I'm BAAACK! Oh man, I'm SO sorry for taking so long, but the school year got hectic. I'm a junior now, so I'm taking practice SATs and ACTs, studying for the REAL SATs (which I'm taking this Saturday, March 1. Wish me luck! and ACTs, looking for colleges, scholarships, grants, not to mention the crapload of homework that I get in every single class...whoo! Busybusybusy. But, Christmas break is here! Thank...goodness... By the way, I hope you guys had a great Christmas, Kwanza, Hannakah, or whatever it is that you yourself celebrate! And I also hope you had a great New Year :)
Ok, so after a long break (sorry again!) we're back in action:)
Also, I'd like to thank everyone wh reviewed! I truly appreciate it. I really do. You have no idea how much. : )
DISCLAIMER: I do not own. So leave me in my home, not in court. Or jail. As that song goes, "You know what they'd do to guys like me in prison..." (except I'm not a guy. lol)Yeah, ANYWAYS...
Veronica stared up at him, his words echoing in her ears. Not Tad...Taylor. She stared at his shoulder, trying to piece things together, even though he'd already done it. She just needed to let it sink in, to let her mind wrap around it. Her mind had to stretch slowly. Because if you try to stretch something too much, it'd break. And as smart as she was, she just couldn't get her head around this piece of information. She couldn't swallow it. She blinked, her eyes stinkng a little bit. She managed to keep the tears from falling until they finally disappeared.
It just didn't make sense! Tad was in England. Taylor said he moved here from Ohio. She paused. What else was there that didn't make sense? She couldn't think of anything. But it couldn't be true; he couldn't have seriously done this to her. She felt a pounding sensation in her stomach...is this punishment for what I did to Trixie? she thought hopelessly. Desperately, she tried to find any piece of information to prove that Taylor was lying. But there wasn't anything else. She thought back on everything that'd happened between since he'd come to Dimmsdale. Or rather, since he came back to Dimmsdale. She thought of how he'd listened to her problems and held her close to comfort him. Tad... How despite every false image of herself that she put up with Trixie, he'd seen past it, seen beyond the fake images to the girl crying out for help. Tad...Her stomach twisted into a knot, and she suddenly felt very warm.
She remembered how he'd comforted her in the bathroom, and tried to build her up as she tore herself down. And I felt worthless because of it, she'd said, I remember thinking, 'My best friend in the whole world doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I must be some kind of trash.' It was his response that should have set something off in her head:
"That's not true..."
A barely audible gasp escaped her parted lips and her stomach twisted, more violently this time. Her eyes burned, but her eyes remained dry.
She remembered how Taylor had come to her cheerleading practice to talk to Trixie. "So, why did you want to ask me to prom? I mean, you don't even know me." he'd said. With a chill, she remembered Trixie's response. It made so much sense now. I know you better than you think... Even that dumb bitch had been able to see it before she had. She was supposed to be his best friend. And she hadn't even recognized him standing right in front of her the entire time.
A small part of her broke. Why was everything that she held true suddenly breaking? It seemed like every time she finally found something tangible to hold onto, it broke, leaving her with nothing again. Her face felt hot, and she was confused. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to face this. She didn't even want to face it. Not all of it, anyway. It was too much...She couldn't do this. She wasn't sure if she hated him, or not. She didn't even know. She couldn't think straight. She could barely breath correctly. She would exhale, and once she finished, instead of inhaling again, she'd keep on exhaling, forcing that list bit of air out of her lungs, like a crying baby that could no longer make noise with their long drawn out sob, but kept pushing anyway, their cry now temporarily muted until they inhaled with a gasp and started all over again. However, she inhaled quietly. She refused to let him know that she was on the verge of losing her mind.
But doesn't he already know?...
This whole time, she noticed, Taylor was deathly quiet. She could feel that he'd tensed up quite a bit; waiting for her reaction. She looked up at Taylor...Tad...what was she supposed to call him now? A shot of anger ran through her, but she didn't know how to feel. How could she trust anything anymore? Including her feelings; she couldn't trust her emotions if she couldn't even trust herself anymore.
