to obey for months. He was getting very dusty, and the rats were spending their free time chewing on his cables. If only there was something or someone to break the monotony…
FWA-ZAM!!!! A trans-dimensional portal appeared through the air, sending a battle-worn laptop through it. The laptop landed with a thump next to Bob.
"That'll do." Thought Bob.
The laptop coughed once, then twice, and turned to face Bob. When she spoke, she sounded female, she also sounded peeved. "Why-do-I-still-have-to-do-grunt-work-when-I-have-only-a-few-minutes-of-life-left… Anyways…" The female laptop put one of her cables into Bob and began to send him several complicated programs, intending to grant him sentience. The task was done in a few seconds, due to the two of them both having quite a fast processing speed.
"Are-you-sentient?"
"Yes… My-name… Is-Bob…"
"Glad-to-hear-it. I-am-Hilda. I-have-a-message-for-you-from-a-certain-meathead. The-next-time-you-see-DaAlCh-give-him-this-message."
"Okay."
"Mary-Sues-absolutely-suck, they-are-like-giant-black-holes-that-suck-the-entire-story-around-them, you-should-have-never-created-Khrystalle-even-if-she-is-a-humor-sue, really, she-is-messed-up-because-she-is-a-sue, she-seriously-needs-help, she-just-isn't-a-believable-character." Hilda said as fast she could. She took a second to process the next information, several loud beeps were heard, " End-of-message. Shut-your-self… down…. And-wait-until-DaAlCh-returns…."
Bob noticed that the edges of her monitor were beginning to peel, and she was beginning to smoke at the hard drive.
"Is-something-wrong-Hilda?" Bob asked tentatively.
Hilda took a second before she answered, "No… I-am-SUPPOSE-to-be-smoking-at…. Sarcasm…."
"Oh."
"I'm…. Dying…. You…. Dumb-butt…." Hilda gasped, flames were appearing beneath her keyboard…. "10... 9.… oh…. 7.… what-a…. way…. 5.….. For…. me….. 3.…… to….. 2.…… Go……. 1.……" She sighed, and said quietly, "Zero."
And Hilda the laptop exploded in Bob's face. Bob stared at where Hilda use to sit, now occupied only by a clump of dust that was smoking and was beginning to waft through the rest of the room. Bob looked around the room for any else that would be as interesting as Hilda, but did not succeed, so he shut himself off, so that he shut himself down, and waited for DaAlCh to return.
(End of Flashback)
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And so Bob the Computer left the room to search the halls of Wal-Mart for the mysterious Hilda, while meanwhile, the DaAlCh of Christmas Past was facing his own problem….
"NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M DAALCH! I'M SPECIAL!!!! PLEASE!!! OH PLEASE! THE RATS WILL CHEW ON MY BONES…..!!!!!!" None of these words materialized, as the duct tape blocked them most effectively.
"Oh not ANOTHER insane person…" mumbled a voice in the absolute darkness.
"A new friend!" Came a woman's voice. "How fun! Let's count his toes! I have ten! You have ten! Does he have ten? I don't know! Let's find out!!!!!"
"Not the toes… you count our toes every DAY." Came the mumbling male voice. He sounded tired.
"It's so much fun!" The female voice giggled "Toes toes toes toes toes!!!"
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past turned to the direction of the voices. "Who are you?" He asked, but as duct tape is so effective for sealing something, the only thing the others heard was "Whrmmph"
"Hehehehehehe." Came the female voice, "His mouth is covered with duct tape…."
"NO! DON'T!" The male voice cried out, and the DaAlCh of Christmas Past heard a movement in the dark.
FFFFWWWAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!
"OOWWWWWW!!!!" Cried out the DaAlCh of Christmas Past as he fell to the floor in pain.
"Sorry about that. She's gotten steadily more insane ever since she got here." The male voice said. "Here.' A hand reached down and picked up the fallen DaAlCh, who couldn't get up do to the straight jacked. "How do you feel?"
"Confused, my future self kidnapped my past self, or rather me."
"Huh?" Behind the male voice the DaAlCh of Christmas Past could hear the female voice playing with the duct tape. "Listen, why don't you tell me who you are? We're all high security prisoners here, y'know."
"My name is DaAlCh." The past DaAlCh said.
A cry from the male voice, "DaAlCh! DaAlCh!!!! It was your Mary Sue that invaded MY story and sent me to this prison while she caused havoc!!!!"
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past shook his head, "It can't be….. Christopher Paolini?"
