Waaaahhhh!! I can't believe I updated! I bet you guys can't either:P So, the so-longed chapter 9 is here, completely fresh and new. I hope from the bottom of my heart, liver and brain that you'll enjoy it because it's the last one, and I don't want to die right after I finished writing my only story. By the way, this one is the longest. Just to make it up for the previous one.
On additional notes, I thought you'd like to know that there's absolutely nothing in my profile, because I still don't know what language I'll write it in... Anyway, for those who'd like to know: I'm a 17 year-old girl, and I love chocolate. I don't think any other details are needed :P
With all that said, let's go on with chapter nine crossing fingers
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"He's awake!"
I run all the way down the stairs as I keep yelling at the nothing, at no one in particular. Just at everyone who's there and should know how I feel, someone to let out all my energy onto. I keep running on the reception trying to drain all the adrenaline, when I see the doctor that was attending you tranquilly talking to a nurse.
I feel as if he's being irresponsible, even though I know he's not, it's an eternal conflict between my feelings and my reasoning. I get in the middle of the two and keep yelling the same two words I've been saying all the way, at his face.
He looks at me strangely and confused, not understanding what this all is. He stares at me for a moment and seems to recognize my face; of course, I was here not long ago. Then, in the same micro-second, his eyes grow with surprise as he mutters other two words "No way".
"Yes!" I nod quickly, making him excuse himself with the nurse and go upstairs, probably to check it with his own eyes. I follow him, and no one can blame me, for he doesn't protest. We get to your room and as soon as he sees the door open, he realizes something.
"How did you enter here?"
"Does it matter? He's awake!" I try to make him reason. He apparently doesn't give much importance on how I entered, so he comes inside and again, there you are, just laying on your bed. Was it my imagination? I look down in deep sadness, deception and frustration. How could I let my imagination trick me? I bring my hands to my face and start crying again. The doctor is standing next to you checking on your signs or who knows, while I stay at the corner just crying like the idiot I am.
"He..." The doctor starts. I fear he may tell the worst now, so I wipe the tears away and pass from sadness to angst.
"He what?! He what?!" I could ask repeatedly all day long until he tells me, I really don't care.
"He... IS awake." He tells not quite believing his eyes.
I wasn't crazy. You were awake!
"Is he?" Now that may sound weird. I was the one to say so in the first place, and now I ask? I have switched to three different emotions in less than five minutes. That can't be good. But I feel so infinitely hyper now that I don't care. I'm still crying, but this time a different kind of tears. "Is he gonna be okay?"
"I don't know..." He says still looking at your face in a profound shock.
"How come you don't know?"
"It's just that... It's impossible... He couldn't have awakened so soon... I have no idea on what will happen now... Please leave the room."
"What?!"
"Please leave. I'm going to need some time to solve this."
"But..."
"Just do it. Please." He gives me a begging look, so I for the first time in my life obey someone and leave the room. Only because it's for the best.
When I get out I wonder what I'll do now. What is exactly gonna happen to you? I know you're not like any normal person, you can fully recover from things like this much faster. But I know there's something else behind it. You have the gift to decide when to travel between one world and the other, you can even be in both at the same time. I wonder where exactly have you been, how is it like, and what were you doing. Even I ignore it. I have no idea on how that place you were at is like.
Now all I can do is wait. If I'm gonna wait, at least I'm going to sit. I slowly walk down the stairs and sit on the reception. It's official. I'm a regular here. Now I'm like another element of the hospital.
I close my eyes and try to visualize the near future. What will happen when you're fully awake? I shall stick to my promise. I can't let the never-ending cycle repeat itself over and over. I won't let another horrible thing happen to you just to make me realize the things I have to do. I made up my mind already, I have a determination, and I'll accomplish what I said I would...
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"Miss?... Miss?" I hear a voice telling me, but everything's dark and confusing. I open my eyes. When did I fall asleep? Where am I?
Now I'm fully awake. I fell asleep at the reception, waiting for the results; and the doctor himself came to wake me up.
"Hmh? What happened?" I ask as a response to his efforts.
"I just came to tell you it'd be better if you just returned home and came back tomorrow..."
"What? No way! Is he still awake?"
"Yes, he is... But we better keep him under observation just to make sure. You can come back tomorrow and we'll let you know the results."
"But, why? He came to, that's all you need to know..."
"Exactly. It's a very rare case, since we didn't expect him to even wake up."
"So you're just going to 'observe' him like he's some kind of rare phenomenon?"
"No, that's not it! We're just-" I'm so mad right now. I can't let them do this to you. I can't believe they treat you like an object.
"How can you do such thing?! Treating your patients like they're aliens being studied?!" I notice I'm calling everyone's attention, and it doesn't matter. They're probably already used to it. I'm the crazy screaming girl of the hospital. It's no surprise. "I thought you would do something for him! If I knew that you were going to give him this treatment I... I-!"
"Shut up!" My sentence is interrupted, though I can't even recall anymore what I was about to say. I believe it's the first time in my life someone has told me to shut up that way. I'm completely shocked, since I don't know how to react to that. "You need to calm down, okay? We're just gonna keep him here to make sure he's ready to leave. If he's still alright tomorrow, we'll let him go, even though it's not a very common case. Alright?"
I don't know what to say. I didn't even blink. I feel like a little girl being grounded. I can't defend myself, I have no excuse. I overreacted, it's true. And this was my entire fault in the very beginning, so I must stop blaming people around and focus on my own mistakes. My many, many mistakes.
"I understand..." I say nodding.
"Good." The doctor says with a serious expression before leaving the spot he was at.
