Empty, Like Myself

Disclaimer: I Don't Own Anything

A/N: New story, new drama and angst…

So, it's an AU… of course a MerDer… Meredith had just lost her six year old daughter, Katherine (she had Katie from a failed relationship, no father…). Katherine, or Katie, was run over by a drunken car driver…

Derek and Meredith had met a few weeks ago (before her daughter died) in the hospital and Derek had immediately felt something for Meredith.

The interns all now all residents…

This is just a small first chapter… to get started…

Chapter 1: Like A Bullet In My Heart

Slowly I stepped forward, the flower clutched in my hand palm. Tears were streaming down my cheek. I couldn't look so I closed my eyes. When I reached the coffin I couldn't hold myself anymore and I collapsed. The flower felt out of my hand, landing close to the end of the coffin. I wanted to get it but I had no power left. I began sobbing uncontrollably. For a while, I just lay there, all eyes on me. Until I felt two strong hands helping me up, I turned around and was looking into the sad face of, my friend, George. I wiped the tears from my face, which was useless because there just kept falling more.

George helped me to the back of the graveyard. We sat down on a bench. He held me in his arms, rocking me back and forwards. I couldn't stop crying and the only thing I could do was letting the tears fall…

I sat on the couch. Doing nothing, just looking into nowhere. I had a blanket wrapped around myself, though I still felt cold, I felt empty, I felt alone. Somebody shoved a cup of tea under my nose, I smelled it, but didn't look up.

"You should drink something" I heard Izzie's voice say.

I turned around and with my eyes, full of emotions, I looked in Izzie's eyes. Begging her to stop feeling sorry and just let me be miserable. But she would never leave me alone.

She sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me. Still I felt alone and once more all I could do was letting the tears fall…

The next morning I woke up next to Izzie. My pillow felt damp and I felt numb. Slowly I pulled myself out of bed. I walked to the mirror and looked at myself. My eyes were red and puffy.

Slowly I walked downstairs and poured myself a cup of coffee when I heard the doorbell ring. As a zombie I walked to the door and opened it slowly. On the other side stood a man, but not just a man, one of the best neurosurgeons of the country. He looked at me, sad expression on his face, he gave me his condolences and handed me some flowers. I didn't take them, I just looked at them. Suddenly my knees felt weak again and I let myself fall, he was there to catch me.

I broke down again, tears falling. He just held me in his arms, stroking my hair with his hands. I felt safe in his arms, the emptiness disappeared and I felt whole.

He picked me up and walked with me inside. I heard him call Izzie's name, he knew I had roommates…

Izzie came running down the stairs. I heard her gasp. And she walked to me. She called my name softly and guided Derek to the couch. He sat down with me on his lap. And I wouldn't let go of him, I didn't even know him that well, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. I wanted to stay comforted. I hold on his shirt with my hands, my nails digging in his skin. The tears stopped falling and I buried my head in his chest.

I felt Izzie sitting down next to me.

"Meredith, I think you need to let go of Dr Shepard." She said softly.

I shook my head.

"It's okay" he said.

I think we sat there like that for about an hour when I started to drift away. In no time I had fallen a sleep, still holding onto my colleague.

I woke up in my own bed this time, feeling something warm next to me. I looked up and saw Derek, a sleep. I looked at the clock on my bedside. 3 O Clock PM…

I pulled myself out of bed, quietly, careful not the wake Derek. I walked downstairs and saw Izzie sitting in the kitchen staring at a cup of coffee in front of her. She heard me walking down the stairs and turned around.

"Mere" She said just above a whisper.

"Hey" I answered softly. "Why is there a boy in my bed?" That would have been the longest sentence I had made in 4 days.

"You wouldn't let go of him, and then you fell a sleep, and still wouldn't let go of him."

"I don't even know him"

"Yeah you do, Derek Shepard, the new surgeon you have been glancing to for the past two weeks."

"Yeah well…"

"What is it Mere?"

"Somehow, I felt comforted with him, he made me feel whole again." I sat down next to my friend.

"I know, I could see it"

"You could?"

"Yes, it's karma Mere"

"Oh, I really don't want to do this know" I gasped. "It's too hard."

"I know honey, I know" She wrapped her arms around me. "I was just saying" She whispered.

"Thank you" I said, in between sobs.

"It's okay, it's okay"

Tears were streaming down my cheeks again.

"It will all be okay"

"Yes" I said. "It will"

TBC

So… What do you think? Review please! It's just a short first chapter… there will come longer ones…