"Correct." Came C.P's voice, "I was here for ages all on my lonesome, and then I was joined by the editor, who doesn't exactly make very good company," He paused and the sounds of the editor counting her toes filled up the Past DaAlCh's ears. "And now you're here, so would mind telling me what you're doing here so that we can all escape from this place?"
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Hilda was hard at work hacking into the robot's brain, which was turning into more of a lobotomy than anything else as the minutes ticked on.
"Scalpel." Commanded Hilda.
Arya handed her a scalpel. When Hilda was finished with it, she tossed it away with one of her wires.
"Knife." Commanded Hilda.
Katrina handed her a knife. Hilda cut into the robot's electrical system, short circuiting it so that the other robots would not be able to tell what information Hilda had gained from her peek through Robot 5J3-8FH4 systems. "If you don't mind me asking, why are we doing this?" Asked Katrina.
"So-we-can-save-Roran's-life." Said Hilda. "That's-what-we-came-here-to-do, remember?"
"Hey! That rhymed!"
"What?" Asked Saphira.
"Didn't you listen?" Said Arya, exasperated, "Scalpel, knife, so we can save Roran's life!"
Katrina stared at her, "Dear God…. It's only been half a chapter, but she's already losing her sanity. We need to get out of here NOW!"
"With a scalpel and a knife, we'll save Roran's life! Ba dum da dum dum!" Arya began to sing.
"Point-taken."
"I think I've just lost a few brain cells myself, listening to that song." Saphira commented dryly.
"This is just another reason to hate Khrystalle." Katrina pouted.
"Now-now. Do-not-think-like-that. I-do-not-hate-her, I-merely-have-a-love/hate-relationship-with-her." Hilda said wisely.
"You don't hate Khrystalle?" Saphira blinked.
"Well… I-love-to-hate-her. But-it's-the-same-thing-really…"
The members of F.W.W.T.M.B. got up and left their cell and entered the hallways of Wal-Mart, but unknown to them, followed by six giant robots.
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Thorn touched down on the hard rocks, startling Khrystalle, who was hiding behind the largest of the rocks. Murtagh stepped down from his dragon in a dark, brooding way, as usual. He strode forward several paces, and called out. "Khrystalle, I know you are here. Please, let me talk to you."
Behind the rock, Khrystalle bit her lip. She couldn't leave, not against Eragon's wishes. Her internal conflict was solved however, when Eragon came running out of nowhere, drew out his sword and cried to Murtagh. "Murtagh!" He screamed, "You have questions to answer!"
"Eragon." growled Murtagh, in a dark brooding way, "So do you."
Murtagh now, too, drew his sword. And the two of them stood facing each other, waiting for the other to strike. Then, at the same time, they lunged at each other.
The duel was on.
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Detective Vice, Doctor Quack and Father Jeb were sitting in large, dimly lit, and pretty sweet conference room. There was a nice, big oak table in the middle of the room, and all three Wal-Mart drones were sitting by. Roran was also chained to the table.
A set of double doors opened, and the DaAlCh of Christmas Present walked into the room. "You wished to see me?" He asked, hands on his hips.
"Sit down." Said Detective Vice, in a deep voice. He still had a large welt where Saphira fell on him last chapter.
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past blanched, "Isn't that what you say to somebody when you fire them?"
"That's true." Father Jeb admitted, "But don't think of it as being fired, just being… disposed of."
"WHAT! How can I be disposed of? We're partners, plus, I'm an author! No matter what you do, I can escape, I have the power to write myself of any situation. What game are you playing."
Doctor Quack, "No game, my dear boy, you have unfortunately outlived your usefulness. And besides," The Doctor leaned back and stretched like a cat, "You don't have the powers of a fanfiction author anymore."
"Huh?"
Detective Vice grinned, "If only you had read the fine print." He handed the DaAlCh a paper, "Here, read it."
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past took the paper silently and quickly began to read:
The powers of DaAlCh's fan fiction powers will only exist as long as there is no other fan fiction author present in the story for more than one chapter. Regular authors, such as CP, do not count. The employees of Wal-Mart will make sure not to bring a fan fiction author in the story for more than a chapter at a time. Unless, if DaAlCh chooses to enter his own story, we will not stop him.
The DaAlCh of Christmas Past looked up, when had he ever entered his own story? He had been a character since the very beginning, and his powers had only begun to fade…. The DaAlCh of Christmas Past! Of course! When he entered the story, both their powers had begun to cancel out. He looked up, all three employees of Wal-Mart were smiling.
The Detective sighed and shook his head, "DaAlCh, we only made that agreement because we knew that we could use your story as a catalyst for our… other plans. Much bigger plans than wrecking havoc over all of Alagaesia."