I just stay there at the same place, feeling everyone's stares on me. They won't let you go right now, that's for sure. They may release you tomorrow, if even... So there's no point in staying here. Yet I don't want to leave. I wanna be around you, even if you're not really here. I sigh before I take a look outside. Through the glass doors it's easy to see what's going on out there. It's still raining like it did when I arrived. Like it did just last night. I get up, put on my raincoat comfortably and slowly walk outside.
Who'd have thought it'd be like this?
I slowly make my walk home. I should be happy at the fact that you're awake, but I'm not. You being awake is not enough. Something's missing. Still. Why hasn't the pain disappeared just yet? Why does it still hurt when I think of you?
Because you're not with me. That's why. You're awake, but you're not by my side. You're alright, but you're there, and I'm here... What's wrong with me? I should be happy. I bet you are. If you woke up it's because that's what you wanted. You wanted to live. And now you're alive, so I bet you're happy now. Then why the hell do I have to be all sad and moody? Why can't I be pleased by your happiness? Why am I so selfish?
I wonder if this doubtful feeling will ever stop. I keep walking as slowly as ever, still watching people running and hiding from two stupid drops. I sigh... This is how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to wake up, I was supposed to get out of the way, and you would live happily ever after with your friends and family.
A perfect ending, right? If this is what was supposed to happen, then why am I crying? Why can't I be glad that everything turned out fine in the end, that everything turned out just like I wanted it? Not knowing exactly how or when, I arrive home. I must stop calling it home soon. I must leave you alone, no matter how hard it is. It will be for your own happiness and I must stop worrying so much about mine.
"I'm home." I say not quite excited, just for the sake of saying it. I expect an extremely worried 'Anna-san, where have you been? I was so worried' as a response, but I hear nothing. And I see nothing. I turn on the lights and see the poor tired girl sleeping on the couch. I look at the clock. It's barely 7 o' clock. Who sleeps at that time? Well, I guess Tamao does. Her and only her.
I decide I won't wake her up, to avoid a long hour of apologizing and embarrassment. I go straight to my room to do the exact same thing I did last night. Lie on the floor and cry. Just that this time, tears don't flow. I smirk at myself. I knew I'd eventually run out of tears. I stay there looking at the ceiling, using the sound of raindrops and thunder as a lullaby.
No. I can't fall asleep right here. I have a nice and soft futon where... What, who am I kidding? It sucks. My empty and lonely room sucks. There's nothing good or comfortable here. How could I stand it for the last years? Yet your room is so comfortable and warm... It feels like part of a home... God, I miss it already. But I will never put a foot on this house again. I'm leaving. I promised I would and I will.
If you're released tomorrow... I'll leave right away. I won't even say goodbye or explain anything. I have to do this. If I don't, I could regret it for the rest of my life. Although... sleeping in your room one last night won't do any harm... You won't even need to find out.
I get up, open the door and walk straight to your room, entering it and already feeling the nice atmosphere it brings. I throw myself on your futon and intend to feel the warm feeling I love so much... but it's not the same. It's not the same without you here, but it's warm enough, I guess.
I look at the ceiling, it's not quite interesting but there's nothing to look at. Just your mess, your stuff. I'm even going to miss that. Who'd have thought it'd be me who would leave, if all odds were against you? I close my eyes. I'm not trying to sleep. It's way too early. I'm not even sleepy... I already took a "nap" at the hospital. What am I supposed to do then? The usual: feeling pity for myself and regretting things.
I need to think positive... I tell myself as I try to visualize the future, the near future, where you are probably gonna be as happy as ever. I bet you won't miss me that much... Maybe just at the beginning, but it will decrease little by little. You'll get used to it. Maybe I will, too... Yeah, right... I'll live forever knowing that I'll never have you with me again, but I'll know it's a decision I made and I'll know it's for your own good.
It'll be worth it...
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Is it morning already? I open my eyes and see the bright rays of sun reflected on the walls. Yeah, it's definitely morning already. When the hell did I fall asleep? It doesn't matter... I spent most of the night thinking and feeling so sorry for myself that I probably cried myself to sleep. I sit and look around, I'm still in your room. So, at least that part wasn't a dream. I wish these last two days were dreams... or nightmares I should say.
I rub my eyes and stretch myself, getting up and heading straight to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, I take a shower and then I'm ready to start the day. I bet breakfast is ready by now. It'll be though getting used to not having someone else do things for me. It'll be weird having to do all by myself... But, it will pass. I put on my everyday clothes and go downstairs, expecting my coffee and breakfast.
"Good morning" I call out to Tamao, wherever she is. Then I immediately hear plates breaking. Did she get scared because I said good morning? God, she's got a lot to learn. I hope she didn't break many plates or she's dead. I go to the kitchen where I find her picking up the pieces of what's left of the plates. I stand in the entrance of the kitchen just watching her, expecting some information. When she finishes picking them up, she turns around to see me, and then she screams and lets them fall again, breaking in even smaller pieces.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I yell at her, she had never been so stupid before. I understand she lives constantly nervous, but for God's sake, this is too much.
"I-I'm so sorry!" She apologizes picking the microscopic pieces of what's left of the plates, all nervous and scared as usual.
"Leave that already! There's no use picking them up, just sweep this whole mess!" I demand, watching her blush in embarrassment and cry a little, as she starts searching for the sweeper.
"How many?"
"Huh?" She asks totally confused, stopping for a moment.
"How many plates did you break?"
"Umm... I'm so so sorry!! I didn't intend-"
"How many?!" I yell making her cover her ears and hold onto her sweeper.