It was hell. It was torture. It hurt to even speak. But she managed to force it out of her mouth, and in a barely audible voice, she'd finally said something. "So you lied to me?" She tried to sound strong, but her voice was shaky. Her stomach wrenched horribly, and she had to force herself not to lean on him. It was then that she realized that she was trembling. She wasn't sure why.
Taylor tensed up even more at her question. After a moment, she felt him relax a bit, heard him sigh dejectedly. Finally, he spoke, his voice even quieter than hers. "Yes."
The rushing sound filled her ears again as she felt as if she'd been power-kicked in the stomach. Her face became dangerously hot, and her eyes began to burn. Finally, the tears began to quietly escape. She stared at his shoulder, not even blinking as the tears finally came.
So it was him. She'd lost a best friend and gained a new one, and it turned out they were both him all along. All this time, she'd thought he hated her. She thought he'd abandoned her. She'd thought he'd forgotten about her, occupied with his new life in London. And all that time, he'd been there with her. Literally. But what about the time period between those two moments? He'd never returned her calls, e-mails, never made any effort. She didn't know what to think. Her mouth filled with a sickly warmth. She thought about moments that she'd had with Tad, and moments that she'd had with Taylor.
And finally, she lifted the gaze of her wet eyes off of his shoulder. She let go of his hand, and took her other off his shoulder, roughly shoving him away. She felt his hand slide off of her waist, and the sudden loss of warmth left her feeling empty. But no more empty than she already felt. The rushing sound in her ears became a bit louder, and her stomach was tumbling around non-stop. She looked at him. His cheeks were flushed. His green eyes were darker, and he stared at her, his expression filled with guilt and sadness. When he saw that she was crying, his expression changed to one of hurt, and his arms started to move, before he let his hand gently hold onto his other wrist. She blinked again, and more tears silently fell. The rushing in her ears became loud, and her twisting stomach was becoming unbearable. She felt as if she'd just walked into a furnace, she was so hot. Without a second thought, she turned and made her way thgough the crowd of slow dancing couples. When she finally escaped the crowd, she allowed her self to break into a run as she made her way to the bathroom.
Taylor felt sick. He wanted to die. Veronica didn't say anything. She just stared at his shoulder, silent. He could feel her trembling un his hands. He shut his eyes. Why did he even bother coming back to Dimmsdale? He wished he hadn't. He could've avoided this. He had changed over the years. What made him think that he could just waltz back into his old life as a new person and everything would be normal? How dare he! He should've known that things would be different. He'd grown up. And, as he'd found out, so had everyone else. Some more than others. He'd missed everyone. But he was starting to think that he'd have been better off missing them. Now he was about to lose his closest and dearest friend. All because he had to come back. All because he had to lie.
When he heard her speak those searing words, he wanted to wither.
"So you lied to me?"
His stomach tightened. No! he wanted to yell, I just wanted to be meBut he couldn't say that. Because even though it was true, Veronica was right. He'd lied. A sudden pain filled his chest, and he felt like he couldn't breath. With reluctant determinatin, he forced the word to come. "Yes."
She looked at him, full of helplessness, pain, and sorrow. And then she'd walked away. And he died on the inside because he knew that his best friend, his truest friend, all of his memories since childhood, were gone forever.
She burst into a stall, and collapsed onto the sparkling clean floor. Dizzyness overcame her. She kneeled over the toilet, knowing what was coming next. Whenever she was overly worried or overly stressed, her mother would say, "It's ok, Ronnie. Calm down before you make yourself sick." She'd never believed her until it actually happened. It had felt terrible. And she'd only been worrying about the one word she hadn't memorized for her part in the play. Time after time, she'd worry herself to the point of sickness. And she'd learned something. The more she worried, the sicker she'd be, and the worse it would feel when it happened. The worry that she had right now? It was a doozy. But nothing happened. She waited and waited. And nothing happened. Every time she tried to stand, her stomach would twist, as if it had a mind of it's own, and was pacing around like a lion, making a false jump for it's prey whenever it tried to escape. Finally, she resolved to ignore it, and stumbled out of the stall.
She supported herself against the counter and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were angry. Her eyebrows were pointed down in an expression of frustration, which surprised her. She hadn't even realized that she'd been doing that. The skin just around her eyes, where one would apply eyeliner the proper way, was red. And the rest of her skin was blotchy, reds and pinks dancing around her face. Her nose was red, and her cheeks were shiny and slick with tears.
