Author's note: Ever had a story that just…started, and kept going, and you had NO IDEA what was going on? This was one of those. It just sorta bled out of me about two years ago. I'd put it somewhere after DVD 5, but before DVD 9. My thanks go out to Ditch Gospel for being my beta-reader on this – it had languished for a year and more before our discussions led me to blow the dust off of it. As with all my Saiyuki 'fics, this one follows the timeline laid out by the 'fics that come before and after it, so if things don't quite make sense, I suggest reading the first seven chapters of 'Here Lies Gonou'. I don't own 'em, and believe it or not, there's no yaoi.
Beneath my hands, Sanzo's heartbeat falters. I'm losing him. The last dregs of my chi reserves flow down my arms and through my hands, both of which are splayed against Sanzo's bare chest. Dozens of cuts and wounds cover his body, and it's all I can do to slow his death. No more chi remains; I start using my own life-force, trying to get him stabilized. As the thread of my life merges with Sanzo's flickering essence, I can see clearly how much damage there is, and how weak he is. Damn. I could kill myself pouring my life-energy into him, and there would still only be a slim chance of him surviving. And even if he does, what then? An image swims in my mind's eye: Sanzo recovered and asking Gojyo and Goku where I am. No. It would kill him. He practically suicides any time one of us is wounded because of our involvement with him, and I know that my continued survival is one of the few reasons he has to live.
"GOKU!" My voice is hoarse, as though I've been screaming. I can sense Goku's eyes on me. "Sanzo is dying. I can't hold him. If you want him to live, I'm going to need to take some of your energy and give it to him." I can't look up; my life winds out through my hands, keeping Sanzo barely alive.
"What do I have to do?" There is the slightest hint of fear in his voice.
"Place your hands on his chest." I grit my teeth – I can not fall unconscious, not now!
Goku's hands enter my line of sight, and in a flash mine cover them, pressing them onto Sanzo's chest. Now it is Goku's chi that I am pouring into our friend. Goku gasps as our life-energies merge slightly, and it is as though we stand before each other with our souls exposed.
"Hakkai—!" Goku exclaims as he sees into my heart, and then the draining of his chi quiets him. I know that he is seeing the darkness of my heart clearly for the first time, but he can also feel Sanzo's life flicker, and concern for Sanzo takes precedence over concern for me.
Goku's chi is very strong; I am able to strengthen Sanzo's life-energy and he begins to stabilize. All my attention is focused inwards, and I do not see Gojyo kneel next to me and place his hand on Sanzo's chest. There is a moment of panic as he lifts my right hand off of Goku's and places it on his own.
"Damned if I'm going to just stand by and watch!" he growls, and all of our souls intertwine.
I pull from the chi reserves that Goku and Gojyo have, fully stabilizing Sanzo. No more need to take from my own life force to keep him alive. Deep breath. Concentrate on the situation. Poison has already been neutralized. Lungs are intact. Shoulder has been repaired. With a small sigh of determined relief I pull more from my friends and begin closing the deepest, life-threatening wounds. I can feel them droop under the strain, and also their quiet wonder that I do this regularly without complaint or even a hint that healing drains me this much.
I finally get the bleeding to stop, and all the internal organ damage has been repaired. Gojyo's reserves are drained, and in a moment of strange, wordless understanding, we all agree to let Gojyo go prepare food and beds. Goku informs me through our mingled chi that merely stable isn't good enough; he has a truly tremendous reserve and he fairly demands that I use it to heal Sanzo a bit more. When his reserve runs dry, however, I put my foot down. I refuse to drain his life-energy to heal Sanzo, and enforce this by the simple method of lifting my hands and passing out.
I wake up to Hakuryuu nuzzling my cheek and the smell of burned oatmeal. It takes an effort to force my gummy eyes to open and try to sit up. Immediately, Gojyo is behind me, propping me up.
"Wha—?" I don't get to finish the word, because there is a spoon full of oatmeal suddenly in my mouth.
"It was the only thing I could figure out how to cook. I know it sucks, but you're going to eat it!"
I swallow without complaint, tears blurring the little sight I have, touched deeply by the thick concern in Gojyo's voice. Blind and weak, I allow myself to be fed as though I were a newly-hatched bird. Finally, I hear Gojyo put down the bowl.
"Goku?" I manage to croak out.
"Ah, he's still asleep." Gojyo waves off out of my line of sight. "Hey, listen. How do you do that? Wake up, I mean. You're half dead."
An embarrassed smile stretches my dry lips. "I assure you, I'm only awake because my body demands food."
"Aw man!" Gojyo makes an aggravated sound. "Does this mean I have to do the cooking?"
My smile shifts to gratitude and affection, and I croak out the short list of foods I usually prepare for myself after a heavy healing session. Gojyo moves off to try his hand at cooking again and I weakly look around, reflexively cataloguing everyone's position and physical state. Hakuryuu curled up on my lap, unhurt. Gojyo by the fire, in front of me and just to the left, unhurt. Goku off to my right, sprawled in his normal, catatonic sleep. Sanzo further away on my left, carefully laid out on top of all the blankets we could spare but otherwise exactly the same as when I'd passed out: robe rent in dozens of places and bloodstained almost completely, limbs in the same straight pose I'd laid them out in when I started healing him. His arm had been close to completely torn off, and I'd needed to see the other arm in the same position to make sure I was putting things back where they should be. Sanzo isn't moving, and for a long moment I am afraid he is dead, but then he takes a deep breath and I can see he is merely unconscious.
Gojyo turns at my whimper of relief, follows my gaze. "He's ok," he says softly. "Um, how long do eggs take to cook?"
The eggs are runny, but they give me the strength to crawl over to the fire and help Gojyo cook breakfast. The next few hours are filled with cooking and eating as Goku wakes up. There is an atmosphere of cautious intimacy studded with frequent worried glances at Sanzo's still form. When I have the strength to stand without passing out, I start to walk over to check on him, but the other two catch my arms and bodily stop me.
"Yer not recovered yet!" Gojyo growls. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself by exhausting your energy!"
My wordless, indignant protest dies at the open worry Gojyo's expressing, and Goku's vehement agreement.
"I won't." My voice is calm and steady, and for once I'm not smiling. I meet my friends' eyes with dead seriousness. "I can't let myself die."
Goku and Gojyo flinch as memories of our mind-meld session resurface, and they understand that if I let myself die, I may as well be killing Sanzo with my own two hands. They release me, but follow me over to Sanzo's pallet. I kneel beside him and begin a purely physical examination, checking all of his wounds and vital signs. Goku dashes off and returns with a roll of bandages, and together the three of us bind Sanzo's many wounds. I won't be in any position to do any healing for a few days, but we can't just sit in the wilderness for that long. Gojyo packs our things while I pack the cooking utensils, and Goku stows them all in the back of Hakuryuu's jeep form. She chirps at me, worried, and I assure her I'll be okay.
When we drive off for the nearest town, it is Gojyo in the front seat next to me. Sanzo is lying in the back seat, head pillowed on Goku's lap. He hasn't stirred since he lost consciousness, but his energy is dormant – he's actually asleep and not faking it. I allow myself to think longingly of a table groaning with food, a long bath, and a week of quiet recovery.
Hang in there, Sanzo. Come back to us.