"Two..." She answers shyly with her head down and her eyes closed. "I'm so sorry! I promise you I'll pay for them, I'll pay double, it's just that I didn't know you had arrived already, and you..." It's true. She didn't know when I arrived. She was asleep by then, and in the morning she probably just got up and started doing her chores, not caring to search for me at all. For the respect she deserves to the rooms upstairs, mostly.
"I scared you, didn't I?" I finish her sentence and she nods. Poor girl. She truly didn't deserve it this time.
"Yes, but it was my fault! I'll pay for them, I promise! I'm so sorry!" Now I remember why she deserves it. She apologizes WAY too much. It's annoying and it always drives me mad. You're sorry, we get it. It's enough.
"Stop apologizing already, it doesn't matter. I'm sure Yoh won't mind." I say in a normal voice tone for the first time of the day. I can see the confused expression on her face. Is she surprised because I didn't make her pay with blood or because she also thought you were going to die?
'Also'...
When did I lose my faith that way?
"What? Where's my coffee anyway?" I ask trying to make her stop staring in shock. I'm not very much into this suspended moments.
"Oh! Here it is!" She says dropping the sweeper and going to the coffee machine and a cup, serving my morning coffee.
"Thanks." I say taking it from her hands and walking with it to the living room. "And don't forget to clean that mess".
"Don't worry!"
I sit on the living room and start drinking my coffee, like nothing happened. I shouldn't care about the broken plates since I won't even live here anymore. Now thinking about it, when I leave it will be only you and her. And the spirits, of course. But the point is, she's finally gonna be able to look at you without being afraid that I'll come out of nowhere with my killing stare.
Maybe her dream will finally come true... When I'm gone, nothing could stop it. And I won't even have the right to be jealous... In fact, I'm not... I'm very happy for the both of you... God, I'm talking like it already happened. Well, it'll only be a matter of time for you two to get together. I sigh as I take another sip. I'm happy. I really am...
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"So... Are you going to visit Yoh?" I ask her while we're eating breakfast, breaking the past 10 minutes of silence. She chokes as a response. It's the usual response when she hears your name. It's kind of fun to do it on purpose... Well, it'd be entertaining for someone else.
"Visit...?" She answers as she recovers and drinks some water.
"Yes... You know, he's awake, so I don't think it will be trouble to have some guests." It's like passing the torch to someone else. When I'm not here to check on you, someone else will have to. And I'm sure she'll do it gladly.
"He's... awake?" She asks surprised. I assumed she could tell by what happened just a while ago, but I was wrong. She's too naïve.
"Yeah... He woke up just last night." I say tranquilly, pretending it didn't cause me the slightest of joys. Now that I'll leave, I have to pretend I care even less than before.
'Now that I'll leave...'
"I see..." She looks down, also trying to hide all emotion, though I can see the small joy tears forming and the screamings of excitement inside of her. Do I look like that when I'm emotional? I hope not, it's too overdramatic.
"Anyway... I'm going to the hospital in a while, so you can come if you want to."
"Really?" She asks excitedly, forgetting she was supposed to hide all emotion. Why does she insist on mimicking me? Since when am I a role model?
"Yes... Really... if you want to." I continue to eat just like nothing.
"Yes, I really want to!" She puts her hands together like a little girl. I hope with all my heart I DON'T look like that. It's unbearable.
"Ok... Now eat." Make it stop. Now.
We finish eating and she quickly goes to wash the dishes. She's sure that the sooner she finishes her chores, the sooner we'll go to see you. What, she's not Cinderella... I go to my room so I can do my own business. I have to prepare my things to leave as soon as I can. If you are released today, I'll have to go tomorrow the latest. So I better prepare what I can.
Just two days ago I could have never imagined that I'd be leaving now. I couldn't have imagined that I would finally realize that I'm the cause of my own problems and make up my mind so quickly. Who could tell? I feel a knot in my throat as I pick the only few things I possess. I have nothing at all. I don't even have a house. I'm going back with Kino-sensei to see if she can let me stay. I'm sure she'll understand. She can't force me to come back to you if all I do is ruining your life... or can she?
What the hell... If she doesn't let me stay, I'll find a way. I'll stay somewhere. I'm the greatest itako in the world. Nothing is supposed to stop me. Nothing. I sigh. I truly don't have anything. I pack a few things in an old suitcase and that's truly all I have. I finish packing sooner than I expected. I sit on my futon and watch my room. It's always been empty, actually. It doesn't make much difference. I close my eyes and let tears flow for the last time. It will be the last time I ever cry in this room. This pillow was the only counselor and friend I ever had. But I'll find a new one. A new pillow, I mean.
I leave my stuff here packed to come and get it anytime. If I have the time, I'll leave today. It's early. I can still get any train. Mmm... I can't believe I'm already thinking about trains and journeys, but it had to be sooner or later. And the sooner the better.
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As we make our slow way to the hospital, in silence of course, I realize she's been carrying a bag all along. What's she thinking, that we're going on a picnic or something? I guess this visit is making her more excited than you would expect a normal person to, but oh well, you know how she is...
"What are you carrying there?" I ask just for pure curiosity. Not that I care for making conversation with her.
"Huh?! Ah... Nothing!" She blushes like usual and holds her bag closer to her body. Well, it's her secret. Big deal.
"Okay..." I answer simply. I didn't mind in the first place. If she doesn't wanna tell me, I couldn't care less.
"I..." She tries to start speaking, as we keep on walking, and I try to ignore her stammering. "I saved some food for Yoh-san... So when he wakes up, he has something to eat... You don't mind... Do you?"
"I thought it was nothing." I tell her raising an eyebrow. Apparently, intimidating her is way easier than I used to think. And if she wants to bring you breakfast, good thing. You don't like the hospital food and... And yeah, she's your favourite cook.