And she didn't care. All of the pent up anger and frustration, all of her pain, all of the betrayls she'd ever suffered, her irritation at why she'd taken so long to free herself...it was all building up. Her stomach wrenched violently, and she trembled with anger, and every other negative emotion. Her sight became blurry. Finally, she put her head down on the counter.
And she yelled.
Veronica found that when she needed to deal with something, mental visualization helped. Expecially when she managed to achieve what she was dealing with. For her depression, she always envisioned a chain. One end was deep in the ground, stick in everything that she used to be. The other end was around her ankle, refusing to let her go.
Right now, she could see the chain in her mind's eye. That chain that had binded her for so long to everything she'd ever done in her life. Even after losing Trixie, she'd been attatched to that burden. The chain had taunted her, letting her wander off and just as she thought she was free, it tightened, not allowing her to go any further. The tears came heavier now, fresh ones falling before the first one even began to roll down her cheeks. Slowly, she inhaled, her breath sounding shaky and weak. But she was strong. She knew it. All this time, she'd been acting so weak. She could see them, each big, strong chainlink. They grated against each other tensely, as she fought to break free of it for all that time. Even after breaking away from Trixie, she'd felt weak; a voice inside of her was constantly telling her she couldn't do it: Trixie's voice. She'd put it there herself, that was the worst part. And even after she'd dropped Trixie, that voice hadn't dropped her. She chastise herself with that voice: You acted so weak. You're not as strong as you think you are. You'll crawl back within a week...How could you have tried to be her? What were you thinking? Why would you want to be like someone like that? Why couldn't you be you? Why'd you waste your entire life trying to live as someone else?... But she had to let it go. She knew she did, if she ever wanted things to get better; if she ever wanted herself to get better. As she yelled, she felt her self-hatred, her pain, her betrayls, her irritation, her anger-- she felt it all start to fade. And the longer she yelled, the more it diminished. And after yelling for the second time, it felt as though a chain had snapped. And she could see it finally snapping, the chain links themselves shattering with a brilliant sparking of rusted metal.
She'd finally let go.
And as she stared at the mirror, she could see herself. Her stomach felt fine. She wasn't burning up anymore. Her hands weren't trembling. She felt so much better. And she knew that this time, she wasn't held back by anything. Slowly, a small smile formed on her face. She turned on one of the sinks, and washed her face. After drying it and putting on a little more lip gloss, she sighed, ready to go back.
She wasn't sure how to handle Taylor..Tad...whoever he was. She was still mad at him, more than she'd been in the beginning, despite letting go of everything. He was everything that she'd spent so much time telling him he wasn't: an unkind person, a fake...a liar! She shut her eyes and sighed before opening them again. She looked at herself in the mirror, and a slow grin formed as she remembered what she'd say to herself when she was little. "Buck up!" she said. She smiled, and added on something new, a determined look on her face. "Since when do you need a guy to determine your happiness. He's just like Trixie. He had you fooled. Let it go. Forget him, like you did her. This is your prom! Don't let him ruin it. Go have fun. Deal with him later." It didn't work very well. She walked out of that bathroom, slightly renewed in spirit. She made it out just in time to hear Principal Manning start speaking.
"Attention, students. If you please, we have an announcement." Immediately, the music died down, and the conversation faded. Everyone knew what was happening. Veronica glanced around. No Taylor in sight. Good. she thought, He ought to feel bad. She decided then and there that if she did see him, she'd ignore him. At least until she got over it. Which would be a while.
"We, the staff of Dimmsdale High, are pleased to introduce you to your Prom Queen this year..." she pretended to be unable to read the name on the paper. The students all groaned, the anticipation too much. Mrs. Manning laughed. "Ok, ok. The Prom Queen this year is..." she glanced at the paper, "Veronica Langston!"
