Episode Three: Mary Crepe Suzette Part One

The doorbell rang.

He was brave.

He was bold.

He was Lord Il Palazzo, would be conquer of F City.

He couldn't open the door.

"Excel!"

No response.

"Excel!"

Nothing.

Il Palazzo weighed his options and pulled the ever present pit cord.

ooo

"And then Il Palazzo said 'Have a day off. Have a whole bunch of day offs'," Excel said stuffing her mouth full of the only thing she could find, the bathroom soaps from her last workplace. "My Lord Il Palazzo is the man," she said around a mouthful of bubbles. In fact, he's the man's man. He's the man the man's man wished he could so be."

"Oh Senior Excel," Hyatt chirped as she slowly and methodically chewed through a stack of loose leaf folders, "Maybe you were fired."

Excel paused to think, soap bubbles dripping out of her mouth and nose.

ooo

Now booting Excelsoft Bimbos ME.

Required Memory... None.

Common decency... Not found.

Moral Code... Virus Detected.

ooo

Hyatt wondered if poking Excel with a stick was worth the trouble of gushing blood out of every orifice like a stereotypical Ebola victim. "Senior Excel?" she said again "Have you considered the possibility that..." Hyatt lost that train of thought as a well-timed aneurysm went off in her brain.

In Hyatt's head, her train of thought jumped the tracks and slammed into the bridge of her subconscious. Excel drooled and Hyatt twitched every now and then as her neurons and morons and every kind of science related nonsense you could think of died.

A moment later with all the timing of a plot device, the pit door opened beneath Excel and the twitching Hyatt sending them into the murky waters of pit space.

"Ahahahaha," Excel laughed, coming to what little senses she had. "Lord Il Palazzo would never fire yours truly."

ooo

"Well did he?" Nabeshin asked Jenny Sue.

Jenny Sue paused in picking the bits of flesh off from around the staples in her feet. "ZOMG," she squealed, "He soooo would. OMG, that Excel bee-atch doesn't have what I have."

Nabeshin didn't regret asking, although he would a few seconds later. "What do you have?"

The Sueauthor ripped open her blouse. "Triple Z sized boobies."

The universe paused and did a double take as somehow all laws of time and space ceased to function. Jenny Sue smirked and rebuttoned her shirt with a "I told you so" expression on her vapid face.

ooo

Review from Anal Excel Fan

I once respected you. Now you're going for cheap body jokes like Garden of Eva.

ooo

Reply from Author

Garden of Eva had "mighty oak" jokes. Excel Saga RIP has "boobie cracks". Please do not confuse the two as this will cause you great pain in the nether region. LOL, cuz that's where your brain is at.

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Reply from Anal Excel Fan

But that's my point. Excel Saga RIP is just Garden of Eva with more breasts and less penis. Why does anyone think that's funny?

ooo

"Good lord," Nabeshin said, picking up his jaw from the floor and crunching it back into place. "How do you find shirts that fit?"

If Jenny Sue could actually use her facial muscles, her face would have shifted to innocent. She couldn't and used the same vapid expression she had before. "Talent."

Nabeshin whipped out the staple gun once more. The Suethor's face looked more bovine than usual. "Staple time."

"Moo?"

ooo

Excel washed out of the pit door in a slurry of pit sludge. "Hail Il Palazzo-sama."

"Ahh, Excel and Hyatt," the master of screwing things up and blaming them on his only two employees said "Do you like the new and improved pit system?"

Hyatt drooled.

Excel paused a moment, looking down at the pit ominously shining at her like an idle plot device, twin rivers of sludge creeping out of her nostrils. "Pit system?"

"Indeed," Il Palazzo said, "My genius awoke me one night to tell me that I must have a more elaborate pit system in order to drop that no good excuse for a slattern into it whenever I needed." Excel looked like she wanted to jump Il Palazzo's bones while at the same time looking disappointed. She was talented.

The doorbell rang again, just as Hyatt sputtered back to life, neatly sponging the raw sewage off her with a single napkin. She was talented, Il Palazzo reflected, shifting to hide his growing interest. Very gifted, Excel also noted to herself, covering up an improbable erection and wondering when this had become a fetish anime. It was cold and Hyatt still couldn't buy a bra. Enough said.

The doorbell rang.

"Have they really been there that long?" Il Palazzo wondered aloud before rising dramatically to his feet. "Excel, Hyatt..."

"Hail Lord-" they started before Il Palazzo interrupted them.

"Open the door, my servants," he commanded them.

Excel beamed. "Oh, is Excel really back from her long vacation? By the way, when is the main plot line with the Begonia Bridesmaid and the PTA arc going to start? Oh, right, the door. Leave it to Excel, she'll open it lickety-split"

The door creaked open with the sound of someone farting...

ooo

Oh, come on, that's silly. Right sound effect.

ooo

Killjoy.

ooo

...ancient hinges creaking. "Oh," said Il Palazzo dropping all pretense of being lordly and getting his lordly behind off his lordly throne. He knew it was lordly since it came from Lord Mart. "My package just arrived."

Excel found herself embedded into the wall with the force of the door opening and all of her teeth driven back into her skull. Blood dripped down into her lungs. As Il Palazzo ooed and ahhed over his new package, Excel vomited, pissed herself, drowned in her own blood, puke, and spit.

She promptly died four hour later and Il Palazzo was still trying to translate the English instructions for his new toy. Too bad that the only speaker who could mildly speak English was dead...

...was obviously not dead, but dragging Hyatt over so all of the elite (snerk) agents of ACROSS (seriously how can I narrate with a straight face) could inspect it (gaze dumbly at it is more like it). The box was about the size of a breadbox, but much more larger which made the previous statement make no sense (this sentence is improbable).