"Mm... I... lied..." She sighs in embarrassment. I know what's coming now. "I'm so sorry!"
"Just shut up! You can bring him food every time you wish, you can even feed him like a baby if you want to! You can do whatever you want with him 'cause he's not mine anymore! He's yours now!"
As I finish my yelling I realize we're now in front of the hospital, so I enter and leave her paralyzed behind me.
I can't believe I just said all that. I guess I've been wishing to say it and couldn't find the right occasion, so I had to yell it when I got mad, like I always do. But, everything I yelled was true... Almost... I am mad at her for apologizing all the time, and I truly don't mind if she wants to bring you breakfast. But... If you and her were together... Argh. I can't think about that. It's... It's... You would look cute but... It would be wrong. You've always belonged to me, and imagining you with another woman is simply wrong, no matter how happy you would be.
How do you call an emotion
that makes you infinitely sad
because the one you love is happy?
Is it envy, jealousy
or maybe the void feeling
that you'll never fit in the happy ending?
I go over to the receptionist and repeat the whole process. This time it's a different receptionist, so it's like starting all over.
"He's been moved to room 106. He's been under observation so your visit must be short and just one person at the time."
"Ok." I start thinking about it for a moment. If visits are allowed now, it means that you're awake and relatively fine. What am I gonna do now? What am I supposed to say? What if you actually heard all the things I said last night and ask for an explanation? Well, you wouldn't really do that, but it'd still be awkward. "Tamao, you go first."
"M-Me?" She asks all surprised as always. I didn't even realize when she entered but whatever... It's the best solution by now. After she goes to see you, I'll know exactly how you are and what I can do next. It will give me time to think about every word I'll say.
"Yes, you. Now go and come back soon."
"But-But I can't!"
"Yes you can, this is what you really wanted. 106. Go. Now!" I push her towards the stairs and order her to go.
"What if-?"
"You'll be fine, just go before I change my mind!" Now she runs up the stairs to go to see you. I turn around and see a new addition of people staring at me. Yeah, now everyone knows crazy old me. I'm gonna be so popular between the ill...
I sit between two of those, as usual, and pick a magazine. A really, really old magazine, but oh well. At least I'm in the mood of reading, unlike yesterday. Well... not really... I'm actually just trying to escape from my fate. When Tamao finishes I'll be next. I mean, it's not obligatory but I came here for a reason and I'm supposed to do something. I was supposed to come to visit you but I don't dare. I don't know if I can stand going there again. What am I supposed to say to you? What if you're mad at me for causing you all of this? I mean, normally you wouldn't just be mad at me, but you must be so sad and disappointed. I can't ask her either, it's not normal. This was a bad idea. I don't know why I came...
Ok... I need to calm down. I'll be fine. I'll go, see you, ask you how you've been... How you've been? What kind of question is that? It's obvious how you've been... You were in a coma state, that's how you've been... Ok... I will ask something like... 'How are you feeling?'... Yeah, that's totally... cliché. But it will work, right? 'How are you feeling?' and then 'Ok, see you home' and problem solved.
What am I thinking? I won't see you home. I'm supposed to be leaving as soon as you're released so you don't have to spend another second next to me. I sigh. I need to get rid of all this tension. How long has she been there? The visit was supposed to be short. Oh, it's been a minute.
Good... Means I'm thinking faster. I've been flipping through the pages like a psycho, not really reading anything, just burying myself in my endless desperation.
You know, I'm not even gonna go there. Then what's the point of coming anyway? I didn't come here just so she could see you. Or did I? No, I had planned to come before inviting her. I'm here to see you, but what for? Why do I want to see you if I don't have a reason to? I close the magazine and throw it where it was with the rest and look at the clock again. Great, another minute. Isn't that too long? What can you two possibly be talking about during two whole minutes?!
But am I out of my mind? I'm leaving today. Leaving you for good. Forever. I'm not supposed to be jealous for you two, I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be glad that you'll be with the only person that could love you as much as I do, and who will even take care of you and protect you. Why? Why couldn't I ever be a little more like her, before all this happened? Why did I have to wait for this whole thing to happen to make me realize that the only way I could possibly make you happy was actually leaving you? Why couldn't it have been any other way?
I feel the increasing urge to... I don't know what. To slap myself, to turn back time and make it all different. I can't be here anymore. Not right now. Not here. Not like this. I quickly get up from my place and run outside the hospital, probably bringing even more stares over me. I'm crying out loud, like the little baby girl I've always been and tried to hide; and running as fast as I can to the place I still dare call home.
Why didn't I see it before? Why can't I just go back to the time when we met to avoid it from happening? Why do I have to love you and make you love me so bad? Why does it have to be so painful? Why can't I just disappear along with all memories of me? I arrive to En in the blink of an eye, and it's only when I stop that I realize how tired I am. I'm tired of running, both literally and symbolically.
I enter the house and go upstairs to pick up my suitcase, take my raincoat, my umbrella and some money, looking at the house for the last time. No. I can't go back now. I must leave now that I have the feeling before it disappears and I back down. I walk as fast as I can to the bus stop, where I'll take a bus to the train station, which will lead me home. My previous home and my new one. I won't say goodbye. It will just make it harder. I'll disappear and we'll never meet again.
And if you find out where I am, I doubt you will look for me. And if you ever do, I'll hide somewhere else.
Suicidal thoughts won't do...
since death doesn't necessarily mean the end.
After a couple of minutes, the bus of my destiny arrives. As I get on it, I feel something weird inside of me besides the pain. It's obviously not the joy of a new start, neither it's any kind of thrill. I've felt it before... It's... Fear.