Veronica's stomach jumped, but immediately calmed down. She could see everyone around her clapping, but couldn't hear it. She was lost in her own shock. She was prom queen? She won? She blinked. She'd forgotten all about wanting to be prom queen when she'd seen Tayor at the foot of her steps in a tuxedo. Now it all came back to her. Her lips formed a small smile as a spotlight spun wildly around the room, stopping finally when it found her. It engulfed her in light. In that moment, she was grateful for her ambition to be prom queen, a dream that came to existence when she was 8. If it weren't for that dream, she might've never torn away from Trixie. It was the one thing that motivated her to free herself. She hadn't cared that much about herself. But her dreams were another story. Now, she realized with a smile, I care about both.
"And our Prom King, Taylor Jordan!"
Everyone burst into applause again. Veronica blanched. No... The spotlight left her to spin around the room again in a wild effort to spot Taylor. To her horror, it stopped a few feet away from her. She looked over. He was in the spotlight, looking at her. His expression was still guilty, and apologetic. Veronica stared at him, furrowing her eyebrows a bit.
"Well, come on up and get your crowns, you two!" Mrs. Manning smiled, "Then, you two will dance."
Taylor raised an eyebrow at her questioningly. Was she willing to dance with him? Could she forgive him, for at least 3 or 4 minutes? Veronica looked at him for a moment longer before turning away, and walking towards their principal.
When she'd reached Mrs. Manning, she reached out to take her crown. Instead, she reached over her head. Veronica paused, puzzled. She turned. Taylor held it. She stared at him, keeping her expression calm, but her eyes were burning daggers through him.
He held the crown gingerly in both of his hands, and gently, he placed it on her head. He gazed at her, looking like he wanted to say something. But he didn't. Instead, he looked up at the principal, who placed his crown on his head.
Veronica watched him, not sure how to deal with him. She wasn't expecting to see him again so soon. But now that she was forced with him, unprepared no less, she was at a loss and could do nothing but think. She felt angry, sad, betrayed, and disappointed. She wasn't sure which feeling was the strongest, but they were all reaching 100 on her emotion meters.
Taylor held out his hand, and Veronica stared at it. Pause... Hesitate... Think... Forget how to think... Grasp...
Veronica took his hand. The warmth that she'd felt earlier-- the warmth of someone else's skin touching yours-- came back. But the feeling of security was gone. She let him lead her into the middle of the dance floor. The students, all watching in anticipation, moved out of the way to clear a little space for them, then fell in, surrounding the couple. They all smiled, oblivious to the tension between the two.
The song started, and Veronica froze. She felt Taylor pause too. Time After Time. Veronica almost let her resolve break, and almost started to cry again. It felt like Fate was having a good time torturing her.
The two ten year olds were at the wedding of Valerie, Veronica's older sister. Veronica sat at the table, watching dreamily as her older sister and her husband danced alone on the dance floor to the song. Their song, she thought, mesmerized. It was so romantic.
She could hardly wait to be married, to dance with her husband in front of everyone to "Their" song.
After the song ended, everyone clapped. Another song began to play, and the guests now filled in on the dance floor, slow dancing. Mothers with their babies, fathers with their precious baby girls, parents, even a couple of teenagers...everyone was dancing.
She wished she could. However, Tad, who was next to her, was too busy eyeing the food on her plate. She knew it was only a matter of time before he asked, "Hey, you gonna finish that?"
She wished that somebody... anybody... would ask her to dance. Tad certainly wouldn't. He was more interested in food than romantic dreams and dancing. A pang of disappointment filled her stomach. She wasn't quite sure why. She'd noticed that lately, she felt different around him. She put a little more care into her appearance if she knew they'd see each other. She found everything he said to be either funny or adorable, and she wasn't sure why. She'd even giggled once. She hadn't giggled since she was 5. What was going on?
"Hey, Ronnie?"
Veronica looked up. The first thing she noticed was his green eyes. They were so pretty. She often found herself envious of them. But right now, she couldn't help but notice how cute he looked with his blonde hair tumbling into his eyes.
"Yeah?" she said, forcing herself to stop thinking those things.
"Um..Do you, ah...would you...um..." his cheeks flushed a pale pink, and Veronica ended up turning pink herself, "Wanna dance?"
Veronica felt her face go completely hot and her stomach became fluttery. "Um...yeah."