Note from GTW: Disregard the parenthesizes. The person responsible for these will be beaten severely. Unless she likes it then she won't be beaten. Worship the 'fro.

Excel helpfully found the label and read off "Mary Crepe Suzette: The Incredible Edible Minion on a Budget". A smile crossed her face. "Oooh, extra feeding supplies."

Somewhere, Menchi sighed a breath of relief. Still there was no need to put away the bazooka, the hand grenades (how paws could operate hand grenades is really not important), and an elaborate gizmo that would slice Excel's head off so Menchi could feast on that vapid blonde's brains. That would show the bitch who was boss before the next reset.

Elsewhere in the headquarters of ACROSS, Excel pulled out the instructions that were written in English. For full humor effect, random English sentences were used in place of their "Japanese" counterparts being this fic is being written in English so uh, pretend this is in Japanese... um... kawaii no desu sugai... don't make me say stuff like that. Because... one it's lame and two I had no clue what I just said.

"(Rub marinade into lamb and shake it like a Polaroid Picture)," Excel read from the box, "Which means 'This side up'."

She carefully opened the size of a breadbox, but much more larger than a breadbox box to get hit in the face by the directions that had plagued Il Palazzo so much in the reset. As well as in the arm, legs, and belly. Blood squirted out of her like a ketchup packet. Excel tried everything she could to stop bleeding to death from Band-Aids to duct tape and failed. As the last ounce of strength left her body, she thought she saw Il Palazzo goosing the overly nubile contents of the box. "That's not in-character," she thought before she died and also, "I want to goose them too."

The episode carefully reset itself.

"(Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up.) That means turn that bad boy on!" Excel concluded with the directions as Il Palazzo popped the double A batteries into the remote control.

"See," Excel called, "This is where the narration starts ignoring us."

The nubile contents of the box sprang to life. The creamy creation lay quivering like a flan waiting to be programmed. Il Palazzo pondered his choices of what cup size to make his very own Mary Crepe Suzette.

"(Spinning kicks make poor dance partners.)" Mary said, rubbing her still hairless head again Il Palazzo's groin as she had been programmed to do.

"What did you say?"

"(Watermelons are my number of hobbies.)"

"I can't understand you." Il Palazzo said and switched the controls to Japanese.

"Please pick guidelines. These can be chosen with a few clicks of the remote."

Il Palazzo looked at the controls. He had the choice of improbable to pinpricks for breast size. Smiling, he made the obvious choice of Hyatt's breasts with a creamy tone. He picked a caramel tone to her skin which made her cream colored breasts stand out like cream colored islands. "Now choose the hair color..."

He soon discovered he had a choice of black as licorice, yellow as butterscotch, red as cherry, dark are rum, and his personal favorite blue as cotton candy. He decided on all off them which ordinarily would look like a nightmare, but because she was a Mary Sue unit, they came out perfectly.

"So," he found himself saying, "What are your mission parameters?"

Mary Crepe Suzette's eyes flashed brown as chocolate and then green as mint. "My mission parameters are what... LORD IL PALAZZO ...has given me." Her eyes shifted over to as red as cinnamon even though cinnamon is technically brown, but cinnamon candy is red. With another shift, her hair shifted to a more eye-easy tangerine orange. "Please insert programming apparatus into slut A."

ooo

The fic abruptly shifted viewpoints to avoid an adults only rating. "You know," Hyatt quavered, dabbing at her constantly bleeding nose, "I thought that Lord Il Palazzo would be bigger."

Excel's jaw trembled with rage. She didn't know whether to kill Mary Crepe Suzette or make sweet sweet love to her as she ate her tasty corpse. Anyone that was described as having edible foods for body parts must be delicious. "You've had sex with a tentacle beast," she said, searching the fic for climb on points to spot where they had last been mentioned.

"Maybe the air is just cold," Hyatt murmured, spitting out several teeth. In the midst of the Sue's radiance, she was withering more than usual. Her chest had split open and the alien larva that she had been sheltering in there shivered as they chewed away at her internal organs.

"That's just bull," Excel muttered as she wondered what was the best letter to grab to make her way up the fic. All she needed was a good starting point. Any point.

Excel beamed. "That's it," she squealed and snagged the capital E at the beginning of this paragraph. Excel made her way up this fic, which when you think about it makes no sense, but in light of that, doesn't what she said earlier make sense.

"It does," Hyatt gurgled in response to the narration and the aliens inside her shivered with cold and fear of death. "Oh my," she murmured as blood trickled out of her nose, "Mary Crepe Suzette is so glorious. I think I should be-"

Hyatt died. The rest of the sentence was "Dying every few..."

"Words," Hyatt finished before dying again.

Thank you.

"No problem," Hyatt gurgled through a mouth of her own blood, which is silly since Hyatt's not a vampire. She might be, with all of that energy sucking.

What? Too far?

"Too far!" Il Palazzo shouted from off page at the same Excel scrambled over another line and cursed the fact that it took her so long to figure out she had been ignored.

""See," Excel called, from several paragraphs up, "This is where the narration starts ignoring us."

The fanfic shook and shuddered from back reference, fanfic looping, and blatant use of the copy paste button. From her high perch, Excel pissed herself. "Hey, stop the fic shaking."

She fell where she met up with the current trail of narration with a spine shattering crash. Excel's spine and skull neatly popped out of her mouth with a neat little pop for redundant sound effect. "Now I know this is a bad fanfic," Excel said to herself, "Lord Il Palazzo, save me!"

But Il Palazzo was enjoying the Mary Crepe Suzette's lovely marshallowy funbags.

"Looks like a two-parter, Ma'am," Hyatt murmured, coming around just as the chapter ended.

ooo

Mary Crepe Suzette Part One

Today's Experiment: In progress...