'I'm not afraid of anything'
Yes you are, you idiot. You're afraid of yourself like you're afraid of him. You're afraid of him loving you, and you're afraid of him hating you. You're afraid of anything that involves both you and him. You're afraid of starting over, and you're afraid of continuing. You're afraid of the darkness, but you're also afraid to discover the light. You're an idiot and you don't know what you want, so just deal with it! It's over... It's over...
When I get to the train station, still keeping my goal in mind, I go to buy my ticket. Luckily I have enough money, though it's not really mine. But if Kino-sensei sent us this money while we were living together, I guess I have some kind of right over it. Then, I get a little not pleasant surprise.
"There are no trains for Aomori until 2 pm."
"But..." I look at the clock that's hanging on the station's wall. "It's barely 10 am!"
"I know... Sorry, but there's nothing we can do."
Great. Now I'll have four whole hours to do nothing except looking at people come and go. How exciting... I sit on a bench like the rest and just stay there, looking at others and complaining to myself. This is exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want to waste more time. I could be on that train right now heading to my hometown, but no... Instead, I'm stuck at the station with nothing to do except think and complain. I close my eyes and try to make the pain go away, but it doesn't. Why? What do I have to do to make it go? Well, they say time heals everything, so I'll just wait for that moment to come and erase the painful feelings.
'Why me?'
That question still remains unanswered. 'Because I love you' is not a proper answer. Not the one I'd be expecting. Then, what was I expecting? It doesn't matter anymore. I'm gone and that's all.
I won't return again, so I need to let it go. It's not like you chose me anyway. We both know that this wasn't something we asked for. It was just a coincidence of the destiny that you appeared when I needed you the most. It wasn't meant to be this way. This was just one of those arranged marriages and... and I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. This is all but meant to be. When two people just don't belong together you're not supposed to force them, but... I seriously must stop. It will be alright from now on, why can I just believe myself?
It's hard to believe how many things happened in just a couple of days, it's hard to tell how much I've changed in that short amount of time. My mind is so tired right now, I can't even think straight. But when I take that train and go back home, everything will be much clearer. Kino-sensei will understand. Of course. I must keep telling myself that and everything will be alright... Right?
I really need to rest. I need it so bad. I think that's the main reason why I unexplainably fell asleep and didn't wake up until hours later. My mind has been so puzzled and confused lately that I just need to take a break. This trip is more of a break than anything else. It's like some sort of escape. My life was much more simple back then, and I just wanna go to that previous stage. I close my eyes and try to just sense the wind and let my worries go away. Now I have the permission to...
----------
Once again, I drifted to dreamland without realising it... I quickly open my eyes when I notice I'm awake and look around. Did I miss the train? No, I would have heard it if it had arrived. There are still the same people, but also, something else. I wake up in time just to see... No way. I must be sleeping still.
I close my eyes again so I can eventually wake up. I'm not going to do anything in this dream until I wake up. I open them quickly to see if anything has changed, but it's still the same. I look at the clock. It's 12pm. There's no way I could have slept for two whole hours. Plus, why would you be here anyway??
"What on earth are you doing here??!!" I yell at you, getting up from my spot on a jump. If it's a dream, it's ok, nothing will happen. If it's not, it's ok, I'm entitled to ask!
"Oh, hi. I didn't see you there." You say so tranquilly sitting next to the place I was just at. What the...? "I am going to Aomori too."
"How do you even know I'm going there?!" Those words you said hit me like a stone. First of all, aren't you supposed to have just recovered? Second, where in the world is your luggage? And third, who told you I was going there? I never told anyone.
"Mmm... I thought you had said so... But I guess I was wrong." You answer smiling, as simple as that. When did I...?
"I will never let you sacrifice yourself for me again, and for that... I'm going to step out of the way. When your family finds out that this was my entire fault they will probably not want us together anyway... And it's alright like that. I think it's the best solution. I will return to my 'home' and... I will set you free..."
Oh... That's when. Stupid me.
"Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital or... home?" I ask you not yet knowing what kind of emotion this is. It's a strange cocktail of fright, shock, happiness and a little of 'what the hell'.
"Yeah... I'm kind of supposed to be home by now but... I have some things to do in Aomori". You answer tranquilly almost as you were telling the truth. What kind of plan is this? Are you stalking me?
"Really?" I ask and you nod. "Then where in the world is your luggage?"
"I don't need any. I still have a room to stay at my grandma's house." Now the feeling gets more complicated. It's full of awkwardness and rage. I'm not responsible for my following reactions to that.
Incredibly, nothing happens. I just give one heavy sigh and turn my head around, like I'm expecting the train to come out just like that. Yeah, just two more hours. I should do something productive with this time but there's nothing to distract myself. I don't even have a book, or a magazine, or... or... a cell phone like everyone else. I already slept, so that's not an option.
And I have slept a lot. Maybe I'm sick of something. Sleeping so much can't be normal. I have my arms and legs crossed as usual and I'm looking everywhere except at your direction. I'm mad at you. I'm terribly mad at you for making this so hard. It was easy. I'd leave and you'd stay. I'd get a life and you'd get yours. Now we're sharing a train. Great. Or maybe that won't even happen. Maybe you just wanna make me believe that so we can sit and talk, and I can yell at you and you can grin foolishly and we can go back to our lives. Well, that's not gonna happen.
"So you're REALLY going?" I finally break the silence and decide to look at you.
"Sure." You smile and show me your ticket. Tsk, I don't need this. So you actually wasted your money on a ticket you'll never use. Or will you? No, you can't go. That's insane! I don't want you to follow me. It will just make things harder than they already are.
"Really?" I ask again, this time more serious.