Tad nodded. "Ok. Um, sweet." He stood up and she followed suit. Side by side, they walked to the dance floor. When they found an empty spot, they hesitated, staring at each other awkwardly. Tad rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled nervously. Veronica looked everywhere but at him, convincing herself that she was only looking for her sister. She was jolted back to the real world when she felt two hands slowly and hesitantly touch her waist. Her eyes found their way to her best friend, who was pinker than ever.
Veronica let her hands find his shoulders, and awkwardly, they started to move. A couple of bystanders going "Awwww..." and "How cute!" only made things more awkward. However, after a moment, they relaxed. After all, they were dancing with their best friend. It wasn't that bad. Veronica let her ears tune into the music.
"If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me
Time after time..."
A tiny smile started to form, and she looked down, biting her lip to hide her smile.
This was it.
Their song.
The two of them knew they needed to start dancing, but neither could move. The music stopped. The students around them started murmuring in confusion. The music started again. This time, they forced themselves to dance.
Veronica stared at her feet, but could feel Taylor's gaze burning into her. Finally, she looked up. She must have had an angry expression, because his sad expression changed to one of surprise and he looked away, startled. This time, Veronica stared at him, a subtle glare taking over her features. Finally, Taylor sighed and looked at her.
"Veronica...I'm sorry." Taylor said quietly. The rest of the student body watched them happily, snapping pictures and cooing over how cute they were together.
It was just like old times.
"I bet." Veronica mumbled.
"Veronica--"
"Look, Taylor, Tad--whoever you are," she snapped, "I don't really want to hear it. I mean--How could you?"
Taylor opened his mouth, but couldn't say anything. So Veronica continued, "All this time, while you were gone, I thought you hated me! You never returned my calls and emails, never even contacted me! And then, all of a sudden, you waltz back here, and pretend to be a different person! What is--" she paused, before speaking. "I poured out my soul to someone that I thought I knew, and it turns out I did know you. But at the same time, I have no clue who you are." her voice cracked and she looked away.
"Veronica, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry. I just---I don't know. There's no excuse for what I did. I--"
A loud gasp from the crowd distracted them both. They looked towards the doors, where everyone else was looking. Trixie walked in. She wore a form fitting shimmery pale golden gown. A slit traveled up her leg to mid-thigh. Her makeup was flawless, covering up any signs of the healing damage that Veronica had done. Her mouth wasn't frowning, but it wasn't smiling either. Her eyes were half shut as she scanned the room, nose in the air. She saw Veronica and froze. So did Veronica. The two of them stared at each other, the room deathly silent, except for the music playing. Trixie's expression wilted, but Veronica was the only one who saw it. Trixie's eyes narrowed as if she was about to cry, and her mouth turned down in a sad frown. She looked down at the floor, as if unsure of what to do with herself. She blinked and looked at her shoes, then the principal, then the ceiling, then back at Veronica. Her eyes stared into Veronica's sadly.
How was it that she was the only one who knew what was going on with Trixie's emotions? Surely she wasn't the only one to have noticed...
...was she?
Trixie's chest heaved in a heavy sigh that Veronica couldn't hear from the distance, but knew was happening. She knew her inside out, and she didn't like it.
Just like that, Trixie fixed her face back into it's previous expression and lifted her head again. She turned to go join her friends, but it was a little too late. Veronica had seen it; she'd seen the look of sadness hidden in her friends dark eyes. And now she was gone, vanished into the crowd to get to her friends. The other Elites.
Everyone relaxed again, and joined in the slow dance.
Taylor looked at her, trying to figure out what had just happened. After a moment, he opened his mouth to continue speaking.
"You know, I don't even want to hear it." Veronica said, "You're full of shit. And apparently you always have been."
She removed her crown, shoved it into his hands, and walked away, not bothering to look back.
Whoooo!!! That felt SOOO good! I was anxiously awaiting the day I'd be able to finally update this bad boy.
Ha-HA! Man, that felt good! Lol, ok, so anyway, I hope you guys liked this! I'm going to get started on the next chapter right away. I didn't actually want to end this chapter quite yet, but I figured I should,because that's the only part where I could end the chapter without it seeming stupid. That, plus I didn't end it there, the chapter would've been twice as long. Seriously. lol.