"OTHER plans?"
Doctor Quack snorted, "Taking over the world, stupid."
"Yes," Said Father Jeb, "You did not know, but we implemented a special program in your story. And this program is being spread to other fan stories. This process of taking-over the world would have taken ages to finally spread to the main page of but thanks to Khrystalle and your own past self's stupidity, this process would have much longer than it already has."
Doctor Quack interrupted, "Because there are two DaAlCh's in this story now, you have both lost custody of Khrystalle. She is a very useful tool, you have no idea how much power a Sue generates, by the time the program implements itself in the main page, every single person who goes to that page will hypnotized and become drones of Wal-Mart to fight for our cause."
Detective Vice concluded this little speech, "You see little boy? What began as a running gag, quickly became a minor villain, which quickly became a metaphor for the need of diversity in the market, which then became a major villain, and has now proceeded to become a massive threat to the entire world."
The DaAlCh of Christmas Present shook his head like a dog bothered by fleas. "How long have you been planning this?"
"A very, very long time."
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(Flashback… Don't worry though… this is the last one….)
Detective Plot. D. Vice was sitting in his crate, meditating.
He was forced back into his crate by two Varden guards, and now was going through the rather lengthy process of getting shipped out of Aberon International Airport. He had to get revenge, but how? He also had to pee, but that was beside the point. He knew he would have lengthy shipping periods when he decided to work for Wal-Mart.
He pulled out his Detective Certificate, he cut it out of the back of a Cheerios box when he was young, when he decided to work for Wal-Mart, they accepted the fake certificate in an instant. He ate his complementary peanuts mournfully, he wasn't allowed to have any drinks on board, so he was forced to be thirsty, he really needed a latte grande from Starbucks.
When he was planning how to get revenge, the view screen on the side of the box popped up. On the view screen, he saw a borg drone concealed in darkness.
"How-did-your-mission-to-Algaesia-go-D666?" The Drone asked.
"Not to well, they fired me." The Detective admitted.
"What?"
"They fired me, and they hired new detectives to solve where Christopher Paolini, Roran and Eragon went so they can finally figure out how to bring down DaAlCh and his Mary Sue." The Detective explained.
"The-situation-is-worse-than-we-thought. We-must-make-a-move-before-they-discover-the-truth. We-will-take-you-back-to-HQ. Then-we-may-plan-our-next-move. Those-Alagaesian-fools-can-not-resist-the-power-of-the-Wal-Mart-collective. They-will-be-assimilated-into-the-collective." The Borg said, before shutting of the connection between the Detective and HQ.
In the darkness of the crate, the detective laughed.
(End Flashback)
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"And now, I am very glad to tell you that you have lost custody of Khrystalle," Said Detective Vice, "Khrystalle can't have two owners, she can only have one, and that one is the C.E.O. of Wal-Mart."
"Guards!" Father Jeb cried out. Six robots appeared out of the shadows.
"Any last words, boy?" Said Doctor Quack.
The DaAlCh of Christmas Present looked the left, then to the right. And set off a massive smoke bomb, giving him a nice shield to leave through, and confuse them into going the wrong direction.
Then the smoke detectors began to beep and Wal-Mart massive sprinkler system turned on, soaking everyone in the room. The smoke quickly wafted away, leaving a very wet DaAlCh with one foot in and out of the room, who also was carrying an unconsious Roran over his shoulder.
Everyone just stood there for a few seconds.
"Get him!" Yelled Detective Vice, pointing a finger at DaAlCh.
The chase was on.
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The duel continued with no hope of stopping anytime soon.
Parry, duck, feint, parry, parry, feint, duck. The sword blows continued with a dull repetition. Finally Murtagh pulled himself away from the incensed Eragon. "Enough of this!" He half growled/half yelled in a dark, brooding manner.
He took several steps back away from Eragon, who stood his ground. "Now, Eragon. Prepare to feel a power I learned from ANOTHER dark lord?"
"What do you mean?" Asked Eragon.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"Hey, that's not from Inheri-"
But Eragon never finished the sentence because at that moment, Khrystalle came running out of her hiding place. Screaming her head off, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" And she flung herself between Eragon and the green light. Taking the blow for herself. The only problem was, Eragon flung out his sword at the same to deflect the green light, and Khrystalle hit the sword the same time the green light hit her.
She fell to ground immediately afterward, still looking beautiful, not a look of fear on her face. Eragon and Murtagh both looked at Khrystalle, the Raven Huntress.
She was dead.
Khrystalle, The Raven Huntress, was dead.
To be continued…