"Yeah..."
"Then I'm not going!!" I yell finally before I get up and start walking in the opposite direction. Once again, I make everyone stare, not exactly for very good reasons.
"So you were just running away from me?" You ask me from your spot in a calmed, natural voice. I freeze instantly. I'm too easy to see through. You're not stupid, you know exactly what I've been doing lately. Running away from you. What am I supposed to say now?
"Yes." I answer ever so honestly, and with that said, I dramatically run away like in those stupid movies. Just that this time I really really don't want you to find me. I want to run away, as far as I possibly can, and never appear again. Ever. I don't want to see you again, not because I hate you, but because it would hurt both of us so much.
Hey, that sounds a lot like the reverse version of Ringo's song... Now I know why I've always liked it so much...
I'm tired of running. I stop in the middle of nowhere and catch my breath again. I start walking slowly to clear my mind and think about some solution. I wonder how you're doing right now...
God, I did it again. I left you alone again. I... I had promised I never would but then I took it back and promised that I'd leave you for good... What do I really want? What am I supposed to do with you?
Let you go...
That's what I'm supposed to do.
I have to let go. I have to... I have to leave you and pretend you never knew me. But I can't do that. You don't know what I'm planning, so you'll just keep following me like a dog. Because that's what you learned. That's what I made you learn: You belong to me. But not anymore, Yoh. Maybe the best will be to talk to you and tell you why I'm doing this.
When I start to recognize some of the road I start running, wishing it's the one I think it is. It is, the road back to the station. When I come back to it, you're still there, sitting in the same spot. Great. Now what? Should I run again? No. Never again. Just... Just do it.
"You're still here." I point the obvious while looking at you and then the clock. 12:15. Damn it the stupid train will never come. I sit next to you with my arms crossed and try to ignore you, also ignoring my idea of talking to you and telling you what's on my mind.
"Yeah... I... wasn't gonna run... you know... I can't..." You try to explain me. I'm not asking you why you didn't follow me. The whole idea of running away was too goddamn stupid. I didn't get anywhere and neither did you. It was simply stupid.
"And... You shouldn't travel either." I answer you as mad as usual. I should take advantage of the long, long time we have to wait here to tell you to back off, but I don't dare. I'm supposed to face anything without showing any fear, but... I am an afraid little girl after all. I hate the idea, but it's true.
"I know, but I really need to do this." You know, I'm actually starting to buy the whole story of you going to Aomori for a real reason. I can't fall for that, but you're insisting on it way too much. I... Really need to know what's gonna happen now, and I have to start somewhere.
"And this... emergency trip couldn't wait until you fully recovered?" I ask with the only intention of finding information. Valuable information I can use as an excuse to tell you why I'm leaving and this is over, though I don't know what exactly is over.
"You don't have to worry about that." You say smiling as always, making me just a little nervous. I hate it when you do that, it makes me feel so weak. "I'm fine."
"You just got out from the hospital, you could have died. You're not fine..." For some time, I actually thought I had lost you forever. And as crazy and mean as it seems, it would have been easier than this. But it's much better for you, I know how much you love this horrible world.
"I am. The doctors told me to rest but... I will rest at grandma's." Then I realize that we'll spend this whole two hours just talking about the same thing, so I have to go straight to topic. I look away so I won't have to face you, and take a deep breath before I start speaking.
"Yoh..."
"What?"
"I don't want you to follow me..."
"And I don't want you to run away from me."
I close my eyes when I hear you say that. I'm not turning back now. It's been too much. If we keep on going like this, this cycle is never going to end. It's got to end now. We have to go separate ways. But why... Why can't I simply tell you that?
"I'm not running away."
"You just said so a while ago." I hate it when you contradict me, especially when you're right. I hate being wrong, it makes things harder. Even harder.
"Ok. I am. I admit I am running away from you. Happy?" For a moment I turn to look at you and then I turn back again.
"Alright. And I admit I'm following you." Now I just turn to give you one of my killing stares, but you just smile childishly like we're playing something.
"Do you think it's a game?"
"Nope."
"I'm leaving and you're not coming with me, ok?!"
"No." Another killing stare, and another sweet smile. Ok, killing stares are not working today... What do I do now? Just... I just need to speak with the truth, right?
"What is wrong with you?! Why aren't you resting at home like you're supposed to?! Why do you have to follow me lately, when you never even cared about where or how I was before?!" I finally get a reaction different from the never ending smiling cycle. It's a surprised expression, the one that usually means you're finally getting my attention.
"Because..." You say after the surprise is gone and we're both calmed down. "I'm not afraid of you anymore."
Now I'm the one shocked. What was that supposed to mean? You're looking right into my eyes and I'm looking back, and there's no hint of awkwardness or fear in them.
"What..." I try to put my ideas together in a coherent sentence, so I really don't care what I sound like. "...does that have to do with anything?"
"A lot." The happy stupid smile is back and I'm getting mad again. I demand an explanation. Now.
"You see, before, I wanted to follow you, be around you, take care of you, but I couldn't. I was scared that you would just kill me for whatever reason. But now... That I know you would never end with my life I can do all of that without having to worry."
I know how my face looks now. Puzzled. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think. I don't even know how that is supposed to make me feel.
"I... I can still kill you." I say trying to recover my confidence and strength, like I was desperately trying to make you fear me again.
"I know you can... But you wouldn't."
I feel so powerless now. I didn't know words could actually mean so much. All I needed was to hear those to feel like I'm unarmored and defenceless. The most incredible part is that I don't feel hurt. I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's soothing, it's weird, it's unexplainably calming. It's like all my years of efforts were thrown away and it doesn't matter.
And now that you're not afraid of me... Does it matter? What has changed? Well, I got my questions answered that's for sure. So... what do I want now?
"I'm still leaving." Even though I can't freak you out anymore, that won't erase the painful memories I've caused you. So you won't have to see me ever again. Your life will be much happier without me in it.
"Me too..."
"But, you really don't have to!" This is so exasperating. How can I make you just stop and let me leave? What do I have to do?!
"Neither do you."
"I do! I need to get away from all of this and leave you alone so you can have the life you always wanted! Why don't you understand?!" I can't believe what I just said. The words just came out so easily, flowing like water. It took me all this time of pain, suffering and doubts to end up with this small conversation about nothing, which led us to this point. I don't get it.
"I can't let that happen."
"You can and you will. You have to stop it right now. It's been too much!" I'm just too tired of hiding it, of fighting against these mixed up feelings. I have to let go, as soon as possible.
"Why?" You're behaving like a stubborn child. And you know the only reason why I won't beat you up is because you were about to die just yesterday.
"Because it's not good! Because it's been hurting you so much! Because you're suffering! Because it's my fault you were in such a bad condition! Because I'm the one who has caused you most part of your life's pain!" I scream out loud, once again bringing all eyes on me. I don't care anymore who's watching. Nothing will matter anymore. Nothing.
Yet, you're not even a little surprised or, why not, frightened now. You just look down before saying the next words.
"Yeah, but... If you go, then who's gonna tell me what to do?"
"No one! That's the point! You will do whatever you want..." God, why do you have to be so weird?
"And how will I know it's good for me?"
"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not your mother!"
"I know." Again, a silly smile and a sweet voice tone. Is that your plan to stop me? "But you've always known how to take care of me, at your own way."
"By beating you up? By putting you through an inhuman training? By letting you do absolutely all the housework? That's how I've taken care of you?"
"At some level, yes."
"That doesn't make sense! I don't even know why I'm talking to you!" I turn around again and look at the empty space where the train must be in a couple of hours. I really don't want to hear you now, but now I'm 100 positive you will follow me all around the world.
"If..." You start talking again, ignoring the fact I'm not gonna answer. "If it wasn't you, I would be dead by now. If it wasn't for all of that hell, and inhuman treatment, I don't think I'd be strong or clever enough to face the world. I don't think anyone else would ever push me that hard, and if that someone else ever let me get away with mine, I'd certainly be dead, because my idea is never a good idea."
"So?" I say almost in a whisper, not quite sure if I want you to hear it or not.
"So... That's why I chose you, among all the people in the world."
"Is that all?"
"Nope. There's something else." As you say that and never finish the sentence, even though I told myself I wasn't talking to you, I see myself forced to ask.
"What is it?"
"If you want to know, you'll have to stay." I should have guessed. Another stupid kids' game. I am NOT falling for that one. I already got the answer to my question. I know, I always knew the only reason why we were together was because you needed me to make you stronger and all that... It's not because... of anything else. You would never have feelings for me, and yet I would always love you and keep it for myself.
"I don't think it's necessary for me to stay. After all, you're not afraid of me anymore, so I don't think you'll obey me and thus this won't work already."
"I think you're wrong..." Me, wrong? Now what? What is your plan anyway? I still don't get it.
"Am I?" I ask not really interested in the answer, for I know it will be absurd.
"Yep, fear is not the only thing that makes you obey someone." Yeah... So what? That has nothing to do with us... Does it?
"Yeah I know... But if you follow me you're still gonna regret it, not because I'll kill you, but because nothing good will come out of it."
"I'm almost sure something good will come out of it. I always get something good out of my journeys." Even though I'm not looking at you right now, I'm sure you're smiling like the idiot you are. I can sense you're looking at me pretending that I will turn around and say you're right.
"Whatever. Even if you follow me, you'll never see me again."
"Why do you say that?"
"Just because." I have the right to have a secret, right? God, I'm so coward I can't even tell you why I don't wanna see you again.
"Okay... We will eventually have to meet when the time comes..." 'When the time comes'... What time? Why can't you just say things clearly?
"No, the time won't come." I say trying to sound convincing. "We will never have to meet again, because I will ask for the engagement to be broken, so there's no point in me staying around you if you won't be my husband."
Yeah, that was convincing. And firm. I'm improving.
"You will ask for the engagement to be broken?" You ask me sort of surprised, so I see it had the effect I was expecting.
"Yes, I have a list of reasons on why they should listen to me." Well, that's not true, but it's certainly convincing. Maybe that will scare you away.
"So... You're going to Aomori to ask for that?"
"Yes."
"I thought you were going to stay there."
"Maybe I will, maybe I'll go somewhere else." Yeah, that could be enough to make you go away.
"But..." Now that I feel confident enough, I turn to see you and make my also confident question.
"But what?"
"We're not engaged anymore."
"What?" I ask tranquilly trying to get a coherent explanation.
"Ever since the SF was postponed, we're not engaged. My family said that since they didn't know how much I would live on till it would come around, it was better if I just picked my own destiny."
What do I say now? What do I think now? I'm blank... I'm... I'm...
"WHAT?!" I yell in the frustration of my ignorance. "Why did you never tell me?!"
If it wasn't because you just came out of the hospital, I would beat you up for sure.
"Mmm... I guess because I didn't want this to happen." You know what, I don't care. I yell one more time and just give you one slap with my right, lost in my cocktail of surprise, shame, and desperation.
"And how long were you going to wait to tell me?!" I can feel all my veins popping up at the same time and I know how red my face must be. For several reasons.
"I... I wasn't really going to tell you."
"Were you gonna keep me around against my will for no reason? Why would you do such thing?!"
"I thought it wasn't necessary." You say tranquilly, contradictory considering the mark on your cheek I left as a souvenir.
"It wasn't necessary?! Sure, why wouldn't you tell me?!"
"Because... Because..." And you still say you're not afraid of me anymore, and you're always acting all nervous when I'm around.
"Because what?!" I yell one last time, practically leaving you deaf.
"Because I knew we were going to be together anyway, because I would still choose you over anyone else, because I would ask you to marry me one day anyway!" You say all quickly, blushing and looking down all the while. Good thing you're not looking at me right now, for I must be blushing as much as well. Too bad we have a crowd. We always do.
Now again, I don't know how I am supposed to react to that. I'm not even trying to set a barrier. I truly don't know how to react. Especially that whole last part. What did it mean to you and what should it mean to me?
"You... still had to tell me... It would have been different if I knew..." I say trying to sound as confident and sure of my words as possible.
"Really?"
"Yes, I... I would have left long ago before all this happened..." Thinking about it, I'm not sure of what I would have done if I had known before. I have no idea.
"Then, good thing you didn't know." You say in a happy tone, and I immediately turn to see you for no particular reason. I am aware that there are some hints of crying in my face but I really don't care anymore. Everything stopped making sense a while ago. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry." I say as, well, sorry, as ever. In this very same moment where nothing makes sense, is when things are getting clearer. It's like a weight has been lifted.
"What for?"
"For everything. For causing you so much pain during your whole life, for always treating you so bad, for leaving you alone when you have needed me, and for-"
"I know." How can you just not do anything else except smiling to me? How can you have no other reaction? "You already said so."
"No, I haven't. This is the first time I ever apologize in my life." I highly dislike being contradicted, especially when I'm right.
"You have. Last night, when I was sleeping. You said all that." Last night when... Do you mean when...? So that means you heard everything I said, and also… I can feel my cheeks turn even redder, but now I know there's no point turning around.
"But you don't need to apologize. It's ok."
"No, it's not ok, that's the point! It's not ok at all!" You don't have to be so sweet all the time…
"It's fine. It wouldn't be the same if you weren't you."
"What does that mean?" Did I just say that out loud? Well, it was time.
"That if you just changed the way you are, I would miss you a lot. That's the same reason why I don't want you to go." Now you're the one who's looking somewhere else. I guess this feeling is equally horrible for both of us. But, who cares, you just said… You would miss me?
"You... Really love suffering, don't you?" I try to guess or explain myself why you still want me to be around, despite all the over mentioned pain.
"No." You laugh a little and then manage to say. "I... Really love you."
Ignoring the most recent declaration, and also my own reactions, I answer. "It's the same."
"No, you see... When I was still afraid of you, I thought the only reason why I would do anything you wanted was just because of the fear of being killed." I find myself listening atently to your talking, even though I have already said that I won't listen to you. "But, after that feeling was gone, I realized that the only reason why I would do anything to make you happy was just because I love you, and-"
"And that has been your answer for everything since then." I cut you off, finally believing it and letting it sink in.
"Yeah, exactly." You say smiling again and I look down. What do I do now? I feel like... Maybe I should just do whatever I want, but I don't know what that is, so I just stay here. Now... I guess everything has been cleared, so I have no doubts. So what do I do now? I lived from my doubts. They were my excuse for not expressing my true feelings, and now that they're gone, what's my big excuse?
None.
This horrible and yet beautiful feeling
that love is,
is starting to purify,
and actually
I had never felt better in my whole life…
"So..." You continue. "...Where are we going?"
After thinking it for a simple moment, a simple moment that was deep enough to make me compress everything that has happened recently, accept it, believe it and embrace it, I finally let go of this immense guilt and regret and simply, draw a small smile on my lips and answer just one word.
"Home."
----------
I have been trying to assimilate what has happened in this last days, and after having a mix of so different emotions, it has finally been reduced to one: Happiness. I am finally, truly happy. For a long time I just held on to my doubts as a way to protect myself, not knowing that I was just hiding from my own wonderful feelings, but now I'm free, I'm clean and I'm happy. Just happy.
As we walk back home, I think about how much I've experienced and felt in these last days, and it was all worth it. I am finally sure about my feelings and yours, and all that is left is pure expectation. Then, when we are just about two blocks away, it starts raining yet again, but this time it doesn't matter. I know I can bear the rain, and will never get sick again, for I don't have to bear it alone.
"Yoh..."
"Yes?"
"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" I ask out of the blue, for no reason in particular, except the idea of feeling as comfortable as last time.
"Sure. You can sleep there every night if you want to."
"Well, not every night." I answer changing the tone.
"Why not?" You ask a little confused.
"I'm not ready for that yet." I answer walking ahead of you and leaving you with the hint.
Not until I get a ring on my finger...
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The End, finally XD
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Yay!!! I finished!! God! I thought this day would never come. I had the biggest writers' block ever! o.O I really like the way it turned out at the end when I got out of my block, thanks to the Real Rain!! It hadn't rained in my city since chapter 1, imagine that! o.O How can I write "Rain Walk" without rain? I don't know, rain is so inspiring...
Anyway! I'll be biting my nails waiting for final reviews. If there is anything you'd like to ask or comment you can always (besides leaving reviews, of course) PM me and say what's on your mind. And I mean seriously do it! Don't just stay hanging when you can ask me anything that wasn't quite clear in the story. n.n
I want to thank all of you guys for reading, if it wasn't for you I would have stopped right there at chapter 1. Thanks for reading, reviewing, supporting and everything else... I'm so emotional T.T
Hope to see you around some new story, take good care, bye!